Do Non's also Feel the Void in Life After a BreakUp and Struggle to Find Purpose

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am just wondering if non's (us) suffer from feeling the void of life as well? As for me my dad died last June, leaving me without family except for one sister who lives on the opposite side of the country. Apart from that I'm completely alone in the world. My ex-UBPD felt for me in this way and thought he was there for me. It was important for him to feel that he was there so that I did not feel utterly alone in the world.

Although I don't suffer from BPD I have felt this emptiness in life. I don't have children, or family so I don't know if how I feel is normal because I have almost no one in this life. I struggle with this every day because all my relationships have been failures. However, my relationship with my ex - UBPD was the most fulfilling and the most tormenting. He was there for me after my dad died and stepped in to take his place. At least that is what my ex said.

I don't know what to think but I can't help but fight this total emptiness. When your alone in life and have virtually no family or anything that ties you to this world... .   one cannot help but feel utterly lost and of little worth. Thoughts like that usually never were the main stay of my day to day life but they are now. I don't know what is the point anymore and have no idea if there is anything to look forward to?

I feel lost after losing my ex-UBPD Lover because at least he was my base line. He was there for me while no one else really was.

Now I'm alone with just my dog and a couple of friends. No family to speak of really. An estranged sister who I didn't talk to for 17 years and I don't know anymore where my place is in life or even if there is one.

I'm so tired. Just wanted Love because everything else is there but somehow without love and people that give a damn about you, life can feel and seem pretty cut throat, hopeless and empty. Trying to figure out what the point of it all is.

I pray to God that I'm just going through the stages of this loss to get to the other side where the sun shines but I'm sometimes scared of myself and my sense of hopelessness.  

[Surrender]

I am just wondering if non's (us) suffer from feeling the void of life as well? As for me my dad died last June, leaving me without family except for one sister who lives on the opposite side of the country. Apart from that I'm completely alone in the world. My ex-UBPD felt for me in this way and thought he was there for me. It was important for him to feel that he was there so that I did not feel utterly alone in the world.

Although I don't suffer from BPD I have felt this emptiness in life. I don't have children, or family so I don't know if how I feel is normal because I have almost no one in this life. I struggle with this every day because all my relationships have been failures. However, my relationship with my ex - UBPD was the most fulfilling and the most tormenting. He was there for me after my dad died and stepped in to take his place. At least that is what my ex said.

I don't know what to think but I can't help but fight this total emptiness. When your alone in life and have virtually no family or anything that ties you to this world... .   one cannot help but feel utterly lost and of little worth. Thoughts like that usually never were the main stay of my day to day life but they are now. I don't know what is the point anymore and have no idea if there is anything to look forward to?

I feel lost after losing my ex-UBPD Lover because at least he was my base line. He was there for me while no one else really was.

Now I'm alone with just my dog and a couple of friends. No family to speak of really. An estranged sister who I didn't talk to for 17 years and I don't know anymore where my place is in life or even if there is one.

I'm so tired. Just wanted Love because everything else is there but somehow without love and people that give a damn about you, life can feel and seem pretty cut throat, hopeless and empty. Trying to figure out what the point of it all is.

I pray to God that I'm just going through the stages of this loss to get to the other side where the sun shines but I'm sometimes scared of myself and my sense of hopelessness.  

[LMNO]

Your words bring tears to my eyes, as I feel your pain and sense of aloneness on a daily basis.

I wish I could offer you words of advice and encouragement, but feeling the same way I'm wondering the same. Know that you are not alone. I pray for all of us here to see the sun shinning once again.

Many people here are a testament that it does get better. Hopefully we can be added to that list soon

[mango_flower]

This broke my heart reading this 

I do relate.  Different situation though.  I have a wide circle of friends and a strong family base.  They distract me a lot. But at the end of the day, I still feel alone.  When I go home at night to an empty house, yes, I feel so very alone.  Like there is no purpose.  Yes I have my friends, but they all have partners etc.  They plan things for weekends.  Sometimes they invite me along but I feel like a gooseberry!

I miss the things we used to do together on weekends.  Me and my girl. Trips to the zoo, picnics on summers days, evenings at the cinema with popcorn and ice-cream.

It feels like I am just existing.

So I am trying really hard to make positive changes.

There are some things you CAN do - for example, I have just signed up to go and work in Africa this summer for a couple of weeks, volunteering in an orphanage.  I don't know if your work schedule would permit, or if you have money for flights, but could you look into doing something like this?  You'll meet loads of people and probably come back with a totally different perspective on life.  There is always something to look forward to.  Even though it all feels like a chore at the moment, I know I need to do things for me.  Thing is, I don't know what these things are that make me happy.  But I'm just trying to do stuff, any stuff, to hopefully find that.

One thing that keeps me going is never knowing what is around the corner.  And that is why we can never give up 

[Surrender]

Thank you both for your uplifting words that also made the hurt a little more because I see that we seemed to have lived similar heart breaks and here we are trying to find ways to pick up the pieces. LMNO your words and sentiments are truly heart felt. It is strange how just knowing that we are not alone gives an invisible strength. It is interesting how we are all fighting to make positive changes because in a way that is our survival mechanism kicking in. I find it strange that out of all my failed relationships (which paled in comparison in how I felt for them) this one is the one and only that has utterly shaken my world upside down. I still find myself having strange and disturbing dreams about him/us and waking up in what is almost an anxiety attack reliving losing him, as though I'm just now remembering it all. It is so strange.

Thank you Mango-Flower your words of advice are I feel, a good balance in answer to what really matters in the end and to what could ultimately heal these wounds for a new beginning. I would love to be connected with people of like minds doing good in the world. I have always dreamed of doing something like that and maybe this whole experience will push me to do something like that finally. I'm elated that your going forward with such an amazing plan. I'm excited for you!

It is interesting but when the break up happened my thought was to go to Africa and just give myself to what ever cause would take me. But I think the way you are doing it is a good balance between not denying your life and expanding it with what really matters. 

I think having the true perspective of the gravity of need and suffering out there in the would be a welcomed realization that the world at large needs help. I think what your doing is brilliant and God willing I will work on something along those lines.

We shall be praying for one another. Just knowing that helps. Thank you.

[causticdork]

EVERYONE feels a void after a break-up.  I'm in a similar situation as Mango, in that I have a lot of good friends and super supportive, wonderful family.  I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.  Most of my friends are in relationships too, and being single again is kind of weird and awful sometimes.

What's working for me is getting back into the things I loved to do before I met my BPDexGf.  I'm an artist and I love to paint, but she just wasn't into art.  At all.  It wasn't like she actively discouraged my painting, but when the person whose opinion matters most to you just straight up doesn't care about your artistic creations, you become discouraged.  I hadn't painted in almost a year when we broke up, and I've been doing it non-stop since.  It feels good. 

Volunteering is a great idea.  You'll meet new people, and you'll get to change life for the better. 

[LMNO]

Good for you CausticDork. I know how uncool it feels to have someone you love so much, be unsupportive of one of your favorite things to do, and/or passions. I have always been very passionate about making music and spinning records, yet was never supported in that passion, and actually sold my turntables to make her happy(stupid-I know). I actually just bought some new ones, and am anxiously awaiting getting back home to get back to what I love. Paint on brother!

EVERYONE feels a void after a break-up.  I'm in a similar situation as Mango, in that I have a lot of good friends and super supportive, wonderful family.  I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.  Most of my friends are in relationships too, and being single again is kind of weird and awful sometimes.

What's working for me is getting back into the things I loved to do before I met my BPDexGf.  I'm an artist and I love to paint, but she just wasn't into art.  At all.  It wasn't like she actively discouraged my painting, but when the person whose opinion matters most to you just straight up doesn't care about your artistic creations, you become discouraged.  I hadn't painted in almost a year when we broke up, and I've been doing it non-stop since.  It feels good. 

Volunteering is a great idea.  You'll meet new people, and you'll get to change life for the better. 

[BorderlineMagnet]

That emptiness is something we all feel. We were addicted to our ex's in some way basically. Mine was extremely loving, kind, and we always had fun together. Every single time we hung out we had a great time. She was not a hater BPD, she was a runner who didn't feel worthy of a kind, loving, stable relationship. It's been awful without her. There are so many days (and it's not even a month that she initiated NC yet) that I just wanna text her or email her and ask her how her day was, and how her kids are doing. But since she asked me not to, I'm respecting that. But I'm also stuck thinking maybe she wants me to, as some BPD's want the exact opposite of what they tell you. That empty feeling needs to be filled with activities like people here are suggesting. My previous BPD ex before the current one took my love of working out away. I had to be her caretaker basically, and she was jealous of the gym. I've dived head first back into my routine, coupled with a strict diet, and now I'm in better shape than I was at my peak 5 years ago. It's liberating. And in a way it's also a jab at the current ex. She was obsessed with my body before, now I imagine if she's snuck a peek at my FB page and saw my update pix, she's probably experiencing some even deeper core shame regrets. Living well doesn't have to be for revenge though, it can just be for a better you too.

[Zena321]

Thank you ALL for your Posts and I thought I was the only one with this devasting emptiness and lonliness . I don't have any family either except a sister across the country who doesn't get it she has been in a Happy Relationship and tells me to just forget him he was a jerk etc. I hardly talk to her anyway because she is so Narcassistic when we talk its all about her what she has done,bought,where her next vacation is blah blah blah .

Myself I have almost lost my home a few times since H left and wouldn't throw me a dime and my sister who lives well above her means never offered a dime . I know if things were reversered I'd have helped her a hundred times over.

Anyway Its been almost 5 years since my husband has had his new GF living with him in OUR House and I haven't wanted to find or trust anyone as much as I miss being part of a couple . I honestly think I am now the crazy one .

He quit his job suddenly back in NOV so no more insurance so I had to stop therapy also .

[causticdork]

Anyway Its been almost 5 years since my husband has had his new GF living with him in OUR House and I haven't wanted to find or trust anyone as much as I miss being part of a couple . I honestly think I am now the crazy one .

He quit his job suddenly back in NOV so no more insurance so I had to stop therapy also .

I don't know if it's the same in other towns, but where I live you can go to the local university and get therapy from final year PhD students.  These are not some wet behind the ears 19-year-old college kids.  They're working on getting their doctorates and they are supervised by psychology professors.  The cost is on a sliding scale from free to a maximum of $30 a session.  Maybe there's something like that near you.  They really helped out a friend of mine who was struggling and out of work a few years back, and she was paying five bucks per hour session. 

[Hurt llama]

Do we ALSO feel the void? Do they feel the void is my question?

And dollars to donuts they fill that void faster than we can even think about it.

And yes, to your question the Void is what we feel.

And speaking for myself after more drinks than planned... .   with two kids grown or growing up, a life to dream for ... .   I ask myself... .   "why do I even care or would I want a partner again?"

And maybe the trick for me at least is to really let it go... .   and fill that 'void' with my work (art) with my friends, with my family and with a lover or two that I have on the back burner... . and live =this amazing life and screw the idea of this bs fake complicated impossible garbage... .  

Yeah... .   I hope she 'feels' the freaking void too.

What was the question?

Sorry to vent in your thread! 

[Zena321]

Thanks for the info . I could look into that , I am in the suburbs so no colleges or universities nearby all over an hour away. I am and have been disabled since '01 so I am on a very limited income and H quit his job because he actually applied for S.S. and was approved so he quit a great paying job with great benefits for a crappy S.S. check and he qualified for state insurance . I didn't because I had medicare which covers nothing and his insurance was my primary before he quit. Now his GF will probably support him .

I could check the very few satellite colleges that are closer 45 min. away if I were a church person I 'd have checked into that but I am not.

[Surrender]

In all of this it is difficult when we consider the concept of what is 'fair'. As for my ex he stopped communicating with all his friends (who most of which are his sexual exes) and renewed his lost connections with exuberance. I am the one left hurting and trying to find a way to move on but from what I see he is living it up and appears 'relieved' by it all even though one week prior he was planning our marriage. You tell me what is fair here... .   I honestly think that in the end my heart doesn't want him to suffer but I don't want to suffer either. I'd like us both to find some happiness but I know I need to find a state of mind that isn't despair.

It is hard seeing the light in what I perceive to be a black room. Hard thinking there will be 'another' that will captivate my heart the way he did. Hard to believe that there is another I can be and feel 'one' with. Hard to believe... .   just damn hard to believe.

But I have to give myself a chance and believe that this entire experience was for something good. I just can't see it right now but maybe one day I will.

For now I remain haunted and struggling with everything in me to move on. And yes feeling that void is only exaggerated by not having family and almost no 'real' friends so every sinking feeling feels more like drowning. It's interesting because people always want to be around me but in my life I have noted that real friendships are hard to come by.

In the end maybe it's something like Hurt llama said, if we live life expecting the very least then maybe we stand a chance.

I sit here questioning much of life and purpose. I question this journey and simply can only hope for something surprising and lovely. If we were truly defeated then we wouldn't be looking for answers or to understand perhaps the greatest anomaly in the realm of personal relationships. Through what ever limited insight I have at this moment of grieving I can at the very least know that I am striving to understand in order for me to put one foot in front of another and give myself what has eluded me throughout this entire journey... .   a chance in life and even perhaps a greater understanding of Love and what that means in the way that I am treated.

[momtara]

I think it is normal for anyone going through a breakup - especially after an intense relationship - to feel loss.  In our case, we are leaving someone we loved, because of an illness, and that's really really unfair.  It robs us.  So of course we can feel empty. 

Some of us also may have been attracted to this type of person because of our own dependency issues, although not always.

I think if you feel alone, coming to this board may help.  Maybe there are even people in your area who would understand... .   I hate to see anyone lonely, but I realize that the relationship you lost can't be easily replaced.

I think we all second-guess ourselves for leaving because of what we're giving up.  As hard as the bad times were, sometimes it seemed okay to suffer through it to get to the good ones.  There are a lot of people in this world who are alone... .   sometimes it seemed better to put up with the BPD person even though in some ways it was awful.