what are the odds I seem to connect with someone like that again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,

Just wanted to get something off my chest and give you guys an update. I seem to be stuck.

For those who do not know my story: I had a good female friend and we had an emotional connection. But after about 2,5 years things went haywire.

I try to pick up my life, but I just seem stuck more often than not.

When I messaged her good luck with a national sports event in which she partakes, she all of a sudden seemed her old self again. Spontaneous and giving way too much info. Please note that I did not ask her anything... .I just wished her good luck.
But when I followed up on that and asked her how things were in general, she just did not reply anymore.

I still do not understand that. And I miss the old days. Especially now that I am changing jobs, I would really like someone to discuss this with. I miss her wishing me good health every single time I was ill. I just miss those simple things... .

A reply from her which sounds 'normal' again somehow makes me think we could still go back to that. But I just have absolutely no clue how... .

So... take the approach of finding someone else. Oh well... .I am not the hunter kind. I lay low and I prefer it that way. So a while ago I met this pretty girl, who was fun to be around with. We texted somewhat and I was happy to have found someone nice again. Not necessarily for a relationship, so no flirting whatsoever from my side... .
One moment, I gave her quite a simple compliment and her reply somewhat triggered me... .
She told me 'this means the world to me' and I basically thought that was quite the exaggeration... .
Could be a little flirtatious from her side, but then... .she already has a boyfriend and they seem to be doing fine together.

I didn't call her out on her reply and remained very positive, but to me this was a HUGE red flag. I didn't contact her anymore and I find myself feeling a little down and depressed: what are the odds I seem to connect with someone like that again... .(and this time the warning sign is right there at the start)

And that makes me think about my female friend even more... .

[EdR]

Hi there,

Just wanted to get something off my chest and give you guys an update. I seem to be stuck.

For those who do not know my story: I had a good female friend and we had an emotional connection. But after about 2,5 years things went haywire.

I try to pick up my life, but I just seem stuck more often than not.

When I messaged her good luck with a national sports event in which she partakes, she all of a sudden seemed her old self again. Spontaneous and giving way too much info. Please note that I did not ask her anything... .I just wished her good luck.
But when I followed up on that and asked her how things were in general, she just did not reply anymore.

I still do not understand that. And I miss the old days. Especially now that I am changing jobs, I would really like someone to discuss this with. I miss her wishing me good health every single time I was ill. I just miss those simple things... .

A reply from her which sounds 'normal' again somehow makes me think we could still go back to that. But I just have absolutely no clue how... .

So... take the approach of finding someone else. Oh well... .I am not the hunter kind. I lay low and I prefer it that way. So a while ago I met this pretty girl, who was fun to be around with. We texted somewhat and I was happy to have found someone nice again. Not necessarily for a relationship, so no flirting whatsoever from my side... .
One moment, I gave her quite a simple compliment and her reply somewhat triggered me... .
She told me 'this means the world to me' and I basically thought that was quite the exaggeration... .
Could be a little flirtatious from her side, but then... .she already has a boyfriend and they seem to be doing fine together.

I didn't call her out on her reply and remained very positive, but to me this was a HUGE red flag. I didn't contact her anymore and I find myself feeling a little down and depressed: what are the odds I seem to connect with someone like that again... .(and this time the warning sign is right there at the start)

And that makes me think about my female friend even more... .

[once removed]

When I messaged her good luck with a national sports event in which she partakes, she all of a sudden seemed her old self again. Spontaneous and giving way too much info. Please note that I did not ask her anything... .I just wished her good luck.
But when I followed up on that and asked her how things were in general, she just did not reply anymore.

would you describe her as introverted? sometimes introverts will talk all day about things theyre passionate about, but engage less on the general stuff. if someone asks me "how are things", "how ya been", "whatcha been up to", that sort of thing, i struggle to say anything meaningful. mention something im passionate about, and i can go at length. 

She told me 'this means the world to me' and I basically thought that was quite the exaggeration... .
... .
I didn't call her out on her reply and remained very positive, but to me this was a HUGE red flag.

really? i hear that expression pretty often if i give someone a compliment. ive said it myself. perhaps she just really appreciated the compliment?

[EdR]

would you describe her as introverted? sometimes introverts will talk all day about things theyre passionate about, but engage less on the general stuff. if someone asks me "how are things", "how ya been", "whatcha been up to", that sort of thing, i struggle to say anything meaningful. mention something im passionate about, and i can go at length. 

really? i hear that expression pretty often if i give someone a compliment. ive said it myself. perhaps she just really appreciated the compliment?

Yeah, you could call all these women in my life 'introverts kind of trying hard to be extravert in some way to fit in an extravert social group'.

Well... .I just felt it was really an exaggeration based on several factors... .But maybe I have become overly sensitive? I don't know anymore tbh.

[gotbushels]

Hi EdR   

Well... .I just felt it was really an exaggeration based on several factors ... .

Well, why is it a red flag for you? 

[EdR]

Hi EdR   Well, why is it a red flag for you? 

Hi gotbushels,

Again, it could be that I have become too sensitive, but I thought it was really an exaggeration based on:
-) the compliment was not even that interesting
-) she hardly knew me back then. So I would say that normally even further downplays an already low profile compliment

I guess it feels like a red flag, because it feels unnatural to me. It feels like a way too early idealisation of me (and my words). And that gets to me a little... .

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I guess it feels like a red flag, because it feels unnatural to me. It feels like a way too early idealisation of me (and my words).

I'm glad you have a strong sense of self-esteem. Do you think there is a chance that her response meant absolutely nothing to her and she was just giving you a generic response for whatever reason?

[heartandwhole]

Hi EdR,

I can understand your question. It’s something that still pops into my head from time to time.

I think it’s normal to feel a bit on guard and/or sensitive after this kind of breakup. I was definitely overly sensitive, and it took a while to get back into balance. It did pass.

Another thing: changing jobs, even to something better, is a big life change. At those times we can easily start thinking about our exes and feel urges to reach out, or fantasize about what might have been. Stressful times can send us back to the familiar.

I recommend trying not to read too much into people’s behavior right now, as your antennae may be slightly skewed.  . Be gentle with yourself and know that this kind of thinking and feeling will pass.

Do you have some longtime friends you can hang out with—people who know you and each other well?

heartandwhole

[EdR]

Hi EdR,

I can understand your question. It’s something that still pops into my head from time to time.

I think it’s normal to feel a bit on guard and/or sensitive after this kind of breakup. I was definitely overly sensitive, and it took a while to get back into balance. It did pass.

Another thing: changing jobs, even to something better, is a big life change. At those times we can easily start thinking about our exes and feel urges to reach out, or fantasize about what might have been. Stressful times can send us back to the familiar.

I recommend trying not to read too much into people’s behavior right now, as your antennae may be slightly skewed.  . Be gentle with yourself and know that this kind of thinking and feeling will pass.

Do you have some longtime friends you can hang out with—people who know you and each other well?

heartandwhole

Thank you for your kind words.

I think that's part of the problem (which I mentioned before in other threads). I am at an age which is a little problematic. The really youthful days are over, but I am not old yet (still below 35 years... just to give not too many details). I am stuck in between so to say.

But my friends of old have slowly drifted away. Which is absolutely logical. But because the diminished contact I had with some of them still felt so good, I never really felt the urge to search for new life long friends.
I know now that I have waited for too long to act though... .

My female friend took that place and therefore it hurts even more that I lost that friendship... .

One of my friends of old which I still see somewhat regularly is not someone I'd like to discuss this with anymore. I did that a while ago, but he does not really seem to grasp the issue anymore. He is absolutely fine living his own life 'by himself' , but he does not get that it is not really 'by himself' as he still lives as a student in an apartment with 2 other guys.


One other close friend basically pressured me to accept the new job. Although I not really felt it was a good thing to do given my emotional health right now... .My friend meant well, but I do not think a pressuring persona would be such a good idea right now either.

[once removed]

im reading between the lines so check me if im off base, but it sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and would really like to deeply connect to someone, yes?

[EdR]

im reading between the lines so check me if im off base, but it sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and would really like to deeply connect to someone, yes?

I don't really know how to answer that... .I guess it is a fact that I miss the emotional connection I had with my friend and apart from family I do not have that same connection anymore with someone else

[Donalith]

It sounds like some self-analysis should be taken into consideration so that you know what you want. That would be helpful in realizing what you expect from others.

[gotbushels]

EdR   

I don't really know how to answer that... .I guess it is a fact that I miss the emotional connection I had with my friend and apart from family I do not have that same connection anymore with someone else

To follow on once removed and Donalith, I do agree with the idea that having some kind of estimation or expectation of what you want will help you know where you want to go.  For some ideas, this section might give you some.

[Chynna]

Hi Ed , (that's good advise.) I feel for you!

[EdR]

Hi Ed , (that's good advise.) I feel for you!

Thank you 

To the others... .yeah, but that's kind of the idea why I wrote my post. :-(  I just feel kind of stuck.

There is no magic formula to achieve what I would like to achieve. And I do not expect to get an emotional connection with just anybody. So with some it would remain more superficial and with a very select number of people the connection could deepen.

[gotbushels]

I just feel kind of stuck.

OK.   

There is no magic formula to achieve what I would like to achieve.

Yes, there isn't one that I know of.  Share the goods please if you stumble across it.  

So what relationship do you want? What are your must haves?

[EdR]

OK.   :)Yes, there isn't one that I know of.  Share the goods please if you stumble across it.  

So what relationship do you want? What are your must haves?

I don't necessarily want a r/s. I would just like to have a somewhat deeper connection with some people again.

But to put it black and white: the younger ones in my age range mostly 'have fun' and 'connect' by drinking till they drop. It is very superficial actually. The (slightly) older ones are suddenly desperate to settle down.
Of course, that's black and white. But that's how I perceive it at times.

And BPD traits or not, childhood friends or not, it also seems like I am ALWAYS the one who should take the initiative.
I would like that to be a bit more balanced... .experience that they truly care about me, without me taking every first step.


So yeah... .I don't really think that's an enormously overambitious wishlist. I thought I found it again in my female friend, but it seems I was wrong... .

It makes me sad to discuss this btw. I think I have been damaged too much in a way... .

[zachira]

I think you are asking a very wise and mature question: "What are the odds I seem to connect with someone like that again?" Many people do not take a look at why a relationship did not end well, and they continue to attract the same kind of people over and over again. You are wise to realize that: 1) Too much self disclosure does not feel right. 2) Comments that seem over the top for the situation you are in do not feel right either.  Having good boundaries from the beginning is the foundation for a healthy relationship. Too much self disclosure or being more intimate than seems appropriate are big red flags. Take your time in getting to know yourself better, and when you meet a woman you are interested in, take you time in getting to know her before you become emotionally invested. I admire your courage and awareness in trying to have a better relationship next time, and you will become better at relationships because you have the right frame of mind and concerns. Take care and keep us posted, letting us know what is most helpful.

[gotbushels]

It makes me sad to discuss this btw.

OK EdR. Sometimes discussing things we're sensitive about may cause us to be sad. To join zachira, me too, I

admire your courage and awareness in trying to have a better relationship next time, ... .

And I do believe this will pay off for you in the future. 

I don't necessarily want a r/s. I would just like to have a somewhat deeper connection with some people again.

OK.

But to put it black and white: ... .But that's how I perceive it at times.

Yes, I do know what this can feel like--that lack of a match. At the same time because you've accounted for the ages in-between, it's not really that black and white. Also, it could be more than coincidence that the ones in-between are relatively less obvious. 

... .it also seems like I am ALWAYS the one who should take the initiative.
I would like that to be a bit more balanced ... .

OK. Yes, sometimes people have a lot going on in their lives and aren't able to reach others. Has there been at least one time in the last 3 years where someone has initiated contact with you?

I don't really think that's an enormously overambitious wishlist.

Yes, that doesn't seem strikingly ambitious. 

[EdR]

To answer your question: yes, luckily there have been several people.

I just saw pearlsw reply in another thread. Asking about the OP's friends and hinting on the social circles you meet when it's their birthday and 'using' them to out in groups.

I don't have that anymore... .And it makes me feel awkward and completely stuck.

[once removed]

what about getting different connections with different people?

once we exit high school, the older we get, it gets increasingly hard to make close friends/connections.

as an introvert, who is pretty selective (if not overly) about who i get close to, i know the struggle. ive found putting my eggs in different baskets achieves a sense of connection and connectedness.

ive got my facebook hobby groups. for the most part they arent people in my life, but i get to bond with hilarious, witty, loveable people about some of the particular things im passionate about, stuff i dont get to cover even with my closest friends.

ive got my church friends, who i see twice a week, worship and play music with, and although im not particularly close to them either, they have supported me in times of need, and vice versa.

ive got bpdfamily, where we are all working toward a common purpose, and i get to be a part of something bigger than me and thats super rewarding.

and then i see my closest friends when time allows, and we bond over the same old stuff.

my unsolicited advice would be to consider what aspects of human connection are missing, that you long for most. that might give you a sense of direction in how to find that connection. additionally, you might consider some form of volunteer work, as you can kill two birds with one stone: feel a sense of community and connectedness with others in something bigger than yourself, and also bond with individuals who share your passions.

i dont mean to suggest you cant or shouldnt continue looking for a special connection with a particular person, but both that it can simply be challenging, and increased, diversified exposure can increase the chance.

thoughts?

[EdR]

what about getting different connections with different people?

once we exit high school, the older we get, it gets increasingly hard to make close friends/connections.

as an introvert, who is pretty selective (if not overly) about who i get close to, i know the struggle. ive found putting my eggs in different baskets achieves a sense of connection and connectedness.

ive got my facebook hobby groups. for the most part they arent people in my life, but i get to bond with hilarious, witty, loveable people about some of the particular things im passionate about, stuff i dont get to cover even with my closest friends.

ive got my church friends, who i see twice a week, worship and play music with, and although im not particularly close to them either, they have supported me in times of need, and vice versa.

ive got bpdfamily, where we are all working toward a common purpose, and i get to be a part of something bigger than me and thats super rewarding.

and then i see my closest friends when time allows, and we bond over the same old stuff.

my unsolicited advice would be to consider what aspects of human connection are missing, that you long for most. that might give you a sense of direction in how to find that connection. additionally, you might consider some form of volunteer work, as you can kill two birds with one stone: feel a sense of community and connectedness with others in something bigger than yourself, and also bond with individuals who share your passions.

i dont mean to suggest you cant or shouldnt continue looking for a special connection with a particular person, but both that it can simply be challenging, and increased, diversified exposure can increase the chance.

thoughts?

I know you are right and diversification could help me a lot. But I find it hard to put that theory into practice. Especially since my experiences with my female friend with BPD traits (and my experience with someone with BPD before that).

I am an introvert as well, although I can be quite talkative and very open. In that sense I could be called a extravert though. But I am most definitely not of the screaming/overly excited/party going kind. So in the most classic sense I am definitely an introvert.

Since last Christmas I tried to work on this diversification and tried to find new social circles in which I feel comfortable. It didn't work out, most probably a lot of that is because of me and my experiences.

Let me give some examples:
-) I feel comfortable in my church although it ihas become more like an elderly home. But I am not there for the people, but for God... .so yeah... .They started a 'youth' group nonetheless and so I participated as well, because I would like to meet those younger people who I never really saw up till then. The 'youth' who were there were not church goers (not a problem necessarily) and the topics that were discussed were extremely boring and just felt plain stupid (problem there).
The people were not my type and the true religious part was not something I was happy about. It felt like I was going to a very different church than my own.

So I saw no reason to continue to go... .It felt like a waist of time. For God and myself.

So maybe I should try another church? I will probably, but the annoying thing about Christianity is the fact that churches tend to differ so much in how they deal with everything. And I primarily go to church to praise God in the way I feel He wants me to.

-) I wanted to try sports. I did not want to try tennis or something like that, but a sport with a more stable group of people to play with every week or so. Instead of having to come to the tennis club with a partner to play. I narrowed it down to one sport I REALLY liked. But it is very expensive and my female friend did it as well.

So I went to the one other club near my place. I knew for sure she did not play there. I tried for a while, but then two things happened. An old injury started to plague me again AND the coach began mentioning my friend and how she trained here sometimes as well.
I did not have the courage to continue... .but a while later I decided to try and go for it. But because of my injury and the uncertainty which comes with that (and the amount of money involved) I asked for an arrangement to be able to play untill the summer holidays instead of having to pay for the entire year.
They never answered my e-mail.

I should have probably just have gone out there and ask them in person, but it just felt bad. I was probably oversensitive due to the experiences with my friend.

-) I had this one friend who wanted to meet up again. Reunion like. He never followed through, so I did it once again. This social circle asked me why the hell he wasn't arranging this reunion himself though... .Why I should do it? That felt bad though... .
And in a stroke of bad luck, I heard about a death of someone I knew just 2 days before the reunion date. I told the group I just could not go and they should just have their meeting without me.
That one friend wanted to reschedule though. So I thanked him, but asked him to take the initiative this time around... .I asked him twice. He did NOT, so the meeting/reunion never happened.



So call all of this bad luck, but it most certainly also contains elemens which were influenced by my sensitivity due to the BPD experiences.

And tbh... .when a few of these things happen in short time span, I just feel really stuck and I feel ready to give up... .


And in the meantime, my female friend has clearly been more open again and definitely stopped her "I want to cut off all contact" approach. So that adds to the confusion as well... .I do NOT know what that all means and if there might be a way back to the old ways. I want to communicate, but I am scared to really have a normal back and forth conversation, because I just feel it could all change at the snap of a finger.

[EdR]

My own post made me laugh... ."waist of time" 

(Sorry, seems I cannot modify it anymore)

[gotbushels]

   EdR

To answer your question: yes, luckily there have been several people.

Great that's good news for you  because things aren't as dire as they seemed,

And BPD traits or not, childhood friends or not, it also seems like I am ALWAYS the one who should take the initiative.

Still, it feels nice to have people initiate things instead of us.

I know you are right and diversification could help me a lot. But I find it hard to put that theory into practice.

Well--yes, of course it may feel difficult to create diversity in your experiences. I know a bit of that. There isn't that school environment that once removed brought up so you don't have 10-50 new people to choose from every year.

Moreover if you account for your introversion--which would probably mean less people satisfy your wants--that will up the difficulty a bit more.

Especially since my experiences with my female friend with BPD traits (and my experience with someone with BPD before that).

Recall we're talking about diversification. Trying to assess what you bring on 1 x pwBPD and her feedback isn't diversification to me. Even if I had 10 x pwBPD experience, I would still not consider that diversifying. Yes, if your first couple of very meaningful experiences dating involved a pwBPD, see that's debilitating for your self-esteem in the short-term (I think it is), then see that won't help you diversify.

So I saw no reason to continue to go... .It felt like a waist of time. For God and myself.

Well if you're looking for waists in your time and don't get one, of course that's frustrating. I read your experience here. Again, 1 doesn't mean diversifying.

So maybe I should try another church?

Some churches offer more than 1 activity in a given age bracket. For example one big church offers 12 activity groups for young adults in my area. I'm not a religious expert but moving church for a few activities may not be a big deal for you.

I should have probably just have gone out there and ask them in person, but it just felt bad. I was probably oversensitive due to the experiences with my friend.

Well, again with the diversification.   

Especially since my experiences with my female friend with BPD traits (and my experience with someone with BPD before that).

So call all of this bad luck, but it most certainly also contains elemens which were influenced by my sensitivity due to the BPD experiences.

If you're finding that a lot of what you're investigating comes down to experiences or excessive sensitivity with one or more pwBPDs then you might consider getting the support of a T. It's sometimes good to get that support for those complex and tricky issues--I had a P's help around the time of my last "recycle", so I'd encourage you to look into it. If you want to read how a later-famous, formerly nerdy P got through this loneliness thing, you could look at this article for some inspiration.

This discovery that your involvement with ex's BPD is beneath an issue for you, I'd consider, is a good sign. It's said that BPDs have a knack for spotting special flaws in people. This is therefore a chance to explore a grain of truth for you to see if you can grow something out of it.

What I identify most with: some members here tend to blame everything on their pwBPD.