I don't tolerate disrespect so I ended it with co-morbid ex

[january1]

Hi, I found BPD Family when I was still in r/s with my now ex boyfriend, read a lot of articles and posts, and have found it so very helpful. Here's my story.

My ex and I were together almost a year. First 3-4 months were beautiful and romantic. Then he let his hair down, had severe mood swings, would disappear and be really mean at times when he was back. The nice romantic him became less and less, and the mean moods and contemptuous remarks increased. I stayed with him a few more months because I'd never encountered things like this and my feelings had ramped up and I couldn't turn them off like a faucet. From the time he started changing I began thinking our r/s would either smooth out or it was doomed. He also was really insecure and I thought it was about his marriage failing and if he could just relax and trust who I am -- a pretty stable and warm person -- the bad behavior might be curtailed. So I read a lot -- the articles on this site, and a couple books on personality disorders. Tried supportive behavior and detaching.

I don't tolerate disrespect so I ended it with him in March. He ramped up the desperate attempts to keep me in his life. It's as though he turned back into the first person I'd met, interspersed with the mean, raging man. He hated me for leaving and tried to find fault with me as justification for his "moods". I went NC and received a few hundred calls and emails. I changed my phone number and blocked his emails (he switched emails repeatedly but I kept blocking) I haven't heard from him for some time now so my head is clearing. Pretty much.  

Mostly now I'm introducing myself but I do have questions.  

Have others also had co-morbid issues, if so what was it like? He was quite abuseive, never physically but verbal and emotional. He had borderline traits -- was desperately afraid of abandonment, did perfect mirroring in the beginning. But he had an aggressive and mean side. He seemed like a narcissist as much as BP.  He may have had dissociative identity disorder, because he wasn't just moody and changeable, but he change so dramatically it was like he was different people. He disappeared at times which also fits DID. I learned afterward he lied a lot, and he was either very good at it or if he was DID he may have believed these things he said. I'm currently reading a book called "The Myth of Sanity" about this problem. The author is a Harvard psychologist (the book was written 15 or 20 years ago) who thinks most people with DID don't have alters with names, just very delineated type personas.

I'm not sure how much it helps to understand the ex, what do you think? Does it aid you in recognizing warning signals from new people you meet? I'm starting to date again, casually.

A little more about me: I'm in my 40s. Divorced after 15-year marriage with someone who wasn't a bad guy, but the passion died out pretty early on so it felt stale a long time before we mutually ended the marriage. It was a fairly amicable divorce, that was 5 years ago.

Now I'm in counseling to recover from the abuse and finish grieving for the lost r/s. Also just to be the best me I can.    Most days I barely think of him, but when I do I want it to be therapeutic for me. I definitely have stopped pining for the old good times. The news about sexual assaults has triggered me, mainly due to this person's behavior and his attitude toward woman -- I think he really hates women and cynically uses them. He claimed he was faithful to his ex-wife but from where I sit I'd guess he could have been a serial cheater. I don't know if he cheated on me nor do I care really.

My friends have been kind and supportive. They know the "old me" and have seen me change so they get how tough this has been. At the same time I don't want to burn them out by talking too much about it. And they have a hard time wrapping their head around what happened, just as I do.

I'm thinking of joining a support group but whether a 12-step, or another kind would be good. All female or would I heal more being around both men and women and sharing my story? Any suggestions?

I hope to get input from a lot of people here. This is a wonderful site and I need your support. Thanks in advance.

[once removed]

hi january1 and

im glad you joined and decided to share your story. it feels good to get it out, now? id encourage you to save it, and from time to time, to look back on it as you heal here.

Have others also had co-morbid issues, if so what was it like?

my ex was diagnosed with, and on and off treated for, bipolar disorder. to tell you the truth, i dont know a lot about it... .certainly there are mood swings, there may be disproportionate anger, mania/hyperactivity.

while its hard to say, most of the behavior you describe about your ex is consistent with BPD traits and stories here. 

I'm not sure how much it helps to understand the ex, what do you think? Does it aid you in recognizing warning signals from new people you meet? I'm starting to date again, casually.

i used learning about BPD as both a way to better understand the breakdown of my relationships and lingering questions that i had, as well as a gateway to learning more about human nature, the differences between the pathological stuff, and every day dysfunction. at a certain point, i wanted to better understand the psychology of people, where i fit into all of that, and the kinds of people i wanted to pursue and surround myself with.

we explore a lot of that stuff on the Learning board, and i continue to learn from my experience years later. i hope youll stick around and do the same, this place can teach you so much.

the relationship ended in march, do i have that right? how long have you been in counseling? what have you found most helpful?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi January1, welcome!  It's good that your head is clearing. 

You asked about comorbidity.  Below is a quote from the article cited.

How often is "any combination of the above?"   In an NIH study of 34,653 people*, of those that had clinical BPD,

74% had another personalty disorder,
75% also had a mood disorder, and
74% also had an anxiety disorder.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

I think learning about your ex's disorder is helpful to a certain extent.  But, what has been helpful for me is to look at myself, to learn more about myself, defining who I am and what I want for my life. 

I don't attend a group, but I know that some members attend Alanon and find it helpful.  Maybe some of them will chime in and provide information about support groups.

In the meantime, we are here to support and learn along with you. 

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[OrionLeonardo]

I think learning about your ex's disorder is helpful to a certain extent.  But, what has been helpful for me is to look at myself, to learn more about myself, defining who I am and what I want for my life. 

I don't attend a group, but I know that some members attend Alanon and find it helpful.  Maybe some of them will chime in and provide information about support groups.

In the meantime, we are here to support and learn along with you. 

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

I agree 100%. Looking at ourselves is critical. I had to come to terms with being half of the problem and what actions I did, or in my case didn't take, that caused me to be in the situation I was.

I'm sure support groups are great. I don't attend any mostly because its not my style. I have a counselor and recently did a Reiki healing session. We did some cord cutting associated with some of the negative emotions I had from the relationship. I honestly think it did the most good out of everything I have done in the last 3 months. Talking with "my" people seemed to just bring up everything and counseling was never long enough. My reiki actually helped my counseling go better since I wasn't overly focused on being overwhelmingly sad and missing her or even worse feeling like the nasty things that were said to me that I was were actually true. My counselor and I have been able to focus on future dating and how to see red flags better. How I am allowed to have my boundaries and don't need to be with anyone who doesn't respect me. More self work to be done but I'm getting less worried about repeating a similar relationship like I just went through.

Ultimately I think each of us who has found this resource and used it is on the right path. Along with the vast information for putting into words/terms to describe the things we have gone through, these people are amazing compassionate supportive people.

Best of luck finding what works best for you in your healing   

[january1]

Thank you for your welcome and thoughts 

Once removed, yes March was the end. I started with my counselor in the summer, and its been good to talk about what happened. Yet I don't want to dwell and discuss the same things over again. What you said about learning about yourself is key, that's my goal also.

I like your idea of using my introduction to mark progress as I feel better. I never journaled before, but one of my friends suggested I do this while I was in the relationship and I did. It helped and I've re read my early entrie and it's good to see how much my moods have changed. The times I miss him are less often and when I do think about the "good times" I read about one of the harrowing fights we had and the missing him stops.

Mustbeabetterway - Oh you answered my question about co-morbidity. It was tough trying to figure out what was going on. I never saw him intoxicated but he enjoyed his scotch and I suspect one reason his disappeared is he didn't want me to see him drink as much. He definitely had anxiety issues. I'll never know if he had dissociative problems but it seems there's some overlap. His father was a Baptist minister and, nothing against that religion or any other, he was punished severely and humiliated for any transgression so his father would always look good before the congregation. I want to look at myself and how I fight or resolve differences. The last couple of months I was shell shocked and instead of arguing with him I felt more numb than anything. But in a weird way it made me fight more "clean" because I was not defensive, I could listen and wait for his tirade to end. Or sometimes I'd leave and say "lets talk later" but of course this made him more upset.

OrionLeonardo, you seem to have come a long way congratulations on your progress. I'm not aquainted with Reiki but will look it up. I've had anxiety in the aftermath and have been doing deep breathing when something happens that overwhelms me. My counselor says I have mild PTSD from the relationship. This is all new to me.

I agree with you about the many supportive people here!

[january1]

I meant to add that the article and information on co-morbidity are very helpful. I've been looking on the web and find articles on Pubmed but I can't access more than the abstract because I'm not in the academia world. It seems like there is not a consensus on how the different disorders overlap. eg found this: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24377974

Does anyone know how we can read this articles? I can't figure it out

[once removed]

Does anyone know how we can read this articles? I can't figure it out

they cost money 

we have a whole lot of information on not just BPD, but comorbidity, specific personality disorders, dimensions of personality etc, all free. check out the stuff in the "Diagnosis + Treatment" box in the top left corner of the board, its just loaded with great stuff. additionally, check out our Psychology Questions and Answers board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

how are things going today?