Obsessing about NC - Help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's day two of NC and I'm obsessing big time. I know rationally that this is compulsion with its roots in codependency but still I'm unable to stop wondering if he will contact me. We met four months ago, hardly the years I see some people invest in their pwBPD. Nonetheless it has turned me inside out. I do not wish to carry on a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, however I am unused to having been intimate with someone who has no problem painting me black and cutting me out of their lives. It's been a rollercoaster over the past couple months ... .   Well from the beginning really. The worst has been in the past couple

of months though. I'm returning to England in ten days for a few months and he's here in Chicago. The other day I think I triggered him by talking on the phone to a male friend... .   The details of the rest of the night were insane - devaluation, sleep deprivation, more devaluation. He left in a rage and told me to walk his dog in the morning. I wasn't comfortable staying there so I followed quickly behind. I was unable to close his front door completely. I made sure it was closed enough so the dog was okay and when I left I immediately sent texts and called to tell him to return home. Five minutes later when I was in a cab he called screaming about how I left it open on purpose to try and hurt him and his dog. I kept calm and assured him this was not the case. He insisted. Threatened to call the police on me. He text me the next day saying he was losing his job and hoped it would brighten my day. We made plans to meet a few days later. I wanted to broach the subject of therapy which I'd been talking to him about recently. He acted like nothing happened when we met. Like he hadnt threatened to call the police on me, like he wasn't even mad, though he did remain physically distant, maybe taking cue from me. He invited me to a barbecue the next day. Then I triggered him. I tried to tell him a story using myself as the example in order to get him to make a connection to his own actions. He deflected and brought up how I tried to hurt him and his dog by leaving his door open. I knew I was interacting with the illness so I tried to remain calm. I said I'd never do anything like that on purpose to anyone. He likened me to a friend we both know whom he hates saying even "he would never do something so disrespectful". We exchanged a few texts after that. Mine were calm, loving and rational. His were as you can infer ... .   the opposite. It's been two days and there's been no contact. I know he's attempted to create a situation to which he can't return. He hopes I won't want to interact with someone who thinks I'm evil and he can't return to someone who he feels is evil, I get it. But WHY am I looking for his texts, wondering if he'd respond if I sent a message. Wondering if he'll meet with me before I leave back to England for a few months. It's all a sick cycle of codependency, for everyone all around. I went from the most amazing woman he'd ever met to someone who tried to kill his dog! I teach yoga and I'm a vegan incidentally. I told him nonharming is a deeply rooted philosophical belief. His response? "You think you're so perfect you never accept any responsibility for anything". Of course. "You think you're so perfect" that phrase rings in my ears.

[Chicago girl]

It's day two of NC and I'm obsessing big time. I know rationally that this is compulsion with its roots in codependency but still I'm unable to stop wondering if he will contact me. We met four months ago, hardly the years I see some people invest in their pwBPD. Nonetheless it has turned me inside out. I do not wish to carry on a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, however I am unused to having been intimate with someone who has no problem painting me black and cutting me out of their lives. It's been a rollercoaster over the past couple months ... .   Well from the beginning really. The worst has been in the past couple

of months though. I'm returning to England in ten days for a few months and he's here in Chicago. The other day I think I triggered him by talking on the phone to a male friend... .   The details of the rest of the night were insane - devaluation, sleep deprivation, more devaluation. He left in a rage and told me to walk his dog in the morning. I wasn't comfortable staying there so I followed quickly behind. I was unable to close his front door completely. I made sure it was closed enough so the dog was okay and when I left I immediately sent texts and called to tell him to return home. Five minutes later when I was in a cab he called screaming about how I left it open on purpose to try and hurt him and his dog. I kept calm and assured him this was not the case. He insisted. Threatened to call the police on me. He text me the next day saying he was losing his job and hoped it would brighten my day. We made plans to meet a few days later. I wanted to broach the subject of therapy which I'd been talking to him about recently. He acted like nothing happened when we met. Like he hadnt threatened to call the police on me, like he wasn't even mad, though he did remain physically distant, maybe taking cue from me. He invited me to a barbecue the next day. Then I triggered him. I tried to tell him a story using myself as the example in order to get him to make a connection to his own actions. He deflected and brought up how I tried to hurt him and his dog by leaving his door open. I knew I was interacting with the illness so I tried to remain calm. I said I'd never do anything like that on purpose to anyone. He likened me to a friend we both know whom he hates saying even "he would never do something so disrespectful". We exchanged a few texts after that. Mine were calm, loving and rational. His were as you can infer ... .   the opposite. It's been two days and there's been no contact. I know he's attempted to create a situation to which he can't return. He hopes I won't want to interact with someone who thinks I'm evil and he can't return to someone who he feels is evil, I get it. But WHY am I looking for his texts, wondering if he'd respond if I sent a message. Wondering if he'll meet with me before I leave back to England for a few months. It's all a sick cycle of codependency, for everyone all around. I went from the most amazing woman he'd ever met to someone who tried to kill his dog! I teach yoga and I'm a vegan incidentally. I told him nonharming is a deeply rooted philosophical belief. His response? "You think you're so perfect you never accept any responsibility for anything". Of course. "You think you're so perfect" that phrase rings in my ears.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I know exactly what you mean. It's coming up on one month NC that my ex pwBPD initiated. I want to talk to her so bad, but I need to respect her wishes. I outed her to her current guy that she was seeing me when they were supposedly becoming a couple. Her NC sounded so half-hearted, but I can't break it. It's driving me crazy too. Especially because she never raged at me, or said anything harsh. We loved every moment we were with each other, and both of us talked about it a lot. The days do get a little easier as time goes by, and from what people tell me (since I am the exception to her cycle of white trash losers) that she will pop back up when she is ready. Hang in there, I'm sure he will be back.

[Chicago girl]

Thanks for your response.  I know it'll get easierand I just need to wait it out, it just really sucks at the moment. Would you mind sharing a bit of your story? I've been on here a few days and have found hearing others stories very ... .   Comforting? Thanks

[NiceGuy83]

Hi Chicago girl,

First, I think it's a good thing you're moving for a bit.  This may help you put things in perspective, and being around new people can also help a lot; making new friends, starting a new job, etc.  It's about moving on, I guess.

I am going through being abandoned by my second gfwBPD.  It's easier than the first time, but my oh my the temptation is still there in my subconscious to try and reconnect with them.  She has not unfriended me on FB.  I check her page to see if she has given any clue what she is doing - nothing.  She let slip yesterday that she has seen a post on mine; she commented on it.  So she's checking mine, and cares about what she sees.

I don't want her to call, but I do.  If that makes sense.  I don't want to look at the pictures of us together, as we both look so in love in all of them, and it's hard to accept that she doesn't really feel that way - that I was just a crutch to her.  But I still look.  I know I'm tormenting myself, still fantasising a little about what I thought I had.  But I'm pushing through that, determined not to let her keep doing this to me.

How are you feeling right now?

[wanttoknowmore]

Hi fellow vegan, chicagogirl,

I am glad you are here on these boards as they have helped me immensely and I feel so grateful to the people who suffered at the hands of this illness, called BPD and for their support in my darkest days.

Most likely he has borderline personality and your going to England for a few months has triggered what mental health personnel call "abandonment reaction" They get triggered and get dysregulated and you become "all bad and evil" and thus, they start treating you as "enemy"  and they rage, scream, devalue,insult,hurt you by nasty words, accuse you and even, issue threats.

This is very confusing and hurtful to Nons as the reality changes so abruptly throwing our minds into shocking confusion and emotional pain.

This illness is INCURABLE but can become manageable by years of therapy. You have to make a decision whether you want to have r/s with this man. I am almost certain that many more such and may be much worse dysregulations are going to happen in the future. Sounds pessimistic but its true. And   truth sets us free. If I am in your situation ,I will get out of this r/s ,go to England for months, heal myself with fresh veggies and fruits ,enjoy  outings and try to forget this nightmare. Just my opinion. I know how hard is it to detach from someone who you fell in love with.

[PattyG]

Chicago,

I think you have great insight into the reality of the situation. In fact, it helped me to hear your view of the devaluation, because it is almost word for word what my BPDxgf said to me- I only want to hurt her, I stole the kids from her, I'm evil. I have a hard time processing that. I know that isn't who I am but wonder if any part of it is true? I have heard many times no new contact=no new hurt. I belief that. The other thing I am starting to accept that we trigger each other and her life is more stable without me in it... .   and mine without her. It is sad and heartbreaking... .   but if I know this and love her... .   I have to let go.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Chicago,

No problem, I'll share what happened to me Me and my current ex pwBPD started out as friends with benefits. We kind of knew something was special the moment we met. We had a fwb relationship that grew into a strong bond of friendship for about 6 months. We would talk for hours in these days, and I even continued to be sexual with her while she was pregnant, and I know that meant a lot to her. We started dating afterwards, and that continued for about 2 months. Incredible dates. We enjoyed every second we were with each other, and our feelings grew stronger and stronger. On New Year's Eve we made it official, declared our love, and became a couple. This is when she told me she had BPD. It shocked me because I would have never known. She is very high-functioning invisible type. 2 kids, job and she is able to ficus on these areas with the help of Adderall. I was so shocked because my previous ex before her was a very low-functioning pwBPD (lucky me huh, 2 in a row). Since things were so good between us in the following month, I actually forgot she had BPD. She was never mean to me a day we were together. Loving, sweet, kind... .   and I was the same to her. She told me one of the big reasons she loved me so much was that I was so different from her usual type of guy. I'm stable, have a job, my own apt, in school, own a puppy, and I have goals. Her cycle is dumb white trash guys that use and abuse her. Some red flags that I never really noticed then were popping up: she would buy everything- never let me pay for a single thing, and she could never totally take the compliments I would give her. One thing that was new to me was that she had kids. I had never dated a girl with kids so I asked if we could take it slow so I could get comfortable with them, and she agreed (I would learn later the kids would be a huge trigger). Fast forward to near the end of February and things started to become inconsistent. After a night where I had waited too long to call her to come over to spend the weekend (I was in a rough mood that night, and did not want to take my bad mood out on her so I waited to call till I felt better), she started to do things like not return texts, and skip out on plans without calling or texting, and generally having lame excuses for it. At this point I was becoming kind of hurt, and began to tell her that if she couldn't give me enough respect to tell me she as busy, we might have to rethink this relationship. When I said that she would get kind of frantic and then engage me, thinking I was going to break up with her. The thing is, and I didn't know this yet, is that friday night I didn't call in time she had went out and met some douchebag white trash guy at a bar. She was seeing this guy, yet still hanging on to me telling me how lucky she was to have me, and that she was in love with me, but was really scared I wouldn't be ok with her kids and up and leave them some day (she had nothing to worry about). After 2 weeks of not being able to see her, and a phone call that cleared the air between us, she texted me to hang out on a friday afternoon. It was amazing, like no time had passed. We talked about making plans to go on dates with her 3 year old, other plans for me to help out her step-brother who didn't have a lot of friends, and how much we really enjoyed being around one another. We came back to my place and she pushed me on the bed and initiated making out with me, kissing me all over my body (which she was obsessed with and would tell me often). I think she wanted to have sex, but I was more concerned with being sweet and holding and kissing her because I had missed her so much. We kissed for what seemed like an eternity and both said I love you in such a sweet way. We made plans for her to come over the next night for sex, but that would be the last time I saw her. After another week or so of extreme inconsistency, and a declined friend request when I joined Facebook for the first time (huge red flag, not accepting your BF's friend request) I became very suspicious and watched her FB page. Sure enough, one day she had posted a pic of her and a new guy saying they were in a relationship. I went to his page and he advertised it too, and the funny thing is this white trash loser (her usual cycle) thinks their relationship started the day they met (he's either very insecure, or she really did the whirlwind/intense thing with him). I texted her but no response. So I said screw it, and messaged him to let him know that she was still with me, and was trying to keep me around while they were supposedly a couple. After a few messages suggesting that we both confront her, and some frantic texts from her when she found out I told him, he made her accept a phone call from me while he was present. On the phone is where I first saw her BPD side out in the open. She was mad, but not raging. Mainly flustered and frantic. The worst she could call me was childish and stupid for what I did, which in itself was her projecting her own behavior on me. I was not mean or nasty to her at all. No yelling, just questions as to why she could not tell me when I gave her many chances to. She even had the nerve to ask why I couldn't be happy for her (such a childish BPD thing to think). I heard shame in her voice when she would answer questions, and she would try to deflect them by saying she shouldn't be wasting time talking with me when she should be smoothing things out with him. Her only real reason was that she said her kids and her were a package deal (which I told her I knew, and was more than ready to be in their lives, she just wasn't giving me the chance). Later I would learn that this must have been her trigger: intense abandonment fear that a nice, stable guy she was falling so head over heels for would leave her and her kids someday. She did bring up when was the last time we had sex, as she didn't think what she did was cheating. I shot that down by reminding her it was barely a week before she met her new guy. She is the type to validate her empty sense of self through sex. She made a half-hearted attempt at NC by saying "Right now I don't think I wanna talk to you again. Don't call, text, or email". I noticed she said "right now" and also noticed her lack of cruelty to me in front of her new guy. Did not say she didn't love me anymore, and could have really slammed the door hard on me in front of him, but did not. I left her with kinds words: "You were m best friend, I loved you with all of my heart, and I was really looking forward to spending my life with you". All her anger, fluster, and franticness disappeared and I hear a sob. Then she said bye in such a sad, deflated way. I hung up without saying goodbye and have not talked to her since, per her NC wishes.

That's my story and that's why I'm having so hard with the NC myself. We never were mean to each other the 10 months we had known each other. Her infidelity was brought on by fear of abandonment, and possible self-esteem issues that I may be too good for her. It was not done to hurt me. I miss her in my life so much, and would love to let her know that I now understand why she did what she did, and have forgiven her. But since it will be a month tomorrow since NC I feel it is too soon to offer an olive branch. Like many on here I glance at her FB page, I guess as a form of self-torture, or signs of hope. While she doesn't advertise their r/s, and has a bit more public info, her new guy must have become extremely insecure. He hides almost all of his information, including a pic of himself, except for advertising their relationship, and some extremely shallow, douchey likes (women, sex, tattoos on women) that speak volumes for the type of guy he is and what he's after. It makes me worry she is going to get hurt or abused by this guy, but I'm powerless. Like I said, some times the days get harder when I think of her (have had dreams lately), and some days get easier. I'm hoping for the best because most people agree on here that since I'm a nice, safe guy she will pop back into my life at some point. Hang in there