My Mother Just Accused Me of Trying to Kill Her

[NY2CA]

I just got an IM on Facebook from my uBPD mother with whom I've been NC for 9.5 years. In the message she called me evil for turning my back on her, accused me of trying to kill her, and of using my husband's family to threaten her. My heart feels like it is breaking... .I cannot understand how even after my being NC she can STILL hurt me so much! These kinds of accusations were fairly typical for her in the years before I stopped talking with her but it's been so long since I've heard them that they caught me completely by surprise.

Prior to this happening this weekend, I had been thinking of restarting a relationship with her and trying LC. But clearly she's becoming more paranoid and delusional the longer she lives alone, and still refusing to seek therapy. Now I don't think I can ever rebuild a relationship with her, and it makes me feel like I've lost my mother all over again. I also think I need therapy again myself because this experience has reawakened those dark thoughts I used to have about being worthless.

When does this all stop?

[Kwamina]

Hi NY2CA

It's been a long time since you've had to deal with anything like this. I can understand how upsetting and also unsettling this can be. It's extra sad since you were actually contemplating getting back in contact with her, albeit LC, but still.

In what way did she say you were trying to kill her and using your husband's family to threaten her?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi.  I am so sorry she sent that to you.  It is hard to understand how people can hold onto such distorted beliefs for such a long time.  The thing is, this has nothing to do with you.  It speaks to your mothers disordered thinking, coping strategies and behaviors.

When does this all stop?

Your mother's behavior?  It probably won't change.  Your response to it and it bringing up old stuff?  Well, I think we will always have a response of some sort but it does not have to be so debilitating or hurt so much.

I am glad you reached out here for support and that you are considering therapy again. 

[NY2CA]

She's referring to an accident that happened with my husband's and my car that she was using to get to work during a period of time that she was living with us 15 years ago. The hand emergency brake on the car was stuck, and she came inside our house to ask for help to get it unstuck. I was getting ready to go to work so my husband went out with her. She was standing out of the car on the passenger side with the door open, and my husband sat in the driver's side so he could press the button and lower the brake. He lowered the brake and immediately stepped out of the car, not realizing that the car was in neutral. The car immediately started to roll backwards and the open door pushed my mother into the chain link fence around our property, pinning her chest. My husband panicked and jumped back into the car to push the car forward and away from her, but she got a terrible black and blue on her chest and blamed us for the incident. She accused me then of being indifferent to her pain when I asked her if she would call her boss to tell her that she wasn't going in to work, and now she's saying we were actually trying to kill her.

The "threatening" has to do with past emails wherein she's misunderstood the message (for example, my husband's uncle supposedly sent her an email saying he would be successful against her, but was a family chain email that she misinterpreted), or arguments she's had with my husband and me and we told her to leave us alone, and she says she feels threatened. Never mind that she began every single one of those fights.

These are obviously things that happened many years ago but she's bringing them back up with more intensity and revising what actually happened. And she thought the Facebook message was public so she actually intended to "tell the world" that I have orchestrated the whole thing about her illness and I tried to kill her all those years ago. She called me evil over and over, and kept saying that I had been the adoration of her whole life but now she was ready for me and prepared.

[once removed]

wow. thats got to open up a lot of old wounds and id be pretty anxious upon reading such a thing.

how are you taking it? did you respond, or do you intend to?

[NY2CA]

It did open a lot of wounds for me, and I felt pretty immobilized for the first day after getting the message. She sounded so aggressive and angry, and because I haven't had any exchange with her in a while, it really caught me by surprise. I'm feeling better today after a few days spent processing, but still upset that she can elicit that kind of depression and anger in me with just a few words.

I also feel stupid for thinking that she might change some day, or some relationship with her might be possible. It feels like I have this relentless need to always try to make things better and do the "responsible" thing, even if it means jeopardizing my own wellbeing. Of course she's not going to change if she refuses therapy and will not acknowledge how abusive she's been with family and friends. But for some reason, my irrational side thought I could make things better finally.

Is this a superhero complex, perhaps even narcissist?

And I did respond with a brief message to remind her that the reason I've been NC for almost ten years is because of this kind of abuse, and her wild accusations. I don't know if she'll respond again-- she is technologically challenged and forgets how to log-in to online sites like Facebook.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you are feeling better today.

I'm feeling better today after a few days spent processing, but still upset that she can elicit that kind of depression and anger in me with just a few words.

The fact that this elicited such a reaction is simply a sign that you have an unhealed wound that ned some taking care of.  Nothing more than that.  It does not mean you are stupid either.  I think many of us still have a part of us that wish we could have a healthy relationship with our mom.  I do.  I also know what it is like to be hit so hard by baseless accusations of trying to kill my mother and how that still has the power to really mess with my head and my emotions.  And my moms been dead since October 2007.   All it means is we have some still open wounds.  And that's okay.

It feels like I have this relentless need to always try to make things better and do the "responsible" thing, even if it means jeopardizing my own wellbeing. Of course she's not going to change if she refuses therapy and will not acknowledge how abusive she's been with family and friends. But for some reason, my irrational side thought I could make things better finally.

I don't think the above has to do with a super hero syndrome or narcissism.  I am not sure what it is for you.  For me, I used to call it my arrogance, to think I knew how to fix someone and make them.  I talked to my T about it and she said no, it was my way of controlling things.  If I could just help my mom, keep her happy, get her healthy, then i could relax.  It was also a way for me to be in charge so I knew what to expect (or thought I did).  I did not like hearing that but I have to admit that it fit for me.  I have come to see and understand that my fixing tendencies are a defense in a lot of ways.  That is not to say that I do not genuinely care and want to help people, I do, but with my mom there was a difference.  I can also see this in a couple of my other 'difficult' relationships.

It sounds like the response you gave was a good one, at least for you.  Do you feel better after saying something?  Sometimes just letting it out is helpful.

[lulubell2017]

Hi, NY2CA,

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately they have a way of remembering past events in which they feel they were wronged, and still berate the people involved even years after. My uBPD mother still berated her sister for accidentally melting one of her plastic cups on the stove, 20 years ago or more. She never even knew for sure her sister did it, plus it was such an unimportant detail anyway, it was a cheap plastic cup and nobody got hurt. However, my mother actually told me about this when she was telling me why she didn't want her sister to visit her on her death bed. I believe this goes to prove how unreasonable some of those things can be, and this is why it isn't worth it being so concerned and upset. I know you will be upset anyway and it's natural, but just remember that you did nothing wrong.

[NY2CA]

I don't think the above has to do with a super hero syndrome or narcissism.  I am not sure what it is for you.  For me, I used to call it my arrogance, to think I knew how to fix someone and make them.  I talked to my T about it and she said no, it was my way of controlling things.  If I could just help my mom, keep her happy, get her healthy, then i could relax.  It was also a way for me to be in charge so I knew what to expect (or thought I did).  I did not like hearing that but I have to admit that it fit for me.  I have come to see and understand that my fixing tendencies are a defense in a lot of ways.  That is not to say that I do not genuinely care and want to help people, I do, but with my mom there was a difference.  I can also see this in a couple of my other 'difficult' relationships.

This feels very familiar to me. I definitely felt that way with her, and this way of trying to control the world around me definitely spills over into my other relationships, too. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really living my life-- just trying to keep all the plates spinning so they don't fall down, and then I can breathe later. Honestly, I never realized that this came from my relationship with my mother until this very moment.

I didn't really feel better responding to her, but was so upset that I felt compelled to do it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to IM me again or call one of her sisters and accuse me of horrible things all over again. I always felt so powerless with her attacks, and even though I'd fight back and yell and not back down, deep down I knew I couldn't stop her behavior and would do whatever I could when she calmed down to keep her that way.

[NY2CA]

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately they have a way of remembering past events in which they feel they were wronged, and still berate the people involved even years after... .I know you will be upset anyway and it's natural, but just remember that you did nothing wrong.

She brings things up that happened many years ago, and warps them so they fit her narrative of victim. This has made me feel so powerless because she would negate my memory and scream at me that I had wronged her even though I knew I hadn't, or didn't think it was the way she described. And I guess she probably could say the same thing about me-- that I'm trying to take over her memory in a way that is a lie. They play such terrible mind games, and leave you feeling insane and guilty.

[Harri]

Sometimes it feels like I'm not really living my life-- just trying to keep all the plates spinning so they don't fall down, and then I can breathe later. Honestly, I never realized that this came from my relationship with my mother until this very moment.

Oh yes.  Those dang plates.  Always holding my breath.  It feels really good when you let the plates just fall.    This is a pretty big realization so see where your thoughts and feelings take you.   

but was so upset that I felt compelled to do it.

Yes, I found this frustrating too.  It is just conditioned/learned behavior that you have learned from childhood.  The good news about that is that if you learned it you can unlearn it and replace it with a new behavior.  It takes time and will feel pretty awful as you make the change.  Remind yourself you are breaking a habit and an emotional connection with your mom so of course it will be hard.  You will have an internal struggle... .but take all that as a sign that changes are occurring within you. 

One thing that helped me and really freed me to make different choices was to realize that everything I tried to do to keep my moms behavior in check and keep her happy did not work beyond a moment or two.  Eventually something would happen to set her off and all my efforts prevented nothing.  She still dysregulated.  Once I realized that I decided that doing what was best for me was the only option.  I could not please her so I might as well take care of me.

[yamada]

I have been accused of punching people and walls and threatening to punch. It is the ultimate act of vindictiveness. Remember if they cannot get what they want they get vindictive.  you are not the problem she is and she exhibits it by this behavour

[once removed]

still upset that she can elicit that kind of depression and anger in me with just a few words.

i think our loved ones, even more so our parents, tend to elicit strong emotions, pull our heartstrings in one direction or another. i think a lot of us forget that feelings of obligation are inherently powerful when it comes to family. additionally, its a pretty alarming message to send you.

some reason, my irrational side thought I could make things better finally.

Is this a superhero complex, perhaps even narcissist?

it sounds like you were thinking that after some years, she would drop the grudge. maybe it went further than that, in that you were expecting a bigger, longer term change, but certainly the former sounds pretty reasonable, and the latter would be enormously disappointing. does that sound right?

has she sent any more messages, or have things died down?

[NY2CA]

One thing that helped me and really freed me to make different choices was to realize that everything I tried to do to keep my moms behavior in check and keep her happy did not work beyond a moment or two.  Eventually something would happen to set her off and all my efforts prevented nothing.  She still dysregulated.  Once I realized that I decided that doing what was best for me was the only option.  I could not please her so I might as well take care of me.

Thanks for the understanding, Harri. This describes almost my entire life. I would try to keep her from exploding, she inevitably would, and then I would feel guilty and depressed because nothing I did seemed to work. Now I'm seeing how I do this with everyone around me-- staff, family, volunteer workers, etc. And how EXHAUSTING that is! Constantly trying to keep people around me from taking on too much so they don't get upset, and I just keep piling it all on me. Of course, I'm just trying to keep her from exploding.

But I haven't learned how to take care of me yet.

As I dig deeper, I think I'm also a little upset because I didn't see this coming. When I was growing up, I got really good at reading her moods and could usually tell, even from a distance, when she was about to erupt. Now she legitimately caught me by surprise. And, her reaction felt more aggressive this weekend than prior outbursts and violence but I think it's because I haven't been exposed to it for so long. The lack of exposure to her rage has made me soft... .Not that I'd want to go back to how it used to be but it feels weird, for sure.

[NY2CA]

i think our loved ones, even more so our parents, tend to elicit strong emotions, pull our heartstrings in one direction or another. i think a lot of us forget that feelings of obligation are inherently powerful when it comes to family. additionally, its a pretty alarming message to send you.

it sounds like you were thinking that after some years, she would drop the grudge. maybe it went further than that, in that you were expecting a bigger, longer term change, but certainly the former sounds pretty reasonable, and the latter would be enormously disappointing. does that sound right?

has she sent any more messages, or have things died down?

I *was* hoping she had dropped the grudge because it was so irrational and unfair. And it was robbing her of having a relationship with her grandchildren, which is something she frequently told me while I was growing up that she wanted. Deep down inside, I can't seem to let go of hoping for a longer term change even though my brain is telling me that cannot happen. This is extremely disappointing and heart breaking. Because once again, the fantasy that I gave a little room to in my brain has been crushed by the reality of my mother's illness. I grew up without a father, and I will never have a "normal", loving mother. I know this, and yet it's still sad.

No, she hasn't sent any more messages. Her sisters told me earlier this year that she had to give up a home internet connection because she couldn't afford it, so I think she probably got online at the local library. It may be a long time again before she gets back on Facebook.

[NY2CA]

I have been accused of punching people and walls and threatening to punch. It is the ultimate act of vindictiveness. Remember if they cannot get what they want they get vindictive.  you are not the problem she is and she exhibits it by this behavour

She is really vindictive and can be quite violent. My aunt told me this afternoon that during their last argument, she hid in her own bedroom and put a chair against the doorknob because she grew afraid of my mother. Yet, my mother accuses me of trying to hurt her!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi NY2CA,

I also feel stupid for thinking that she might change some day, or some relationship with her might be possible. It feels like I have this relentless need to always try to make things better and do the "responsible" thing, even if it means jeopardizing my own wellbeing.

I just learned something today while in T. If the disordered person in our life can make it about what we did to them, the blame game, then we will search for ways to make it right and fix it. Thus yours and my need to keep trying over and over to make it work.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Now I'm seeing how I do this with everyone around me-- staff, family, volunteer workers, etc. And how EXHAUSTING that is! Constantly trying to keep people around me from taking on too much so they don't get upset, and I just keep piling it all on me. Of course, I'm just trying to keep her from exploding.

  What helps me is to think of things in terms of what belongs to me and what belongs to others.  I am responsible for my stuff:  feelings, actions, triggers, etc.  Other people are responsible for their stuff:  feelings, actions, triggers, etc.  When we try to control we are actually violating the other persons boundaries and rights to self-care, differentiation, autonomy, etc.  I know you can see all that... .I'm just chatty tonight!

As I dig deeper, I think I'm also a little upset because I didn't see this coming.

Of course you didn't se it coming.  You have been safe and out of that sort of toxic crap for a long time.  About a year ago (2?) I had a 'difficult' roommate who, according to my T, is a classic BPD.  I did not see it, I still got caught up in the mess, and made a lot of mistakes and felt like you did.  But (!) I also figured it out quick, got myself (and my roommate) out, and used some tools I learned over the years of being here that helped me significantly.

Time and distance dulls.  IMO it does nothing to heal.

The lack of exposure to her rage has made me soft... .Not that I'd want to go back to how it used to be but it feels weird, for sure.

Not soft.  You simply relaxed, became less tense, stopped walking through mine fields and it felt good and was/is healthy.  Not a damn thing wrong with that.  This time around you caught it without too much damage.  Sure it hurt but you have tools now and you have a safe place to come (here)!  I hope I did not just invalidate you.  I am simply offering a different perspective.