Update + Question about Trauma

[Reecer1588]

Update

Hey guys: First I want to update all of those who have been following my progress. Mainly I want to document it for my own sake; I find keeping things orderly and chronological is useful for me, that's just the way I work. Today has been 7.5 weeks of NC with my uBPDexgf. I had an interesting discussion with a member of the boards last night, talking about how really I shouldn't look at her not contacting me as "deafening silence" but for what it is, and this makes a lot more sense anyways. For those of you who do not know, a few weeks ago I was contacted yet again by the detective at her college, he told me that he was just one step away from filing harassment charges against me with the county prosecutor. He told me that she told him that "She doesn't want to file charges on you, she just wants you to LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!" Later that day I called him back, started politely telling him my side of the story, including how after I got back to college she used a 3rd party number (a friends', a real scumbag kind of guy, I know which person it was), l was sent blackmail and my mother was sent a pornographic image of me. After some conversation he just told me "that if she's been wasting their time she'll get in trouble." The next day I got another e-mail from him "I have informed ms. X to in no way contact you, not even accidentally. I am not spending more time on this case. It seems you have no intent to harm."

The member I discussed this told me that "She must have reacted strongly to the fact that she had basically thought that the cops were on her side but then so quickly they weren't" He went on to say "Like a pitbull that's been threatened, she's backing off, but it doesn't mean in the future she won't come back. Borderlines do seem to stop when threatened with legal action."

Basically, it's probably quite simple why I haven't heard a peep from my ex. She probably is scared, for now. Kind of makes me laugh that she thought she really had the cops on her side but it only took me one day to shut that down.

Here's where I am

I do want to hear from my ex girlfriend. I want her to contact me. Period. End of story. I do not deny how I feel about this. I do not want to disrespect anyone here that believes I shouldn't want this. I hope y'all respect my candidness about this. I understand that I have zero control over what she does. I will under no circumstances EVER contact her first.

Thread topic Skip to here to get to the thread's topic

No doubt we have all have undergone serious trauma here. I am working with this assumption. If it's a false assumption for YOU (whoever is reading this) that that's OK.

Basically I have heard people told me sparsely that "You know that overwhelming emotion you felt when everything was going to hell in a handbasket? Well congratulations Reece, you've temporarily felt what a Borderline feels all the time." "You got a window into what it is like when they are having an episode/are triggered?"

I won't name any names of those who told me that wisdom. Just suffice to say that multiple people have told me that.

So here's what I want to know, is there something to this? Do we temporarily feel like what it's really like to have BPD when we're going through the worst of the trauma?

Or even when we are going through the trauma, is it still something very different from what they (the Borderline) is experiencing when they're triggered?\


Thanks,


Reece

[hurting300]

Reece... .My Ex ran away with our baby while I was at work. We text and talked all day as if nothing was wrong. We even had sex before she disappeared. She DUMPED ME... then stalked me. See how disordered it is? You will for sure find some patterns to the behaviors. But no it's different with them. They are never happy. Not even when they laugh.

[Reecer1588]

Reece... .My Ex ran away with our baby while I was at work. We text and talked all day as if nothing was wrong. We even had sex before she disappeared. She DUMPED ME... then stalked me. See how disordered it is? You will for sure find some patterns to the behaviors. But no it's different with them. They are never happy. Not even when they laugh.

I understand where you're coming from. This really has more to do with trying to find empathy for them and getting over my rage/hate. If I can understand that how I felt the first few weeks is how my ex feels all the time (or at least when something triggers here) than I can sort of/kind of find empathy.

I hope that makes sense.

Obviously at 19 I did not have the whole kid thing. But my ex dumped my ass then for a while yes hardcore stalked me. The stalking behavior has stopped now though, like I said probably because she thought she had the cops on her side but probably got a big shock when she got the e-mail saying "We're done with this" ( I have no idea what e-mail the detective sent to her, but even if it were a carbon copy of what he sent me, and in all reality it might have been harsher, I promise you it made her rage)

[fromheeltoheal]

So here's what I want to know, is there something to this? Do we temporarily feel like what it's really like to have BPD when we're going through the worst of the trauma?

Or even when we are going through the trauma, is it still something very different from what they (the Borderline) is experiencing when they're triggered?\

It's common to adopt some BPD traits when we're enmeshed with someone with the disorder, and they're on a continuum anyway, but feel what it's like to have the disorder?  I don't think so, not all the way.  Feeling intensely strong emotions that are overwhelming yes, but not the constant fear of abandonment and emptiness.  My ex was addicted to chaos, there was always some intense drama going on, which was an outward manifestation of what was going on inside, yes, but it also made her feel alive; she couldn't do alone and quiet well at all, felt she would disappear entirely.  I found it exhausting but she's had a lifetime to acclimate to it.  Too much for me man, can you say incompatible?

It's very difficult to experience anyone else's reality, borderline or not, but it's fascinating to learn the clinical side of the disorder, and it takes a while to get your head around it and begin to imagine what it would be like to live in that reality.  But the overwhelming emotions part?  Yes, we can and do go there.

[StillAlive]

Basically I have heard people told me sparsely that "You know that overwhelming emotion you felt when everything was going to hell in a handbasket? Well congratulations Reece, you've temporarily felt what a Borderline feels all the time." "You got a window into what it is like when they are having an episode/are triggered?"

I won't name any names of those who told me that wisdom. Just suffice to say that multiple people have told me that.

I'm honestly sorry that multiple people have told you that. Words like empathy and sympathy have actual meaning behind them. Academic researchers and clinicians alike may define these words while quantifying how much of it may exist in particular cirumstances. (Think about how a clinician may conduct an evaluation involving a survey to gauge the emotions and behaviors of a patient.) Feeling what other people may feel is called sympathy. Empathy is reaching within yourself to understand what things might be like for somebody else. Emotional volatility, pain, and trauma is NOT empathy by any widely recognized definition. Sympathy is the anti-thesis of empathy, which is exactly why BPD is strongly associated with attributes like instability, insecurity, and lack of empathy for others - they feel their own emotions so intensely and to the exclusion of all else.

But you, on the other hand, can process your experiences in a way which is helping you gain some insight into the life of somebody else. You can continue to utilize that knowledge in a myriad of ways... .Perhaps some people have used their experiences to recognize their presence alone brought a BPD loved one back to a place of vulnerability and pain, therefore maintaining zero contact might be beneficial for everyone. What sort of lessons are you able to take away by placing yourself in her shoes? Perhaps there are other ways to distance yourself from these past ordeals and that hate you've felt?

All that I ask is you please take a moment to carefully consider a polite reminder: Triggers do not describe an encounter, a violent outburst, an illegal act, or rage being directed your way. www.psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-a-trigger/0001414

I ask that you take a moment to look after yourself should you ever be on the receiving end of mistreatment. Working on gaining more sympathy... .Should never be used as an excuse to tolerate an inability to look after your own welfare. You don't need to tell me who exactly told you these words in the past. But I've certainly drawn my own distinctions and they're all based on those who are made fun of on the internet whenever anonymous people mention 'triggering intensifies'. That last bit might sound harsh, and I apologize for highlighting how certain characters are regarded by many, but I urge you to not rationalize away an unacceptable thing.

[jhkbuzz]

So here's what I want to know, is there something to this? Do we temporarily feel like what it's really like to have BPD when we're going through the worst of the trauma?  Or even when we are going through the trauma, is it still something very different from what they (the Borderline) is experiencing when they're triggered?

I've often thought about the fact that I was completely emotionally dysregulated in the month and a half before she moved out (when she finally admitted to an affair). I went completely off the deep end - the pain was incredibly intense. I developed PTSD; horribly intrusive images popped into my head, unbidden; I swung wildly between my love for her and my absolute disgust towards her. Triggers were everywhere; her presence was a trigger; men around the age of her affair partner were a trigger; songs were a trigger; anything on TV or radio that mentioned romance OR infidelity was a trigger. When I finally allowed her back in our bed I discovered her nakedness was a trigger; one minute I wanted her and the next I knew I'd never touch her again.  It was BRUTAL. I have never, ever experienced anything like it in my life - my emotions were completely beyond my control.

I've often thought that my singular experience of emotional dysregulation ^^ is very much the way she lives her life.

Here's the connecting thread between us; my r/s with my ex was deeply traumatizing; the affair was the final nail in the coffin of four years of emotional abuse. Her life, from the time she was a very little person, was deeply traumatizing and filled with emotional abuse and neglect. We both experienced PTSD; we both have triggers, we've both had to deal with intensely negative emotional experiences.

But in answer to your question: I don't think I could ever "replicate" the experience of BPD; after all, I have a strong sense of myself and strong core values (which, thankfully, kept me from acting in ways that I would have later regretted).  But this one analogous experience of emotional dysregulation made me thankful that I will never experience the disorder - it was, unequivocally, the worst experience of my life.