Friends? No more- all done

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I tried. I have tried and each time he finds a new way to find something nice that I've done and twist it.

This time he emailed me he is taking some woman friend and her daughter to my favourite restaurant. Wants to know does he need to book? He knows the answer he just wants to tell me he's out there, on a saturday night, knowing full well I could be there with my kids. He doesn't even live in my town ffs! My kids were quite traumatised by seeing him dysregulated and they don't need to see him in their favourite places a year later. I've explained that to him. He said he understood that. He said he owes me and he'd do anything to make up for the hurt he caused me. If he really believed that he wouldn't behave the way he does.

This man wants to hurt me. He is disordered. He does what he does out of a need to survive. He will think he is doing nothing wrong, why shouldn't he do what he's doing. Why shouldn't he date women in my local community and take them to my favourite places! Why oh why did I trust him by taking him there when I can't trust him?

Because I still find it impossible to believe that somebody can actually be so different to the rest of the world as I know it! And because I still put want to put my trust in someone who betrayed me.



That's my thing- but I'm working on it (have a few others I'm working on too 

I just took him to the pizza restaurant out of friendship. I wanted to share a place I love with him. I knew he'd like it, it's a great restaurant. But in the back of my mind was a voice that said don't trust him. I don't like that voice but I should have heeded it.

It doesn't matter too much. I will still go, I won't let him rule my life. Chances are he would have found the restaurant if I hadn't taken him there anyway. He already told me he was dating in the local cafe at the bottom of my road and in my favourite bar/ restaurant.

I emailed him I'm done. Please don't contact me and that I wish him all the best. Said I'll probably bump into him in one of my favourite places! Said I'm done once and for all, that we have nothing in common and never really did. I said I wished him all the best with his life and to please stay away from mine. Told him I won't read anything he sends, that it will go straight to trash now. I have never been so clear.

I feel relieved. I feel like I've failed in keeping up the LC because I know I trigger him and that me pulling back triggers him but I can't deal with him playing his games. Nobody wins. Life isn't a game.

BPD feels like a game that nobody can ever win.

I'm not hurt by his actions so much as let down (maybe more by myself this time more than anything) but I think I should have guessed it was coming. I'm a bit annoyed with myself that I didn't do it all better. But I'm OK. I really am OK. BPD has given me an insight into my life that I wouldn't have got otherwise. I think in some ways BPD saved my life!

Thanks for listening and thank you as always bpdfamily.com. Gonna donate the money to bpdfamily.com that I would have spent on the gig me and ex were going to next week. I'm gonna order a pizza delivery from my favourite pizza restaurant  

www.youtu.be/USrUpei7CIM

[maria1]

I tried. I have tried and each time he finds a new way to find something nice that I've done and twist it.

This time he emailed me he is taking some woman friend and her daughter to my favourite restaurant. Wants to know does he need to book? He knows the answer he just wants to tell me he's out there, on a saturday night, knowing full well I could be there with my kids. He doesn't even live in my town ffs! My kids were quite traumatised by seeing him dysregulated and they don't need to see him in their favourite places a year later. I've explained that to him. He said he understood that. He said he owes me and he'd do anything to make up for the hurt he caused me. If he really believed that he wouldn't behave the way he does.

This man wants to hurt me. He is disordered. He does what he does out of a need to survive. He will think he is doing nothing wrong, why shouldn't he do what he's doing. Why shouldn't he date women in my local community and take them to my favourite places! Why oh why did I trust him by taking him there when I can't trust him?

Because I still find it impossible to believe that somebody can actually be so different to the rest of the world as I know it! And because I still put want to put my trust in someone who betrayed me.



That's my thing- but I'm working on it (have a few others I'm working on too 

I just took him to the pizza restaurant out of friendship. I wanted to share a place I love with him. I knew he'd like it, it's a great restaurant. But in the back of my mind was a voice that said don't trust him. I don't like that voice but I should have heeded it.

It doesn't matter too much. I will still go, I won't let him rule my life. Chances are he would have found the restaurant if I hadn't taken him there anyway. He already told me he was dating in the local cafe at the bottom of my road and in my favourite bar/ restaurant.

I emailed him I'm done. Please don't contact me and that I wish him all the best. Said I'll probably bump into him in one of my favourite places! Said I'm done once and for all, that we have nothing in common and never really did. I said I wished him all the best with his life and to please stay away from mine. Told him I won't read anything he sends, that it will go straight to trash now. I have never been so clear.

I feel relieved. I feel like I've failed in keeping up the LC because I know I trigger him and that me pulling back triggers him but I can't deal with him playing his games. Nobody wins. Life isn't a game.

BPD feels like a game that nobody can ever win.

I'm not hurt by his actions so much as let down (maybe more by myself this time more than anything) but I think I should have guessed it was coming. I'm a bit annoyed with myself that I didn't do it all better. But I'm OK. I really am OK. BPD has given me an insight into my life that I wouldn't have got otherwise. I think in some ways BPD saved my life!

Thanks for listening and thank you as always bpdfamily.com. Gonna donate the money to bpdfamily.com that I would have spent on the gig me and ex were going to next week. I'm gonna order a pizza delivery from my favourite pizza restaurant  

www.youtu.be/USrUpei7CIM

[laelle]

Awwwww Maria 

I am so sorry that things didnt work out with your ex.  I know how much a friendship meant to you.

He is trying to push your buttons into a response.  A bad response is better than indifference to him.  Dont blame yourself.  I am sure he is charming and seems so

harmless on the outside.  Its how he has survived all these years.

A walking child with a super duper faulty defense system. You cant give him "wholeness" even with a friendship.   

I am here for you if you want to talk.

  Laelle 

[maria1]

Thanks Laelle-  

He just got his last jibe in-

'You're ill. You need help. I didn't deserve that. I won't contact you again. Don't forget it was you who emailed me' (it wasn't of course  )

I want to say:-

'I don't care if you think I'm ill. Just please, please please, please stay out of my life.'

I am, however, saying absolutely nothing . I think he will stay gone. I am no longer of any use. Hallelujah.

[maria1]

 

You cant give him "wholeness" even with a friendship.

I thought I could just accept him for who he is and that included accepting his lack of wholeness. But he just has to hurt. He's been emailing every other day. Suggesting we do stuff. I was running out of excuses/ ability to ignore.

So he said he'd looked at my new profile on the dating site, that it was brilliant but nobody else comes close to me. I said thank you but that's not true it's just that the rest are rubbish! I think he thought I'd melt again.

He wants me where he wants me and if I won't be where he wants me he will hurt me. But he doesn't hurt me as he did. My fear of hurting him as always kept me hooked.

It always comes down to me or him. I feel like no matter what I do that's where it gets to. That choice.

Vent, vent, vent... .  feel better 

[laelle]

I vote you. 

[maria1]

Me too 

Thanks my friend. It helps to know you understand 

[laelle]

I soo do understand hun.

Your a good person Maria.  Why do you even have to accept this guy as he is?  He cant accept you as you are... .  (your boundaries)

He is walking on them because he doesnt like he isnt getting the "life blood" of Maria.  He feels you are holding out your supply on him.

He doesnt really care sweetheart.  Your goodness deserves a better target  

[maria1]

I know. Not sure about my goodness but I do know about his badness. I really felt it building over last few days. Like I just can't see any good left in him now. I really fought that, then he showed me. He keeps on showing me- I got the message.

It doesn't hurt like it did. I was feeling uncomfortable about the gig next week- ever so slightly worried about being in a car with him- it's an hour's drive away. I can't feel creeped out by a friend. That just felt more and more wrong. Guess I don't like being wrong!

[laelle]

It just screams NO! Maria.  You did the right thing.  You trusted yourself and your own instincts.

I know you a little bit since being on this website.  Your a tough cookie.  You know this illness and the reality of it.

You arent crazy... .  but he will drive you there if you want. 

[maria1]

I have this thing though- I can't think bad of him because that feeds into my 'drama queen' stuff. I want to be balanced, I don't want to write anybody off. A few months ago one of my tyres was flat one morning. The guy at the tyre repair said maybe someone had 'had a go at it'. 2 days later ex was in touch after a period of no contact.

I am laying it down now because I feel like I will wake up to another flat tyre soon. He used to talk about putting nails in to his ex wife's tyres. Then  he would say of course he wouldn't really.

He would.

[whereisthezen]

Maria,

It really sounds like he is stepping absolutely everything up to get you to notice him and beg him to come back.  It is absolutely foolish, insulting, and plain wrong for what he is doing his manipulation, but this is complete insecurity on his part.  He must not believe that you have moved on from him.  It sounds like he's at the end of list of tricks.

Good for you IGNORE him and keep on!

[maria1]

Thanks WITZ 

Isn't it tragic that someone has to do all that c**p just to stay connected to someone who doesn't like them much any more.

It's a horrible thing, this BPD.

[laelle]

You need to see the good in people Maria, its part of who you are.  It makes you feel good to see the good in people. It is beautiful thing Maria.

Take someone who needs to see the good in people and pair that up with someone who can not see the good in people because they project their garbage on to them.

What happens then?

You chase your tail trying to please someone who cant be pleased... .   The BPD dance.

[maria1]

That'll explain why we just aren't dancing any more, even as friends! I couldn't dance because I couldn't please. He always wants more. As soon as I saw he'd viewed me on the dating site I knew he was back to wanting more again. He doesn't even notice I've got nothing for him any more!

[Maryiscontrary]

You go girl!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hey Maria,  That sounds painful, but you sound strong.  I believe you are doing the right thing moving on.  And it confirms to me that it's probably not a good idea for me to try to reconnect with my ex.  I've had some thoughts along those lines lately, but I have not acted on them, and I don't plan to.  I'm just wanting to fill a gap.  I will fill it with it other healthy things!

I agree that these relationships are a blessing in disguise if the take the lesson and improve our lives.   

[Changed4safety]

  Maria!

You and I are a lot alike, except I think you're stronger than I.  Over the last 4 months since the "final" breakup, ex and I have been in friendly loving contact.  I thought finally we were "beating the odds" and able to still love and care for each other but in a distant way.  He comes back about a month ago and says he is still crazy in love with me, a ton of other beautiful things, says he would wait forever for me, all I ever needed to do was ask him and he would be right there and so on.  I had the strength to say "no" again.

We met later when I was back in my old state for business.  It felt great, then he says he's started dating someone--the day after my email reply to what he said.  Since then, it's like I don't exist any more.  I can't hate him, he's ill AND I rejected him steadily 4 for 4 times.  I think I have to do what you did--no friendship.  I think I was likely kidding myself... .  thank you for being your strong and beautiful self!

[laelle]

He comes back about a month ago and says he is still crazy in love with me, a ton of other beautiful things, says he would wait forever for me, all I ever needed to do was ask him and he would be right there and so on.

I can relate to this Changed4safety... .  

During one of our breakups I broke down after about 2 months and contacted him.  

He immediately responded back with "Is this you reaching out to me?"

Heck, I still hadnt figured out what made me break down and contact him, much less what my intentions were.  So, uhh... . ok yes "Yes, im reaching out"

Then immediately he says "I havent been with anyone else, have you?"  At this moment there is no reason for him to lie so I believe him.

Me - "Yes, well, I did go out on a date."  

Him - "While I was driving my friends nuts talking about you, you were seeing someone else."  "You sure got over me fast."

Him-  "I painted my bathroom and I wrote your name in the paint on the wall."  "Everyone thought I had lost my mind."

Me - JADE

Him - Forgave me (but not really) for dating someone after we broke up.    (we broke up with him telling me I was a toxic vile creature)  BPD style.

Within about 10 minutes of contacting him.  I changed my whole life, again... .  

Turns out, he didnt wait for me... .  He was reaching out to lots of other folks.  As we met back up he was very secretive, warning me that there was another female who might retaliate.  He said she was a psych and he was going to her for advice about me, and she got hooked on him and went bonkers and started stalking him.

She claimed he is a womanizer after it all ended.  OH POOR GUY  It was she who was hooked on him yet I saw posts where he was confessing his "dying" love for her.

Out of the FOG, I can look back and say... .  Ewww, just ewww.  What the hell was I thinking... .  

Knowing tho that their ability to manipulate to keep control has been perfected, trusting, naive me... .  didnt have a chance.

He knew my type of personality, and how I functioned.  

He knows If he sends out MASS emails offering his "im a nice guy crap", he is bound to bring in a few classic Codependants every once in a while.

Think of it like a vampire... .  they cant help that they need blood to survive and that someone else has to sacrifice to give it.

Its just the way they are.

[Validation78]

Hi All!    Maria!

I know how difficult the detachment process is, I really know. It's painful and requires great strength to endure, and I have the utmost sympathy for any of us who want to hang in there and hope for change, however unlikely.

We must all ask ourselves the tough questions. Is this relationship doing us more harm than good?

Knowing what we know about BPD, can we really keep this person in our lives, in any capacity, without being effected in an adverse way?

Where do we draw the line and decide that putting our needs first, and taking care of ourselves is more important than keeping a "friend"?

I know, this may all sound a bit cold. I miss the nice side of my stbxh, however, he does not enhance my wellbeing. I must find alternatives for the good that came from our marriage, not sit around yearning for what never was healthy. I am healthy, and strong, and I want to surround myself with others who are as well. I want to move forward, not back!

The losses we feel are real. We must work through the grieving process, and leave the past behind, grow and thrive.

Best Wishes,

Val78     

[Rose Tiger]

Hey Maria, on the tire thing.  If he is going to up the extinction bursts, do everything you can to not respond to him about it at all.   If you must do something, do it through the police with a restraining order.  Stalkers get something from reaction.  They taper off if there is no pay off.  Do you have a dog?  Dogs are great for single moms for love and more importantly, protection.  I dealt with a stalker and that is what finally made him stop was the no reaction/no pay off.

You know that my ex recently contacted me.  My thoughts were swirling around.  I don't like how he acts.  I don't like how my task lead has been acting recently.  I don't like how my teen has been putting on the disgruntled poor me attitude lately.  All these people driving me nuts.  I thought, there is nothing I can do to change them.  Nothing.  All I can do is work on how they affect me.  Let go let go let go.  Teen all grumpy?  Ok her choice.  I start playing with my sweet dog.  Task lead starts in, I focus on remaining calm and she huffs away to work on someone else because I won't play into her drama.  Win!  Ex, I think about how empty empty empty he is and he is looking for someone to fill him up, to give him some sort of personality.  That's what he does.  Thank God I am no longer tied to him.  I am free from having that be my concern.  Free from that.  He isn't going to change so my view is, it's sad, so very sad but that is his deal to worry about.

Do you have a dog? 

[myself]

   You've been detaching from him for quite awhile. This is one of the bigger steps. Away from him, plus who you were together, and even more towards yourself. Good for you to continue seeing this as a chance for growth. That voice inside, as you know, is not his, it's Yours. When you really tune into it, you'll do what's best for you. Which you're doing now by looking beneath the surface and bettering your life. Sorry you've been disturbed and hurt by this situation. As others have said, I'm also inspired by your openness, determination, and progress! It was what it was, and is what it is. 

[maria1]

Thank you people for your replies and support 

I don't have a dog. I don't have the time or space to look after one properly- one day. I don't feel unsafe right now. The tyre thing is in my head and it could have just been a puncture. I think he is probably given up.

If he hasn't then I will deal with it as it happens and I'm not scared any more.

I had a day yesterday with some people I don't know very well watching some bands at a local festival. The people were pretty messed up all in all and spending time watching bands with people I didn't relate to would have upset me in the past and had me yearning for ex. Watching bands was our thing. It was nice to notice that I didn't wish for even the nice parts of what we had. I'd like to find someone to see bands with who doesn't talk all the way through, act in a way to draw the attention of the band members  , or get drunk or high 

BUT I'd really rather be on my own than with ex. Even at our best it wasn't real. At our best it was the most unreal and there was always a push coming. I remember feeling that now at the nicest times.

Knowing what we know about BPD, can we really keep this person in our lives, in any capacity, without being effected in an adverse way?

No  Took me a while to get there. LC helped me- in between contact I imagine he's not as BPD as he really is. Contact shows me who he is.

Where do we draw the line and decide that putting our needs first, and taking care of ourselves is more important than keeping a "friend"?

I've drawn the line. I can't be around someone who is trying to hurt me. Whether that's because of mental illness or not, I need to look after myself and my kids. He is bringing my kids into it by hanging out in my local neighbourhood. He has a child and I liked to think he didn't use him in the war against his ex wife. He did. He can't help himself. Why should my own children be different (rhetorical question)?

I feel relieved. I feel free.

[Validation78]

Bravo! You've come a long way! Keep it up, stay strong, continue to grow and get healthy!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[maria1]

Thank you Val78

That means a lot. You've helped and supported me without judging throughout this. But you've been real. That's a difficult line to walk and I really appreciate it. You do great work on here.

[Rose Tiger]

It's good to know his game plan after seeing how he tried to game his prior ex.  And then they find a source, a new person to listen to their story of woe.  You know he'll eventually give up and move on.  Might take a little patience as it plays out and he 'pops' up.  There is power in knowledge and not getting sucked back into it.

I went to a concert on Friday night and so enjoyed it.  Nice to not have to worry, how is he feeling, is he mad, bored, blah blah blah?  I didn't for one moment feel that I wished he were with me.  It was fun!

[Changed4safety]

I went to a craft fair and realized that there were eight separate occasions when my ex likely would have ratcheted up to rage.  Instead it was calm and peaceful and I had fun.  Looking forward to sharing my favorite things with someone who won't ruin them for me.   Still not out of the woods yet, but I can see the trees thinning from here.  You go Maria!