i had a lot of the same questions... .i think good questions can inform and aid our recovery.
Does it matter if she has a clinical diagnosis or is someone who I consider toxic just as challenging as having a formal diagnosis.
for perspective on this, most of our ex partners would not reach the threshold for diagnosis (very complicated process), but have traits of the disorder, even significant ones, and just a splash of BPD can make for a great deal of turmoil.
if you look above, and click "Diagnosis + Treatment", theres a lot of very good information id encourage you to read through. theres also good stuff in our Psychology Questions and Answers board.
whether our ex partners had traits of the disorder, would reach a threshold of diagnosis, those traits and common behaviors can answer a lot of questions regarding "what happened", if we use the label responsibly. for instance, you mention lying. lots of people lie, but there are different motivations for lying. when it comes to BPD for example, shame is a core underlying factor of the disorder... .shame, extreme eagerness to please and be accepted, impulsivity, these can strongly motivate a person to lie.
Will she change? Who will she end up with, or rather will she do the same thing to the next guy?
this is a common question, one that i had, and the answer is a complex one.
all of us change, and are different people, to various degrees, from relationship to relationship. all of us learn some lessons, some good ones, some bad ones. all of us carry some bad habits and baggage, coping mechanisms, some mature and immature, ways of communicating, some helpful and not helpful, into our next relationships. ideally, we all do a little better each time, though not always. if relationships are an interaction between two people, it stands to reason that if you change the equation the relationship will be "different". how, to what extent, no one can say. people with BPD traits are no different in this regard, they just share some common, and often heavy baggage.
i find that often times at the heart of the question (and certainly as it applied to me) is a fear that we werent significant or special, or that we were entirely to blame for the relationship woes and struggles. all of this is far more complex, and it will take some time and healing to sort it out; youll get there, and asking questions will help.
another is often a fear that our partners will succeed, and that that means we will fail, or have failed. if we think about it, one doesnt really have anything to do with the other.
Will she "charm" me, again?
charming is really about post breakup contact that can be confusing and emotional; the internet is full of urban legends and misinformation about this.
sometimes, when both partners arent done with the relationship, they recycle (get back together), and there are a host of reasons why this happens, on our end, and our ex partners. one or two recycles, or make up/break ups are very common, around 60% of all relationships do. multiple breakup/make up cycles damage the relationship more each time. trust diminishes.
more information on charming and relationship recycling here:
goo.gl/WNmHWhits difficult to say whether she will contact you again or not. its pretty common when a relationship ends on a bad note and one or both parties have unresolved feelings. she has done it in the past.
if you want to reconcile the relationship, or think theres even a 5% chance of it happening, id encourage you to post on the Bettering board and learn the skills and tools, make a plan. i can move your post there if youd like.
I am still free from drugs and alcohol for 15 months now, have great friends and family and travel the world helping patients with cancer therapies, so I am happy with my life and what adversity has taught me, but this just eats away at me so bad that I get physically ill when I see her on social media and struggle to not reach out to her and to try and make sense of this.
i know some of my answers here have been a little academic, and i know theres real pain and confusion here. we understand, have been there, and others are currently there. getting healthy and emotionally centered is a huge achievement, and will go a long way in your recovery. likewise, youve found a community that can be a big part of your support group, and help you in the answers and closure that you seek, and if you stick around, you can learn some lessons and skills here that will be with you for the rest of your life.