Posted in Staying but... back to Leaving... no surprise...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Not a surprise... . here's my day... . and night

==

Some of you have read my posts that started here about 4 weeks ago in Leaving, later posting in Undecided and finally in Staying.

I made a decision to try again, knowing full well it most likely wouldn't work.

My ex BPD fiancee is in many ways a 'light' version of BPD, no rages, no addictionsand not a cheat in the classic way but she shares in common with many of the stories I read about with an extreme fear of abandonment.

She came to my city on Wednesday for the second round of talks for a desperately needed job. She seems to have gotten the job and it's probably more than a 50% increase in pay and is the perfect job for her. Also it would allow her to spend more time here and to work from her home as well (3 hour plane ride).

I have been very tuned in and looking at her ways of operating with even more awareness and trying to see her with all of the information about BPD that I have learned.

We are extremely compatible and very comfortable together almost always. She loves me ad says so constantly... . To the point it makes me uncomfortable... .   "I know you are not a perfect man but I love you. You are my soulmate>

She means it 100% and i do feel this way about her too. Yet to keep hearing it is just a bit disconcerting as I've always felt that people who have to say it so much either don't really mean it or they are insecure.

Anyway, we had a great two days... . perfect really. I told her that tomorrow (saturday) I have nice plans for us and lets make sure to have some fun.

She was sitting on the couch looking at her iPhone and says, "There is an important trade show tomorrow I really want to attend"

I was like, ok, no problem, I'd like to go with you... .   She replies "There is only one ticket."

I said, One ticket? who is inviting you? Is it x? (an ex bf and her twin sisters ex bf and it's a long story I have posted already

I am starting to get hot under the collar and say 'ARE YOU KDDING ME? YOU HAD LUNCH WITH HIM YESTERDAY? ENOUGH ALREADY!"

(all the things I 'learned' in Staying are out the window... .   I am furious... .

She lights up and says "ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?" THIS IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO!"

I say "No, I'm not breaking up wtih you" and i walk into the bathroom to cool down... . While there I start to think about the idea of her going to this event and how while she would not cheat on me, there is a history of her forming almost a back up plan and I can't get it out of my head that this guy will be her next guy "IF" I 'break up wtih her... .   Now this is admittedly a fantasy and yeah I truly do have PTSD from the one time she did cheat on me way back when and how she bounced between me and another guy and even now blames it on me for 'breaking up with her'.

I walk back into the living room and sit down and look at her and calmly say, "In the past you have always said I as 'breaking up with you' and it wasn't true... . You would do things to press my buttons and make me feel as though I want to... . but this time, I'll be clear... .   Yes, I am breaking up with you. It's over.

She's recently raised her medication to 20mg of Lexapro. Her taking medication to reduce her anxiety is a key component for her to get her life in order BUT the side effects of these darned meds is a definite increased detachement. They don't make people who are already cold fish any warmer and as expected she was calm cool and icy as she started packing her bags.

She has a place to stay in the event we had a fight and as she packed we did our best to speak about our feelings. For the most part it was very civlized... . I, as usual was the more animated one, as she calmly and cooly described her relationship history in revisionist ways to make her sound as if she's somewhat normal, when in fact, she is truly who she always told me she is... .   the Impossible Woman.

I walked her to a taxi, told her I loved her and gave her a brief hug and walked home... .

As I got there, there was this attractive single woman I had just met in my building walking into my building... . and I said, "Hey, I can use a drink... .   would you care to join me?' Just like that.

We went out for 4 hours and I had an incredible time... .   she picked up the dinner and drinks and would not hear a word of it as I had paid last time.

No, there is no happy ending here, just the end of a extremely draining day that started with a ridiculous amount of sex and sleeping and feeling like maybe I can finally be with my ex... . who I truly do love and loves me the same way. I give her that much... . Never has she deviated, never painted me black as I read (maybe grey?)... .

I just can't 'disown' a part of myself and let it go enough not to care about her so cavalierly and thoughtlessly not consider my feelings in not being invited to join her and not to understand and even acknowledge how I might feel.

I cannot get out of my mind... . I cannot, that this man is after her... . she did not disagree... . she said it didn't matter, she loved me... .

She emailed me just now "It's a networking opportunity for me. I would have been there and back before you were even dressed as it begins at 9:30 am and I had only planned on going for a few hours. "

I guess this was all a set up on my part... .   she is doing her best... .   and so was I... .

I'm spinning as expected.

thanks for reading.

[Hurt llama]

Not a surprise... . here's my day... . and night

==

Some of you have read my posts that started here about 4 weeks ago in Leaving, later posting in Undecided and finally in Staying.

I made a decision to try again, knowing full well it most likely wouldn't work.

My ex BPD fiancee is in many ways a 'light' version of BPD, no rages, no addictionsand not a cheat in the classic way but she shares in common with many of the stories I read about with an extreme fear of abandonment.

She came to my city on Wednesday for the second round of talks for a desperately needed job. She seems to have gotten the job and it's probably more than a 50% increase in pay and is the perfect job for her. Also it would allow her to spend more time here and to work from her home as well (3 hour plane ride).

I have been very tuned in and looking at her ways of operating with even more awareness and trying to see her with all of the information about BPD that I have learned.

We are extremely compatible and very comfortable together almost always. She loves me ad says so constantly... . To the point it makes me uncomfortable... .   "I know you are not a perfect man but I love you. You are my soulmate>

She means it 100% and i do feel this way about her too. Yet to keep hearing it is just a bit disconcerting as I've always felt that people who have to say it so much either don't really mean it or they are insecure.

Anyway, we had a great two days... . perfect really. I told her that tomorrow (saturday) I have nice plans for us and lets make sure to have some fun.

She was sitting on the couch looking at her iPhone and says, "There is an important trade show tomorrow I really want to attend"

I was like, ok, no problem, I'd like to go with you... .   She replies "There is only one ticket."

I said, One ticket? who is inviting you? Is it x? (an ex bf and her twin sisters ex bf and it's a long story I have posted already

I am starting to get hot under the collar and say 'ARE YOU KDDING ME? YOU HAD LUNCH WITH HIM YESTERDAY? ENOUGH ALREADY!"

(all the things I 'learned' in Staying are out the window... .   I am furious... .

She lights up and says "ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?" THIS IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO!"

I say "No, I'm not breaking up wtih you" and i walk into the bathroom to cool down... . While there I start to think about the idea of her going to this event and how while she would not cheat on me, there is a history of her forming almost a back up plan and I can't get it out of my head that this guy will be her next guy "IF" I 'break up wtih her... .   Now this is admittedly a fantasy and yeah I truly do have PTSD from the one time she did cheat on me way back when and how she bounced between me and another guy and even now blames it on me for 'breaking up with her'.

I walk back into the living room and sit down and look at her and calmly say, "In the past you have always said I as 'breaking up with you' and it wasn't true... . You would do things to press my buttons and make me feel as though I want to... . but this time, I'll be clear... .   Yes, I am breaking up with you. It's over.

She's recently raised her medication to 20mg of Lexapro. Her taking medication to reduce her anxiety is a key component for her to get her life in order BUT the side effects of these darned meds is a definite increased detachement. They don't make people who are already cold fish any warmer and as expected she was calm cool and icy as she started packing her bags.

She has a place to stay in the event we had a fight and as she packed we did our best to speak about our feelings. For the most part it was very civlized... . I, as usual was the more animated one, as she calmly and cooly described her relationship history in revisionist ways to make her sound as if she's somewhat normal, when in fact, she is truly who she always told me she is... .   the Impossible Woman.

I walked her to a taxi, told her I loved her and gave her a brief hug and walked home... .

As I got there, there was this attractive single woman I had just met in my building walking into my building... . and I said, "Hey, I can use a drink... .   would you care to join me?' Just like that.

We went out for 4 hours and I had an incredible time... .   she picked up the dinner and drinks and would not hear a word of it as I had paid last time.

No, there is no happy ending here, just the end of a extremely draining day that started with a ridiculous amount of sex and sleeping and feeling like maybe I can finally be with my ex... . who I truly do love and loves me the same way. I give her that much... . Never has she deviated, never painted me black as I read (maybe grey?)... .

I just can't 'disown' a part of myself and let it go enough not to care about her so cavalierly and thoughtlessly not consider my feelings in not being invited to join her and not to understand and even acknowledge how I might feel.

I cannot get out of my mind... . I cannot, that this man is after her... . she did not disagree... . she said it didn't matter, she loved me... .

She emailed me just now "It's a networking opportunity for me. I would have been there and back before you were even dressed as it begins at 9:30 am and I had only planned on going for a few hours. "

I guess this was all a set up on my part... .   she is doing her best... .   and so was I... .

I'm spinning as expected.

thanks for reading.

[momtara]

I don't know your whole story, but is it possible that you were the one overreacting this time?  YOu seem to have reacted based on a lot of possibilities, like he MAY be her next lover, or whatever.  What if it's truly innocent?  What if maybe she just wanted some apart time? 

[Hurt llama]

I don't know your whole story, but is it possible that you were the one overreacting this time?  YOu seem to have reacted based on a lot of possibilities, like he MAY be her next lover, or whatever.  What if it's truly innocent?  What if maybe she just wanted some apart time? 

yes, clearly I was over reacting. I'm not trying to paint her as a villainous. I've tried too hard since day one really... .   and I have never recovered for her seeing me and someone else right from the get go and still she blurs the story and blames it on me 'leaving her' which never happened. SHe did modify that to 'feeling like I was leaving her'.

What I need from her... .   well it's not fair really... . She can't give it and I don't and cant accept it... .   and really I don't think I should be with her and I don't respect myself for having accepted the sick vile stuff she's done in the past... .

And she has chased me always really and I finally went back to see her in October... . and then during Hurricane Sandy she ice cold dropped me with a text, "no easy way to say this, but I am back with x"

And I recovered and she has always maintained her complete total love for me... .   a love that is immature and a bit ridiculous to think it can (or should) survive mistreatment.

Yet I do agree that I did over react but I cannot reconcile watching this... .   and I have lived a fair amount of time by my gut instincts ad they are rarely wrong... .   and sure she is not cheating or dating anyone else and won't but it's too much to accept and watch her going with this ex who she destroyed (her twin's bf btw) ... .  

THere is too much dysfunction going on... .   I needed just some empathy and understanding that i never go and of course will never get if I am yelling for it.

It's just a lousy situation and I accept that this was my own doing.

I can't be different as at the core of me... .   I don't think I should.

[Clearmind]

Hurt, I was disappointed numerous times by my ex - in hindsight some of it was my doing and some of it his! Needless to say he had a history of triangulating (read definition) with ex's in particular and clocking up some new ones.

We stuck to each other like glue - he to me because he knew if he was left unattended he would stray and me to him because I never once felt like I trusted him.

What ended up happening towards the end was complete exhaustion on my part - I did not allow myself to go out without him because I didn't want him to think that he could then go out without me! Boy it was unhealthy.

Trust is MASSIVE part of a relationship and RESPECT is the other - no matter how I reacted towards the end about my ex's triangulating (read definition) - it did not surmount to the events through out the relationship.

I reacted BIG time at the end of my r/s - it was a whole relationship's worth of pent up frustration --- coming out in full force.

I'm saying Hurt, that once trust is gone it really is hard to gain it back. There are likely to be other things in your relationship that you will question - and that is OK - in time I am sure you will come out the other side more enlightened.

You now know what you don't want.

[laelle]

I think sometimes there is just too much hurt in the history of the relationship to ever be able to return to it and not be suspicious, scared, and have all those emotions that were brought out during the course of  previous attempts at the relationship played over and over.  I love my ex boyfriend, and hell if I could  have a trusting, loving relationship with him I would.  So many hurtful things have been said and done that I cant come back from it.  If I did, I could never trust.  Without trust, you dont really stand a chance.  Its the cornerstone of any relationship.

I think maybe you could have overacted a bit, but its completely normal to have reactionary responses after all you have been through.

In the end you have to decide if you can live like that.  On pins and needles.  It seems from your reaction your heart and your head are at odds.

As I have said lately "My heart is broken right now and mending, so I will let my head lead me for a while"  It sounds like youve done a good job of it by stopping things in their tracks.

[causticdork]

Yep, I agree with the other responders here.  Sure, you probably overreacted to this specific situation, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have ended things.  When someone violates your trust, especially when they do it repeatedly, it will eat away at your relationship.  My ex and I split because she couldn't deal with my lack of trust even though she had spent our entire relationship lying to me.  The actual reason for our break-up (as in the last argument we got in before I finally said it was over) was something pretty minor as well.  She still tries to guilt me when we talk now about how she can't believe I broke up with her over something so petty.  What she refuses to understand is that I broke up with her over many things that happened over the course of our relationship, and that silly little thing just happened to be what pushed me beyond the point of wanting to try and fix things anymore.

This man is not the problem.  Maybe he's after her and maybe he's not, but you had a healthy and trusting relationship it wouldn't matter how many guys tried to woo her away.  She violated your trust and hasn't done nearly enough to earn it back, and as a result your relationship can't ever be healthy.   That doesn't mean you can't both go on to have happy, healthy relationships with other people.  Just that you can't be healthy together.

Stay strong, keep your head up.  Sounds like you're doing pretty okay. 

[WalrusGumboot]

Hurt llama,

Men were always after my xBPDw. She was a very beautiful woman with cat eyes. The thing I refused to believe while married (at least until I learned about BPD) was that she was thriving on this attention and encouraged it in ways that became clear once I divorced and started learning some things about her that I never knew.

So we know they like to have somebody "on deck" so it all makes sense, but is not any kind of foundation to build a relationship relationship based on trust, you know?

I know all about gut feel. You had your gut feeling and it was probably right, so you responded probably in a manner which I would as well. Trust... . so difficult to earn and so easily burned.

[mitchell16]

Im my opinion an dI could be wrong but based on my experience with mine. It was a set up. It was dont to get a reaction out of you and it gave her the excuse to do what she wanted to do and make you be the bad gut. Just my opinion. based on my expereince, my ex would come home from wok and tell me about all teh men at her job that was hitting on her and one in particular was one she had a fling with before we staretd seeing each other.  So she would tell me all things that were said, when I got mad or angry about it. First thing she ould do is tell me I was just to jealous and controlling. I started not saying anything and the stories would get bigger and better. To I finally ahd enough and would say something, same thing. It finally stopped when i would not saying anything. But then it would be something else. even if she wasnt doing something she liked to make me think she was. Complete set up. If she had a function to go to but didnt want to go she would start a fight, even if I didnt saying back she would get fighting made. call up her freinds and cancell and blame it on us fighting. I was always the fall guy. no matter what I did. If it wasnt a set up, why did she leave and tehn explain it. If she truly wanted to work on the realtionship she would ahve relized her behaviors ahd caused insecurties and she would understand and want you to feel comfortable. which would require her to explain. and you said she had  once, its my experience. You cheat once, most of the time you will cheat again. I base this from my own experience.

[laelle]

If she truly wanted to work on the realtionship she would ahve relized her behaviors ahd caused insecurties and she would understand and want you to feel comfortable.

If she is BPD, she doesnt have the capacity to genuinely understand rational, compromise, or even to understand her own behavior. She can learn how she should respond from mirroring other people, but she doesnt "Really" get it because she is irrational and can not see grey areas (compromise).  She can only see him /you in regards to how it affects her.  What she gets out of it.

Its not intentional, its just the way they are.

[Clearmind]

If she truly wanted to work on the realtionship she would ahve relized her behaviors ahd caused insecurties and she would understand and want you to feel comfortable.

If she is BPD, she doesnt have the capacity to genuinely understand rational, compromise, or even to understand her own behavior. She can learn how she should respond from mirroring other people, but she doesnt "Really" get it because she is irrational and can not see grey areas (compromise).  She can only see him /you in regards to how it affects her.  What she gets out of it.

Its not intentional, its just the way they are.

spot on

[Hurt llama]

If she truly wanted to work on the realtionship she would ahve relized her behaviors ahd caused insecurties and she would understand and want you to feel comfortable.

If she is BPD, she doesnt have the capacity to genuinely understand rational, compromise, or even to understand her own behavior. She can learn how she should respond from mirroring other people, but she doesnt "Really" get it because she is irrational and can not see grey areas (compromise).  She can only see him /you in regards to how it affects her.  What she gets out of it.

Its not intentional, its just the way they are.

Thank you everyone for posting in this thread. I have been out with new friends all day, after waking up and having to take a Xanax just to go out... . which left me exhausted but at a social function and had a drink with no food and felt like I was in a dream... . as my ex BPD sent me a nice email about what she was doing today in the city... . I actually emailed her to join me at this function... . and she disappeared and didn't respond which is just as well.

She is BPD and as you rightfully point out she does not have the capacity to 'get it' and there in lies the obvious problem... . She cannot get it and me saying it 10 ways till Sunday or louder only makes it worse... . We were always a timebomb waiting to go off.

This trip as I suspected I started watching and listening closer than ever... .   how she would over over and over say almost to herself, "You really love me" and how much she loved me... . 10x a day or more. Instinctively it didn't make me comfortable and I said to her, "are you trying to convince yourself?" To which she replied... . "Maybe"

The healing process has started and in away, by finally making the commitment to her to be her boyfriend was part of that process... . that lasted less than 36 hours.

I've learned so much and I have never been able to kick the habit of her for almost 6 years... . almost daily even if either of us were dating.

I'm very far from being in the clear. I still have that wish, that hope that she will 'get it and reach out yet again and she usually doesn't as I always do first.

I feel guilty saying this but... .   bottom line... . SHe's sick. SHe's mentally ill. She's deeply damaged from being abandoned at 3 years old by her mother who gave her and her two sisters to her ex husband as she remarried. The father sexually abused her older sister on a regular basis and finally when she was about 9 years old she reunited with her mother... . Her twin sister is also clearly BPD.

To 'get over' this, to heal, has just not happened in traditional therapy as there was no real discussion or even casual diagnosis of the fact I was with a BPD persona... . And I hate to lay this on my ex as it's not fair but the damage done to me by her truly crazy making behaviour is not something I can just get over.

And yes of course I was there too and have/had my own issues. I was a prime target for her. I stepped into this in a combination Perfect Storm.

What I am starting to do is take stock of who I used to be and give myself the freedom to not own too much of the fact that I have been in a sick damaging hurtful and well... . insane relationship... .   Subtle compared to most of what I read here. No addictions, no rages, nothing so obvious but the same 'vibe' seems to permeate throughout all of the stories.

That i was dealing with the equivalent of an abused and abandoned dog or cat... . Some can be rescued and some might adapt and be ok, and some just can adapt only so much.

The powers it would have taken to abandone a piece of myself in order to be with this damaged soul, I am just not capable of doing.

ANd I own my part of the equation. that there was something oddly fulfilling in being in a relationship that would never give me the safety I kept saying I needed and wanted... . And that I was intoxicated by her and her external looks, the challenge of being with her, the pride of being with not only a very attractive woman but a woman that was almost impossible to please... . and she was mine... . she was 100% into me as I was into her. BPD or not I finally did see her true love. Unfortunately, she lacks the ability to be with any partner and well... .   to be perfectly honest, yes, it does give me some satisfaction to know she will never ever be happy for more than a short time.

Now it's time to heal... .   to get strong. To realize she will be with another man so fast it will be sickening to my core to hear it yet again... .   and she will happily say to me, "Yes, I am with X and I never would have been if I were with you"

Traditionally I reach out over and over, as cutting her off is akin to heroin addiction.

I am at risk right now.

Thanks for reading this rambling vent.

[Hurt llama]

Im my opinion an dI could be wrong but based on my experience with mine. It was a set up. It was dont to get a reaction out of you and it gave her the excuse to do what she wanted to do and make you be the bad gut. Just my opinion. based on my expereince, my ex would come home from wok and tell me about all teh men at her job that was hitting on her and one in particular was one she had a fling with before we staretd seeing each other.  So she would tell me all things that were said, when I got mad or angry about it. First thing she ould do is tell me I was just to jealous and controlling. I started not saying anything and the stories would get bigger and better. To I finally ahd enough and would say something, same thing. It finally stopped when i would not saying anything. But then it would be something else. even if she wasnt doing something she liked to make me think she was. Complete set up. If she had a function to go to but didnt want to go she would start a fight, even if I didnt saying back she would get fighting made. call up her freinds and cancell and blame it on us fighting. I was always the fall guy. no matter what I did. If it wasnt a set up, why did she leave and tehn explain it. If she truly wanted to work on the realtionship she would ahve relized her behaviors ahd caused insecurties and she would understand and want you to feel comfortable. which would require her to explain. and you said she had  once, its my experience. You cheat once, most of the time you will cheat again. I base this from my own experience.

THank you. And I don't care what she says about it really. Maybe I over reacted but no, it was not ok. Whether she did it consciously or not (she didn't I am sure), makes no difference. How many times do I have to watch the same movie and expect a different ending?

I am part of the insanity and how could I ever meet a woman to be in a relationship with all of this in one way or another playing in the background?

The only woman I was with after we ended a few years ago in a fireball of epic proportions was 1/2 my age, better looking that my ex BPD and 10x more dangerous. I did so knowing what I was doing... . that I thought I was clever to go deep into the darkness to gain some sort of 'mastery' and yes, after two years of that insanity, I have mostly healed... . but the original pain with my crazy ( sorry but it does make me feel better to refer to her this way... . weak i know ) never healed as she got me to see her again last NYE and she seems to have forgotten that I said I would not see her if she was with anyone.

I guess she forgot to throw out the trash which had a used condom in it... .

FUnny for a woman so uptight and bizarrely sexual to have had sex with a 'friend' the DAY before I came there, to be so casual as to not throw out the trash.

Even to write this causes my palms to be cold and sweaty.

After than experience I kept my word that I might see her I might maintain connection but I would never commit to her again... .   up until 48 hours ago.

Her face is blank when I mention the condom incident... . and her version makes it sound like she is perfectly healthy and normal... . and of course she would never cheat on me and we never had an agreement.

Crazy making.

and now what do I do to heal.

Is it time to check in for treatment?

Man o man o man... .   I did all this willingly, knowing the risks and really probably the outcome.

But one thing I AM resolute in is KNOWING that I didn't just dodge a bullet, I took away the gun and I stared crazy in the eye and flatly told her, her worst nightmare... .   "YES. I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU"

forgive me if I call her some bad names here. I guess it's part of the process.

[laelle]

The powers it would have taken to abandon a piece of myself in order to be with this damaged soul, I am just not capable of doing.

Listen to yourself.

If you were trying to tame a beautiful white stallion you would fall on your face many times as she throws you off.  In your head you think, this will all be worth it, because one day that stallion will understand and trust me.  She will stop throwing me off.

Your White Stallion can not be tamed.  She doesnt have the capacity to understand your need to ride her or to trust you.  She only knows her need to run freely and throw anyone off who gets too close.  

She will always accept the food and water given to her because she needs those to survive, but she gains no trust from your actions, she only sees that you have enabled her to run further and maybe a little faster.

Its futile... .   but they are indeed beautiful creatures to behold.

Remember her in that way.  She cant be what you want her to be.  I am sure she would if she could.

It doesnt change that fact that you need more, and she isnt capable of giving it.   

[Hurt llama]

The powers it would have taken to abandon a piece of myself in order to be with this damaged soul, I am just not capable of doing.

Listen to yourself.

If you were trying to tame a beautiful white stallion you would fall on your face many times as she throws you off.  In your head you think, this will all be worth it, because one day that stallion will understand and trust me.  She will stop throwing me off.

Your White Stallion can not be tamed.  She doesnt have the capacity to understand your need to ride her or to trust you.  She only knows her need to run freely and throw anyone off who gets too close.  

She will always accept the food and water given to her because she needs those to survive, but she gains no trust from your actions, she only sees that you have enabled her to run further and maybe a little faster.

Its futile... .   but they are indeed beautiful creatures to behold.

Remember her in that way.  She cant be what you want her to be.  I am sure she would if she could.

It doesnt change that fact that you need more, and she isnt capable of giving it.  

You can't know how spot on you are! She (and I) refer to her in EXACTLY the same way. She is the sign of the Horse and the year is Fire... .   Fire Horse... .   1966. Not an accident that the highest rate of abortions in China is the year of the Fire Horse... . Not making this up... .   and no, not suggesting that aborting her would have been a good thing... .   (right?) . (NO OFFENSE to any born in that year! )

But your analogy is so correct it gave me chills. Thank for you posting it and well... . it's only a matter of time before I send her what you wrote... .   (without the source of course)... .  

My ex BPD referred to herself as "Undomesticable"... . and she was right.

[laelle]

What good will it do to send it to her?  To her it will sound like an insult.  She does not have the grey area to be able to get positive meaning out of it. She wont get it the way it is meant.  If you want to be done with the madness, take the madness out of your life.  Why play with the same match that keeps burning you?  

[Hurt llama]

What good will it do to send it to her?  To her it will sound like an insult.  She does not have the grey area to be able to get positive meaning out of it. She wont get it the way it is meant.  If you want to be done with the madness, take the madness out of your life.  Why play with the same match that keeps burning you?  

No, she won't actually take it as an insult at all. She will actually like it. I know her that well and I don't mean it as an insult either... .   I think it's actually beautiful in it's clarity and truth. We spoke of her as a wild horse most of the time... . And the poor thing (i vacillate between compassion and disgust) really does get that she is this impossible horse.

More importantly, I am reducing and hopefully eliminating her from my daily thought an life... . and I know i can't do that all at once... . but I feel like everything that has happened in the last month or two has actually gotten me to where I needed to be long ago... . and if there is winning, then I have won. I made the calls, I made the decisions and I got what I wanted and I ended it in plain english and civilized action.

I am humble though and know there is work to be done to ensure the vampire is not invited back into my home... . and I place the odds of her knocking on my door again as extremely high. I'm scared but I am secure in knowing I am capable of slipping but I am not capable of falling. It just can't happen. Of this I am positive. I can take a thousand cuts and suffer them all, but she can't kill me. Ever. I reserve that power for myself.  

I'm tired of her... . The excitement is wearing off... .   I don't feel the same old 'tug'. Something is changing. It actually is.

PS: I am a photographer... . and my most recent and most popular image is of a horse... . Specifically a horse being lead by a man... . it's her favorite image and she asked me many times to please send it to her and I promised I would. I'll send you a pm to a link to this image. I think you will appreciate it for what it is.

Love these words : She cant be what you want her to be.  I am sure she would if she could.

It doesnt change that fact that you need more, and she isnt capable of giving it.   

[syz]

seriously if she had no history of cheating then i'd say you were over reacting but since she did I'd say not.  I don't care if she had BPD or not.  Basically when you've cheated and you want your relationship to work out somewhat new rules have to apply to you as the cheater.  Not hanging out with the opposite sex (because you aren't really a trustworthy person and your word is crap) is a good way to start showing boundaries. 

This was a case of bad boundaries on her part.  And totally being insensitive.  I just believe different standards apply to cheaters until they've earned back most of the trust 100% is impossible but its doable to get most back with a perfect record after 3-5 years. 

[laelle]

I dunno, I think he held his boundaries together very well.  She is BPD, she eats boundaries for breakfast, you cant expect her to have any. 

He cant control her.

His boundary was that he would not be in a relationship with someone who hangs around with other men and has no respect for his feelings.

He enforced it.

I cant find anything wrong in that.  I only hope he thinks about that bargaining phase I talked to him about.

[Hurt llama]

seriously if she had no history of cheating then i'd say you were over reacting but since she did I'd say not.  I don't care if she had BPD or not.  Basically when you've cheated and you want your relationship to work out somewhat new rules have to apply to you as the cheater.  Not hanging out with the opposite sex (because you aren't really a trustworthy person and your word is crap) is a good way to start showing boundaries. 

This was a case of bad boundaries on her part.  And totally being insensitive.  I just believe different standards apply to cheaters until they've earned back most of the trust 100% is impossible but its doable to get most back with a perfect record after 3-5 years. 

It's almost worse than cheating. It's as if I am supposed to have no feelings and watch her being with someone she cheated with and who she actually destroyed when he called her by her sister's name in bed and she broke up with him as a result. The coupe de grace being when he wanted to meet and try to work it out, she brought another male friend intentionally to play with his mind.

Why do I even know this?

She's a disgusting sicko to have done this... .   and I was supposed to be cool with not only her going with him but being excluded in other social events that were happening.

I did the right thing and as I posted, it was the time to listen to the voice in my head that I have ignored and stop this before another set up happens right in front of me... . She would not cheat with him, odds are doubtful, that's not her thing really, but what she does do is 'groom' her next one and have him in place so that when I ultimately get sick of her selfish disgusting ways and have a fight, she's all set up and ready to go with him. The writing was on the wall. And all this is happening as she is more madly in love with me than I've ever seen. WHich makes the entire thing seem so much less possible.

Yet when I think of it this way, I can make a case that there might be a way that as a RESULT of her finally getting me to commit to being her official boyfriend, it also triggers her to further develope the next victim to go to.

I feel a certainty that this man will be back in bed with her without a question of a doubt and the idea that she will be with him or anyone and near me is something that is so sickening it's hard to even think about. The only saving grace in the past was her living a 3 hour plane ride away... . Now I believe she is going to be living here for two months doing training.

I want to vomit thinking she will be nearby and knows my favorite watering hold which I go to most nights.

Would she be demented enough to bring him there?

One would think it's not possible but to not be prepared for that and or her reaching towards me again and even setting me up to hurt me just has all the underpinnings of an almost satantic evil move.

In other words... . Even though she's never done this to me, she is certainly capable of it.

Yuck. That would not be nice. But just has that ring of truth. Brrr.

[Hurt llama]

On that note, I emailed her just now. We have been friends through thick and thin since we met. I know everyone here would encourage me to end that if it's possible... .

I sent her this and I know I might be showing some of my cards but I'm more comfortable being clear and direct and she does respect me and i hope she's not crazy enough to seek me out just to either get me back or to upset me with someone else... .   I probably am paranoid to think she would do this... . She is not a drama queen this way. I've never seen her do such things other than in the story mentioned above... . I like that I am so direct and that i mention this other guy in context. While it's 'hard' to believe she would be with him, it's harder to believe she won't have a romantic relationship with him in my city. I think I made the best decision in a very long time to cut her off ice cold straight and direct as I did. Thank God. The idea of having to think about her doing her usual sickness and experiencing it is just about the worst thing I can think about it. She overplayed her cards with me. I ended her in ice cold fashion even before she drew her weapon. That's about as good as it gets.

In the email I've made a big decision. I want her out of my life. Completely. If I can be strong enough (and I never was) this is the time.

To stay in touch with my anger. To feel justified for dropping her sick self for the specific reason I did and not to feel guilty for over reacting. No, I didn't over react. I reacted perfectly, quickly, directly and crystal clearly. Her decision to see this man and how she did it and said it and how she jumped down my throat with no empathy, softness or anything tells me all I needed to know.

Sorry to start a Sunday this way but she is a disgusting POS and a dangerous hurtful nightmare. I'm pulling off the last of the veeneer and seeing her for the monster she is. THere's a time and a place for feeling sorry for someone but that time and place isn't here and now.

Regardless after reading and writing here so much yesterday, I awoke with a different kind of feeling... .   this is the kind of feeling I didn't usually have with her, it's more of an 'animal' feeling of just not wanting to get hurt again. And as I started posting, the 'appeal' of her as I process all of what happened is less, less and less.

And I simply don't like what she did and trust her in this regard with this other man zero percent. It just has the perfect ring of all elements of setting up the next one almost exactly as she was solidifying her relationship with me.

No, it's enough.

Can it be the spell is broken? There's not been a day I didn't love her since i met her... . I'm not feeling as I love her now.

===

thank you for the email and i know you will pay me back as soon as you are able. Besides the $xxxx it's about another $500 or so.

Of course using Pay Pal is best.

Not trying to be mean but just to be clear and to protect myself and even you, When you do come to XXXX, I would appreciate not knowing. It's a big city and I hope you enjoy it during probably the best time of year. If possible I would appreciate steering clear of my watering hole and not bringing clients or even showing up yourself. It would be potentially disturbing and awkward for either of us and for any partners we might be with. I'm sure you understand.

But if I ran into you randomly, well as romantic as it sounds, I hope it actually never happens.

I never met X and have no desire to meet him or whomever you land on next.

sorry to be so blunt. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach and it was the reason I went into protective mode which i should have done many years ago.

I don't want a friend relationship with you anymore. It's been rather one sided you might agree and there's nothing good for me there anymore.

As usual, best of luck. You won't even need it.

[Hurt llama]

I dunno, I think he held his boundaries together very well.  She is BPD, she eats boundaries for breakfast, you cant expect her to have any. 

He cant control her.

His boundary was that he would not be in a relationship with someone who hangs around with other men and has no respect for his feelings.

He enforced it.

I cant find anything wrong in that.  I only hope he thinks about that bargaining phase I talked to him about.

PM's to you and from you were the last things I read before sleeping... .   and as you can see by my posts I just made, sleeping on all of this didn't soften me up on her. Exactly the opposite in fact.

As expected her actions which lead to me summarily executing her metaphysically (i sorta like the image ) will not age well with me. In fact, my feelings will continue to harden as I see her for the disgusting woman that she is. Disgusting sounds harsh and hard but her actions,not just with me but with her family have cost her her own daughter who refused to live with her. I know I should (and deep down am) be compassionate and that my ex is a true victime of horrors no child or family should endure but to try to be so altruistic has not served me well in the past. In fact, my own natural empathy, sympathy and good heart have only made me that much more of an appealing target for her to get into and attempt to destroy.

Not feeling the love and don't want to feel hate either... .

I want her memory gone and I have a hunch in time it will be.

[Hurt llama]

She called and left a beautiful message this morning. Not reaching for me again... . that wasn't really the problem with us... .   In fact it was me reaching for her 10x more... .   and as expected, I emailed her a few times, and asked her to not call me anymore.

Yet I called and left her some inane message how I wished I were really old... .   95 years old with no more energy for fighting and how I would like to be her friend in that scenario... .

but it's funny to imagine that my 85 year old BPD ex fiancee at that time will probably be a great friend and yet still go to lunch with my doctor and have sex with him. After all, we're not in a relationship and what's the problem.