Ex was (extremely) high functioning... She had good jobs, with the current company she is about 10yrs. R/S for +30yrs. which ended abruptly (BPD way, in a blink of an eye) a few yrs. ago
In retrospect:
+ Years she wore a leather bracelet (leather shrinks when dry) her saying "Sometimes I really feel myself when it is so tight, then it gives me such a good feeling of releave ”.
+ She left her family also abruptly after an outburst when she was 18yrs., didn’t want contact for almost a decade.
+ After she left her parent, came to live with my family. Stability, but also as she had burnt all she knew. Did she “just” stay as she had no where else to go? (never seen it as I was in deeply in love, AND later she denied to answer that question)
+ Years of “relatively stability” continued, arguments were draining for me, circular, no logic to find.
+ As of age 42 ( and more that 20 yrs. R/S) the first and real outburst of discontent towards me. I wasn’t a father, nor partner and was insane.
After a few years the outburst came every 3 to 5 months, extreme reactions for “nothing”, just out of the blue. Directly after the eruption she was able to continue her doings as if nothing happened.
Couples therapy, she tried to convince my madness, my inability to be a partner. I found support and learned techniques. Her outbursts minimized to 1 a year...
She was very sociable. Well seen in the community., but to an extend that family became 2nd place(!).
A few remarks:
+ outside home professional/sociable, at home… just boring and doing her thing, no ideas, no satisfaction
(as on stage: when the audience is gone, they cease to exist)
+ others are not close, so do not threaten her emotional wellbeing
+ work is professional, not aimed towards her, so distance again.
+ they “save” there inner agitation only for there partner. BUT, doing that by projection, then he is the source of there pain accumulated during that day.
+ there is no point telling others, they absolutely don’t believe you. Not even a family doctor (they are not educated!)
She, it fits exactly as Mr. Randy Kreger describes with HF BPD. Below the list ( I really hope I do not violate copyrights, if so, please remove)
+Denial is their primary characteristic. They disavow having any problems and see no need to change. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else’s fault. In couples therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized
+They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems (“acting out”) or abusive to significant others
+Family members’ greatest challenges include coping with verbal abuse, trying to get their family member to seek treatment, and maintaining their self-esteem and sense of reality.
+They refuse to seek help from the mental health system. If they do go, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues.
+They may hide their low self-esteem behind a brash, confident pose that hides their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behaviour toward those closed to them (high functioning). But the black hole in the gut and their intense self-loathing are still there. It’s just buried deeper
+Situational Competence in most places other than the home
+Are often perfectionists in some areas of their lives and sometimes do achieve near perfection in these areas
+Well Thought of in the Community
+Highly Successful Professionally
+Lack of Physical Self Mutilation
