The B/U seems to hit our exBPD's later, while we process immediately.

[ShadowIntheNight]

They are predators. They pick "us" for a reason

I know exactly where you are coming from. I want to tell you though that I am of the opinion, that we should AVOID these "us vs. them" kind of statements. They lead us nowhere. They are not Machiavellian predators cunningly planning out their ascent to power. From the research and learning I've done, their emotionally impulsive behavior is beyond their conscious control. Not to go too deep here but I'm going to go pretty deep here. Borderlines might have differing activity in the Amygdala (the emotional center of the brain), which leads them to these intense emotions. The "conscious" and executive function is in the Frontal Cortex of the Brain. Essentially, they literally are NOT consciously doing these things when they are emotionally disregulating. They are not lions stalking their pray man. They're disordered human beings.

I'll take exception to that and say my ex's actions were deliberate and planned. She began searching for my replacement back in May, possibly April of last year and yet she carried on with me as if we were still a couple. I spent the month of May exploring the state's child custody laws and going over the court order her exH's lawyer drafted word for word (a 35 page legal document) making notes and adding things for her to give to her atty so when they went for the final hearing at the end of May she & her kids wouldn't get screwed. As it turned out I was the one who got screwed.

By the middle of June our phone conversations had ended and all I got were texts. By the middle of July I stopped receiving texts. When I confronted her she "was tired" or "busy." For 3 weeks I didn't hear a word from her then on my birthday I received a card from her. In it she writes by hand, "you deserve to be continuously happy." Then there's a type written note filling me in on a few things that have happened and finally she tells me she has been dating men all summer and that she and her kids are "going down a different path now."

9.5 years together Reece. I get a type written note. Not even the courtesy of a phone call. And when I call her to confront her about the note, she sends her phone straight to voicemail. I can't tell you to this minute what caused this. I have a very good idea, but I haven't even heard from the gutless wonder except for her periodic hang up phone calls.

So you can't tell me they don't know what they're doing or that their actions aren't done deliberately. My gf had two months of opportunity to tell me she was going "down a different path." And instead she waits till my birthday so she, in her own words, could be sure I had a birthday card from her. It was her way of saying I'm thinking about you and I hate you. That's not someone with a wounded soul. That's someone who is evil and cruel and enjoys being that way. I also saw her doing it firsthand with her exH thru the years and even with her flame friends, the ones that burnt out in 4-6 months. How do I know it was deliberate? Three little words she would say on a regular basis "I'm going to... ."

And as for that horse crap about it not being conscious, well it's just that. C R A P.

[Blimblam]

Shadow

My ex did some deliberate messed up things to me also.  What I have come to realize is she checked out of the RS before I did but she made sure she had an attachment secure to avoid the abandonment depression of being alone. 

[Reecer1588]

They are predators. They pick "us" for a reason

I know exactly where you are coming from. I want to tell you though that I am of the opinion, that we should AVOID these "us vs. them" kind of statements. They lead us nowhere. They are not Machiavellian predators cunningly planning out their ascent to power. From the research and learning I've done, their emotionally impulsive behavior is beyond their conscious control. Not to go too deep here but I'm going to go pretty deep here. Borderlines might have differing activity in the Amygdala (the emotional center of the brain), which leads them to these intense emotions. The "conscious" and executive function is in the Frontal Cortex of the Brain. Essentially, they literally are NOT consciously doing these things when they are emotionally disregulating. They are not lions stalking their pray man. They're disordered human beings.

I'll take exception to that and say my ex's actions were deliberate and planned. She began searching for my replacement back in May, possibly April of last year and yet she carried on with me as if we were still a couple. I spent the month of May exploring the state's child custody laws and going over the court order her exH's lawyer drafted word for word (a 35 page legal document) making notes and adding things for her to give to her atty so when they went for the final hearing at the end of May she & her kids wouldn't get screwed. As it turned out I was the one who got screwed.

By the middle of June our phone conversations had ended and all I got were texts. By the middle of July I stopped receiving texts. When I confronted her she "was tired" or "busy." For 3 weeks I didn't hear a word from her then on my birthday I received a card from her. In it she writes by hand, "you deserve to be continuously happy." Then there's a type written note filling me in on a few things that have happened and finally she tells me she has been dating men all summer and that she and her kids are "going down a different path now."

9.5 years together Reece. I get a type written note. Not even the courtesy of a phone call. And when I call her to confront her about the note, she sends her phone straight to voicemail. I can't tell you to this minute what caused this. I have a very good idea, but I haven't even heard from the gutless wonder except for her periodic hang up phone calls.

So you can't tell me they don't know what they're doing or that their actions aren't done deliberately. My gf had two months of opportunity to tell me she was going "down a different path." And instead she waits till my birthday so she, in her own words, could be sure I had a birthday card from her. It was her way of saying I'm thinking about you and I hate you. That's not someone with a wounded soul. That's someone who is evil and cruel and enjoys being that way. I also saw her doing it firsthand with her exH thru the years and even with her flame friends, the ones that burnt out in 4-6 months. How do I know it was deliberate? Three little words she would say on a regular basis "I'm going to... ."

And as for that horse crap about it not being conscious, well it's just that. C R A P.

I want to apologize for making any assumptions I should not have made.  I hope you can accept my apology. In a nutshell your experience follows the same path of mine (albeit I can not imagine how hard that must have been for you after nearly a decade, please do not think that I'm trying to say that I understand exactly what you went through). Suffice to say that unlike some others, we did experience the gradual devaluation, time goes on and they become ever more distant, cold, indifferent with us. I mean that is exactly what happened to me. Others have just woken up completely out of the blue and their loved one has hit the road. But you and I bore witness to the devaluation. It wasn't overnight.

Listen, I want to say again my goal was not to say something that enrages, offends, or provokes you or anyone else.

I just want to avoid the 'us vs. them mentality.'  And that's it. Period.

And on the deliberate thing, I want to specify that what I meant was while a borderline is enraged their actions are probably not deliberate. The gradual devaluation that you and I went through WAS deliberate. And they who did it to us knew what they were doing but their moral compass does not point north.

So yeah am I backtracking on what I said? Partly, Yes. I shouldn't have said it. I do not have a fraction of the knowledge on BPD that others have. And my input therefore isn't worth what others' is worth. I know that.

I mean shadow my ex girlfriend got together with a male friend of hers and had him send through a 3rd party number a PORNOGRAPHIC picture of ME to MY MOTHER + threatened my mother 5 days after we stopped talking to each other and went back to school. Literally out of the blue. How Fu**** up is that?

[Infared]

Reecer ... .borderlines pick, or gravitate toward individuals that are open, honest, faithful and maybe needy or have codependent tendencies. I think that describes most of the people who share on this website. You included.

My ex might be evil, she might be mentally ill or she might just be a selfish mean person... .I will never really know or be sure.

One thing I am sure of in my case, she did exceptionally cruel things and enjoyed doing them. I know. I saw the look on her face while she was doing them. She planned them and was enjoying emotionally hurting me. I am sure of that. Not a bit of doubt.

I am not going to sit here and write excuses for her behavior and all her lies. I will not protect her an/or co-sign her actions and words.

I do have empathy for her damage and who she is. I get it.

... .but she definitely knows exactly what she is doing when she is doing it. She was NOT in a trance.

[hurting300]

They are predators. They pick "us" for a reason

I know exactly where you are coming from. I want to tell you though that I am of the opinion, that we should AVOID these "us vs. them" kind of statements. They lead us nowhere. They are not Machiavellian predators cunningly planning out their ascent to power. From the research and learning I've done, their emotionally impulsive behavior is beyond their conscious control. Not to go too deep here but I'm going to go pretty deep here. Borderlines might have differing activity in the Amygdala (the emotional center of the brain), which leads them to these intense emotions. The "conscious" and executive function is in the Frontal Cortex of the Brain. Essentially, they literally are NOT consciously doing these things when they are emotionally disregulating. They are not lions stalking their pray man. They're disordered human beings.

I'll take exception to that and say my ex's actions were deliberate and planned. She began searching for my replacement back in May, possibly April of last year and yet she carried on with me as if we were still a couple. I spent the month of May exploring the state's child custody laws and going over the court order her exH's lawyer drafted word for word (a 35 page legal document) making notes and adding things for her to give to her atty so when they went for the final hearing at the end of May she & her kids wouldn't get screwed. As it turned out I was the one who got screwed.

By the middle of June our phone conversations had ended and all I got were texts. By the middle of July I stopped receiving texts. When I confronted her she "was tired" or "busy." For 3 weeks I didn't hear a word from her then on my birthday I received a card from her. In it she writes by hand, "you deserve to be continuously happy." Then there's a type written note filling me in on a few things that have happened and finally she tells me she has been dating men all summer and that she and her kids are "going down a different path now."

9.5 years together Reece. I get a type written note. Not even the courtesy of a phone call. And when I call her to confront her about the note, she sends her phone straight to voicemail. I can't tell you to this minute what caused this. I have a very good idea, but I haven't even heard from the gutless wonder except for her periodic hang up phone calls.

So you can't tell me they don't know what they're doing or that their actions aren't done deliberately. My gf had two months of opportunity to tell me she was going "down a different path." And instead she waits till my birthday so she, in her own words, could be sure I had a birthday card from her. It was her way of saying I'm thinking about you and I hate you. That's not someone with a wounded soul. That's someone who is evil and cruel and enjoys being that way. I also saw her doing it firsthand with her exH thru the years and even with her flame friends, the ones that burnt out in 4-6 months. How do I know it was deliberate? Three little words she would say on a regular basis "I'm going to... ."

And as for that horse crap about it not being conscious, well it's just that. C R A P.

they know exactly what they are doing. You can NOT use a personality disorder as an insanity defense in a court of law. Why should we give them a pass. It's like saying (oh it's ok that your abusive and a pathological liar because you have BPD) that's victim blaming at its best. I have to take credit for my part and I do. But grown people know not to lie. Grown people know cheating is bad. Enough with this they don't know better bull.

[Turkish]

Folks, the theme of this thread is about the differences in the way nons and pwBPD process or grieve the end of our relationships. Please try to stay on topic given the subject of the thread, or feel free to start new topics about specific things in your relationships not related to the original post and its general discussion.

[Blimblam]

Over the course of my Rs with my ex little bits and pieces of her past rss and just general pain would arise she would be trying to make sense of her life and that put me in a tremendous position of power over her at the time.  It was as if she never dealt with any of it and it was following her around she would come sort of temporary resolution that seemed like closure to her.  She had split her exs white again although she didn't really have an interest in getting back in touch with them it's just she had someone new split black and visibly suffering and that allowed her to resolve that past stuff sort of but I don't think really it was just the person split back and suffering was containing that pain for her.  Which was her dad.

I've seen members come on here very upset and hurting then find a new relationship make posts how they are happy again and dissapear. 

I've also seen members in a short period start dating again and claim they feel better then find they are shortly after having issues being able to attach and just playing the field so to speak. 

So it's common for people to avoid grieving to completion by jumping into a relationship or even work or school or drugs to keep from dealing with the pain. The people I know that do the latter typically become kind of a-holes that have contempt for some "specific," class or group of people that they use to split and project their pain into.

[apollotech]

Shadow

My ex did some deliberate messed up things to me also.  What I have come to realize is she checked out of the RS before I did but she made sure she had an attachment secure to avoid the abandonment depression of being alone. 

Not predatory behavior? Get your head out of the sand (Not directed at you Blim, just used your material to make my point.). Referred to in the mental health field, in non professional vernacular, as "emotional vampires." Not predatory? Moving from one "supply" to another in succession. Not predatory? Needing said "supply" to survive. Not predatory? Whether they are in control of their behavior or not, it is predatory behavior. There is nothing demeaning about it; they are not being called an animal. "Predatory" is a descriptive and accurate way to categorize/assess said behaviors.

My BPFexgf is a person, a person that I love and care about. A person that I only want the best for. A person that I pray for. Her life is a wreck because of BPD. She didn't ask for that, and she doesn't deserve that. A failure on my part to not recognize, understand, and accept her BPD behavior as predatory only sets me up to find myself, once again, in my current situation.


Turkish,

I did not see your post until after I posted. You are correct; please delete my post if possible.