New and slowly detaching

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

More early morning thoughts... .

I copied this quote from a BPD article after I read it and it made me realize my ex became very different on his birthday.  “And periodically you will [feel love], but only to cycle back to the hater [stage] when you least expect it, possibly on his birthday, or your anniversary.”

I didn’t see him on his bday but that was the last day I spoke to him on the phone.  It was in the morning on a weekday.  He woke up grumpy and apologized for being so.  He ended the conversation sooner than usual and said he was going to go back to bed to try to get rid of his foul mood.  As he was often moody, I didn’t think too much of it. We had plans to celebrate that weekend.  3 days later he broke up with me.  I never got to see him or talk to him again.  

I know everyone makes choices but I feel better if I’m able to blame the BPD (and my abandonment issues that made us a “perfect” match) for why our relationship didn’t and can never truly work and why he seemed to have these impulsive emotions.  And ultimately why he ended things.

[Jillery]

More early morning thoughts... .

I copied this quote from a BPD article after I read it and it made me realize my ex became very different on his birthday.  “And periodically you will [feel love], but only to cycle back to the hater [stage] when you least expect it, possibly on his birthday, or your anniversary.”

I didn’t see him on his bday but that was the last day I spoke to him on the phone.  It was in the morning on a weekday.  He woke up grumpy and apologized for being so.  He ended the conversation sooner than usual and said he was going to go back to bed to try to get rid of his foul mood.  As he was often moody, I didn’t think too much of it. We had plans to celebrate that weekend.  3 days later he broke up with me.  I never got to see him or talk to him again.  

I know everyone makes choices but I feel better if I’m able to blame the BPD (and my abandonment issues that made us a “perfect” match) for why our relationship didn’t and can never truly work and why he seemed to have these impulsive emotions.  And ultimately why he ended things.

[Cromwell]

More early morning thoughts... .

I copied this quote from a BPD article after I read it and it made me realize my ex became very different on his birthday.  “And periodically you will [feel love], but only to cycle back to the hater [stage] when you least expect it, possibly on his birthday, or your anniversary.”

Morning Jillery

Would it be ok to post up the link to the article please it seems interesting topic.

how did you feel about him on your birthdays also, did he change much from the norm?

Thanks

[Jillery]

Good morning, Cromwell.  Here is the article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and on my last birthday I was getting the silent treatment for the second time from him.  I didn’t hear from him at all that day and probably the day after.  By the time he reached out, I was so happy to hear from him that I didn’t mention it until much later and only in passing.  So, you’re right, when I don’t hear from him for this bday, it will be just like last year.  Nothing to miss!  Thank you for that reminder and insight.  Makes me chuckle

[Cromwell]

Good morning, Cromwell.  Here is the article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and on my last birthday I was getting the silent treatment for the second time from him.  I didn’t hear from him at all that day and probably the day after.  By the time he reached out, I was so happy to hear from him that I didn’t mention it until much later and only in passing.  So, you’re right, when I don’t hear from him for this bday, it will be just like last year.  Nothing to miss!  Thank you for that reminder and insight.  Makes me chuckle

Thanks Jillery, was interesting read.

my ex (I dont like saying this term) but also dont like "the ex" either

whatever she was, I had been NC for 5 months, Christmas, New Year, my birthday passed by. Then on her birthday - and somehow I have even prepared mentally for this, she turned up drunk.

Im not sure about my experience on my birthdays when we were together, on the one hand I look back and I thought she did all her best to make it amazing for me. But I cant escape looking back and seeing it as a bit of narcissism traits going on. It felt as if it was not really about celebrating a birthday but celebrating that I was her favourite object and I was to be congratulated to be born for that purpose.

maybe im just reading too much in to it, but there is definatly something peculiar about these events. The bit in your article ties in with my thoughts of many things in general;

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

It does feel very much like not much of anything that ever went on, even I thought at the time, was about me. I got all of the above and a bit triggered by the one that goes

"that was the best ever for me" - its literally the last thing before I blocked her the actual words were "those were the best days". At least in the article the statement ends with "-for me", the way she spoke regularly was almost (was?) brainwashing. Wel I never validated that one, and when I did speak out and say "well, my best time was something else" - id get punished for not fitting in to her script she was machinating.

Jillery, there is a mountain to look back on and piece together if that is what helps, and it has helped up until a point of gaining some theories. But i feel what has opened my mind was to be reminded of so many times where I had in the r/s got those instinctive intuitive feelings that "somethings not right here", but I couldnt make sense why, so just brushed it aside.

I guess can only do so much sweeping until the day comes start to notice a problem and that is what ultimately happened. I notice something similar in your stories so far, that there were those moments you were unsure but you decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. It can feel in hindsight of being foolish, it isnt - its a sign of being a trusting person and it is not a loss to you in the long run but the person who took advantage of that trusting nature.

A few people have said to me stuff like "oh at least you were idolised, I was treated like %hit" and ive felt at times that maybe I handled the r/s well because of stuff like lots of attention on my birthday and good times. It was fools gold. The reason she did this was because she was tuned in that I was one foot out of the r/s since the day I suspect she cheated. If there were good times it was just to keep me hooked in, nothing more and it is in some ways harder to mentally accept than if I would have been treated with the disdain and contempt she otherwise felt.

it was always, all, about them. and that applies to anyone encountered beyond us - so it helps to depersonalise it, a bit at least.

I got a cake on her birthday that she impromptu turned up for . But it was my own way of celebrating that she was gone and how strong I had been not to contact her. These events can be triggering for us but we can make the extra effort to not let them, Im really pleased that you said this birthday was better or at least that you are not missing anything it sounds like whilst there is emotional upset youve really got your skates on to piecing together what happened I think that if you havent already tried, a journal helps to write down and look back at how feelings change, I wish i would have done this at the start but my mind wasnt in a journalling state. i recommend it if you feel able to Jillery.

[Jillery]

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Cromwell.  The birthday thing is very fascinating.  I’ve also read that NPD tend to ruin holidays.  

I made it through his bday and all the holidays, but getting a cake for her bday for YOU was a great idea.  Are you also the person who suggested writing a letter to the SO, adding postage, dropping it in the post, but leaving the envelope blank? I like that idea as well and may still do it.

With regards to journaling - this forum is now my own personal journal. I feel free to express my feelings here, and the feedback aspect is so tremendously helpful.  So thank you all for being my journal.

[Tsultan]

Jillery, 

That is a great path to take.    Looking at what lessons are learned and not becoming resentful.  Letting go with love.  I have heard it said that resentment is like drinking a poison intended for someone else but if don't let go of the resentment we end up drinking the poison ourselves.

I truly believe the untreated BPD person is doing their best with the tools that they have.  I do feel sorry for my exBPDbf and I want him to heal from his childhood wounds.  Some of that is for selfish reasons so that maybe we can have the relationship that I thought we could have or wanted it to be.  But, it's not in my time, in HP's time.

Thanks for sharing your story!

Tsultan

[Jillery]

Thank you, Tsultan.  If only I could be as compassionate to myself as I am to the ex.  As the red flags and realizations pop up, I am fighting the urge to get mad at myself for intentionally being so blind.  Realizing that the 2 major intimate relationships in my adult life were with partners with personality disorders is a tough pill to swallow.  Realizations about my childhood keep coming up too and while overwhelming, it does help to know that some of my coping mechanisms are a product of my upbringing - not just that I may be an a**hole.  I am seeing my T this afternoon and looking forward to it as last week’s session was so powerful.  I haven’t cried in days, so I am still seeing progress.  

As my mind processes all this stuff and I continue to ride the emotional roller coaster, I find that it helps to keep track of probabilities  vs. “what-ifs”.  Here’s what I have so far:

1.   The reason the ex was able to end our r/s so abruptly with seemingly no sadness is because on his end, it wasn’t abrupt at all.  He had been considering this for awhile and already had the next person lined up.  Therefore he bypassed most of the pain.  What I thought was depression the weeks before the breakup, where he pulled away and limited contact, was actually him spending time and energy with the new person.  Again, none of this is confirmed, but based on what I’ve learned, it’s very probable.

2.   No matter the specifics, his issues as well as mine are what allowed this dysfunctional r/s  to continue as long as it did:  The choices I made in the r/s need to be addressed and improved upon or I will end up in another dysfunctional r/s.

3.  I have these urges where I check the dating sites every few days to see if I’m really ready to start conversations with new people.  I’m so not ready, and end up hiding my profile.  This struggle is the Non version of #1 above.  Sitting with the pain while intentionally not dating is hard.  There is a real desire to frantically find someone new to numb this hurt.  The difference between me and the ex is, I feel bad holding myself out to people as “available to date”, when in reality I’m not yet.  I’m going to sit with this pain and learn from it, even though it hurts like crazy.  It’s best for me and best for anyone new in my life.

4.  I miss what I thought we had and who I thought he was.  I miss the fantasy, and that’s ok.  It’s understandable to those I explain it to and it will get better with time and internal work.

5.  He is very badly broken inside.  I can’t imagine him even admitting that fact to others, much less getting help for it.  Therefore, his r/s pattern will continue.  Just as mine has.  But I am determined to break my pattern and get to the bottom of my abandonment issues.  

That’s what I have so far.  Each day I am getting closer to accepting that the r/s wasn’t real in the way that I thought it was.  His behavior started the fantasy but mine kept it going. There will be no reconciliation, no romantic gesture where he tells me he’s done the hard work and is ready to love me properly.  Thoughts of our r/s will likely bring him shame.  This is why I won’t ever hear from him again.  I am dead to him.  When we nons  say things like “it would be easier if SO had just died”, that’s what I believe the BPDs do to us.  And they are successful, at least temporarily.  But pushing down feelings and lying to ourselves only makes things worse, whether BPD or non.  

These are my early morning thoughts today.  Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

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