7 year old daughter with borderline personality disorder

[carpuser]

Does anyone have experience from raising a young child with BPD type problems? Do you have any wisdom or experience to share? Can you recommend any good books or resources?

Yes I know it’s too early to give a 7 year old this diagnosis, but I also know that if I am to help my daughter, now is the time. Once she is old enough to be diagnosed it will be too late!

Some background. My daughter’s mom, (my x wife) is a clear-cut BPD sufferer, as is my X’s mother, and late grandmother. None of them are diagnosed or have ever sought help (as with most BPD-sufferers), but after reading extensively about BPD there is no doubt in my mind that my x has borderline. Examples of symptoms are her strong irrational feelings, and rapid changes in emotional state. Switching between idolizing me and hating me. Lack of empathy, both in the sence of not genuinely caring about others, but in particular in the sense of not being able to see the perspective of others, which leads to her miss-interpreting the intentions of people around her. Add to this, less formal criteria such as both our children being “unplanned” pregnancies, a jawdropping ability to manipulate people around her to do her bidding, living a life as a “professional victim”, etc.

As an infant my daughter would throw tantrums at the slightest sign of us saying “no” or “please don’t”. Undoubtedly many normal kids do this as well, but the level of rage and stubbornness was higher and really took a toll on everyone around her. Fortunately after age 4 or so things got better and she is now quite normal in her interactions with me. She however misinterprets her classmates in school thinking that they do not like her or don’t want to play with her etc. Again, all children (and adults  ) do this, but the level at which my daughter does it is higher than normal.

So far I’ve made every effort to have my daughter surrounded by people that are calm, secure, loving and supportive. I believe this had really paid off. However, I can also see that when she is put in a different environment, such as when visiting her mom’s family, her emotional state and behavior can deteriorate so that there is constant conflict.

So, my question is…What can I do further to help my daughter to not misinterpret others, and  to feel more secure in herself, etc? In short, to live happier, with less impact from here genetic luggage.

Any input is appreciated
Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[473harman]

Hi carpuser,
 
First - kudos to  you for trying to help your daughter. I'm no expert, but this is what I do know. My 16 dd (our oldest) has borderline (diagnosed). Around the time she was officially diagnosed and she was in residential for proper treatment, we started examining the behavior of our youngest (7 dd). At first we thought she was just spoiled (being the youngest of 5). She is emotionally reactive, emotionally sensitive and slow to baseline. So while she doesn't have a borderline diagnosis, she has the attributes that are often attributed to BPD. She too, will think her friends in school are looking at her or don't like her. She, like my older daughter, was a perfect student and I never had any kind of complaint.

We started taking my 7 year old to see a BPD therapist and working on a lot of the same things we worked on with my older daughter when she was in a BPD facility but at a 7 year old level. Some of the things I've learned:

Validate - their feelings - however insignificant - need to be recognized - but not if they are totally not accurate

Having her recognize that her feelings are passing - they come and go

Have a safe place for her to express her feelings / having a box with sensory stuff helps a lot - stress balls, nice scents, crayons a coloring book. Google water sensory bottles - those are fun to make and can help when emotions are starting to get high

Find a safe space for her to go when her feelings are out of control

Read up on BPD in adolescents. Blaise Aguirre has a great book. I hope this helps and remember to be good to yourself.

[livednlearned]

Excellent reading suggestions and using validation as a skill from 473harman 

My son exhibited traits as well when he was younger (BPD lineage, similar in ways to what you describe), altho he internalizes and a lot of his turmoil presented as somatic complaints (that were real to him).

I read The Highly Sensitive Child and a lot of the criteria applied to S15 as a younger child. The author recommends validation as a key skill. I suspect kids with BPD tendencies may have sensory defensiveness, and if it is swept aside, it can trigger more serious BPD traits. Loud noises, bright lights, food textures, rough clothing, too much stimulation, etc.

Validation is not as easy as I thought after first reading about it, i had to keep going back and really deepen my understanding, plus practice practice practice. Power of Validation (for parents) is a helpful book, and probably my favorite is validating questions as described by I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms.

It can be too easy to validate and forget about accountability and reality   so validation questions are good if you are trying to introduce those qualities during early parenting.

With S15, I also did what 473harman suggests, to point out feeling states and note when strong ones had passed and things were better. Basically, using positive shaping/reinforcement to acknowledge his adequacy when it came to handling strong feelings.

If you can introduce her to mindfulness practices for kids, that could really help too. By the time I realized its effectiveness for myself and that it was a key component in DBT, S15 was too independent and dismisses it out of hand. I recommend other relaxation techniques and he insists he is too toxic  

How much time does your D7 spend with her mom?

[carpuser]

WOW! - Thank you 473harman and livednlearned for your replies. That was exactly the kind of info I was looking for!

Livedandlearned. The book you recomended, is that the one by Elain N. Aron? Just want to make sure I get the right one... .
As for your question, D7 spends half her time with her mom and half with me. D7s mom is not a trainwreck looking from the outside, no addiction or similar. However, she actively plays the victim trying to solicit sympathy from D7 by using sobstories, saying how mom loves dad but he doesn't love mom back, and similar. Always using the kids to try to affect/manipulate me, which makes them confused when they always hear 2 opposing stories.  This obviously creates insecurity, and D7s teacher has pointed out that D7 has a serious self-esteem issue.

473harman. I will get the book by Blaise Aguirre. Also saw she has an audiobook on Mindfulness for BPDs, available both as CD and in the Audiable-app.

[livednlearned]

The thing that really throws our kids is having a parent who engages in role reversal, expecting the child to meet their emotional needs instead of vice versa. BPD parents have bottomless needs for validation and reassurance, and the kids become a source of supply, slowing becoming invalidated and, if they are genetically disposed, learning that their feelings are not relevant nor even real, increasing the odds of developing BPD.

That's why validation is so important, to provide release to intense feeling states that they learn (to their detriment) are wrong, or insignificant. We counter that trend by acknowledging the very real nature of their feelings, which helps them to individuate and develop a sense of self separate from their BPD parent.

If your daughter brings things to you, like "Mom says you don't love her back." Try to engage her feeling state. Take a beat and try to empathize with how that must feel, and then validate her, "Honey, that would make me sad if one of my parents said that to me." Then something like, "How did it make you feel when mom said that?" Or, "Are you sad that mom said that?"

It's tough to do when the topic is about you. Though, more often than not, with kids, the topic is not about you, even if you are implicated in the comment.

"Mom says you don't love her back" means "Mom says you don't love me."

Everything is about the feelings that are masked in the rhetoric.

This is the Power of Validation I read (and I see that Shari Manning is a co-author, who wrote Loving Someone with BPD, another helpful book):

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005ZE5AYM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

You can also find some good videos featuring Blaise Aguirre on Youtube -- he seems like a very kind and empathetic man who has done a lot of research and clinical work with young BPD sufferers.

 

LnL

[carpuser]

Hi
My daughter is now 13 and a year ago interrupted living with me every 2 weeks, and moved to her mum's full time and cut off most contact with me (this happened after I had hindered her from being out all night after midnight during the week she stayed with her mum).
The mum does not impose ANY limits, and also is often working night shifts which leaves my daughter home alone.
My daughter stays out late at night, self harms (cuts herself) and started keeping bad company.
Her psychologist was very worried about her wellbeing before my daughter cut off ties with her.

When I asked the social worker and the psychologists 6 months ago how I should act, they advised me to take a step back and "give my daughter some time/space. Since then things have gotten worse, with the self harm and aggression (spitting her sister in the face several times, acting out).

The psychiatrist that recently started seeing my daughter almost cries when talking about my daughter, and mentions personality disorder and the possibility of foster home.

The way I see it , there is zero adult supervision/influence while at her mums, and it's just a matter of time until my daughter puts herself in harms way by being in the wrong place/with wrong people.

What are your thoughts on what I should do? Keep on letting things take it's course while she lives with her mum without any limits, or should I try to act to take control (somehow, for example apply for single custody) and then take away her phone and make her be home when she is not in school / move to another town?

Co-operation with the mum is a non-starter as she does nothing else than undermine whatever initiative I take, and has never been able to take responsibility or do anything that is difficult or takes effort.

I'm grateful for any opinions
Thank you

[Turkish]

The video in Reply #1 might be helpful.

DIAGNOSIS: Middle School/High School Diagnosis

Tell us what you think.

Blaise Aguirre received his medical degree from the University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa. He completed the residency program in psychiatry at Boston University and a fellowship in child and adolescent psychiatry at the Boston Medical Center.  Dr. Aguirre is experienced in child, adolescent and adult psychopharmacology and psychotherapy, including DBT. He holds an appointment as an Instructor in Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Aguirre also has a small private practice where he specializes in adolescent and adult psychotherapy of Borderline Personality Disorder.

[livednlearned]

What are your thoughts on what I should do? Keep on letting things take it's course while she lives with her mum without any limits, or should I try to act to take control (somehow, for example apply for single custody) and then take away her phone and make her be home when she is not in school / move to another town?

There may be some work to do before making any decisions. One is to learn everything you can about BPD in adolescence (Turkish's link to Aguirre is excellent. Aguirre is one of the world's leading experts on BPD in teens). If there is an NEA-BPD Family Connections group nearby, you'll meet other family members going through something similar. I attended one, and even though I kind of understood BPD, I still learned a lot.

The other bit of work is consulting with attorneys and piecing together that information together with what you know about BPD so you have a picture about what legal action would get you.

My H has a BPD ex-wife. It was hard for me to watch him give her so much leeway, but he felt certain that attempting to get control of the kids is how he would lose them completely.

Every situation is different and there are no right answers.

What was your relationship with D13 like before she moved in full-time with her mom? What does she do when you attempt to make contact with her?