Hope

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How unhealthy is it to hold onto hope that one day things may change?

I seem to still feel that a lot of our relationship issues were my fault. I have grown immensely since our BU, and know I would never make the same mistakes. I hope one day she will see these changes and we may work it out. I can't hope for her to ever change, because I know that is a pipe dream, but I can't convince myself it wouldn't work out with the changes I've made within myself.

At times I feel like a nut feeling like this, and even more so reading it. I just can't seem to let it go, and stop loving her.

[LMNO]

How unhealthy is it to hold onto hope that one day things may change?

I seem to still feel that a lot of our relationship issues were my fault. I have grown immensely since our BU, and know I would never make the same mistakes. I hope one day she will see these changes and we may work it out. I can't hope for her to ever change, because I know that is a pipe dream, but I can't convince myself it wouldn't work out with the changes I've made within myself.

At times I feel like a nut feeling like this, and even more so reading it. I just can't seem to let it go, and stop loving her.

[NiceGuy83]

It's not you that needed to change, it is her.  And she probably won't.  Ever.

There are some success stories on her, of a sort, but none-of-them can truly tell you it will be 'happily ever after' because the next 'split' can be right around the corner, and you won't even have noticed, or you'll have ignored the signs.

[marbleloser]

Thinking that one day "they'll see the light" is something that keeps us stuck.You both had a part in the RS's demise.It's not one sided,either way.Who's the one person that you can control and change?It's yourself.Once you accept that,things get better and you no longer have the need to try and change her.She's the only one that can do that,but she has to want to.

[AJwhatThe]

I had/have/had/have   the same thoughts. A friend put it into perspective for me last week. You have a better chance of buying a lottery ticket and hope you will win the jackpot with it. a 1 in 13,000,000 million chance yet we all dream about what we could do with the winnings.

[lbjnltx]

Hello LMNO,

I think you have the right attitude.  When we change as 1/2 of a relationship dynamic  then the dynamic does change.  All we can do is take care of our part and that starts with owning our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.  There are no guarantees that the positive changes we make in ourselves will lead to positive changes in another person, what is guaranteed is that we will be healthier and happier.

Personally I don't buy into the 50/50 relationship concept. If each person only gives 50% and owns 50% then you have a 50% relationship.  I believe it is 100/100.  I am 100% responsible for myself and the other person is 100% responsible for themselves.  Both need to give a 100% to get a 100% relationship.  The pwBPD cannot give 100% they are mentally ill, that doesn't relieve the non of their responsibility to give 100%.

Do you owe it to yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be regardless of the other person 's choices?  What have you got to lose by learning higher level life skills?

lbjnltx

[Hurt llama]

How could you not feel this way. You might benefit reading my recent thread on my finally making an official starting over with my ex and how it lasted less than 48 hours. My ex might be on the least severe scale of BPD that I have read here and yet she is still LETHAL. Or better said, she is lethal if I am vulnerable. Being vulnerable in my case means maintaining any belief she might change.

She won't and as said, she is rather 'light' with her BPD (it's deadly though anyway). She has moments of lucidity (is that a word?), moments she says things like "I am starting to get it. I hear you differently. You have changed how you communicate. Good job"

And it sticks not at all.

Could it ever work out? Using my ex as an example, I have determined yes it could have actually worked. She loves me more than anyone she ever has but in order to do so, it would have required the removal of two important parts of my body and also a part of my soul.

Net net, no one is worth that.

I'll take the Blue pill instead. Any day of the week.

I think it's healthier to think this way.

If my ex wants me back which she will, there's a simple test to determine if I would take her back... . It involves kissing a certain part of my body in Macy's window.

[clairedair]

How unhealthy is it to hold onto hope that one day things may change?

HI LMNO - don't know how unhealthy it is but I would guess that most of us here either feel or have felt the same way.  

I have grown immensely since our BU, and know I would never make the same mistakes. I hope one day she will see these changes and we may work it out. I can't hope for her to ever change, because I know that is a pipe dream, but I can't convince myself it wouldn't work out with the changes I've made within myself.

Can't say whether it would work out for you guys or not - just offer my own experience.  Once of the reasons my exH wanted to leave the marriage was that he didn't feel I shared my thoughts/feelings enough with him.  This is one thing that has changed significantly in recent years - I got to a 'breaking point' and after that became someone who talked openly about all sorts of things.  At the start of each reconciliation, we would share everything and I felt our relationship was more fulfilling than it had ever been but he would still leave and he would still be saying that his need for intimacy was not met in a relationship with me.  And he would have a relationship with someone else who he claimed did meet his needs (until she didn't... . )

I felt that this was something about me and our relationship that had changed significantly but it made no real difference.  If I stopped making one mistake, I was told I was making another.  I don't think anything I do will ever make a difference and, as you point out, I can't change him or his reaction to me.

On a positive note, my being able to be more open has strengthened several other close relationships and I do not regret working on myself in this way because I realise I was missing out on so much.  

As lbjnltx says, let's "be the best person we can be regardless of the other person's choices".  Let's do it for us rather than trying to 'win back' the love of someone who may not be able to give us this whatever we do.

[lbjnltx]

 Let's do it for us rather than trying to 'win back' the love of someone who may not be able to give us this whatever we do.

[LMNO]

I agree with all that was said.

I'm def doing the changing for myself, as I'm not happy with a lot of things I've done or who I've been throughout my relationship with her. I'm in such a bad place in life right now with all of this, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. My mind is a wreck, changes or not

[lbjnltx]

Understandable LMNO  

Perhaps reading this can give you an idea of where you can begin to get a foothold:

The Dysfunctional Dance Self Inflicted Wounds

[momtara]

I think there's hope of anything.  The people who post on the internet are likely going to be the worst cases.  It's possible that SOME BPD people will someday see the light or get the right help, but it is pretty hard.  Still, why not hope?

I hold on to that hope too.  I'm divorcing my ex husband, and he is getting therapy.  But even during the divorce, I see periodic regressions that remind me that I'm making the right decision.  Still, if he wants to change badly enough... .  

Well, they will never be perfect.  It takes a lot of constant therapy.  Enough people would have to push them in that direction.  Still, I think there's nothing wrong with having some hope, as long as it doesn't keep you from being in healthy, normal situations most of the time.