I feel like I just got closure, but at what price?

[NiceGuy83]

An interesting situation just occurred today.

My BPD ex-gf rang to say she would be coming round to do some work (don't even ask why, it's a messed up situation where she hasn't fully moved her stuff out yet).

I removed myself from the house to give her space.  3 hours later, I came back and she was still here.  Shed been asleep on my side of the bed, with suitcases half-packed.  Or maybe she was pretending to have been asleep.  She asked how I was.  I reminded her she had said didn't care how I was.  She said she'd just been angry then.  So I asked how she felt now, and she shrugged and said she felt the same.  Classic BPD.

I suggested to her she needed to sort her self out.  She told me there was no need.  Nothing wrong with her.  Classic BPD.

I suggested maybe i had things to work on, and I will (for me and not for her), but so did she.  I pointed out that she was taking a step backwards, repeating the same pattern as with previous bfs and previous jobs.  She said when she had broken up with one ex, she'd wanted to sleep with him for 18 months afterwards, but there was no chance of her feeling that way about me, and looked at me with disgust.  Classic BPD.

I told her this was classic BPD (which she has acknowledged in the past she probably has), and she went into denial, saying I would use that to get sympathy from my next girlfriend (note the fixation on next girlfriend - not first time she has brought next gfs up since breaking up with me a week ago).  Classic BPD.

I told her I hoped she would be happy in the future, that I felt sorry for her, but I couldn't help her anymore.  I then removed myself to the other room.  She is right this moment stomping around, probably packing bags, and has not yet left, but will do so I reckon when she realises I'm not going back in there. 

I know saying it probably won't have helped her.  I watched with interest how she turned it all round onto nastyness towards me again.  But I feel I can let her go and go NC now.  I am a little worried that she may try and retaliate. But at least I know she can't hurt me anymore.  I took the personal criticism straight-faced and without letting it emotionally effect me.  She is a sick individual, and i feel more sorry for those still in her life, and those yet to come.

[NiceGuy83]

She's still banging around, 30 mins on.  Would appreciate feed-back, thoughts etc.  I think I'm doing alright, but there is anxiety there still and I'm not sure why.

[elessar]

as you said, classic BPD.

have you ever thought that maybe this time she will be different. and each and every single time it turns out to be classic BPD and you hate yourself even more for allowing her to treat you like that.

i am glad you have removed yourself from the room. good way to keep boundaries!

maybe someday i will truly block her and never unblock her.

[momtara]

Yeah, what Elessar said.  However, I think it was important that you said what you said.  Maybe at some point she'll get tired of the pattern, and she'll think about what you said. I know my stbx-husband, once I filed for divorce, started bringing up things I'd said over the years and acknowledging that I was right and he wished he worked on those things.  He only has those moments of clarity in a good mood.  So I think it never hurts to say what you need to say.

It is heartbreaking anyway.  But I think there is a great value in feeling like you said what you needed to.  And you seemed to do it in a caring way, too. 

[elessar]

Had a similar thing with my ex as to what montara. last april i had proposed to her (she was always blaming me for not "officially" proposing... .   i would have if she never broke up with me every few days!). but she turned down my proposal because her daddy wouldn't approve. after that i felt distant from her and ignored her. that was the only time ever she acknowledged she needs to see a therapist and heard me about BPD. but within a few weeks it was all gone again.

i have read repeatedly all over the internet and books that they mostly go for therapy when they are given an ultimatum - either you go get help, or i am leaving. so they go because they are scared of being alone. but i think stats show that 70% of BPDs never continue therapy.

i mean friday night my ex complained about all her issues. when i told her maybe you should see someone... .   firm came her reply "i dont think i need help". i haven't talked to her since.

[Louise7777]

I disagree on what you say, guys. I really dont think its a good idea to interact, for whatever reason. It just drags you into the drama, opens a door for blaming you and helps no one. Its the never-ending cycle all over again.

NiceGuy, I wonder why you have to put yourself in that situation. Its normal, we always do. But at some point we have to realize its useless and endless and just serves to create the drama and attention-seeking they so much love and seek. 

My advice is: stronger boundaries.   

[NiceGuy83]

It's frustrating, isn't it?  They refuse to acknowledge the problem could really be with them.

What makes this situation even more frustrating is she has managed to acknowledge a massive problem before - she acknowledged she had a problem with substance abuse, sought help, got with the program, has stuck to it for three years, and regularly attends recovery meetings (3-4 times a week).  She is helping other people get clean.  And yet she cannot see what is so clearly staring me in the face.

I have recognised my co-dependency issues, sex addiction and rescuing complex, etc.  I have worked hard to resolve those, but fear I have not progressed as much as I might have otherwise.  

A good friend of mine has been keeping me bouyed.  She has just been on the phone to see how I'm doing.  And I explained a bit about the BPD to her, because she couldn't understand my ex-gf's behaviour.  She was quick to remind me the problem is not with me... .   I provided for her emotionally and financially, but also tried to put boundaries in place.  I communicated openly and honestly with her.  I am, essentially, a good man (yes with a few faults, but they are minor).  A more rational woman will recognise that in me and appreciate it.  But first I need to remind myself of it.  

And, cristina2323, I think what you say is valid, so why did I put myself in that position?  Largely, for re-enforcement.  I think I felt a need to have it re-enforced that this is BPD, and not just me projecting BPD onto any relationship that doesn't work.  I am the partner being left, and yet I am kind and gentle about it.  She is the partner leaving, and is vicious in her scathing attacks.  I needed to remind myself.  To be sure.  Now I am   

[laelle]

I disagree with just about the whole post, but as he has made it clear he has ended the relationship, how he did it isnt so much a factor as that it is done.

Telling her about her BPD, assuming its classic BPD, treating her like its all her fault.  Pushing her buttons and trying to control her.  It sounds mighty black thinking to me.

Now that you have ended it and   for doing so,  You might want to take some time and think about why handled the situation the way you did.

Do you think it helped her to hear she is damaged?  You did say you loved her once, right? Why was it so important for you to regard yourself higher than her?

[Louise7777]

Laelle, you ask good questions. But to me, doesnt look like he ended the relationship. I mean, in words, yes, but in actions no way. She has access to his home and they are still interacting/ engaging in conversations regarding the r/s. I dont see much of a boundary there, what I see is her postponing removing her things and engaging into drama.

[NiceGuy83]

laelle, I think you have misunderstood me.  The most important thing is, I didn't do this for her, I did it for ME.  I have spent two years walking on egg-shells, and worried that she would 'split black' one day.  That was unhealthy.  I am simply refusing to consider how she feels, but focussing on me.  I needed to say these things to help my own resolve, and to ensure I did not do the 'what if' questioning later, which is now more important than giving her happiness at my expense.  It doesn't mean I never loved her, it means I didn't love me enough.  That's my take on it, and you're entitled to a different view, but frankly not telling her certainly wouldn't have helped her, and telling her just might.  But that's for her moving on, and nothing to do with me anymore.

cristina2323, you are very right.  The contact has not ended, and cannot, until I have control over the home back.  That WILL happen.  She is indeed postponing moving her things.  She has now left, and I noticed she has unpacked one of the suitcases again.  She is also seeking to engage in drama, leaving the back door wide open when she left, and leaving her dirty laundry all over the house, perhaps to lay claim to it, perhaps as a test to see what i do with it.  However, I find I don't really care.  Today I got closure because I got confirmation that I was doing the right thing, and I resolved in myself to end contact.  That's a really powerful step for me.  Unfortunately, I do still have to get her stuff out, but that will happen either voluntarily on her part very soon.  In the meantime, I have no more left that I want to say, and no desire to hear anything she wants to say.

[laelle]

My apologies, I had only read the first post.  Yeah, it seems like shaming to me without any apparent reason.  The light wont come on, and its just cruel IMO.  Maybe I am wrong in how I perceived you post.

I get that it was for you and that it made you feel good to not be under her spell anymore.  I understand how you feel there.

Try to keep in mind that she is sick and doesnt mean to cause the havoc she does.  She doesnt mean to hurt you, she isnt rational.

You did mean to hurt her and you are completely rational.