I think I want another chance with her but I am not sure? Your opinions?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know what board to post on. I am pretty much conflicted. This isn't about my exBPDgf I normally write about on here. I've processed that now and ok that it is over.

I feel kind of bad at the moment because I was torn between two girls with BPD since last year and today I have been fluctuating having thoughts of missing the other who wasn't my girlfriend. The other girl with diagnosed BPD was the person I really wanted to be with but she was terrified about getting into a relationship so I held back with her meanwhile my BPD gf at the time was pretty much chasing, clinging onto me and wanting my affections. I eventually fell for my exBPDgf and truly love her but it didn't work out. At first it was the other BPD girl that I was trying to get over (at first) while being with my exBPDgf. I told her I wasnt over her then eventually when I fell inlove with my ex she no longer wanted to be with me for reasons. It all sucks. It's a lot of girl drama.

I was seeing the other girl with BPD last year very briefly and then sh#t happened. I'm not exactly an ex. We werent official and not together for very long at all. I said something triggering I think about leaving and then that was it. She may have felt rejected I have no idea. She gave me the silent treament, told me I was too emotional for her and then eventually told me she didn't want to see me in a million years.  She also told me she isn't good at handling relationships.

I miss her. I don't see her as long-term relationship material and I think the excuse in my head at the moment is that I am not looking for anything serious anyway and I miss her company and all the fun we had together so why can't we meet up again etc.


Is it bad to be persistent with reaching out now and again if she continues to ignore me? I havent messaged for a while. My only guess is I've been painted black for a long time but it's hard to say because she unblocked me on facebook but never reached out again/ still ignores me.

What are your thoughts/opinions on being persistent?
Maybe I am just feeling lonely and she just popped in mind. I wish we could catch up. I miss her not exactly knowing what I really want from her except really missing her company.

[Curiously1]

I don't know what board to post on. I am pretty much conflicted. This isn't about my exBPDgf I normally write about on here. I've processed that now and ok that it is over.

I feel kind of bad at the moment because I was torn between two girls with BPD since last year and today I have been fluctuating having thoughts of missing the other who wasn't my girlfriend. The other girl with diagnosed BPD was the person I really wanted to be with but she was terrified about getting into a relationship so I held back with her meanwhile my BPD gf at the time was pretty much chasing, clinging onto me and wanting my affections. I eventually fell for my exBPDgf and truly love her but it didn't work out. At first it was the other BPD girl that I was trying to get over (at first) while being with my exBPDgf. I told her I wasnt over her then eventually when I fell inlove with my ex she no longer wanted to be with me for reasons. It all sucks. It's a lot of girl drama.

I was seeing the other girl with BPD last year very briefly and then sh#t happened. I'm not exactly an ex. We werent official and not together for very long at all. I said something triggering I think about leaving and then that was it. She may have felt rejected I have no idea. She gave me the silent treament, told me I was too emotional for her and then eventually told me she didn't want to see me in a million years.  She also told me she isn't good at handling relationships.

I miss her. I don't see her as long-term relationship material and I think the excuse in my head at the moment is that I am not looking for anything serious anyway and I miss her company and all the fun we had together so why can't we meet up again etc.


Is it bad to be persistent with reaching out now and again if she continues to ignore me? I havent messaged for a while. My only guess is I've been painted black for a long time but it's hard to say because she unblocked me on facebook but never reached out again/ still ignores me.

What are your thoughts/opinions on being persistent?
Maybe I am just feeling lonely and she just popped in mind. I wish we could catch up. I miss her not exactly knowing what I really want from her except really missing her company.

[formflier]

Nothing wrong with reaching out.  I would plan to do something, reach out and ask if she is interested, and do what you planned... .regardless.

That being said, why not go meet someone new?  Perhaps make a goal that I will ask 2 new girls out on a date in the next month.

I would do that regardless of the outcome of reaching out to the girl in the post.

Thoughts?

FF

[Curiously1]

Hi Formflier,

I am not sure what to say. I am thinking of messaging her but wondering when being persistent becomes too much. A message once every 1-2 months etc.  not that I am planning on doing that. Or maybe I will if I still care by then. Last time she stayed silent and that was about 3-4months ago and I guess it wouldnt be so bad if she continues to remain silent if I try again. I want to tell her I miss her but maybe that is too much. Last time we saw each other in person she said she didn't want to see me in a million years but perhaps she doesn't feel that way anymore. Not sure.

I have been going on dates but no spark so far. Some girls have liked me but I just didn't want to continue things. Dating started feeling like a chore and I deleted all my dating apps. I just don't seem to find people I like and kind of given up for now and focusing on my own self and hobbies. It was just today I thought about her again and felt like I really wanted to see her again. Maybe it will subside again but sometimes I just wish things were ok and we could hang out again.

[formflier]

All of this is just my opinion.

Messaging every couple of months seems a bit much.  Nothing wrong with sending her a sentiment, wishing her a New Year and ask her to do something that you are going to do... regardless (don't let her know that).  If she contacts you back... .by all means... .keep it going.  If she decides not to write back... .let it go.

Respect her choices... .there may come a day when you want her to respect yours.

My advice on dating new people stands.  Yep... .sometimes life can seem like a chore.  Other times magic appears.  

Big picture stuff... .don't drop out.  Maybe you redefine "date".  It doesn't have to be dinner and a movie.  Perhaps inviting someone new for a walk... .stop and get a hot chocolate.  Learn something new about them.

Thoughts?

FF

[Curiously1]

I guess you are right. I had a feeling it was a bit much.
There really isn't anyone online that I am interested in right now. I live in a small town too so not many options unfortunately. I've shut if off for a while because it just brings me down as if that's all there is when theres literally many more people out there to meet if I go out more. I am hoping to just meet someone the old fashion way without having to think about it yknow? All my past romantic relationships I have all met online it would be nice to meet someone by another means for a change. My pwBPD still has an active online dating profile too . I am ok with being alone... maybe I'll open up my dating profile again when I'm feeling a bit better about it.

As for my pwBPD love interest... I probably just need to let it completely go. I really dont think she'll reply. I will try texting again though something like...
"Happy New Year  -her name- . Wishing you the very best. I miss you. I am going to -figure out a place- Would you like to come?"
Haha... .thoughts on the message?
thoughts on a place... .?

[formflier]

Less is more... .especially with someone whose emotions are a bit unstable.

"Happy New Year.  I'm heading over to (insert place) on Saturday.  It would mean a lot to me if you would join me.  Best.  Curiously."

If this seems strong then delete the "it would mean a lot" sentence and ask "Want to come?"

You already seemed ok with letting her know that you miss her.  I would be a bit more subtle about it.  That's where the "It would mean a lot to me... ." comes from... .vice saying "I miss you"

Listen... .you obviously want to send it.  Live your life... .send it.  Separate issue how you manage the "anxiety" or "fear" of her not responding.  Or of her responding.

Thoughts?

FF

[Curiously1]

Yes... I can handle it if she does or doesn't respond. I am doing fine. Not sure where to take her at this stage... .but I will go with your advice and mention "it would mean a lot to me" rather than... "I miss you"
Thanks     

[formflier]

 

Let us know what happens... .

FF

[Curiously1]

I really want to spill what exactly happened. I feel like I have a lot to say to her. Like the whole story to her so at least she knows everything from my perspective. Again, it's probably a bit much? Right now I am thinking of it as an alternative way to bring some kind of understanding. But again, maybe it is a bit too much. Outsider looking in it probably look crazy I dont know.

It was either giving her a lengthy story and at least she'll understand right away OR the normal way and briefly send the text we talked about yesterday and then if shes willing I can just eventually tell her in person.

[lovenature]

If you really miss spending time with this girl then it doesn't hurt to get back to doing that as long as it doesn't cause you both stress and pain; look at the overall of the relationship you had with her-does the good significantly outweigh the bad? Is it better to be with her than alone or with other people?

[Curiously1]

It ended really badly but overall it was a fun relationship. I liked going out with her and just spending time. It is probably best to be alone, I am ok with just continuing to do my own thing but I think I'll be happy if we are in good terms and I can see her again if thats possible too.
What do you think about telling her the complete story? I don't know if I am painted black for good and hoping that telling her everything might make a difference. But I dont know if I should send a message about it or ask her out casually and hope that she will not ignore me.

[ACObound]

Love the answers and advice here,  I have found that a simple word change from want to like.  To go from, Anything you want from the store ... .to I am stopping at the store, anything you would like makes a difference.  sounds silly but for some reason it doesn't bring such a heated response.  Haven't a clue otherwise.  Good luck

[formflier]

Listen... .  "BPDish" people are very "in the moment".  It's just the way they process emotions.  No judgment there, but ignore that "fact" at the peril of your r/s.

When "moments" change for them... .their feelings have changed and that tends to color or change the way they look at history.   Another way of saying it, "BPDish" people aren't very good at thinking about history where the "facts" would suggest one type of emotion, when their actual emotions they are feeling right now are very different.

It appears to us "nons" that they have re-written history.

Couple that with a limited ability to empathize with someone else... .especially if they are "feeling" different than the pwBPD.

Think about that for a few minutes.  Re-read it.

So... .what do you think about a plan where you want to go back in history and dredge up lots of your feelings, that are likely to not match up with feelings of the pwBPD?

Thoughts?

FF

[Curiously1]

  formflier

Right. If I keep bringing up the past it might bring up bad feelings or possibly not remember in anyway like I did or how she used to see it. Last time we saw each other she said she didnt want to see me in a million years but perhaps that was a moment thing? What about the whole painting black thing? Not entirely sure if I am completely painted black but last time when I was ignored I assumed that it was because I was still seen in a bad light. Can they have a consistent feeling about disliking you? Right... the limited ability to empathise with somebody else. Me explaining away is forgetting the fact that she has that limited capacity for understanding others emotions. She is more 'in the moment' than I am. It might frustrate her to bring things up. She might rewrite history depending on shes feeling at the moment. Am I on the right track?

[lovenature]

You are on the right track; we can't expect a mentally ill person to function like someone who doesn't have the disorder. If we can't accept the sacrifices we must make to be with someone who has BPD (even with years of therapy there is still sacrifices for their partner), then it is best for both people to not continue the relationship. How things go all depends on their emotion of the moment.

There is no point in trying to talk about the past with a PWBPD because they can cognitively distort reality to the point of believing they saw things that never happened.

[Curiously1]

  lovenature

Thanks. In fact my exBPDgf seems to have forgotten how insistent she thought I was crazy and not good for her when I reached out to her. That was interesting. Basically I told her good luck with her new r/s and so forth and a bit on how our relationship played out and I knew why she hurt me and that I understood it was cos she was hurt etc. and she didn't get defensive or anything and say it was my fault like she used to. I was kind of surprised. She dismissed a huge chunk of what I said though as if what I was speaking about never occurred. What was good to hear though was her telling me she still has happy memories of our relationship.Told me I was hot as well. Nothing much else she said except those two things to say about me. Perhaps she has forgotten or erased her story about me. I don't know but she has kept me as a friend and said that I can still talk to her but not as frequent as before. I've stayed NC with her though and don't really have much more to say to her. If she were to ask me something I'd still reply to her though.She did mention in sometime in the past though that she never split me which was kind of interesting. However it was I who split her. Perhaps another projection thing and not wanting to own the splitting? She used to always say "stop splitting! it's driving me crazy" to me. Something in her head though changed and something perhaps was distorted again to see me in a good light right now. She gaslighted and projected so much near the end of our r/s I really did start to think I was the crazy one. So yeah, maybe shes justified or created another story in her head why I am still to be seen in a good light despite all the stuff everything she said about me in the past.

But that is not the same BPD girl I am mentioning in this post. Haven't reached out to this one yet. I know every BPD is still uniquely different even if they have similar defense mechanisms etc. It's interesting though what you just mentioned. They can even see things that never even occurred? That is like the next level up in crazymaking . But it kind of makes sense combined with how much they seem to lie. It might be a combination of just being used to lying all the time they believe the lies they tell themselves? I dont know if at first they truly know theyre lying and somehow trick their brain or they believe it at the start though. Thoughts? Deep down do they know their lies? I guess their brain is too distorted to ever know?

[Grey Kitty]

Curiously, I'm not quite sure what you are looking for here. This is what you said at the start:

I miss her. I don't see her as long-term relationship material and I think the excuse in my head at the moment is that I am not looking for anything serious anyway and I miss her company and all the fun we had together so why can't we meet up again

And you've posted a LOT that has nothing to do with what you want and is more like "I wonder if she really thinks X about me." Can you get back to what you want?

One premise makes sense--if you aren't ready for an LTR, having fun with somebody outside that pressure sounds good. Can you picture how it would work clearly?

I could see just being friends and hanging out having fun.

I could see being friends with benefits, and having fun (including sex)

I could imagine casual sex without much friendship, except that I think you know this woman too well for that to be an option, so it would have to be FWB, I guess. Nothing you've said makes me think you want casual sex anyways; Consider this a thought experiment rather than a suggestion!

Unfortunately, this woman and you seem to have a history of baggage that makes being friends seem a challenge. And I'd note that pwBPD are indeed hard people to be friends with, almost as hard as they are to be in a LTR with.

Choose for yourself whether you want to put in the effort required to have a friendship with her.

[Curiously1]

  Grey Kitty

Sorry I wasn't clear. I honestly wished it could be more but in reality there's too much baggage and she has intimacy issues I cannot change. Of course I would like to think she thinks well of me so we can reconnect and just hangout and see where it goes again. No I cannot picture how it would work out clearly at all. And for the most part, most people I date don't just want casual sex. I would prefer something more than casual sex but there just hasn't been a spark so far and so I've been putting dating for a long-term relationship off. Dating is hard and there's noone I really like right now.

If she does reply I do see it being more like a FWB thing or just casual sex with no genuine friendship. Recently I've been re-thinking about contacting her. I did want to be in a relationship with her last year but she can't handle relationships like I said.  And you're right, you can't have a real friendship with pwBPD generally. It'd be more one-sided. For the most part I think I was just addicted to her the most. I've weaned of this addiction for ages and it's come up again I guess because when I think of having casual sex I remember that was all she was after it seems and I guess I limit myself to only wanting to see her because of my attraction to her. I don't think I can just have casual sex with anyone. I'm not really into that.

I also make sure to remind myself that both of these BPD women would never be there for me in times of need which is sad but I have accepted. Right now I don't feel like I really care that much either about having or maintaining a friendship with them based on my experience.

[formflier]

  but she can't handle relationships like I said. 

I don't think I can just have casual sex with anyone. I'm not really into that.

 

Ok... .part of what we can do to help is read your posts and "reflect back".

No judgment coming from me about any choices or values... .my only interest is to make sure I have your desires correct.

It appears that you totally understand she can't do a close relationship.   Correct? 

It appears that you are not into casual sex.  I'm not seeing you differentiate casual sex and FWB. 


Are you ok with casual sex?

Are you ok with FWB?

As you evaluate the above questions play out this in your mind.

She contacts you and says "Hey... I miss you.  Want to come over and spend the night."  Or something racier than that.  Basically a booty call.

She contacts you and says "Hey... .I'm going to that festival we have always enjoyed.  Would enjoy your company"    Perhaps later she invites you over for booty call.

Now... .I've been married 22 years... .so I may be defining casual sex and FWB differently that the rest of the crowd.  Feel free to correct me.


FF

[Curiously1]

  FF

Yes correct.
I'm not into just sex with just anyone normally speaking but with her I am comfortable with the idea because I miss seeing her and having her company.
I define casual sex as just sex casually without much of an ongoing or close friendship basically. Also read it can be defined as a 'one night stand.' I probably wouldn't want just a one night stand. That might just bring me back to how I feel right now. Right back to wanting her and missing her. But then I'd have to get over it which Ill be able to do again.
She may not want to hangout as friends that much though. She's distancey and still mysterious to me. She doesn't appear to have many friends.
I remember the couple times she invited me out to house party and other social gatherings where I thought she knew the people there well. The more I chatted to people I realised we were in a room full of strangers and or acquaintances of hers more than close friends who really knew her.
I prefer text message 2. FWB would be so much better but that also involves being an actual friend and actually wanting to do other things like going out somewhere as friends or caring more about each others lives than just meeting at her place for sex.

What I do know about her of course is the double standard. Last time I don't think she liked the idea of me seeing anyone and she can of course see anyone she wants. She didn't literally tell me she was uncomfortable about me seeing other people too but that's the feeling that I get. She doesn't know what she wants and yet she became very cold when I said I was going to leave. Suddenly I didn't exist like she literally pretended I was not in the room with her and that was such a bizarre experience for me. That day when she was doing that I asked her to come have a chat we'll figure things out and she said 'Nu uh, you should know!' and for me to get out of the way as she pushed through me and moved to the back of the house for a smoke. I was confused. She wanted me to read her mind or thought I knew how to deal with her problems. She broke the silent treatment after a week when I mentioned that I was returning some stuff I borrowed from her. At the door I hugged her and apologised that I seemed to have upset her last week and she basically pushed me away and slammed the door. Then she played some loud music and I heard her yelling or screaming maybe crying but it sounded distressing from the inside of the house. I knocked on the door but she told me to  off and she never wants to see me again.

I said I MIGHT leave if she didn't want me around. I remember being honest with her telling her that I couldn't read her mind and had this sense that she would disappear if I opened up to her about wanting more and had to get that off my chest. I remember hoping to hear something like she cared about me and of course not.  That is when she told me she doesn't know what she wants and she cant handle stuff. 'I'm not good at this' She told me I was too emotional too and that's all I really communicated to her. I didn't think I was being emotional and realise now what she probably did was project onto me. I told her she's never emotional and that upset her and she told me that she actually really is emotional and then told me she has BPD and on her medication.
A combination of these things might be why she got triggered and suddenly went cold. It's better she leave me first thing. Maybe she just suddenly decided she didn't like me anymore. The week after I caught her stalking me but she never replied to any of my messages. No point wondering why things ended like this.

[formflier]

FF

Yes correct.
I'm not into just sex with just anyone normally speaking but with her I am comfortable with the idea because I miss seeing her and having her company.
I define casual sex as just sex casually without much of an ongoing or close friendship basically. Also read it can be defined as a 'one night stand.' I probably wouldn't want just a one night stand. That might just bring me back to how I feel right now. Right back to wanting her and missing her. But then I'd have to get over it which Ill be able to do again.
 

Can you see that the two things I have bolded above seem to be in conflict with each other?

I would assume that if you are comfortable with casual sex with her... .that there would be no worry about your feelings associated with that.

Listen:  Totally normal to have conflicted opinions and "values" that seem to be pulling you in different directions, especially when a pwBPD is involved.

My general advice is that the more you can sort out these conflicting ideas so that your actions match up with ideas/values that are not in conflict, the less stress and discomfort there will be in your life.

Sorting out your values, with no action is also valuable.

Right now I would guess that if she called you for a booty call... .you would likely freeze... .and start a bunch of analysis.  IF you sort this out for yourself ahead of time you can be ready to excitedly accept or politely decline such an offer.

Thoughts?

FF

[Curiously1]

   FF


Yeah... it's more like the idea of seeing her in person again I think would help me decide if I really want this for myself or be able to. Like having a feel for it based on how she approaches me. Perhaps I've become too accustomed to adjusting/compromising myself for others preferences and values? If I was truly comfortable with casual sex I would be ok to put aside my feelings. It wouldn't get to me. Naturally it would hurt though to just be pushed away again.

I also get the feeling I'll never hear from her if I don't remind her I exist. She's a gorgeous lady with probably a lot of options most likely. Perhaps I am driven by fear and loneliness.

This BPD girl is my type and noone else seems to come close.  My ex BPD wasn't particularly my type but I eventually fell for her. The problem with my ex is that I let her rush things. At the time I was just being open minded and allowing different types that I wouldn't normally go for to date me. I started doubting myself and my standards since nobody seemed to come along that I liked and so gave everyone a chance. I knew something was wrong/off about how my ex rushing being in a relationship with me but I didn't think it would bring that much issues when things got deep. Just thought 'oh shes just excited' I'd probably feel the same way for the BPD girl I liked from the start if she asked me right away to be her gf. I would have been excited and said yes just like how my ex felt about me.

I am glad I not rushing anything or feel the need to these days to please anyone new when they show interest. I used to have a hard time rejecting people. I don't regret my r/s with my ex though. I learnt a lot of lessons being with her.

No action is also a valuable option, you are right. I could just continue healing and trying to make the right choices for myself and keep moving forward. I could become happy single and being single for a longer period of time should not worry me.

[lovenature]

They can even see things that never even occurred? That is like the next level up in crazymaking . But it kind of makes sense combined with how much they seem to lie. It might be a combination of just being used to lying all the time they believe the lies they tell themselves? I dont know if at first they truly know theyre lying and somehow trick their brain or they believe it at the start though. Thoughts? Deep down do they know their lies? I guess their brain is too distorted to ever know?

It isn't lies to them because their disorder allows them to make up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment; they have a serious mental illness that has defences to protect them from feeling the shame that is at the core of the disorder and the most painful feeling. They are emotionally vulnerable like a child.