Need to get my ex out of my life: Clean cut, "getting boring" or..?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,

after my UBPDxgf broke up with my a few times, I broke it off with her. As anyone who knows a bit about BPD would expect, a few months later she still hasn´t acccepted the break up.

Instead she goes full FOG and has successfully made me feel unsafe in my own home.

Now I´m just seeking the most effective way to get this behind me and make her leave me alone.

To begin with I just thought she was suffering from a regular heartbreak and overreacting a bit, but as things have progressed I can see the classic BPD patterns and especially non-stop FOG (including an obscene amount of attempts to make me jealous, e.g. by telling me about the other men she´s been cheating on me with etc).

After slowly realizing she might have BPD, Ive made the mistake of trying to reason with her, and even told her that I am fine with texting and talking to her on the phone - as long as the conversation is calm and without drama.

Not surprisingly, she´s been unable to stick to that.

Unfortunately I have not kept the boundaries, and sometimes accepted conversations with her barrage of FOG.

Ive had thinly vailed threats about "messing up my house", "using social media to destroy my reputation", "getting a lawyer to sue me for the things she gave me, because I exploited her" etc.



A background little info:

• My UBPDxgf changes between being totally enlightened and OK with the situation, to panicky, threatening etc

• SHe´s not been threatening self-harm at all, just threats that have to do with my reputation or finances (the latter is not legally a huge issue, but very disconcerting none-the-less)

• No kids together, no shared finances, not living together, no physical/practical ties

• I don´t want her back - I want out.

• I have struggled with the obligation-part, and still do a bit. But Im done trying to "save" her. I wanna save myself!

• I´ve tried "being boring, depressed and confused", but it doesn´t seem to have any noticeable impact.

MAIN ISSUE and QUESTION:

She has come to my home several times without my knowledge "wanting to talk"; i.e wanting to create drama and FOG.

That´s the main reason I ask for help here:  I feel unsafe at home. Maybe its all in my head, maybe not. But being mentally and emotionally alert 24-7 is exhausting, and it´s devastating to my work, health and overall well-being.

I want peace in my life.

I feel really bad about calling the cops, partly because I don´t want to escalate the situation - and because it seems totally beyond anything that´s normal in my life.

I dont THINK she´d harm me or actually follow thru with her threats - I believe they are only FOG tools, but naturally I don´t know.

How do I go about this?

• Clean cut, tell her to not contact me, cover my ass legally etc?

• Keep being "boring, depressed" etc?

• Something else?

PS: Yes, I have read the official articles and PDFs. And I could still use some specific input on my situation.

Thank you very much

[wannago]

Hello,

after my UBPDxgf broke up with my a few times, I broke it off with her. As anyone who knows a bit about BPD would expect, a few months later she still hasn´t acccepted the break up.

Instead she goes full FOG and has successfully made me feel unsafe in my own home.

Now I´m just seeking the most effective way to get this behind me and make her leave me alone.

To begin with I just thought she was suffering from a regular heartbreak and overreacting a bit, but as things have progressed I can see the classic BPD patterns and especially non-stop FOG (including an obscene amount of attempts to make me jealous, e.g. by telling me about the other men she´s been cheating on me with etc).

After slowly realizing she might have BPD, Ive made the mistake of trying to reason with her, and even told her that I am fine with texting and talking to her on the phone - as long as the conversation is calm and without drama.

Not surprisingly, she´s been unable to stick to that.

Unfortunately I have not kept the boundaries, and sometimes accepted conversations with her barrage of FOG.

Ive had thinly vailed threats about "messing up my house", "using social media to destroy my reputation", "getting a lawyer to sue me for the things she gave me, because I exploited her" etc.



A background little info:

• My UBPDxgf changes between being totally enlightened and OK with the situation, to panicky, threatening etc

• SHe´s not been threatening self-harm at all, just threats that have to do with my reputation or finances (the latter is not legally a huge issue, but very disconcerting none-the-less)

• No kids together, no shared finances, not living together, no physical/practical ties

• I don´t want her back - I want out.

• I have struggled with the obligation-part, and still do a bit. But Im done trying to "save" her. I wanna save myself!

• I´ve tried "being boring, depressed and confused", but it doesn´t seem to have any noticeable impact.

MAIN ISSUE and QUESTION:

She has come to my home several times without my knowledge "wanting to talk"; i.e wanting to create drama and FOG.

That´s the main reason I ask for help here:  I feel unsafe at home. Maybe its all in my head, maybe not. But being mentally and emotionally alert 24-7 is exhausting, and it´s devastating to my work, health and overall well-being.

I want peace in my life.

I feel really bad about calling the cops, partly because I don´t want to escalate the situation - and because it seems totally beyond anything that´s normal in my life.

I dont THINK she´d harm me or actually follow thru with her threats - I believe they are only FOG tools, but naturally I don´t know.

How do I go about this?

• Clean cut, tell her to not contact me, cover my ass legally etc?

• Keep being "boring, depressed" etc?

• Something else?

PS: Yes, I have read the official articles and PDFs. And I could still use some specific input on my situation.

Thank you very much

[LA4610]

what a terrible spot to be in. if she is threatening you like you say she is, i would keep some evidence of that. also, i would try to get as far away from her as possible... . block her number, block social media, etc. this is just me, but i would tell her once and for all to not come over and if she did i would call the police. i would also give the police a heads up on your situation.

again, that is just me. i know it sounds harsh and overboard, but TRUST ME these people will totally ruin your life. you have to get her away from you.

good luck brother

[wannago]

Thanks a lot, LA4610

I guess my main issue is the "Fear" part. The Obligation and Guilt are lesser evils right now.

And I am thinking that she´s only successful with instilling fear in me because I LET her... . ?

I.e. I´ve gone from feeling sorry for her to now just thinking she´s plain nuts.

So Ive shifted from Obligation to Fear, so to speak.

My friends also tell me to get law enforcement involved, yet I apparently see it as a huge step for me.

Perhaps I shouldn´t.

I believe she is a Waif-type BPD - so maybe it´s all talk and no action. I dont know.

So far she has behaved erratically twice, stolen a few items from me and damaged an object of mine that had only symbolic value.

Scary, out of control and definitely not ok!

At the same time I haven´t been targeted myself (no bodily harm), other than what I would call a classic "Im panicked because we´re splitting up and therefore I slap your chest".

As I write this, I can see that I am struggling with maintaining boundaries, and not making excuses for her. At all.

What do I do?

Tell her up front, that any contact or visit will be seen as harassment/stalking, and that I will contact police if she shows up again?

Or do I simply tell her, "no contact from now on!"?

Suggestions?

[wannago]

Bump. Anyone, please?

[LA4610]

maybe you should talk to a mental health professional about this. they might be able to give you some direction.

[2010]

I broke it off with her.  I am fine with texting and talking to her on the phone

Unfortunately I have not kept the boundaries.

How is this considered a "break-up?"

In her mind, she still is having a relationship with you.

Ive had thinly vailed threats about "messing up my house", "using social media to destroy my reputation", "getting a lawyer to sue me for the things she gave me, because I exploited her" etc

Yes, because you have no boundaries.

Please, do not call the police because of your lack of boundaries. This is a problem you will have for the rest of your life if you don't learn the lesson *right now* about how to effectively end conflict by speaking your truth. Use your voice.

You've tried "being boring, depressed and confused,"  in order to end this. That's another way to describe passive aggression, isn't it? Avoidance of clear cut boundaries in the hopes that this will all just go away? That's how you got here.

Is it any wonder that your girlfriend says you "exploit" her? - keeping her communication lines and (malignant hope) alive as well as her anger about you "trying" to be boring, depressed and confused? That would make anyone knock on the door to your house for answers and seems like cause and effect in my book.

Better to be mature and set down your boundary. That means either doing it with a letter of closure or meeting face to face but it has to be said.

You've never ended it and meant it. Now's the time.

[wannago]

2010,

thank you SO much for taking time to serve the truth as you see it straight up! I truly appreciate that

Before deciding on my next step - I have something I wanna clear up. Perhaps this changes your POV, perhaps not.

I DID in fact break up with her in no uncertain terms AND I meant it.

And I have told her on more than one occasion why, and that I truly mean it.

She has also accepted it on several occasions (in what seemed to be clear, concise, understanding and very calm responses) - and just as many times changed her mind immediately after, and found herself in complete disbelief, anger, sadness, panic etc.

The reason why I opted for the "boring, depressed and confused", was simply because THATs what many articles (including the official ones on this site) recommend.

I originally thought making a clean cut was better - which is what I initially made - only to find out that it yielded bad results after one week.

I am now in the process of writing her a letter, that might give her clear answers that she doesn´t already have. I believe it will just be a recap of everything I have already said, but maybe there are new details in there I previously missed. I´m not sure.

And maybe I am simply making things much worse, because I open a can of worms and a new excuse for her to open the dialogue and start more drama. It´s very possible.

At least I can then say, that I have covered all bases, and done what I can to give her closure.

Everything that you write about boundaries is true.

I have been too soft and not stuck to my boundaries - and that has changed. I have opted not to let her intimidate me with her threats, and told her that all dialogue ends immediately if she continues her drama and barrage of FOG (not using the FOG terminology, of course).

And I´m ready to act on it.

You say "How is this considered a break-up? In her mind, she is still having a relationship with you", please elaborate.

Do you mean that IF she is a BP, she doesn´t understand that we are broken up because we TALK?

Or do you mean ANY (normal, non-BP) woman would consider my willingness to have a dialogue (and nothing else btw), a sign that we are still together?

Just want to make sure I understand you correctly.

I honestly thought a BP breakup only could be handled as a process and not and event. And I was sure that the "official" and best way of breaking up with a BP is to break it off, and then "go boring" when they wont accept the breakup?

Am I missing something?

Again - thank you SO much for the slap in the face about boundaries.

You are absolutely right. I friggin need to wake up and stand my ground!

Thank you! 

I broke it off with her.  I am fine with texting and talking to her on the phone

Unfortunately I have not kept the boundaries.

How is this considered a "break-up?"

In her mind, she still is having a relationship with you.

Ive had thinly vailed threats about "messing up my house", "using social media to destroy my reputation", "getting a lawyer to sue me for the things she gave me, because I exploited her" etc

Yes, because you have no boundaries.

Please, do not call the police because of your lack of boundaries. This is a problem you will have for the rest of your life if you don't learn the lesson *right now* about how to effectively end conflict by speaking your truth. Use your voice.

You've tried "being boring, depressed and confused,"  in order to end this. That's another way to describe passive aggression, isn't it? Avoidance of clear cut boundaries in the hopes that this will all just go away? That's how you got here.

Is it any wonder that your girlfriend says you "exploit" her? - keeping her communication lines and (malignant hope) alive as well as her anger about you "trying" to be boring, depressed and confused? That would make anyone knock on the door to your house for answers and seems like cause and effect in my book.

Better to be mature and set down your boundary. That means either doing it with a letter of closure or meeting face to face but it has to be said.

You've never ended it and meant it. Now's the time.

[rougeetnoir]

Hi Wannago,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling afraid.  It's a terrible position to be in and can be especially compounded for a man because there is a certain cultural bias against taking female on male abuse seriously.

I understand where you are coming from concerning "boring, etc."  it seems you've followed the advice in order to ensure the smoothest breakup possible, but it doesn't seem to be happening.  What I would recommend is to be honest with your ex.  Basically, explain as clearly as possible, that the relationship is over that no matter what she does (shows up at your house, etc.) you won't be talking to her. That you've tried to be reasonable and she's abused your reasonableness.  Take your time with the first step: A clear explanation of what you are doing should ease your OG part of the FOG.  The second thing you should do is figure out what you can do to protect yourself mentally, legally and physically.  Do you see a therapist or a psychiatrist?  If so, see about anti-anxiety medications and strategies.  If your ex visits your house, record, but don't engage.  Finally, if you know a lawyer with whom you can consult, do so.

You've tried to be as easygoing as possible, but she's abused that.  This is a pattern that- in it's more radical forms-- keeps people stuck in these relationships.  Do what you must and do it with efficiency. 

[LongGoneEx]

Unfortunately I have not kept the boundaries, and sometimes accepted conversations with her barrage of FOG.

Ive had thinly vailed threats about "messing up my house", "using social media to destroy my reputation", "getting a lawyer to sue me for the things she gave me, because I exploited her" etc.

[snip]

I feel really bad about calling the cops, partly because I don´t want to escalate the situation - and because it seems totally beyond anything that´s normal in my life.

I dont THINK she´d harm me or actually follow thru with her threats - I believe they are only FOG tools, but naturally I don´t know.

How do I go about this?

• Clean cut, tell her to not contact me, cover my ass legally etc?

• Keep being "boring, depressed" etc?

• Something else?

I can appreciate how unnerving it is to have someone threatening and slandering you, especially after the sensationalism of the Jodi Arias BPD case. But don't panic, as Douglas Adams said.

Also, don't waste a second of your time explaining anything to your ex because a pwBPD lives in a world of lies they create for themselves. It's a world that's impervious to empathy, logic, your fear or your needs. Just go completely no contact with her: let her spend her days gazing at her navel, which is what a pwBPD does best, and remove the option of punctuating that routine with some snarling at you. That will also give you a disciplined goal to aim for.

What you've tried to do by staying in touch is understandable because with a normal partner after a breakup it's still possible to discuss things and get closure and maybe even be friends one day. But a BPD ex is not normal in either thinking or behavior and you've probably not yet radically accepted the implications of that. It would probably have been better to go through the motions of letting her dump you and then going NC, because BPDs absolutely hate being the dumpee, but I wouldn't re-engage her just to go through that charade.

I don't know your circumstances or thoughts well enough to presume things about you, but with regard to her threats and her defamation of your character, if it was me, I'd also begin there by going no contact. Don't respond to any of it, but do keep a record of her messages in case there is legal or police involvement down the road. However, I'd suggest not reading any of her nonsense - because it is nonsense, designed to keep her abuse of you going. Just send it unread to archive, if it's email, and don't open it if it's a text. You might also think about blocking her numbers on cell phone and/or porting your landline to a Voip provider which offers user-customized call filtering. So whenever she calls from her number(s), the VOIP provider plays a message saying your number is no longer in service, and she can't leave a message. Other callers can still reach you normally.

[lionheart872]

Cover yourself legally, Consider a restraining order, or she may try to turn it around on you... . That is my experience unfortunately... . Document everything as well

[Leap]

My advice to you is NEVER forget who and what you are dealing with.  That is why this illness is so difficult to deal with, not only for you but, most likely for her.  Even if she has been diagnosed with it or was shown that she does indeed meet the criteria for being considered BPD, she may not want to accept it.  And yes, in her mind, if you are still talking, writing letters, email, texting or thinking about her, the relationship is still a go.  My BPD wife, who I am in the process of separating from, blames me for all of our troubles and woes.  I share responsibility in my own case simply by not educating myself better about the illness.  It is pointless for me to point out the many reasons why she share some responsibility for our situation, such as the fact that she had so many affairs on me in the 11 years we have been married that she cannot recall all of them (her words, not mine).  Or the fact that she has moved another man into my house while I am still here (not my idea).  Or the fact that we are going to have eviction proceedings started against us in 10 days because she brought a dog into our apartment and refuses to get rid of it (again her idea) with me telling her the entire time the dog has been here that it is only a matter of time before we get the notice that we received today saying it's the dog or the dog and us.  I could go on and on and on and on but what's the point.  Basically, what I have learned is that no matter what you do or do not do, she will turn it to meet whatever perception she has of your relationship.  So if she thinks you are still together then you are and no matter what you do, it doesn't matter.  Once you begin to accept this little nugget of truth you will begin to see what and who you are dealing with.  As for her threats, who knows.  I don't know how long your relationship has been or how well you know her, but if my BPD wife threatened to try to completely dismantle my life I would take her seriously because I know that if she became desperate enough she could do anything, up to and including taking my life.  Will this happen?  Probably not because in the time I have been with her she has really not been violent with me physically.  I personally feel she would probably commit suicide before she would kill me.  So when she starts talking about suicide, I pay attention.  Vindictiveness on the other hand, that's a whole other ball of wax.  She could set my car on fire and be perfectly fine with it if she thought I deserved it (she actually did this to her mothers car when she was 17).  Will she do something like that?  I hope and pray she doesn't but I can't afford to be cavalier or just think she is making "idle threats" because I truly do not know the depths of her misery, which is a big part of this illness.  The most dangerous animal in the world is one that is wounded, cornered or thinks they have nothing to lose anymore and since another big part of this illness is abandonment, they don't tend to take it very well when you leave.  So being on guard 24/7 is, unfortunately, just part of the deal.  It may suck.  It may be unfair.  It should be different but it isn't.  When you come to really understand this, you will begin to understand what and who you are dealing with.  I didn't mean to ramble and I hope this helps.  I can understand what you are going through and I wish you all the luck.   

[2010]

The reason why I opted for the "boring, depressed and confused", was simply because THATs what many articles (including the official ones on this site) recommend.

I originally thought making a clean cut was better - which is what I initially made - only to find out that it yielded bad results after one week.

You are the best judge for this, but let’s consider the two actions:

1)   Playing dead (becoming boring while still appearing to have a relationship) Etiology: Being under attack. Acknowledgment of attack. Compliance with attack.

This action is passive aggressive because it involves passively stuffing yourself down into a ball for protection against aggression while also remaining on high alert (aggressively passive) in case things should escalate. It is the equivalent of “fight” in “fight or flight” or in this case it means stay, hunker down and survive until there is no longer any danger of attack because of the disinterest of the attacker.

2)   Fleeing (Cut and Dry. Running Away. No slow bleed continuing on for future months or years. Final letter. Firm Boundaries. Separation. No contact Agreement) Etiology: Being under attack. Acknowledgement of attack. Avoidance of attack.

This action involves removing oneself from any further possibility of continuing the fight, shoring up the self boundaries and re-claiming self-determination. It is also considered by some to be a form of shunning, which is recommended in the Bible against people who try to steal your peace of mind.

Wannago, I have not met your ex, but if your life is in danger, then by all means, call the police.

PROS AND CONS of Both-

Playing Dead :

1)   Pros: As Joe Carver suggests, become so boring that there is no longer any interest. This would really work best if this person has narcissistic tendencies and needed attention for their ego so badly that they would quickly realize they weren’t getting any satisfaction and then move on to find it in someone else.

2)     Cons: Since BPD isn’t about attention but rather about identity- the differences between narcissism (which is a grandiose ego) and Borderline, which is a fragile almost non-existent self concept, are entirely different. The Borderline clings while the Narcissist flees in order to protect his ego. It’s easier to get rid of a Narcissist, by far. The healthier self concept is the person with self preservation. A person with BPD often is so enmeshed, they do not have a healthy self concept to preserve.

3)   Cons: Since BPD is an insecure attachment, this person with an arrested development is looking to you as a replacement for a parent and if you become depressed, boring or ……, this can activate feelings of neglect. Neglect can trigger rage because neglect is really about emotional deprivation or “withdrawing parents” which fuels the insecurity about the attachment, especially concerning abandonment. Withdrawing causes clinging for security, and subsequently, hating you (and themselves) for the insecurity. This can escalate panic and create impulsivity, including violence.


4)   Cons: Even well adjusted people have been wounded by the “playing dead” approach of their partner during a break-up. “Playing dead” involves silent treatments and the appearance of disinterest which is a perfect example of ineffective communication, causing confusion and more misunderstandings and a slow bleed on the heart. When asked afterwards whether or not they could handle being told that the relationship was over, most respondents claimed they would rather hear the news straight out than be lied to.

5)   Pros: Now, having said that- there are times when a person’s life is being threatened and she/he has no resources or way to leave and must “pretend” to play dead in order to survive. “Playing dead” is a very effective way to buy time in order to plan an escape in an abusive marriage with two people living under the same roof.


6)   Cons: If you continue talking, she will continue clinging and blaming and the end result is you hate her OR you give in to her demands and continue the relationship, where you will go back and forth while keeping one eye open at night. Travis Alexander and Jody Arias are a perfect example of what can go wrong. Mr. Alexander, may he rest in peace, opened his door and let Arias back in to his life. The communication lines were still open and as they say, any addiction is much harder to break when the drug dealer knocks on your door.

7)   Cons: Remaining aggressively passive will cause stress, stress causes cortisol, cortisol leads to a number of conditions that can become health concerns, leading to a lifetime of downward spiral. Just remember, stress kills.

Fleeing: (No Contact)

1)   Cons: You’re dealing with someone who has arrested development. Someone who considers you as important as a parent while also showing you the stage (the level of arrested development) where they are stuck. That means she shows up at your door unannounced, texts you in the middle of the night and desperately tries to manipulate your guilt because she feels she is going to be left behind like an abandoned child. This can escalate panic and create impulsivity, including violence.

Just remember, these fears are real. Being alone for a Borderline causes such separation anxiety that she will honestly be scared for her life. She may even have a temper tantrum just like a child would. You have to remain firm, like a parent.

2)   Pros: She accepts that it’s over.

3)   Cons: If she is already threatening you with a smear campaign, then you have achieved a level of frustration that will only escalate if you stop talking to her. She accepts that it’s over while also proceeding to smear your name, because this is how she will (hopefully) find a new rescuer who will think she’s been victimized by you.

4)   Pros: She will find a new rescuer who will think she’s been victimized by you.

5)   Cons: Together they will smear you name. Expect it and Let it happen. Don't remain in the fight for any reason and it will soon take the steam out of the persecution smear.

6)   Pros: Eventually, you will thank your lucky stars that he has entered the picture.

7)     Cons: Remaining in a hyper-aroused state of not knowing what will happen next will cause stress, stress causes cortisol, cortisol leads to a number of conditions that can become health concerns... .

8)      Pros: the effects of the smear campaign will eventually fade.

A couple more things to ponder:

Being stuck in arrested development means there is a failure to separate/individuate without someone else to cling to, that clinging eventually turns to blame when the “surrogate parent” tries to distance themselves. Blame turns into hate, which is also self-hatred for a Borderline. So if you stay, or if you go- there will *always* be hate. It is a part of the disorder.

This isn’t an adult break-up. It’s like leaving a child. That’s why it’s very important to understand your own triggers when trying to let go. Most people have a very hard time and it’s this defuse boundary setting that creates more problems, because in the eyes of a Borderline, there is always some form of mistrust and then a reaction to the mistrust, which can seem like it’s done with intent, but actually it’s very impulsive, and that’s why you need to be firm, like a parent to a child, but while also realizing that your child HATES you and there is no way around it unless you acquiesce to their demands. If you’re going to be healthy- you shouldn’t.

It’s in the hating that you will find your way out of the attachment. Not in the clinging frustration which only kicks the can down the road.

So, if its attention she needs to feed her ego, then surely the quality of your attention (becoming boring) would do the trick. She would be off seeking attention from someone else.

If its identity, then you are going to have to suffer through splitting, and rage and a smear campaign that helps her displace her feelings about the loss of identity with you.

Your identity is what is needed by a person with BPD. Failing to have your identity, the impulse is to destroy it with a smear campaign or turn others against you because you are representative of a greater power that has now become the face of the punitive parent in their psyche. You will be accused of the worst things imaginable despite your attempts at comforting them. I’m sorry that this will happen to you, but you have to understand it as the part you are now playing in the distorted belief system of the disorder. There’s nothing you can do to stop this distorted belief about you. You see, it’s really not about you- it’s about a conceptualized punitive parent who oversees them and considers them defective for not becoming “whole.” You are currently the stand-in for this parent that lives in their psyche.

Since you are being threatened with what appears to be emotional terrorism already, the playing dead concept will only work if you really do slowly and methodically *erase the map that leads to you* in every manner of the word. That means no touching, kissing, listening, responding to veiled threats or allowing yourself to be abused psychically in any way. You just play dead. This is something that is very hard to do, because as I said before it triggers neglect and makes the clinging worse and triggers guilt (in you) which makes it harder to leave.

You want out. So you have two ways to do this:

1)   Keep doing what you are doing and hope it works.

2)   It's over. Tell her that you want her to stand on her own, and while you know she’s going to be scared, it’s the only way that she will succeed. You can’t do it for her. You have to support each other by giving each other the space to heal and then respect that space.

If you choose #2, as Leap stated, suicide threats should be taken seriously. Call 911 if they occur. She will get help and that may mean therapy, which is great at bringing things to the surface and not hiding the abuse anymore.

Let her smear campaign begin, and keep your distance. Maintain radio silence, because there is no need to bargain with an emotional terrorist who threatens you. Realize that Borderlines never really give up an insecure attachment when the insecurity is what fuels their distorted belief system.  You see, you are very useful in that regard.

If you let go, then she can find a new replacement to take your place. I know that sounds callous, but this is about need. BPD is an attachment disorder, and some Borderlines, especially waifs, buy protection out of weakness, rather than strength. That means they will appear victimized in order to find new rescuers and the insecure attachment to those rescuers will begin to take over your dynamic.

To do: create a list of “what’s the worst that can happen” and go over it with a trusted friend.

Since you don’t share a residence, if she’s making it a point of dropping by unannounced. Don't let her inside, as it is much harder to get her out again. I know it sounds harsh, but the door to your home is a real boundary.

Write a letter, post it here if you want. Watch for your own triggers- fear, obligation and guilt.

Remember, because two people should not become one in order to be “whole” –Both people must have autonomy, the freedom to do what you want and go where you wish. In order to do that, you’ve got to be separate and separated. It's a universal law.

Good luck.  

[Skip]

As anyone who knows a bit about BPD would expect, a few months later she still hasn´t acccepted the break up.

From the start, I'm not sure this is an accurate assessment.  There are many here that have struggled with how fast and completely their relationship was abandoned.  Some of the members here wouldn't accept the breakup for months.  And, of course, some have experienced exactly what you are experiencing.   

I say this to only make one point - the ex-relationship partners are not a monolith - and our actions in relationship are not independent and inconsequential.  We don't want to get caught up in this type thinking as it is really moves us further away from understanding people.  That's really what we want to learn.  Our actions very much influence (not control) what has and is happening. 

In reading your history, there is not a lot of information to go on - like how long you have been together or how much recycling there has been, what the length of the recycles have been, what happens when she come to your house (does she send the night)... . but lets break down what we have... .

First, lets put all the assignments of pathology aside for a minute (passive aggressive, narcissistic, BPD).  It sometimes obscures the obvious.

1. This relationship has a history of recycling and the words "I'm done" have been said and rescinded many times.

2. This most recent "breakup" phase of the recycle has gone on for weeks.  You are still talking about the relationship issues regularly.

Conceivably, anyone in this relationship could believe that it is not done yet based on the history and the actions - you are still debating the relationship issues regularly.

So where are you both?  Clearly you know things are in a bad way. And clearly, you are emotionally connected over whatever it is that you are fighting about.  You both don't want to let that go.

Some of or members get caught up in this - and then the other party does finally walk away - and they get really upset about that.  PM me if you want a few case history links. 

That´s the main reason I ask for help here:  I feel unsafe at home. Maybe its all in my head, maybe not. But being mentally and emotionally alert 24-7 is exhausting, and it´s devastating to my work, health and overall well-being.

I want peace in my life.

I feel really bad about calling the cops, partly because I don´t want to escalate the situation - and because it seems totally beyond anything that´s normal in my life.

I don't THINK she´d harm me or actually follow thru with her threats - I believe they are only FOG tools, but naturally I don´t know.

How do I go about this?

• Clean cut, tell her to not contact me, cover my ass legally etc?

• Keep being "boring, depressed" etc?

• Something else?

Be strong.  Let go of the fight.

You can move to Tibet, or go into witness protection, or call the police, or build a moat, or just be cool - but the bottom line is that you must stop engaging the fight - and if you can't, recognize that you are a co-conspirator in this problem.

So now lets consider BPD or codependency influences.  How does that influence the above?  Likely it would mean that there is a lot of emotion and fears on both side for letting go and facing the end.

How can you deal with your end of this?

[Leap]

I just wanted to say to skip, you make a good point.  What you said in your post from 5/20 was something I needed reminded of and I appreciate it immensely.  It is so easy to forget sometimes what we may or may not be doing to contribute to the issues that are inherent in this type of relationship.  I have really had to go back and look at my own part, my own responsibility in my relationship with my BPDw and what I have done to make it better or worse.  This is no easy task but it does help in dealing with it (at least for me) and hopefully, if nothing else, I will be able to grow and become a better person for it.  So again, thanks for the post.

[HazelJade]

The reason why I opted for the "boring, depressed and confused", was simply because THATs what many articles (including the official ones on this site) recommend.

I originally thought making a clean cut was better - which is what I initially made - only to find out that it yielded bad results after one week.

You are the best judge for this, but let’s consider the two actions... .

What. A. Post.

Everytime I read you, 2010, I see you as an eagle flying much, much higher.

And I see something new thanks to you, and find some new hope in myself. It's not just the perspective and vision that you have, it's the rare skill of also being able to communicate such difficult concepts with an astonishing clarity.

Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts on these boards. I am forever grateful.

[Arminius]

Call the cops. Make it so she gets arrested if she harasses you. She does it enough, she's in jail.

Solved.

[Blimblam]

Act as crazy as they make you feel.  Text her non stop multiple texts.  Alternate between being desperate for her and calling her a liar.  And all the while invalidate her.   She will be gone quick.