It's been a while since I've been plunged into the mindless fear I always experienced in confronting my ex. But I did it. I finally addressed the last tie between us--the fact that I've been paying his phone bill for the last year while we were off and on again. He recently lost his job in February and has asked me to hang on for a while while he looks. It's $90, and I am having my own financial issues--mainly that I had a freelance job of my own that I counted on to bring in almost a year's income that is "on hold," and oh yes, I paid about $100,000 on him over the four years we were together because he was "too frail" to find a job.
Now, after reaching out one final time to me and me saying "no," he is dating someone. He is also doing the following:
1. Smoking again
2. Going out to a brewpub with friends every week at least once
3. Going to hockey games
4. Going out to dinners with friends
5. Buying video games and toys
6. Taking out the new girl (unless he's asking her to pay for everything the way he did me.)
I don't doubt he's cut way back. But he obviously has disposable income. So I'm paying his phone bill so he can take out the new girl.
We parted well, and I'd like to keep it that way, but this is eating at me. So tonight I sent the following:
"I've realized that more is going on here than an extra $90 going out of my bank account each month; it's a tie back to the not-so-good part of our time together, when you felt resentful and controlled because I had the monetary power, and I felt resentful that you were not contributing. Bad vibes all round.
So let's do this. Let's tie up this final loose end that is keeping us connected to each other in a negative way.
1. Re the phone: I can give you another two months for you to get a job and have extra income flowing. I will keep track of it from now on. I will also factor in this month's for a total of $270. You can start paying me back at the end of July at a rate we can agree upon at that time. At the end of July, I will turn over your phone payment to you. That will give you time to start setting aside some money for it and for reimbursing me. I know the money is tight, it is for me too, and I am sure you will agree that it is not fair for me to harm myself financially for a bill that's not mine. I know that you don't want to be "that guy" either.
2. I'm going for one day to this (business opportunity), and while I bet I will miss some sales due to not being able to take credit cards, I am sure it won't be hundreds. Let's agree that if I do miss a sale, you'll reimburse me for the ability to hang on to your phone for a while longer without paying while you continue your search. It could be nothing, it could be $20, it could be $50. We'll see. Hopefully everyone will be operating on a cash budget.
So on May 13, after the (business opportunity), I will let you know if I lost any sales, and around July 20th, I'll figure out what needs to happen to transfer the phone contract to you. At that point, you will assume the $90 for the phone bill on a regular basis, plus a payment to me each month/paycheck/whatever to gradually pay me back for $270.
This is really uncomfortable for me. I feel nervous and scared, shaking in a little as I type, but you know... . you've been really great about handling things in the last few months, dramatically so, and so I'm just not going to be afraid.
I'm going to trust in the growth we have both experienced.
I hope we can wrap this up in a calm and positive manner, and both of us will benefit. From this point on, this no longer has to be the "elephant in the room," and that can only be a good thing."
My heart is racing. I know it's from the old familiar tapes. I hope he rises to the occasion.
I live alone here, work alone, and I don't have many friends in the place to which I was forced to move when I left a year ago. You guys are a lifeline. Thank you in advance for all good thoughts!
