Ex monkey-branched with my best friend

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Hello,

good to be here. I read a lot of the relevant posts to me here before joining.

I just got out of a 2 year relationship with my ex with BPD. It all unravelled when I, at the end of my compassion and wits, did the "this is so terrible I want to break up" routine, only this time I was determined to end it. She tried manipulating me into staying, I refused. After emotionally thrashing around, she relented. Seemed to find solace in it too. Like a flick of the switch.

A few days later we talk and slink back into the bond and decide that we would stay friends. We're better that way, right? It quickly changes to taking a break. At this point, the break was about not CONSTANTLY messaging each other on WA or Discord. She breaks this up and says she needs a complete break. No strings attached, a hard break. Go live your life break. In her arational manner she doesn't give any a specific time frame. Just asks me to "trust her and let go".

Two weeks later, my soul nearly leaving my body for the stress, I reach out to her and ask if there's a chance she would give me like a waypoint meet-up where we discussed the future. In a disgustingly cavalier tone, she off-handedly says "Sure, I was going to contact you soon anyway. We could meet today already if it's okay with you? The Chinese place?" and immediately I know she has made up her mind and it's that she wants to end things. After hesitating she tells me the truth as I pressed her to spit it out. She doesn't want to retry a relationship with me.

I get mad, I call her a cancer and get hysterical, she blocks me, says "let's talk next week". I spend the week absolutely devasted, my guts spilling out. Next week comes, we start talking about she retrieving her stuff from my place. There's a bunch of stuff. We originally plan for her to get a friend to get the stuff as there's a lot of it.
I first ask if my best friend is going to be there helping her. She casually says no. I had figured they had a thing going on, judging by his history of openly fawning for her in a number of just-under-the-radar behavior.

I decide to amp it up, asking her if they have a fling. She says "I wish we could use WA to discuss practical matters. If you're going to get like this again, I will have to block you." This already tells me enough, but I need to be sure. I confront my friend about it. He says they've been seeing each other "a few times now". By that point, we had been on the break for 3 weeks, and at a no-questions, no going back break-up for a week. I promptly cease communications with both.

Later on, via a mutual friend, we discuss retreiving her things and now it's done. They're both out of my life. She asked me to not bug her or her closest people and I replied that I will not keep betrayal a secret. She blocked me, and I told a mutual friend of ours and even her step-mom, who along with her father had accepted me as part of their family. I am absolutely gutted. Never felt this betrayed in my entire adult life. I had to go the emergency room twice because of my anxiety. The earth beneath my feet vanished.

I'm doing better but still obviously reeling. I've lost real track of time. I think the last messages were sent on Wednesday.

[Tupla Sport]

Hello,

good to be here. I read a lot of the relevant posts to me here before joining.

I just got out of a 2 year relationship with my ex with BPD. It all unravelled when I, at the end of my compassion and wits, did the "this is so terrible I want to break up" routine, only this time I was determined to end it. She tried manipulating me into staying, I refused. After emotionally thrashing around, she relented. Seemed to find solace in it too. Like a flick of the switch.

A few days later we talk and slink back into the bond and decide that we would stay friends. We're better that way, right? It quickly changes to taking a break. At this point, the break was about not CONSTANTLY messaging each other on WA or Discord. She breaks this up and says she needs a complete break. No strings attached, a hard break. Go live your life break. In her arational manner she doesn't give any a specific time frame. Just asks me to "trust her and let go".

Two weeks later, my soul nearly leaving my body for the stress, I reach out to her and ask if there's a chance she would give me like a waypoint meet-up where we discussed the future. In a disgustingly cavalier tone, she off-handedly says "Sure, I was going to contact you soon anyway. We could meet today already if it's okay with you? The Chinese place?" and immediately I know she has made up her mind and it's that she wants to end things. After hesitating she tells me the truth as I pressed her to spit it out. She doesn't want to retry a relationship with me.

I get mad, I call her a cancer and get hysterical, she blocks me, says "let's talk next week". I spend the week absolutely devasted, my guts spilling out. Next week comes, we start talking about she retrieving her stuff from my place. There's a bunch of stuff. We originally plan for her to get a friend to get the stuff as there's a lot of it.
I first ask if my best friend is going to be there helping her. She casually says no. I had figured they had a thing going on, judging by his history of openly fawning for her in a number of just-under-the-radar behavior.

I decide to amp it up, asking her if they have a fling. She says "I wish we could use WA to discuss practical matters. If you're going to get like this again, I will have to block you." This already tells me enough, but I need to be sure. I confront my friend about it. He says they've been seeing each other "a few times now". By that point, we had been on the break for 3 weeks, and at a no-questions, no going back break-up for a week. I promptly cease communications with both.

Later on, via a mutual friend, we discuss retreiving her things and now it's done. They're both out of my life. She asked me to not bug her or her closest people and I replied that I will not keep betrayal a secret. She blocked me, and I told a mutual friend of ours and even her step-mom, who along with her father had accepted me as part of their family. I am absolutely gutted. Never felt this betrayed in my entire adult life. I had to go the emergency room twice because of my anxiety. The earth beneath my feet vanished.

I'm doing better but still obviously reeling. I've lost real track of time. I think the last messages were sent on Wednesday.

[khibomsis]

O Tupla Sport, so sorry to hear what you are going through! It sounds like hell.

I find deep breathing and meditation works for the anxiety. And curiously enough, if I work out fervently the anxiety lessens in intensity. Go figure.

You know you dodged a bullet, right? You are lucky to have gotten two such untrustworthy people out of your life. You could have wasted more time and effort on the madness, whereas now you have the rest of your life back. I recommend to ease your pain: a good reading of the "Conflicted" board just above this. It can get so messy with children, property together, finances, law. You got off lucky with 'just' a broken heart but hopefully your life is still intact.

Are you in therapy already? I would highly recommend it. That and these boards keep me sane.

 

[Tupla Sport]

O Tupla Sport, so sorry to hear what you are going through! It sounds like hell.

I find deep breathing and meditation works for the anxiety. And curiously enough, if I work out fervently the anxiety lessens in intensity. Go figure.

You know you dodged a bullet, right? You are lucky to have gotten two such untrustworthy people out of your life. You could have wasted more time and effort on the madness, whereas now you have the rest of your life back. I recommend to ease your pain: a good reading of the "Conflicted" board just above this. It can get so messy with children, property together, finances, law. You got off lucky with 'just' a broken heart but hopefully your life is still intact.

Are you in therapy already? I would highly recommend it. That and these boards keep me sane.

 

Deep breathing is ridiculously simple and effective!

Yeah. I just read people's stories about being married with kids and dealing with an aggressive, classic BPD spouse. Mine was a mousy quiet BPD who would ruminate on things to no end only to flick the switch and the script. Terrible splits, but at least she was more like a time bomb than a walking fireworks factory on fire. I got lucky; only lost 2 years of my life, a best friend who turned out was a real worm and 600 euros she owed me for helping her move out of my apartment .

Thing is though, I have co-dep issues and they have been on fire lately, lemme tell ya. I had invested so much of myself in these two rodents. It's incredible. It felt my like heart and soul evaporating in a manner of minutes when I realized there must have been cheating involved.

I had a therapist booked. For couples councelling because I was in a rush to find a therapist lest the government-backed fund referral would become dated. We are going to continue in a weird place  because he is not licensed for one-person therapy byt the govt.

[SinisterComplex]

Tupla Sport, Welcome to the fam.  

With that out of the way...truly sorry to hear about your circumstances that brought you here, but I am happy you found us.

I think the most important thing is that your supposed best friend was never a best friend to begin with. Its unfortunate you had to find that out in such a breaking way. However, friends like that are never truly your friends...they are leeches and a cancer...you just never see it until it is too late and the damage is done.

Obviously, the loss of your ex and your best friend just compounds matters. I actually do understand the pain all too well. My ex cheated on me and while she didn't cheat with one of my close friends my buddy was her boss and he knew what was going on...he knew she was messing around with the dude who was under him. However, he never said anything to me. In all seriousness in that moment I was done with both altogether. Like disappear you do not exist to me.

The best thing you can do is truly move on and drop both like a bad habit. There is nothing to salvage. That is betrayal on a different level.

So moving forward...now is your time. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Tupla Sport]

Tupla Sport, Welcome to the fam.  

With that out of the way...truly sorry to hear about your circumstances that brought you here, but I am happy you found us.

I think the most important thing is that your supposed best friend was never a best friend to begin with. Its unfortunate you had to find that out in such a breaking way. However, friends like that are never truly your friends...they are leeches and a cancer...you just never see it until it is too late and the damage is done.

Obviously, the loss of your ex and your best friend just compounds matters. I actually do understand the pain all too well. My ex cheated on me and while she didn't cheat with one of my close friends my buddy was her boss and he knew what was going on...he knew she was messing around with the dude who was under him. However, he never said anything to me. In all seriousness in that moment I was done with both altogether. Like disappear you do not exist to me.

The best thing you can do is truly move on and drop both like a bad habit. There is nothing to salvage. That is betrayal on a different level.

So moving forward...now is your time. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you.

This is my first weekend alone after the final breakup and I feel very lonely. I've reached out to friends though and went to an Al-Anon meetup today which soothed me. The feeling of jealousy over the newly-formed traitor couple gets to me though. She lives 500 meters from me and I can see her on her balcony sometimes when I get home by bus.

I hope she moves in quick with my ex friend and disappears. That would fit both of their profiles.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you.

This is my first weekend alone after the final breakup and I feel very lonely. I've reached out to friends though and went to an Al-Anon meetup today which soothed me. The feeling of jealousy over the newly-formed traitor couple gets to me though. She lives 500 meters from me and I can see her on her balcony sometimes when I get home by bus.

I hope she moves in quick with my ex friend and disappears. That would fit both of their profiles.

I can understand the immediate draw to want to give into the jealousy and let rage takeover...in truth that is normal and typical. However, if you can stem the tide so to speak try to harness the anger and the rage use it as fuel for energy for something more productive. Additionally, instead letting yourself be weakened by the events and feeling jealousy try to train yourself to view it as good riddance. Rise above...let them wallow in misery together...it will happen in due time. You have to develop that F this mentality and think you will not bring me down. Choose to be stronger and choose wield the power over you. Self supremacy trumps all here.

Keep your head up my friend. Be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[khibomsis]

Practice that deep breathing, my friend. Just think that if you can see her on the balcony, she can see you off the bus. Make sure she sees a happy, smiling face and a toned body. Just walking is great for those rages, and leaves you looking great too. Although a more serious workout will do you no harm and leave you feeling better.
Tupla Sport, you are making it through the worst. Surviving the first weekend is the hardest. I should know, we have recycled three times so I am a real sucker for putting myself through this pain. By the same token I guess it shows that you can survive it. One minute at a time sometimes...
Last weekend I did a poetry reading and an art exhibition. A little frenetic but sure beats sitting at home and brooding. What are your plans for the weekend?
Great that you got therapy lined up. In these days post-CoVID it can be hard to find mental health care, waitlists are long, so a couple therapist is better than no therapist. It's a start. AlAnon is great too, it really looks like you've got a structured program for recovery in place.

In the meantime enjoy your 600 euro's worth of space. Staying with her would have cost you much, much, more. I know it hurts, we all work hard for our money, but it is going to be worth every cent in peace and quiet.


I'm with SC on those two. She carries her issues with her wherever she goes, and he brings his untrustworthiness into the relationship. It won't be long before you see them crash and burn

[Tupla Sport]

Thank you so much for the support.

I spent my Friday alone, Saturday in the Al-Anon group for two hours and today I'm seeing gaming buddies at our club.

I learnt about limerence and it refined my point of view a lot. It's harrowing to know that it's a thing of its own and it is clearly affecting all of the three people in the triangle. Now I'm not obviously trying to empathetically understand the two limerancebirds but I can see that

1.) She has at least limerence-adjacent behavior in how she finds, lures and holds to a new Favourite Person. She reeled my former best friend in by first bonding over movies with him, until they were in this limerence limbo, basically waiting to pounce on each other as soon as I was broken up with her.
2.) He has a history of dating unstable women and has clearly been involved in limerence with her ever since they started bonding over their hobbies. He is smitten by a woman with emotional sincerity and she is smitten by a guy who will absolutely doormat himself to become the perfect partner who will cheerlead them to no end. In a way I was in a limerent Platonic relationship with him! He was my favourite person. I like to think I didn't overburden him but I did do a lot of the same oversharing and expecting fawning behavior from him as she did.
3.) I am in limerence hell. Most of my waking thoughts gravitate towards her, I have to compulsively masturbate to keep fantasies of her from surfacing. I had to do that before we broke up too because I was wanting a whole lot more of sex than what we were having. I'm even afraid of going to my local gym coz I couldn't stand the sight of her ample posterior in her tight gym pants.  I obviously have options as it's a franchise gym so I have access to other gyms but it's still messed up. People are telling me to move on and get on with my life but because of limerence, it's like a drug addiction. I feel empty and depowered, if that makes sense. Declawed.