Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 3]

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm thinking about going out by myself tonight just to avoid another night of sitting in my empty apartment alone.

The problem with this, as lame as it may sound, is that in this small suburban area the only places for me to visit are the exact places that we used to go every Friday night. We used to have such a great routine on Friday nights and go to the same few restaurants and bars. I really associate places with people so I know it will be difficult for me to be there alone and I really don't want to have some kind of breakdown in public. Beyond my own headgames that I'll be playing on myself internally, thinking about where we used to sit, how much fun we used to have etc. I'm also worried that bar staff will ask where she is and as minor as that sounds, I know it will really hurt me.

I mentioned before how I haven't really felt anger in this process but I suppose that I am feeling a bit right now, although it's hard to tell if it's more resentment or just general sadness. It just bothers me so much that I moved out here for her, told her to her face that her leaving me behind here would be the most depressing thing I could imagine and then that is exactly what she does after swearing to me that she wouldn't. Now she is frolicking around the city probably hooking up with numerous guys and doing whatever she wants meanwhile I am left behind here at this apartment that she chose to pick up the pieces. The only stores/restaurants/bars etc. that I have available to me are the places that we used to go together, I have to face that every day whereas she just completely skipped out on having to face up to any of the fallout created by her decisions.

I think this is just my mind spinning in circles again and I apologize for the venting. I miss that facade of a person so much and I can't seem to get them out of my head no matter how hard I try. Every night for the past week, I've been able to sleep for a few hours but then I wake up and I'm instantly thinking about her which leads me to lying in bed for hours until I need to wake up doing nothing but thinking about her and it's driving me crazy.

[pjstock42]

I'm thinking about going out by myself tonight just to avoid another night of sitting in my empty apartment alone.

The problem with this, as lame as it may sound, is that in this small suburban area the only places for me to visit are the exact places that we used to go every Friday night. We used to have such a great routine on Friday nights and go to the same few restaurants and bars. I really associate places with people so I know it will be difficult for me to be there alone and I really don't want to have some kind of breakdown in public. Beyond my own headgames that I'll be playing on myself internally, thinking about where we used to sit, how much fun we used to have etc. I'm also worried that bar staff will ask where she is and as minor as that sounds, I know it will really hurt me.

I mentioned before how I haven't really felt anger in this process but I suppose that I am feeling a bit right now, although it's hard to tell if it's more resentment or just general sadness. It just bothers me so much that I moved out here for her, told her to her face that her leaving me behind here would be the most depressing thing I could imagine and then that is exactly what she does after swearing to me that she wouldn't. Now she is frolicking around the city probably hooking up with numerous guys and doing whatever she wants meanwhile I am left behind here at this apartment that she chose to pick up the pieces. The only stores/restaurants/bars etc. that I have available to me are the places that we used to go together, I have to face that every day whereas she just completely skipped out on having to face up to any of the fallout created by her decisions.

I think this is just my mind spinning in circles again and I apologize for the venting. I miss that facade of a person so much and I can't seem to get them out of my head no matter how hard I try. Every night for the past week, I've been able to sleep for a few hours but then I wake up and I'm instantly thinking about her which leads me to lying in bed for hours until I need to wake up doing nothing but thinking about her and it's driving me crazy.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, time to get out man.  Part of detaching is taking our power back, and IMO not only should you not avoid those places, you should go to each of them on purpose and with intention.  The first time may be a little sketchy, but the second time you will have already been there without her, so it will get easier.  And more importantly, you'll start to make new memories, meet new people, build a life for yourself post-her, and the good news about that is the hardest part is at the beginning, it only gets easier.

[pjstock42]

I came to the same bar that we started every Friday night at and I don't know if it was a good idea.

Part of me is happy that I faced the fear of this head on but I'm really having a hard time keeping it together and I feel like such an idiot.

I guess in my head I would have regretted it more if I didn't come because then I would be blacklisting places in my own neighborhood due only to the control of a person who doesn't exist in my life anymore? Still though, I feel like a mess right now on the inside.

[rfriesen]

I hear you, PJ. But let yourself feel that way, as miserable as it is. I know it's awful when you have to try to be social at the same time, while it's quicksand and misery on the inside. But if that's how it feels right now, so be it. What's the worst that can happen? Your world will fall apart? Well, that's already happened, hasn't it? And as horrible as that feels right now, when you come through it, you'll feel that much stronger because you'll realize that you don't have to fight off or suppress uncomfortable feelings when they hit you. You'll already know what it's like to deal with the lowest of feelings, you'll know yourself and your emotional make-up a million times better, you'll have let go of trying to defend yourself against your own emotional reaction to situations ... .you'll have worked through a lot of fear and anxiety. The flip side of these lows now is a tremendous increase in confidence on the other end, just knowing that you've seen some of the worst emotions your psyche can throw at you and you'll have worked through them.

Doesn't help much now, I know. Just remind yourself that you don't owe yourself or anyone else an easy fix right now. Don't let the anxiety trick you into thinking you have to do anything about it. You're free to feel miserable right now, and you will get through it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Part of me is happy that I faced the fear of this head on but I'm really having a hard time keeping it together and I feel like such an idiot.

Good for you for going, I'm assuming you're there right now?  Idiot may not be the best label, how about newly single person grieving the loss of a significant relationship, and putting one foot in front of the other best he can?  And tomorrow, maybe the supermarket, a bar is a pretty big step, and it goes without saying, watch the booze, that won't help.  But a conversation or two with folks completely removed from your situation will probably be a good focus shift.  Enjoy yourself!

[pjstock42]

I'm back home now. That whole experience was pretty painful but also freeing in some kind of way. I can't say I had a "good" time but I am glad that I went and did my own thing because I'm back home and the world isn't over. I really think the worst thing I could have done was blacklist myself from all of these places that I like just because of her so even though this wasn't easy, I feel as though I proved some kind of small victory to myself if that makes any sense.

rfriesen, what you said makes total sense. I went from an incredibly emotionally stable person to someone on a constant roller coaster because of this and I already can't imagine anything ever rattling me as much as this did. It's in a way comforting to know that I have faced the worst of the worst and that even though I'm not there yet, I will get through it and will continue on with my life. I'm definitely looking forward to this "confidence increase" and as unrealistic as it seems right now, I do have faith that I'll get there eventually.

heel, I've actually already done the grocery store, the pharmacy etc. The bars were the biggest obstacle for me because of all the good times that we shared there but at least that's out of the way now. Still a long way to go for me but I really do feel like you guys have helped me get on the right path and I can't thank you enough for that.

[drained1996]

We're proud of you for facing some of your fears and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Your ability to process all of this is very impressive.  I assume all of us that have followed your story will agree that adding a very qualified therapist to your situation will significantly benefit you and your well being.  Yes, I'll now be your mom 

[pjstock42]

We're proud of you for facing some of your fears and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Your ability to process all of this is very impressive.  I assume all of us that have followed your story will agree that adding a very qualified therapist to your situation will significantly benefit you and your well being.  Yes, I'll now be your mom 

The topic of therapy is something that I have some very specific viewpoints on that I don't want to get into here. PM me if you'd like to talk about that, not something that I want to discuss in a public forum to be honest.

[rfriesen]

So glad to hear you're feeling good about the night overall!

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about going from being an incredibly stable person to being on a constant roller coaster. I fought it for so long after the final break-up, as though I was going to be able to impose stability on myself through sheer force of will. Ultimately, it was just too exhausting. Once you let go, you feel vulnerable to big waves of emotion. But then, like you say, eventually they pass, you realise you're fine and have already been through the worst. And each time that happens, you gain a little more confidence that you can deal with difficult emotions, that you don't have to fight them off. And that also frees you up to observe how your mind does try to fight them, to tell you either that you're not really feeling that bad or that it's justified because of x, y, or z, or sometimes just the opposite - your mind builds things up to be so much worse than they are. And once you get used to observing your mind do its thing, it eventually does that more quietly. Learning that I can just let my feelings be without getting so caught up in how my mind tries to spin them or justify them or deflect them ... .was a big, helpful step for me.

I'm working on carrying that perspective through, so that in the future I can enjoy emotional stability, but not feel overly anxious if something threatens that stability. I think this whole process will make us all much more comfortable in our own skin, ultimately. It really is liberating once you decide, hey I'm just not going to fight my emotions. If I have to carry on with my day while feeling like a mess inside, so be it, I'll muddle through. It gives you a lot of power back to realise that your emotions are just, well, emotions. And once we feel solid again, we'll appreciate it all the more.

[pjstock42]

I think one of the biggest issues at play stems from myself and how I've always placed stability in the hands of others rather than my own.

As I mentioned, I'm 28 and I've had a girlfriend basically every day of my life minus a month or so since I was 19. It comes from a good place, I genuinely do get a great sense of fulfillment from being with a committed partner, helping them, taking care of them etc. However; being in a sense 'codependent' for so long made is so that I never had any period in my adult life where I had to find stability from within. My longest relationship which was before this latest one was 6 years and she really was a great steward of my stability. Things weren't perfect, we had our differences and eventually things fell apart due to transitioning to a long distance relationship. This last go around with my BPD ex was the relationship that I've felt the most secure in, obviously this was misguided and I placed my stability in the hands of an incredibly unstable person but she really did such an amazing job at mirroring back to me everything that I want out of a relationship. I honestly lived every day facing every problem thinking that everything would be ok no matter what because I had that person in my life and they honestly did fill this role so well. Now that this artificial sense of stability is gone, I finally have to look inwards and develop it for myself which I've always known is something that I need to do, I just never imagined that I would face it under these circumstances.

I think that not only will learning how to be my own sense of stability be healthy for me, it will also be a good thing for whomever the next person is that I get romantically involved with because it really isn't a burden that I ever should have been putting on another person in the first place. That was my security blanket, the thing that made everything else ok, so to have it stripped away is definitely traumatizing but I know that in the end I'll be better for it. I still want to have a girlfriend but I do understand that there is no rush and the best part about all of this is that I unequivocally know that this last person is not someone that I want in my life at all so I don't need to worry about trying to go back to them.

[rfriesen]

but she really did such an amazing job at mirroring back to me everything that I want out of a relationship.

This is such a key insight and, again, I'm amazed at how quickly you seem to be processing it all. It took me a long time before this point really sank in for me. And it also made me appreciate the impossible position my ex was in. I'm not saying you need to draw the same conclusions, and I also do still have some anger towards my ex, but I can see that she was working so hard to project back at me everything I wanted out of the relationship -- her knowing on the inside that she couldn't maintain that stable projection indefinitely must have been an incredible source of anxiety for her. She was trying to be everything I wanted, while constantly worrying the facade was going to crumble.

As for our own stability, one big lesson that I'm still processing is that I shouldn't look for stability at the level of my momentary feelings and emotions. Like you, PJ, I've always felt very emotionally stable and probably I didn't have enough compassion for people close to me (I'm thinking of my sister, in particular, who is extremely emotionally volatile) who would sometimes lash out or collapse in tears or undermine those who love them. I couldn't imagine what would make someone behave like that other than sheer cruelty. But I think I was always viewing the world from the perspective of someone who's always been emotionally stable, never had my inner emotional world rocked to the core.

Now, I'm not saying I want to start lashing out or falling apart emotionally. That's not me, and I have a lifetime of stability to draw on. But going through this break-up and experiencing what it's like to have the bottom fall out emotionally ... .I can only imagine what it's like to constantly go through cycles of that, without having a lifetime (or any extended periods) of stability to draw on. So I can empathise with my ex a lot more now, but I still would never want to make myself vulnerable to that kind of chaos again. I want a healthy, more mature connection.

And part of the work on myself now is to realise I put too much weight on my moment-to-moment emotional state. Because I was so used to feeling emotionally stable, I panicked when that disappeared. When my ex's behaviour made me lose the feeling of emotionally stability, I became desperate to fix that and, in hindsight, I see that I was flailing around desperately trying to secure that feeling of stability and even-keel again. One of the biggest lessons for me now is not to lose sight of healthy behaviour, even when the emotions are out of whack. It's a little different for you because your ex left so suddenly. But when the turmoil really started with my ex, I focused way too much on doing whatever I could to soothe her pain and to reassure her of my love, and also to regain the feeling that I was the best in her eyes. That focus on fixing emotions in the short term made me lose all sight of what makes for healthy, normal behaviour in the long term.

Maybe there was a touch of that for you too, in terms of dismissing potential red flags? I know I was so focused on how amazing things felt with my ex at the beginning of our relationship, that I completely ignored behaviour and comments that should probably have worried me enough to ask about them and be a bit more observant - both of my ex and myself, in terms of how we actually behaved.

If we've always lived in a state of inner emotional stability, we've never had too much reason to step back from that feeling and realise that, in the long run, it's the things we say and do (our patterns of behaviour) that matter much more than how we feel in the moment. And I think our behaviour is, in the long run, the key to our emotional stability, not the other way round. Of course, it's easier to act the way we want when we feel stable. But the key is that we can control our actions more easily than our feelings - so we can use the former to create a stable foundation for the latter more effectively than the other way round. This experience has taught me not to panic or lose sight of what really matters to me in the long run, just because my sense of emotional stability escapes me in the short run. Or, at least, that's something I'm trying to learn from this experience.

[pjstock42]

Your point about behavior invoking emotional stability and not the other way around is very well put and I can say that I agree even though I've never thought of it this way. This makes a lot of sense when applied to my ex as well because her behavior was radically unstable and I'm sure that played a role in perpetual emotional instability as well.

In terms of the red flags, I've spent a lot of time ruminating about this and how I so blatantly let things slide throughout the relationship, especially in the beginning during the love bombing phase. There are numerous things she told me about her prior relationships/experiences that if I had read these pieces of information on an online dating profile, I would have moved on almost instantly. Yet for some reason, I pushed all of these things aside and believed that this was something that was truly meant to be, as stupid as that sounds. It's a bit creepy because she told me flat out about at least 2 prior relationships where she was living with a guy and moved out without warning, so exactly what she did to me. At the time, I just blindly believed her version of events, thought that it must have been a warranted action and didn't ever once think that it's something that could happen to me - needless to say I was quite wrong on that one.

Stuff like that is obviously what I will primarily take away from this experience and I'm now full to the brim with knowledge that should prevent me from ever bending my boundaries and ignoring these red flags with someone again in the future.

When you mention the "trying to make everything ok" phase, I did have that as well although it was short lived. After her initial discard attempt, I didn't believe it was real and thought it was just an elaborate threat, that there were things I was doing that I could change to make things better. For those next 2 months, I changed so much about my every day life trying to accommodate this person and give them everything that they needed or at least, that they were telling me that they needed. This led to that final stage of "everything being great" and her always talking about how happy she was, all while she was covertly planning to leave me without warning and even lying to my face about doing this.

Again back to her "painting me to black" email, she had so many petty things to complain about that were never brought up to my face. Complaints about how I didn't spend enough time with her or do enough nice things with her, despite the fact that we spent all of our time together and I was constantly doing nice things for her to the point that she would always say "you're so good to me". It seemed like she was really making it a point to put the blame on me 100% and make it seem as if I had taken her to a nice dinner just one more time or come home with flows one more time, that none of this would have happened. I allowed myself to believe this for a few days but I now know that no amount of nice gestures would have prevented this from happening, it was beyond my control and I just have to accept that.

I am definitely trying to follow in your footsteps in terms of allowing my emotions to work themselves out. I already feel much more stable than I have in the past few weeks but it's difficult to know if that's because I'm really healing or if I've just become numb to everything.

[pjstock42]

I had my first real "setback" day yesterday and it was not fun. I had been trending upwards in the right direction for the past week or so but it all came crashing down last night. I knew that this would probably happen at some point so I just took myself to bed, laid down and let everything out as best that I could.

I think the overload of research that I've done and the amount of time I've spent rationalizing with my logical brain about how this is a good thing in the long run had taken a bit out of me and probably suppressed various emotional things that needed to come out at some point. Basically, I know that this would have happened eventually, I know that I don't want to be with someone who is capable of lying to me so overtly and who used my vulnerabilities to destroy me, all of this makes sense in my logical brain.

Yet last night, it was the emotional side that won over. I had to lay down and admit to myself that no matter how much I tell myself this is for the best, that I miss her so much. I loved her, I loved every minute spent with her and I would have done anything for that person for the rest of my life without question. It's tough to admit all of this stuff because it goes directly against all of the programming that I've been doing with my logical brain in terms of accepting what's happened and knowing that I can't change it. I'm thinking that because I was on such a radical emotional high for so long because of this person, it only makes sense that the lows resulting from her discard are going to be just as powerful. I'm glad that I was able to take a time out to cry and have a conversation with myself & I hope that facing my feelings will make this process better in the long run.

[rfriesen]

PJ, yes, I think the rational and logical part of you is clearly strong and has done everything possible in making sense of your situation. Don't underestimate the value of that. You will get caught up in the emotional storms that hit, but you'll have that self-awareness that helps you keep some perspective on how destructive the relationship was.

In a sense, you have the disadvantage of having gone through one single, unexpected discard. This may have saved you months or even years of your relationship disintegrating and her hurting you in various ways. But it also means you didn't have time to convince yourself, or to feel for yourself at a gut level, that the relationship was doomed. As things with my ex were falling apart, and I was trying to patch them up, I had those moments when I was able to step back and evaluate things and ask myself, "Is there any way I can live through this? The raging and the lying and manipulation ... .these aren't passing phases that will go away if I just do what she's asking right now." I had already started at least some of the work of processing the situation before the final break-up. And anytime that wave of longing and emotional doubt hits, I recall how every fresh attempt was just more anxiety ridden and destructive.

And still the break-up was excruciating for me to process. There will be set-backs, it's inevitable. As you say, to feel such emotional highs and to become so attached to another person ... .you simply cannot accept that on an emotional level in a short time frame, however much your logical brain has already accepted it. Let yourself feel the emotions when they come, especially if it's the weekend or some other time you can just let it happen. You can't rush it and you will benefit from letting go and accepting whatever feelings come. As I've mentioned before, this was a big step for me - just letting go of trying to control my emotions through my logic and letting go of the fear of accepting the whole situation, however much it hurt. And I don't mean it was a single step -- it's an ongoing process of letting go bit by bit.

Your emotions will keep hitting you with feelings of "what if? what if?" and "it can't really be possible that I'll never hold her again, never make everything right" and "if I could just re-live, just one more time, some of those highs with her", etc etc ... .and it's going to hurt. That's what attachment is, especially this deep attachment that goes to the core of our emotional self. At least that's part of what I feel I've learned. And, for me, the analogy to withdrawal made a lot of sense, even though I've never had a drug addiction. The process is a lot like what I imagined rehab feeling like. An excruciating longing for something I know is bad for me, but a longing I simply have to let myself feel because any attempt to dull it is just going to prolong the process.

Another possibly helpful analogy - my therapist compared it to vertigo. You walk close to the edge of a cliff and you get a nervous feeling like you might jump. (I don't actually get this feeling with heights, but for some reason I feel something similar if I'm on a boat far from land -- a sudden fear that I'm going to jump in the middle of the ocean.) You can know logically that you won't jump, but it takes time to overcome the fear, the anxiety, the nerves. Our relationships left us with deep emotional wounds, and it hurts a lot to approach those emotions. It still hurts me deeply if I call to mind some great memory with my ex and tell myself, "Yes, those were incredibly happy moments. I can appreciate them, but I accept that I'll never experience that kind of thing with her again." I say those words and my rational mind is firm, has been 100% on board for months now. But it's still like a punch in the gut emotionally. It's still a raw wound and I'm not able to rip the bandage off all at once.

We're going through something like that. I'm not sure whether the analogy is helpful, but it's just not possible for us to feel all the emotions at once and heal in a matter of days or weeks. But each time we get hit with a wave of emotions and those feelings of attachment, and each time we let ourselves feel it without turning away, we accept a little more. Eventually it feels less and less like some enormous emotional wound that we'll carry forever, and more like a manageable process.

Time, my friend, time. It's on your side, even if it sure as hell doesn't feel that way sometimes.

[drained1996]

"I think the overload of research that I've done and the amount of time I've spent rationalizing with my logical brain about how this is a good thing in the long run had taken a bit out of me and probably suppressed various emotional things that needed to come out at some point."

I think all that have followed this will agree you have a genius insight into this illness in such a short amount of time.  It might be time to allow your emotions to take place, and focus less on your education, and more on how you feel... .ie... some of the time you've been overloading on research may have gotten in the way of letting your feelings happen.  Let them happen, and when the emotion subsides... .you know your logical mind will access what you've encountered, and you already have enough tools to understand. 
You will be fine our friend, it will just take some time. 

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Your posts make more and more sense with each passing day. Not that they were ever nonsensical but every day I get to a point of understanding this process a fraction better and all of the things that you have said apply directly to what I'm going through so thank you for your continued input.

The thing that is bothering me the most lately is sleeping. Every night, no matter how early I go to bed, I can sleep for a few hours off the bat but then I inevitably wake up and lie awake just thinking for the rest of the night. I've tried meditation techniques and other things to distract myself but it seems like 4/5 hours every night is dedicated to my mind racing and keeping me awake so that I feel horribly drained when I get out of bed the next day.

Drained,

I don't know if this sleep interruption stuff is part of me allowing my feelings to come out but I do know that I'm sick of it hah. I will definitely continue trying to spot myself when it seems like I am repressing feelings and do whatever I can to let them come out although that's difficult some times when I'm on the phone for work all day but I'll manage.

Last night's sleeplessness seemed to be focused on the subject of lying and how adept my ex was at it. Beyond the lying to me about her secret discard plan, there were many other connected things in those last few weeks that I asked her questions about and she just lied to me so easily right to my face. I remember that she had taken a blanket and a pillow to work and told me it was because her sister wanted them at the airbnb because she didn't trust the cleanliness of the bedding at those places. It wasn't a quick lie either, there was a whole story behind how her sister has always needed to have clean bedding blah blah blah like such an elaborate lie created just to keep me in the dark. What maybe hurt the most was how she was planning things with me for that next weekend even though she knew she would be gone by then. We had a lengthy conversation about where we were going to eat on that day when she came back, how we were going to take the neighbors dog for a walk, what we were going to watch on tv that evening. She got so deeply into planning this stuff while already knowing that she would be moving out without my knowledge days before this - I suppose this was gaslighting at it's finest and it really hurts in a way that is hard for me to explain.

I've also been researching the topic of "trauma bonding" lately and that has definitely hit home for me. It's very close to Stockholm Syndrome and I"m just glad that there are others who understand where I'm coming from.  A lot of guy friends say "just get over it man she's a crazy b*tch" etc. but I know that you guys understand how much deeper it goes than that. Basically, I really feel like the only person who understands my pain, that holds the key to alleviating my pain, is the one who actually caused it. Luckily I have been no contact and have no intentions of breaking that but I guess it's just another thing that has my mind constantly chasing itself in circles.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey pj-

I don't know if this sleep interruption stuff is part of me allowing my feelings to come out but I do know that I'm sick of it hah. I will definitely continue trying to spot myself when it seems like I am repressing feelings and do whatever I can to let them come out although that's difficult some times when I'm on the phone for work all day but I'll manage.

Insomnia is a symptom of depression, so maybe it's not your repressing feelings that is causing it, but you are feeling depressed, and that's how it's manifesting; maybe you're right where you're supposed to be.

I did that for months, 3:30 in the morning was the magic wake-up time apparently, and I'd get tired and go back to sleep in a couple of hours, but laying there stewing ain't fun, I can relate.

Things that helped were vigorous exercise the previous day, stopping ingesting caffeine by noon, and not eating after 5 or 6 p.m.  Also good to not just lie there, get up, and I decided after a while that if that's what's going to happen I was going to use it, so I'd read a book that was something empowering, something that was going to help me improve my life, that way it didn't feel like wasted time.

[pjstock42]

I thought I would share this video with you guys:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcE7eaoc17Y

This video gave me goosebumps in terms of how incredibly accurate she described everything that I went through, despite her use of "he" instead of being gender neutral which always bugs me a bit but the point stands.

While watching this, I felt as though someone was reading my life story in terms of the time spent with my ex, it gave me such an odd sense of validation to see it explained in a way that I could relate with so well.

Hope you guys find this video helpful.

[pjstock42]

Went on a date tonight with a girl I met on okcupid, admittedly it was probably too soon for this... .

It was an interesting experience though. It was nice to converse with a woman knowing that there is no history there, no emotional connection, no expectations. We talked for something like 3 hours and it was a really good conversation but the whole experience of having to "date" is just so weird to me and not something I thought I'd ever have to do again.

My first thoughts after leaving were comparing her to my ex BPD gf which again probably shows that this was too soon. The connection and intimacy that was fabricated by my ex was so intoxicating that any kind of romantic involvement with anyone else seems like it will pale in comparison. I think the biggest takeaway from this experience was that it was fun having good conversation with someone but that the wounds left by my ex are still very prevalent and preventing me from really connecting with another person. I found myself focusing my mental energy on nitpicking everything she said in the search of red flags / warning signs that I ignored with my ex and that obviously isn't a healthy way to approach a conversation with someone who you don't know.

I suspect that my subconscious has propped up a self-defense mechanism that will probably take a lot of time to break through, for better or for worse. I will probably back away from the dating scene for a bit because I don't think it's fair to put myself in this realm when my mind is still so focused on healing from the trauma caused by my BPD ex.

[rfriesen]

Sure, it was probably much too soon if you were expecting to be able to date without constant thoughts of your ex. But it's more than understandable, when you're in a lot of emotional turmoil, that you'd want to try something to find a little relief or just take your mind off things. I went on a few dates a couple of months after my final break-up and I don't regret them exactly. But I was still thinking of my ex a lot and I could see I was not going to find such an intense connection again. I decided to take some time to process why I still craved that intense connection. Even when times were great with my ex, I used to tell myself, "But I could never live like this. Not for any real length of time." We couldn't focus on anything but each other for the first several months together and things only got more intense once everything took a nasty turn.

I know your experience with your ex was different - sounds like you had a period of time living together when you felt you had found your perfect routine? I never had that with my ex -- during our best times, we were riding a high that I knew wasn't sustainable. I just thought it might settle down into a more stable routine. But then maybe we would have realised that what we loved so much about being together was really the manic highs? I don't know -- point is, for me, I realised I wanted to take some time to sort through all that before dating again. I would say that the few dates I went on after ending things with my ex, I wasn't so much looking for red flags in my dates, as constantly ruminating on what it was I was looking for and why I kept thinking of my ex and why the idea of finding that kind of manic high again actually turned me off so much.

Like I said, I don't regret the dates I went on. But I realised that I didn't want anything serious out of them and also that I wasn't particularly excited about the idea of casual hook-ups either. I'm sure the whole process of dating again is different for everyone, though. On the positive side, it could help you reflect more concretely on what you hope for in a new relationship, or even just from the dates themselves. I think I had always tended to get into relationships with a sense of, "well, I'll just see how it goes." Not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but with my ex it meant that I just kind of rode the emotional roller coaster going by the seat of my pants. Now, I'd like to take the opportunity to think seriously about what I want from life -- do I want a longterm relationship? marriage? kids? What kind of person would I see doing that with?

Of course, all that is also a function of where I am in life -- late 30s, never having thought too seriously about marriage or kids or a relationship that would last forever. So, even apart from the madness of this past relationship, it's probably a good time for serious reflection anyway. Good timing for me, I guess? Ha, have to look on the bright side of this somehow.

Anyway, I don't want to project all my issues onto you, but it's possible that you'll also find the whole experience gives you a chance for deeper reflection on what you're really looking for.

[pjstock42]

1 month "anniversary" today of the discard. It's honestly crazy to think of how a month has passed, some days I feel like I'm much further out from the event but at other times it's fresh enough to seem like it just happened yesterday.

I signed a lease for a new apartment and will be moving towards the end of August, definitely looking forward to leaving behind this apartment/neighborhood and all of the torturous memories that come with it. When I try to look at the positive side of things, I'm wondering if it was actually a good thing that I got left behind here and had to deal with the trauma of being alone in this empty apartment, going to the same stores/restaurants we went to etc. I'm wondering if that somehow helped to speed up the healing process even just a little bit because I was forced to face all of these things while moving forward with my life, whereas escaping them would have been repressing painful experiences that I would just have to deal with later.

Anyway, my new place is in an awesome neighborhood that I picked for myself, has all of the space/amenities that I want for myself with tons of good bars/stores etc. within a 5 minute walk, not to mention that my commute to/from work will be 1/3rd of what it is now. I'm really not looking forward to the hassle of moving again and I'm also still upset that my half of the security deposit is going to my ex and I'll never see it but I'm thinking of that as a fee to have this toxic drug removed from my life so I'll be OK.

It's very odd to look back at what's happened in my life over the last month and I must say that I almost feel dissociated from much of it at this point. I still can't believe that I altered so much of my life for another person & still can't believe that anyone could ever do what she did to me but at the same time, I've been forced to face a fear that I never thought I would have to deal with and I'm still alive and moving forward with life. I honestly feel like nothing could ever shake me to the core as much as this has and again trying to think of the positives, I suppose that this has caused me to prove to myself that I can face any challenging situation that life throws at me and still be able to move forward.

[Turkish]

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Mod Note- See also:
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1