How to help my husband deal with his uBPD mother

[ss21463]

My MIL has BPD - she is undiagnosed but we all know she has it, fits the description to a tea.  My husband and I had lengthy discussions in pre-marriage counseling to make sure we were on the same page about how to manage our relationship with her - knew she was going to be a problem and I wanted to set expectations.  I no longer have any contact with her due to her constant abuse, just like we discussed before we got married.  Our four month old daughter will not have a relationship with her either.  

My husband suffers severely from the FOG - especially the guilt.  She had an unimaginably abusive childhood and he says she didn't chose to be the way she is.  He is the only person left in her life that hasn't cut her off - her brother, friends, son, employer, everyone except for my husband has had enough.  I feel like he wants to cut off her abuse but feels obligated since he is all she has left.  She hurts him to the core and it is so painful for me to watch her break his heart over and over.  

Any thoughts or advice?  

[Marcia]

Could he tell her that he will stay in communication only if she is in therapy? After all, the writing seems to be on the wall that she is a key player in all of her interpersonal difficulties, right?

Ultimately she may decide that family relationships are just to hard to maintain for her. That seems to be what my BPD mom decided... .  and I don't think it bothers her that much, actually.

[ss21463]

I think an ultimatum is his only option but he's not ready for it - he knows she won't get therapy and I don't think he's mentally ready to end the relationship.  Consumed by FOG.  I've explained that just because she was abused it doesn't give her the right to abuse him - the chain must end.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi SS,

It's good that you're looking to support your husband. Having a parent with BPD can be incredibly challenging, as you've already seen. It sounds like he feels a responsibility to his mother, which is only adding to his FOG.

What has your DH tried so far to set boundaries with his mother? What kinds of hurtful behaviors is she exhibiting?  Is he open to therapy to help him process his own feelings?

[ss21463]

He is trying to set boundaries, but having a hard time following them.  I think she's so used to getting her way and he has always done what she wants - hard transition.  One big problem is she picks fights and he falls for it every time - I have told him time and again to just hang up but he tries to change her mind/ make his point, which we all know is a complete waste of time and only frustrates you more.

Since he has tried setting boundaries she is claiming that her therapist (make believe, doesn't exist) says the way he treats her is "elder abuse" - she's only 65... .  I could go on and on with stories about her abuse.  My BIL is now cut off because he forgot to send her an Easter card.  I had some private legal matters (harassment at work) that she found out about and she wrote me a letter saying I deserved everything that happened to me and I must have tricked her son into marrying me.  We have a 4 month old baby and she is extremely jealous of the relationship and time my parents (normal) get with her - yet she refuses to come to our house to visit the baby because we won't let her dog in the house.  She drinks and gets even meaner - the comments she makes are unbelievably cruel. 

I have set boundaries - I refuse to ever go to her house again (same with our daughter), only meet at our house or public places.  The second she starts getting mean, I leave - luckily for me I haven't had to be around her since she refuses to come to our house. 

My husband is trying hard - I just don't understand why he keeps going back for more

[GeekyGirl]

Your DH goes back because even though he knows that his mother's behavior can be hurtful, he still wants her love and approval. It may seem very odd that he is still trying, because you can look at her behavior more objectively and see how how hurt he is. Are you open to him having a relationship with his mother?

[ss21463]

I would never say he can't have a relationship with her - its just so hard to watch him get hurt over and over  I'm glad he is supportive of me and our daughter not being around her - pre marriage counseling is so important!