Thinking about sending a Goodbye letter?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I started writing a goodbye letter. I don't want to mention BPD because I know how well that will go over. I don't even know if I will send it.

We have all had close to the same experiences... .   What would you add?



"There is so much I want to say to you. I know you will not listen.

There is so much I want to still experience with you. So many places I want to see with you. I will not get the chance.

I want to take away the pain you feel inside. I don’t know how.

I want to fill the emptiness you feel. I don’t know how.

I want to reach out my hand to help you but I know it will just get slapped away.

I want you to know that I will not leave you. I can’t stop you from leaving me.

I want you to know that I love even though you said you no longer love me.

I care about you even though you don’t care about me anymore.

We all make mistakes. It’s ok to love someone that makes mistakes. It’s ok not to be perfect. I want you to know that I accept you.

I have not lied to you. I have not cheated on you. I have not betrayed you.

Your past did not matter to me. The time you spent with me did.

I cannot fix what I have not broken. I can only mend my wounds.

My heart will eventually heal and you will always have a special part in it.

I forgive you even though I may never send this letter and you will never know.

I wish you well.

I love you

Goodbye"

[AJwhatThe]

I started writing a goodbye letter. I don't want to mention BPD because I know how well that will go over. I don't even know if I will send it.

We have all had close to the same experiences... .   What would you add?



"There is so much I want to say to you. I know you will not listen.

There is so much I want to still experience with you. So many places I want to see with you. I will not get the chance.

I want to take away the pain you feel inside. I don’t know how.

I want to fill the emptiness you feel. I don’t know how.

I want to reach out my hand to help you but I know it will just get slapped away.

I want you to know that I will not leave you. I can’t stop you from leaving me.

I want you to know that I love even though you said you no longer love me.

I care about you even though you don’t care about me anymore.

We all make mistakes. It’s ok to love someone that makes mistakes. It’s ok not to be perfect. I want you to know that I accept you.

I have not lied to you. I have not cheated on you. I have not betrayed you.

Your past did not matter to me. The time you spent with me did.

I cannot fix what I have not broken. I can only mend my wounds.

My heart will eventually heal and you will always have a special part in it.

I forgive you even though I may never send this letter and you will never know.

I wish you well.

I love you

Goodbye"

[laelle]

Its better to just send that letter to yourself.

As you say in the letter, your ex wont get it.  Does it matter that she know that you are no longer able to have a relationship with her but you still love her?  When they know your abandonment is final, they stop caring.  They have to to protect themselves.

Its way too personal (giving too much of some deep emotions) and the spirit of it says ANYTHING but good bye even tho the words say it.

If she has left you or left her and you mean goodbye, there is no need to say goodbye.  She probably wont give you the closure that you are needing by sending that letter.  More than likely it will end up with you losing the ground you made in saying goodbye in the first place and feeling hurt.

I dont know your ex, but mine would think I was weak, and still fair game, and could quickly turn that letter around on me if he wanted.

The things they like about you are also the things they hate and are jealous of you for because they dont have it.

Goodbye is Goodbye.  If you cant be in the relationship.  Let go with dignity and value for yourself.  Your worth it.

[One2TheOther]

I agree with the posts above. She won't understand it. You might as well have wrote it in a foreign language.

[NiceGuy83]

I wrote something similar for my recent BPD ex-gf.  A little note, that essentially said goodbye.

She read it in front of me.  And do you know what she did... .   she smiled.

Then she came over, and hugged me, and said 'I'm so glad we can stay friends.'

I hadn't said we could stay friends; she'd seen my vulnerability and it had made her happy!  She'd read into it, 'I can keep my hooks in him.  I still control him.  Therefore I can feel good because i am worth something.'

Don't send the letter.  You're seeking the empathy that YOU can give.  She won't give it back, and you'll hurt more.  Keep reading.  Keep talking on here.  True acceptance is not acceptance that she has a problem, or acceptance of her behaviour... .   it is acceptance that the relationship has/had to end, and that this is a good thing.  It is acceptance that you can no longer help her (you never really could), and that it is time to help yourself.

[Surnia]

Hi AJwT

I feel with you about sharing a goodbye! 

I agree with others. write a letter, a goodby letter and do not send it. Write it for your self. Or you can post a copy here.

Writing letters can be a important step toward let go and healing.

[AJwhatThe]

Thank you for your responses. I have to rethink what I thought I would accomplish buy even thinking about sending such a letter. After 7 weeks of leaving her house I still don’t have my belongings. She ignored all the requests I made to simply allow me to come with a large truck and people she knows to get my things. She always makes ridicules demands (on how I have to proceed to get my stuff)to maintain control. The police have been involved and she is smart enough to have sent the right paperwork with enough insinuations against me so that the police will now only help with a judge appointed court order. She has no friends with the police but they have to “cover their behinds” because of the papertrail.

I am not quite through with her. I won’t be until I have my things back. I think I am trying to think ahead. I am trying to project how I can say goodbye. Crap……... . I don’t know what I am trying to do.

Like so many other people here my emotions and rational/logic mind are in conflict.

You are all right... .   I am trying to rationalize with someone that is irrational

[elessar]

AJ,

I have written letters dozens of times. the most beautiful of letters, heart felt poems. i have written to them for years whenever she has split me black and been angry for God knows what reason. heck man, I still do. still sent a letter last month.

But... .   it is never a good idea. First, it gives them power and control over you. Second, it validates their thinking that you did something wrong, therefore you are trying to make it up.

Funny how we don't listen to our own advice. Here I am telling you one thing... .   since yesterday been thinking about writing a letter to her... .  

If you want to send it for your own closure and expect to hear nothing in return, then go ahead. but do not expect anything magical to come out of it. i would say there is a 50/50 chance she will not reply or act nice. and i know how that niceness ends too.

[sunrising]

Deciding whether or not to send these types of letters is so difficult.  I've done it with mixed results as far as her reply goes: Sometimes no reply, sometimes a kind reply, sometimes nasty.  What I've come to believe is that her reply had nothing to do with the letter or what it said.  Her reply depended on her emotional state at the time she replied.  So, in my experience, if you're hoping a heartfelt, well-written letter will have an effect on her feelings toward you (like I was), you may want to consider the likelihood that any reply (or lack thereof) may have very little to do with the letter itself. 

Other times I convinced myself I was sending the letter "for me".  That was  really just a rationalization for sending the letter despite my wise mind telling me not to, and what I was really wanting was a positive reaction from her.  But I now look back on each of the letters as yet another time I compromised my self-esteem for a woman with no respect for me.  She is messed up and I really feel for her as a person.  But as a partner, she is absolutely undeserving of heartfelt words like I sent several times and like you have written above.  You can decide what your ex deserves, but I wouldn't send my ex something as beautiful and heartfelt as what you've written.   

[elessar]

Her reply depended on her emotional state at the time she replied. 

yup, this.

[AJwhatThe]

I sent the letter minus the "goodbye" part. We are not done until I have all my belongings back. So this is not really "Goodbye" yet.

I think I felt guilty because tomorrow her family will be confronting her regarding all her lies. They will be making demands for her to allow me to get what is mine in a civil manner. They will be doing this as a group. They are hoping that as a group they can influence her to get help. I will start another thread regarding that.

I know.

I know.

That will just get her with her back against the wall and she will retaliate. She will know that all her family has been communicating with me.

I will be even more evil in her mind. 

For now, I wanted to send her something calm before the storm comes.

[Hurt llama]

I think I am officially the least qualified member here to give advice on how to or if one should contact an ex. '

I can't imagine a greater offender than me throughout the last six years... . and there is only one thing I can maybe add that I have learned.

Whenever I gauge my risks in contact, whether text, email or even seeing her, I think I am doing a complete and intelligent of weighting the risks... . BUt there are a couple of risks that exist that I usually don't consider.

The most simple one is that by connecting, I am opening up myself (of course) for a response... . Fair is fair. Right?

So as I can't obviously control what she might say, I need to be prepared to be able to handle her response. Or have to literally witness one.

The point is that while I do and just did a short while ago reach out to my ex in an email that felt important... . what does it mean to me if she responds in a way that will upset me... . How much will it set me back? I'm lucky as she's not one to say much in writing... .

THe more I share and reach other the weaker and crazier I appear... . and in that process, I 'prove' to her that I was 'crazy' all along. As evidenced that anyone who would stay with her must be crazy.

Good luck to all of us,

[Hurt llama]

I wrote something similar for my recent BPD ex-gf.  A little note, that essentially said goodbye.

She read it in front of me.  And do you know what she did... .   she smiled.

Then she came over, and hugged me, and said 'I'm so glad we can stay friends.'

I hadn't said we could stay friends; she'd seen my vulnerability and it had made her happy!  She'd read into it, 'I can keep my hooks in him.  I still control him.  Therefore I can feel good because i am worth something.'

Don't send the letter.  You're seeking the empathy that YOU can give.  She won't give it back, and you'll hurt more.  Keep reading.  Keep talking on here.  True acceptance is not acceptance that she has a problem, or acceptance of her behaviour... .   it is acceptance that the relationship has/had to end, and that this is a good thing.  It is acceptance that you can no longer help her (you never really could), and that it is time to help yourself.

Literally laughed out loud!

Same here... . all my high minded caring loving emails... .   what do they do for her? reinforce her bad behaviour and put me at a disadvantage... .

WHen I ended the engagement five years ago, I swear she smiled at me... . calm, cool, collected... .   as she put on an incredible lingerie show as she packed... . she tried every trick in the book to get me in bed... . we parted friends with the understanding we would try again but do it differently.

You nailed it... .   the empathy we seek can't be given... .   it at best can be lightly faked.

Thanks for reminding me.

[AJwhatThe]

Tonight she may read my email and feel completely in control.

Tomorrow... .   I expect all hell to break lose.

[ScotisGone74]

I have to agree with others that I would recommend against sending any letters to the BPD.  When you start a new dialogue with them you are giving power back to them, power for them to twist your words into whatever they want, they will show the letter to their family or friends with their story behind it to smear or belittle you.  I know you mean well and want to get across what you want to say, but even if you put what you had to say as a message on the goodyear blimp above a BPD's house they will turn it into whatever will benefit them the most or how ever they feel towards you at that moment.  The one thing they cannot twist, manipulate, or turn into a lie is silence.  I wish you the best of luck with it though. 

[sunrising]

The one thing they cannot twist, manipulate, or turn into a lie is silence. 

I wish I had read this a couple months ago.  I don't think I've heard the case for NC summed up any better than that.   I rationalized low/ controlled  contact a number of ways and a number of times, with disastrous results almost without exception.  Just like when I was in the relationship, things I said would be presented to me as meaning, literally, the opposite of what I had clearly said. 

I'm not sure there can be a simpler or clearer for me going forward than someone who can repeatedly turn something I've said into its opposite.

[BlushAndBashful]

Through all our years and all our breakups, I have sent a ton of long, aching, heartfelt emails. Maybe even a couple of handwritten ones, too- that were multiple pages long. (The ones that I would pull an all nighter and spend 8 hours composing)

Repeatedly, here were the two alternating responses:

1. Wow, you are really clinging, pathetic, and need to move on. Have you seen a therapist?

2. I got your email, but I just glanced at it and deleted it. It was too long to read.

[AJwhatThe]

I got a response... .   wow... .   she took partial blame but still directed a lot of the blame for our relationship failing towards me. She is still accusing me of lying... .   this time in a nicer way and not as loud on my ears.

here is what she wrote back.

"I was honest with you about my past.  If you heard something about me that you think contradicts what i have told you then it was your responsibility to discuss it with me.  i opened myself up, making myself vulnerable and exposing my faults and failures.  I did not hide my past from you.  But you hid yours.

Yes, we all make mistakes and no one is perfect.  That is part of being human. 

You say that you cannot fix what you have not broken - but what can you do about what you have broken?  Can you even see what you have done, what you have broken?  What you have contributed to the problem?

I blame myself for what i have and haven't done in our relationship.  I accept responsibilty for it.  I also acknowledge that i, like everyone else carries baggage from their childhood and relationships.  The beauty of being with someone is that you commit to each other and you help each other work it out.  Your each other's buddy.  But that is hard to do on your own when your bf won't let you close to him, or he isn't honest with you.  Or even more so when he thinks he's perfect and that all the fault lies with me.

I know what my feelings are and where they come from.  Some are triggered from the past, whereas some are directly from you. But it seems that you would prefer to deflect the blame to something else and not take responsibility for your own actions.

It takes two people to make a relationship work.  I lay blame on you for everything you have and haven't done.  But i certainly don't blame you for my part - that i do accept as mine. 

I will listen to you only if you speak the truth.

[ScotisGone74]

AJ I am glad you got a response, I hope it was something close to what you were looking for.  I'm sure that makes you happy, but I've got to be honest with you, if you think that its going to get much better than that you may be setting yourself up for some more punishment bro.  I went back and forth with mine in the weeks after the end trying to figure out what was going on, if you keep batting the ball back and forth you could wind up just wearing yourself out and becoming more frazzled than you were going in.  I know you are able to figure out what you want to do with this, but much like a referee in a boxing match I will tell you to protect yourself at all times. 

[AJwhatThe]

Thanks Scot

Yes I got a response. She missed the whole point of the email I sent to her. It was a email for closure, I was not looking for anyone to blame. It was basically to say goodbye.

Other to say that she finds necessary to blame me. I didn't say anything negative about her. I wasn't expecting a response. What I got did not surprise me.

She put blame on me or accused me of lying in 11 statements.

Typical response from a BPD

Would anyone disagree? Was there any remorse in her reply?