I want to leave my marriage, but...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am terribly afraid about how joint custody will affect my child. I keep thinking that I need to stay in this abusive relationship in order to protect my child, but every day it gets harder and harder to take the abuse.

Any suggestions?

[Hgl]

I am terribly afraid about how joint custody will affect my child. I keep thinking that I need to stay in this abusive relationship in order to protect my child, but every day it gets harder and harder to take the abuse.

Any suggestions?

[Mutt]

Hi Hgl,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. Many of us here can relate you, I can relate with staying in my marriage because I could shield the kids from mom's abuse but the rages and the constant negativity was taking it's toll on my health, I was in it every day and it wasn't until I was out of it that I could see how anxious I was, I'm pretty sure that I have PTSD because of her.

That being said, I was just getting tired of mom attacked dad in front of the kids, I had told her how I felt about it and she would just escalate because knew that I didn't like it. I didn't see it at the time, there was a lot of fog, I had to deal her emotional uproars and whatever drama, it was always some drama or the other, I saw that I could do more with the kids, protect and nurture them more in an environment that was the opposite of a chaotic one at home, one that is tranquil, with stability and routine.

I can't tell you what to do, I'm pretty sure that others here will say the same thing, you have a right to be happy and you can do more for your kids outside of the marriage that in a r/s with an erratic partner that is not interested in repairing r/s's.

[lpheal]

I just want to share that I am struggling with the exact same question, I have an almost 3 yr old whom I worry about more than anything else. I have started spending more time on this board, as I now know I need to leave (and this opinion was also just given to me by a counselor). As the counselor explained if I stay in the relationship my child will look back and see a father who was passive and allowed abuse to occur. By leaving and creating a separate environment (even if part time) they will experience a competing model of stability and consistency in their life. My wife just might improve her behavior as well, if I am no longer around to "enable" it.

Now it's just a matter of how and when. I've gotten so much information on this website helping me through the first part of this I expect in time I will find answers to the next part as well.

[DaddyBear77]

Dad to a 3 year old here - I'm still married but I'm also very worried what happens after the split if that's how it goes - your question / post completely resonates with me and my situation too.

I posted a few days ago asking about the best scenario for custody after the divorce. It's in the "Co Parenting" board. I got some really great advice there. Really worth checking out as you try and find your own path.

Welcome to the bpdfamily!

DB

[Mutt]

It's in the "Co Parenting" board. I got some really great advice there. Really worth checking out as you try and find your own path.

No kidding that's a good thread   Here's DaddyBear77's thread it's worth a read: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=306434.0

[ForeverDad]

The problem with staying in a marriage that is dysfunctional, unhealthy and the other spouse is not making any substantive improvements in the relationship is that the children grow up not experiencing what a normal childhood and loving home environment can be.  Even if they as children decide they want a happier adulthood, there's real risk they will end up choosing someone like mom or dad.  Do you want them to marry an appeaser, an enabler?  Or marry a controller, an emotional dictator?  Neither extreme is a good choice.  So then, how can you gift them a more balanced childhood?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

Yes, this is the exact opposite of what you wanted, to hold the marriage together at all costs.  Fact is, the only way to do that is to be compliant, appeasing, enabling of the demanding spouse.  And that's not a good example for the children, the cost is too great.  Yes, we don't want to dash our dreams and hopes but we do need to face the reality.  We can do only so much before we have to admit it just isn't working.

Exiting an oppressive marriage is a horrendous ordeal but afterward the sun shines again.