Should I go NC again?

[catalina]

I left him last June, was NC for 6 weeks, then made a couple of attempts to work things out when he said he would quit drinking, get counseling, stop being abusive, etc. He has done none of those things and is now harassing me via FB messages and today, he sent me a text that said "You ever think during all this that maybe you are just a whimp? "

Then he sent another one asking if we couldn't just "be a bit tougher and face our problems and fix them?"

Well, I don't think it's really a sign of being a wimp if I refuse to listen to someone calling me a wh***, c***, b****, and a piece of s***. Last time I saw him I had a bad cold and he said he wished I would die from whatever was making me sick.

I get these messages and it just ruins my whole day. I just got out of my therapist's office (yes, I have a therapist, and NO, he doesn't) when I got this message about being a "whimp" and it pissed me off. It's not my lack of toughness that's caused all of this.

I sent him a text that said if he needed to talk to me, to send an email. I might even stop that if he keeps harassing me. I keep the lines of communication open so that I know where he is and he doesn't surprise me and show up all of a sudden, and because I let him talk to his D6 on the phone. I don't want to discuss anything else with him, and I haven't taken legal action yet because I don't have the money.

[bpdspell]

I left him last June, was NC for 6 weeks, then made a couple of attempts to work things out when he said he would quit drinking, get counseling, stop being abusive, etc. He has done none of those things and is now harassing me via FB messages and today, he sent me a text that said "You ever think during all this that maybe you are just a whimp? "

Then he sent another one asking if we couldn't just "be a bit tougher and face our problems and fix them?"

Well, I don't think it's really a sign of being a wimp if I refuse to listen to someone calling me a wh***, c***, b****, and a piece of s***. Last time I saw him I had a bad cold and he said he wished I would die from whatever was making me sick.

I get these messages and it just ruins my whole day. I just got out of my therapist's office (yes, I have a therapist, and NO, he doesn't) when I got this message about being a "whimp" and it pissed me off. It's not my lack of toughness that's caused all of this.

I sent him a text that said if he needed to talk to me, to send an email. I might even stop that if he keeps harassing me. I keep the lines of communication open so that I know where he is and he doesn't surprise me and show up all of a sudden, and because I let him talk to his D6 on the phone. I don't want to discuss anything else with him, and I haven't taken legal action yet because I don't have the money.

Wow Catalina.

My heart really goes out to you. Your BPD (w/NPD traits) is an abuser make no mistake about it. I'm really sorry to hear of him speaking to you like that.

As for NC the power to decide is in your hands. You have already mentioned that your ex refuses to get help and continues to project on you and blame you for his unhappiness. Never mind his words. The actions are the truth of a person and right now his actions are speaking volumes. He doesn't care about your feelings or how bad he hurts you. Your BPD (w/NPD traits) rather abuse you and treat you like cow dung rather than be accountable and responsible for working out his feelings with a therapist.

NC is a decision that only you can make but I would certainly recommend putting your relationship on pause while you sort out your feelings. Abuse is never acceptable. Ever!

Always remember: You deserve to love yourself and respect yourself. And you have the power and the right to protect yourself from harm.

Spell

[must move on]

Hi there,

My exBPD said a lot of similar abusive stuff to me. It is so vile. Let me ask you one question, is there any reason u need to stay in contact with this person that abuses you?

I used to always think as soon as the promise were uttered to me they were taken away on the wind and forgotten as though they were never said.

maybe look at this link some things on there about contact that may help

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0;wap2

Stand tall 

[catalina]

Thank you for that link! That was really helpful! There's no reason for us to be in contact, until the time comes to visit lawyer(s) and divide the property. I don't even care to do that but we own two houses and have to do something with them.

I might block his contact methods if he doesn't stop harassing me.

[Thyrsos]

Damn... .  

How can anyone say that to someone they suppose to love, or even have loved.

I can't even think of a reason or situation  I would say that to anyone.

Never, ever, let him talk to you like that again!

Stay strong!

[catalina]

Sigh... .  blocked him on FB and told him to stop texting, so now the string of emails rolls in. Does this sound ok to anyone?

"The only reason I can think of for why it is too late for us would be because you already have me replaced. I think if you worked even a tenth as hard keeping us together as you have making sure we stay broke up you would have seen a lot different attitude out of me. Just saying... .    Makes me wonder what your version of marriage is. At our age, you'd think we could be adult enough to work together and be better. I don't understand your hostility or lack of will.  It takes two people to have a good relationship. You seem bent on blaming the entire thing on me. That isn't right. I know for a fact I have not treated you that bad."

He wished me dead last month. And he wonders why I have lack of will to stay together... .  

[Seahorse1]

His words are 100% projection... .  

He wants you to believe all the vile things he knows about him self are actually on you ... .  

[catalina]

I got that reply because I had to email him to ask him to give me a letter saying that I didn't receive any money from the rental house we own. He wanted to know what I needed the letter for and that it was silly for me to need the letter, and I have access to money anytime I need it.

Really... .  

I never got the chance to tell him the letter was for Department of Social Services, Child Support Enforcement. I wasn't going to tell him that anyway, it's not really any of his business. He is not cooperative in any way, despite saying he wants to be "civil" and get along.

[catalina]

His words are 100% projection... .  

He wants you to believe all the vile things he knows about him self are actually on you ... .  

Funny thing about that, he's been telling me for months that I have "projected personality disorder" despite telling me not to diagnose myself (I have something else that is not MI or PD). I've consulted with a few psychologists on that disorder he's chosen for me and none of them have been able to NOT laugh. I even told H that it didn't exist, but he still says it.

He calls me a jack___ all the time, every day when I was around him in person. It gets old.

[smartwoman220]

Hey Catalina,

I know this whole thing is hard, but if you are really ready to  done ( and only you will know when you are ready)  go nc. You have  hired a lawyer to  handle the business aspect of this for you, and  if your child is old enough,  hand the phone straight to them when he calls.  He can text you  about  arrangements for you child, or if you  decide to speak with him concerning you child, the minute he starts talking about anything else, hang up. Be very cordial and polite when picking up your kid, and  make it quick. He can be managed.  I would ignore any other messages concerning  anything else. Let him know that  you are about business and stick to just that. I promise it will make things a whole lot easier, and you  can take some of the stress off your back.

[catalina]

Yes, I have tried to be "all business" and he replies and tells me to stop being "snobby." Now he's trying to hassle me into filing taxes jointly (NOT going to happen... .  he stopped paying his bills and they are after him!)

He just wants me to do all the work. He won't even file his side if I don't do it. I've got this under control. I emailed him back and reminded him of a federal debt that he owes which would significantly lower the tax refund, and told him I would be filing separately. And with that tax refund, I am getting a lawyer on retainer. I'm tired of being harassed every day.

[catalina]

Oh, and he said the reason he hasn't been able to keep on top of things is because he lives in a camper. That part is true, he's living in his brother's camper. But he has internet. I'm sick of the excuses. When he was in the house here he didn't open his mail and he hasn't bothered with it for months. No more excuses!

[MaybeSo]

So, a PwBPD is going to be dysregulated during a break up. We know that to be true. Try not to take seriously anything he says, he's like a drunk person spewing garbage.

If you have a child with him some contact will be necessary for logistics re: visits etc. And you have some business to wrap up with him, too. If you have an attorney, then during this heated time you might be able to block him and have all business go through the attorney. If he shows up unannounced you can always call the cops, I dont think you want to remain in contact for tracking purposes. Has he ever been violent with you or anyone else?

When someone promises to do counseling, stop drinking, etc... .  it's a good idea to stay apart and wait to see what they do. For like a year... .  Watch what they do, not what the say.

No there is no disorder in the DSM by that name,   lolhowever... ,these relationships are triggering as hell and rife with projections by both partners when things are heated,  so his made up disorder while funny does curiously describe a big stinky dynamic that is part of these relationships.

It's during a break up when most serious forms of DV occur. Protect yourself and try to de-escalate as much as possible, don't engage in arguments, debates or a trading of insults.

[catalina]

I don't engage him in any arguments at all, which makes him mad and he says I'm being abusive and giving him the silent treatment. I am choosing not to get into these circular arguments with him that go nowhere. I have given him 7 months now and so far, nothing has happened to change my feelings about wanting to end the relationship. We recycled for a while, but he went right back to the verbal abuse. He has not been physically violent with me, but he will taunt me and other relatives until we want to lash out at him, then he sits back and smiles when I or the others get upset. I filed a protection order to get him out of the house when I was trying to move out because he was throwing my stuff outside in fits of rage. He is in another state now so I don't worry about him showing up and being a physical nuisance. But I will call the police if he does show up unannounced and angry. I don't trust him at all.

[catalina]

Ok... .  I think I can stop replying now. He's still ranting by email so I mentioned that he called me these terrible names and said he wished I would die. And his reply:

"I didn't not call you all those names. What part is true, I said out of frustration over you kicking me around.  I had spend a lot of effort to try to comfort you while you were sick. You totally ignored everything I did.  That's why I said what I did - and it was TOTALLY sarcastic.  I don't know how even you could try to spin that to be anything different."


Crazymaking... .  help me... .  

[catalina]

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Maybe I should listen to this advice. I will get there again, right? 

[blurry]

 Been there, the most shocking part of being told someone wishes you were dead, or they hate you with a passion is when they loved you more than life itself 24 hours or 3 days earlier. It really is like the 7 year old that starts screaming he/she hates mom or dad when its bedtime or time to do homework. Still blows my mind even though im learning about it finally here on this board.

[blurry]

 Hah, and then the ensuing breakup, like the little kid with the knapsack hanging on a stick, running away from home, .

[cookiecrumbled]

All right, Catalina - let's back up to two basics:

You are in love with someone who

a) cannot even spell the word wimp, and

b) lives in his brother's camper.

Really?  Think about that for a second.  

Nevermind the fact that he is bat___ crazy - is this the kind of person you want to date?

Cookie  

[catalina]

Hah, and then the ensuing breakup, like the little kid with the knapsack hanging on a stick, running away from home, .

Exactly!

This is not the first time I've heard the double negative thing, either. He's claimed before that he "didn't not" do the things he did. Half the time, in my head, I'm thinking "what are you, twelve?"

Run away... .  

[catalina]

But Cookie, it's MY fault! 

I didn't kick him out, I moved out. He chose to move to another state and move into his brother's camper, rather than get a job. He left the house and all of his possessions and ran when I filed the restraining order.

He's a horrible speller. I have never doubted that. 

[catalina]

All right, Catalina - let's back up to two basics:

You are in love with someone who

a) cannot even spell the word wimp, and

b) lives in his brother's camper.

Really?  Think about that for a second.  

Nevermind the fact that he is bat___ crazy - is this the kind of person you want to date?

Cookie  

Oh, and... .  I am no longer in love with him. Those feelings disappeared a long time ago, somewhere around the time he said "I hope your cancer comes back!"

Yeah, he said that.

[MaybeSo]

Re: Should I go NC again?

« Reply #16 on: Today at 12:46:39 PM »




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Maybe I should listen to this advice. I will get there again, right? 

Yes, detachment is key. 

[catalina]

Working on detachment. I think I started to panic a little when he said he was going to come back here, to be close to our D. I think he wants to be able to pester me in person, too. I'm not going to let him do it this time.

[catalina]

I am not replying... .  it helps me to copy things and see them here to make sure I am not missing something here.

"Well then stop blaming me, past, present or future. It is not my fault that you don't want to be in a relationship with me. It is not my fault that you don't love me and it is not my fault that you can't carry out your wedding vows.  It is not my fault that you can't work out problems instead of running from them.  I am human just like you.  If you can't accept that, then don't be blaming me for anything.  I am still interested and waiting for you to state one thing you did to improve our relationship this last time we tried.  Did you not stand there in your kitchen and tell me it was for life?"

I didn't blame him for anything (I said I didn't like being verbally abused) and I don't recall saying it was for life. And even if I did... .  no, I didn't. He's trying to make me agree that I said things I didn't say, as usual.

[must move on]

"I didn't not call you all those names. What part is true, I said out of frustration over you kicking me around.  I had spend a lot of effort to try to comfort you while you were sick. You totally ignored everything I did.  That's why I said what I did - and it was TOTALLY sarcastic.  I don't know how even you could try to spin that to be anything different."


Crazymaking... .  help me... .  

Catalina, my exBPD could have wrote this to me in fact did it is a very surreal experience to see and hear this happening to another person as you can see quite clearly how messed up and deregulated these people are 

I am constantly harassed also it is very painful to hear such nasty things said by someone we choose to have in our life's. i guess ultimately if you can walk away, why not?

[catalina]

All of this stems from me now "rewarding" him for deeds he thinks he deserves huge rewards for. I asked him to go to a suburb to get some cold medicine that we are not allowed to get in my town without an Rx. I was at work or I would have done it myself. I was sick and still working full time, so I felt terrible and when I didn't smother him with praise for getting the medicine he flipped out on me. I guess this is the "kicking around" part.

I can see calling someone a bad name sarcastically, when it's in jest and between friends and whatnot. Yelling a bad name at someone with this certain look in your eyes is not being sarcastic.

Anyone know this look I'm talking about? Kind of a glazed over, wide-eyed look that precedes the rage?

[cookiecrumbled]

"Anyone know this look I'm talking about?  Kind of a glazed over, wide-eyed look that precedes the rage?"

OMG.  Catalina, if you knew how many times I have described that exact look on my exbfBPD's face to his mother, my friends and family.  You described it perfectly.  Glazed over, yet wide-eyed look - like they are staring at something and they can't figure out it is.   I guess that's the Zombie face I've seen in some posts.  He has also said that he was being sarcastic when he said something.  He's a dentist and graduated from a top ten university - he knows what sarcastic means and that ain't it.

This just sucks.  Why did a normal person like me have the misfortune of meeting and falling in love with a crazy person?  As if enough unfortunate events hadn't already happened to me?  We on this board are all due for some mighty good fortune, I say.

Cookie

[catalina]

I guess zombie is a good word for the look. I'm beginning to think that he doesn't remember half the things he says and does, and makes up the other half. He keeps telling me that I "told" him he was worthless and that I "told" him that he was not living up to my expectations. I have never said such things, but this is how he perceives it when I ask something like "What do you have going on today?"

I have been limited for a couple years now in what I can say without expecting rage from his end. It's come down to where I can't say, or even type, anything without him going off on how I'm being mean and unfair and telling him he's worthless. So I say nothing. I get the same response out of him, because if I'm quiet, then I'm being selfish and mean and I don't care about anyone but myself.

Today is a good day. Yesterday, he sent about 30 ranting emails. Today, one email asking me to hang on to a package that he's going to get here at my house, and one email with a link to an apartment for rent. I'm sure tomorrow will be something completely different. This is my life.

Cookie, the only good fortune that I need is to be allowed to be myself again. No more abuse, no more control over what I do or what I can and can't say.

[must move on]

I asked previously if you could stop the contact all together? It is very tough enduring this constant abuse.