Your stories and replies mean the world to me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone,

I just want to tell you all thank you. Your stories and replies mean the world to me. I wish I could meet each and everyone of you and give you the biggest hug and tell you:

You are special. You are worth it. You are worthy of being loved and cared for. You are caring. You are empathetic. You are loyal. You are genuine. You are going to be okay.

You did mean well. You did communicate. You did give your all. You did love them with every ounce of you. You did mean the things you said. You did corroborate that with action.

You aren’t your mistakes. You aren’t what they said to you. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t broken. You aren’t alone. You aren’t hopeless.

I have to repeat these things to myself. I am not out of my despair. I sit at home, alone, day in and day out. Feeling the weight of emptiness. It has became my closest friend.

I am committed to being alone. Finding myself and why I track to such toxic partners. I have no idea. I am devastated.

But, I do know I will be okay. Because of your stories.

Thank you. I love you. I’m praying for you.

[So many questions]

Hey everyone,

I just want to tell you all thank you. Your stories and replies mean the world to me. I wish I could meet each and everyone of you and give you the biggest hug and tell you:

You are special. You are worth it. You are worthy of being loved and cared for. You are caring. You are empathetic. You are loyal. You are genuine. You are going to be okay.

You did mean well. You did communicate. You did give your all. You did love them with every ounce of you. You did mean the things you said. You did corroborate that with action.

You aren’t your mistakes. You aren’t what they said to you. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t broken. You aren’t alone. You aren’t hopeless.

I have to repeat these things to myself. I am not out of my despair. I sit at home, alone, day in and day out. Feeling the weight of emptiness. It has became my closest friend.

I am committed to being alone. Finding myself and why I track to such toxic partners. I have no idea. I am devastated.

But, I do know I will be okay. Because of your stories.

Thank you. I love you. I’m praying for you.

[harbinger70]

Remember too that the next person they’re dating - even if it’s for a long time or longer than your relationship lasted - it’s still going to end the same way. People with BPD who are untreated or undiagnosed will never break the cycle. It doesn’t happen. So maybe you triggered your partner faster than the next person - it doesn’t matter. It will rupture like all BPD relationships do.

You’re lucky to be out of an unstable and inconsistent relationship with someone who has a very serious mental illness. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. But with a upwBPD even the smallest imperfection can cause a rupture. It’s inevitable.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you, I really, really needed that The same back to you and all of you!

[WhatToDo47]

I’m glad I could help in someway as this forum as really really helped me through some times. I pray for your journey friend, it is not easy. But we are strong for sticking it out. Some wouldn’t. I know I considered not

You and this thread and this website all really do help. I pray for everyone here. We are strong, as you say, and can learn from what happened to us and choose a different and happier, healthier future. I’m glad you stuck it through, everyone here is special and loved and worth it to stick it through and so are our pwBPD’s, they just have a different and very challenging path that we can thankfully say isn’t ours. This isn’t the end of the story for any of us.

I have talked to so many people who are a few years removed from our shoes, and ALL of them say that we will be okay if we do the work and that one day we will realize how blessed we are to be out of the cycle of crazy making, that one day this will be one of the best days of our lives (when it ended with pwBPD). I pray that day comes soon for you and me and all of us, and that our pwBPD’s finally get whatever help and peace they need.

[Good Intentions]

just like @So many questions I was recently discarded by my ex-gf w/ diagnosed BPD after 4 years together, and I have also really struggled with the urge to want to know what she's up to & how she's coping. We live like 2 blocks from one another and I have to actively resist the compulsion to drive by her place and see if she's home, or to stalk her social media to see if she posted any pictures recently.

I also completely agree with what @Mutt said - those 2 examples of ways in which I still allow her to influence my thoughts and actions are a great gauge of where I'm at in the healing process. I should be spending that time with myself, loving myself and leaning into both what I enjoy & what I need to work on. Because if I don't, then I think @MobyCloud is right - that sad energy will cling to me until I give myself the gift of freedom from it.

I'm really struggling too @So many questions...you & I have interacted on a couple other posts and I think I've mentioned that I didn't want my r/s with my ex-pwBPD to end, and was hoping she might have some sort of dramatic realization and reverse the discard. And I think a part of me still wants that. But I have also come to realize how much more I need to be focused on my own damaged self-esteem, and the sort of validation to build that will most certainly not come from my ex.

[So many questions]

Moby, you are right about everything. I am very codependent, I’m not sure where it comes from but I’m trying to through therapy. I live alone, so it’s much easier to ruminate and disappear. I work for myself(from home), so it’s just 24/7 alone. I am so alone.

I know she’s out there “living her best life” but it’s far from that. She’s just hopping to the next thing. Drinking her problems away. But I do get what you mean. I just don’t enjoy going out anymore. The things I enjoy are hobbies, where I’m alone, so i don’t enjoy them either.

I was so close to getting her away from that life. So so close to her turning a corner. I saw her wrestling with it daily. And that hurts. She was very high functioning and some days she really acted like she wanted a better life. To be better. That hurts.


Harbinger, I know her next will be just a dysfunctional as she has had zero time to heal from either of her prior relationships. She rushed into replacing her last ex with me. She told me know one ever took it the way I did or tried to understand her. Could be a love bomb, but I really did try my hardest. I wanted it to work. I would’ve done anything. I planned my life around her to keep her happy. And still would trigger her.

Good Intentions, we sound like we’re in the same boat. She was the one. I had every intention of marrying her. I never split. I never ended things unless she cheated(only to take her back).
And honestly, yeah, I still deep down even though I know she is horrible for me, want her to come running back. I want her to tell me how sorry she was and that the other guy was a huge mistake and she wants me. But, that isn’t going to happen. From what I have read, once they find a replacement, you become and after thought. Every now and then they might miss you and bring you out the drawer to play, but they’ve added another attachment.

Now I would have to deal with the insecurities of her new guy and if they recycle. It would be worse then where I am now.

I have no idea if I’ll ever hear from her again. I’m trying to accept it. I’ve put the ball in her court. I won’t reach out ever again. If she does, I don’t know what I will do.

I’m trying to focus on me. I spend all day alone at home reading not only about BPD but codependency. I pray and have dove into my faith. Gave up some bad habits that were toxic in my life.

But I’m still devastated. I’m not sure how long it will last. I don’t handle break ups well. I never have.

I’m just banking on the fact I’ve been through them before, and came out better. Hell, my ex years ago brought me to my lowest I thought. But I healed and ended up meeting the most amazing woman in the world, she just has BPD.

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

Your analogy of taking you out of the drawer to play is so appropriate.

The Saturday before our blowout written about in my letter, she texted me and invited me over to "talk." Within about 15 minutes, she initiated sex. It was incredible TBH, and I thought it meant something.

The next day she spent all day and night with my replacement and said she thought I understood that those had been "stolen hours" together but that she had moved on with someone else. She then had the complete lack of regard to tell me that she had not had vaginal sex with him yet because she was menstruating. But that she had let him put it "everywhere else." Who says that when I was obviously in pain to learn that our night of passion did not mean she had any intention of repairing our relationship.

Be careful if she does come back. It hurts more and more.

[So many questions]

That’s an absolutely bizarre thing to say. When I analyze it, it’s push/pull in one sentence “I have been with someone (push) but not fully so you can still love me when I want (pull)”. Very manipulative

I really don’t know if I will hear from her ever again. I have not the slightest idea what’s going on in her head. She might. And I dread that day.

Because
1) I have to avoid criticizing her for stringing me along while she was with someone else and when I found out, ghosting me without a word since. I can’t mention how she told people lies about me.
2) I fear her reaction when I set personal boundaries and say no for the first time in our existence of knowing each other.
3) My ego; to feel right. To bring her in and be like I told you so. I knew you loved me. (Fantasy)
4) My heart; it yearns for her presence and love bombing. And if given the opportunity, I could cave.

I just hope it’s further down the road when I’m strong and past the FOG. I hope they stay together forever. It’s a blessing in disguise. I don’t play second fiddle, so it’s the easiest way for me to move on.

It would be harder if she stayed single, out with friends, multiple guys, while we talk and see each other secretly. I can’t do that again.

Like you said, it makes it hurt more

[HeWho]

I’m pretty regular to this forum. It has helped me more than anyone will realize. It’s become a vice of sorts.

I want to document my journey for those who relate and want to follow it. And hopefully it’s a story of growth and healing and finding myself.

I am still in a really bad place. We had gotten back close, almost like we were together again. Then she suddenly needed space for her “personal growth and being alone”. Little did I know. We didn’t speak for a week and the day before Valentine’s Day I found out about my replacement. I confronted her, and she denied it. That hurt. I spent a couple days trying to get her to talk and admit it and she wouldn’t. Just cold texts with excuses. I just wanted her to tell me. I imagine she feels shame as she said she was gonna be completely alone for a year. Finally we cut contact on the 20th.

I spiraled. People began telling me about them. I ruminated on their honeymoon phase and how great it is. I thought of everything I could’ve done different. Now I’m just numb. Stuck reading this forum. Trying find a way to get over her. She cheated, lied, disappeared, raged, stonewalled, till it broke me and I became someone I am not.

I found out she was telling people things that weren’t true and after a week no contact I asked to speak to her. Nothing.

It is the wildest feeling to be on the opposing end of being replaced. She was seeing him while we got close and once she decided he could satisfy her needs - I don’t exist. I’m the worst thing in the world. A monster.. I’m owed nothing.

It has been devastating. We both are in the same circles. Both very well known in our city.  I can’t go anywhere. I get looks. Or someone asks about it.

I feel trapped. Like I need to move and start over. Quit my career. I’ve had intrusive thoughts. I just sit at home and read.

My family and friends are deeply concerned. I don’t want her back. I wish i never met her. She is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’ve never been this low. So why can’t I just see that and move on? Life has stopped. I’m stuck in this loop. I’m sick of feeling like this every moment of every day. I might feel relief for maybe an hour a week. I’m in therapy. CODA. I read constantly about codependency and BPD. I surround myself with friends. I go out only to be so bored with everything and it takes me right back to being there with her when it was good.

We leaned on each other. I have my own emotional issues. We both were PLEASE READed up. But I was never unfaithful in any way. I was her rock. And maybe sometimes she wasn’t always there fir me, but when it came down to it. We always made up.

I just need some support.

I know exactly how you feel right now... everyday is still a struggle. I told her no matter what I will always support and protect you. She cried in my arms and told me she believed me. I would never ever hurt her, even now I want to hold her. Every morning I wake up and grasp for her, reaching out only to be disappointed. Wanting to call her, smell her, feel her. The sensation of reality is a lot to bear. Everyday I want to cry, the emotions are intense. The feeling of betrayal, heartache and longing for her are sometimes overwhelming. I'm trying to rebuild myself brick by brick, one day at a time but I can't stop thinking about her. She's toxic, she betrayed you they say, but I still can't hate her. Even now I'd still take her back with the right changes.

It's been about 10 weeks since the no contact went into effect. I'm no longer crying everyday. I've finally recognized that I thought this whole time I was the issue in the relationship. In a lot of ways I was. I didn't stick to my boundaries, I almost lost who I was. But at your worst, you can only get better from there. Each day is a new struggle, a new journey of self love. I me chance to be better for myself. I realized that once I became weak, once I was no longer a superior person in her eyes, that's when I became the weak villan. Someone who had to be discarded. So now I have the choice of continuing that pit fall out pulling myself out of the hole. Rebuilding myself one minute, one day at a time. I'm with you my friend. I feel your pain. It is nice to know I'm not alone. I often wonder if I'm trapped in a nightmare and this can't be reality. But the sad truth is, we are here and we are fighting to make reality better for ourselves.

[Kaufmann]

One of the best things you can do is delete your social media. You're addicted. I'm addicted; I get it. Having a social media account is like the alcoholic keeping a bottle of whiskey in the cupboard. You're just not strong enough. I'm not either.

I know they won’t last and im horrified of her contacting me once that happens.

I think you still have hope in your heart, hoe that somehow, someway, maybe just maybe, she'll come to her senses and realize what she lost in you. Hope is awful.

I think it's only possible to move on if one of two things happen. First, you have to stop loving her. And if you're anything like me, that just ain't gonna happen. Second, you have to completely lose hope that things between you two could ever work out, that she will ever be healthy enough to give you the love you deserve.

Ugh, you're in hell, and I'm in a very similar hell, and so I get it. Try to take meaingful actions -- like getting off social media -- to help. Try your hardest to rid yourself of hope. And talk to yourself constantly, tell yourself what a good friend would say: "You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved," "This suffering is making you into the person you're meant to be," "Your person is out there, and once your heart heals, you will find them."

[So many questions]

You’re not wrong. I know a part of me still wants that. It’s really hard to come to terms thats it’s over and for the best. I’m not there. I know it’s for the best, but I still can feel the attachment.

I have to have social media for my business. I just need to stop. I’ve gotten a lot better. This forum helps immensely.. But as you know, it’s hard. Thank you for your support, friend.

[So many questions]

HeWho,

Thank you man. I can relate to everything you said so intensely.
10 weeks is a long time. It scares me to think I may still feel like this then. I too had no boundaries. I did lose myself to it.

You didn’t become weak. Betrayal without reconciliation and remorse is not easy to deal with. Trust is all you have. If it repeats - they’re the weak ones. You stayed faithful, loving, showed grace; even after the split; nothing weak about any of that.

I couldn’t take her back, nor do I think she will return. But it’s impossible to forget the good. It’s impossible to not let it effect me at some point throughout the day.

It’s weird to think I may never speak to her again. I’m dealing with it. One day at a time. The success stories on here give me hope.

Take care of yourself man. I’d love an update if anything ever happens.

[T0M]

How did you guys handle this at first? We’re NC. But I gotta stop checking social media. I can’t stop ruminating at times on the image of her love bombing him and the sex and just yeah. Some days I feel liberated. I know she is awful for me. She cheated multiple times, even with her “abusive” ex.  Massive anger issues. Disappearing acts.
 

It's normal you check her social media in times like this. Just make sure that before you start looking you think about what you 'want' to find and what you 'will' find. If what you want to find is to put her in a bad spotlight and you hope to feel better by it, than don't. It will not make yo feel better. And by the sounds of it, I'm sure you will not find what you are hoping to find.

What you will find is probably a confirmation of what you already know.

Social media is really a disease. My GF with BPD is always complaining that everybody else is doing fun stuff and we never do anything. I tried to explain her that social media is not representative at all. We had a big argument about it. So during this argument I asked her to smile, took a selfie of the two of us and posted it online. I showed it to her and asked her if this photo was representative for how we were feeling at the moment.

The confusion afterwards :-)

[So many questions]

It only brings negativity. There’s no reason to check. It’s more often now that I stop myself because I feel the anxiety before I even do it. I know it will only hurt me, what I’m looking for won’t be there - just pain and imaginary thoughts.

It is so toxic. And it is all a facade. Well done displaying that to her . I can’t count the number of arguments we had because of it. She’d call me the worst things in the world, break up with me, and the next day were on her social media looking happy as ever.

[Ellala]

Thank you for this kind message. Such uplifting words! Hugs to you too

I trust you will find a much deeper alignment and understanding of yourself and create relationships that reflect the love within you.

Man, is this painful though... Confronting. I thought I'd done so much work and this experience is showing me there is more to go. I feel I've been brought me to my knees and I too am committed to learning what I need to know… seeing lots of patterns in the ways I have shortchanged myself and failed to honor my own needs.

[Rev]

Beautiful testimony,

Stick around - you can find a way to pay it forward. I have found that to be very healing personally.

Rev

[So many questions]

I’ve been trying to be strong but here’s the truth -

I really don’t know where else to turn. I’m devastated, living alone with no one to turn to. My friends and family don’t get it. I feel I’m exhausting them and not fun to be around.

I have never been this depressed. Ever; while my ex is with her replacement, out every night, doing things we did, being “in love”, acting like I don’t exist. Acting so unbothered. She moved on just a week after the recycle.

I know she’s not good for me. I know we can never be. I know what she did to me. I know the mistakes I made. I know how toxic it got. I know I can never contact her again. But I just can’t get past it.

I have never loved someone so deeply. With such passion.. with absolute certainty this was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Through all the bad, the good outweighed it because she really is that amazing. Just the most mesmerizing human you could ever meet. She just has a disorder that is a constant battle.

No one else would do the work I have. No one will study BPD the way I have. i could put up a better effort than anyone she will ever meet. I just want to understand her. Be there for her. Show her abandonment isn’t an option with me. Be her rock. We were so close to a break through.

I know I sound ridiculous. I just needed to get this out to let this feeling go. I’m very lost. This board is a fantastic escape.

[NotAHero]

I’ve been trying to be strong but here’s the truth -

I really don’t know where else to turn. I’m devastated, living alone with no one to turn to. My friends and family don’t get it. I feel I’m exhausting them and not fun to be around.

I have never been this depressed. Ever; while my ex is with her replacement, out every night, doing things we did, being “in love”, acting like I don’t exist. Acting so unbothered. She moved on just a week after the recycle.

I know she’s not good for me. I know we can never be. I know what she did to me. I know the mistakes I made. I know how toxic it got. I know I can never contact her again. But I just can’t get past it.

I have never loved someone so deeply. With such passion.. with absolute certainty this was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Through all the bad, the good outweighed it because she really is that amazing. Just the most mesmerizing human you could ever meet. She just has a disorder that is a constant battle.

No one else would do the work I have. No one will study BPD the way I have. i could put up a better effort than anyone she will ever meet. I just want to understand her. Be there for her. Show her abandonment isn’t an option with me. Be her rock. We were so close to a break through.

I know I sound ridiculous. I just needed to get this out to let this feeling go. I’m very lost. This board is a fantastic escape.

 I feel bad for you and hence this tough response.  As I responded to you before I’m in the exact same situation except it’s 5 years relationship with a child.  This is why what I’m about to say is what I accepted about me. It will sound harsh and cruel but you need to work on understanding it.

 Everything you had with her is a lie. It was never ever about you. You were just an unlucky pawn who she fixated on. It has absolutely nothing to do with what or who you are. Please understand this.

 I’m a top earner financially, multiple degrees, fit, talented and can talk very well among many other things.

 My replacement ? A broke over weight guy who happened to ask her out the day after she tried to come back to me. She is mirroring and idolizing him just like she did with me except there were things to idolize about me. She is believing everything he SAYS and denying everything I ever DID.  It has nothing to do with who I am or who he is. It is an extreme case.

 So your replacement is not special. The fun the chase provides her will fade. The replacement will either dump her or will be just as unlucky as you. There is nothing good that will ever come from your love for her or missing her. I finally got to the point of putting that knowledge to work. Now her calls , messages or advances mean nothing to me. You need to understand that is your best option. The honeymoon phase is not coming back, ever. She already painted you black. Move on, heal, leave, do yourself a favor.

[So many questions]

I guess it’s hard to accept the lie that I was just a fixture. I was apart of her life. I became apart of her family. I was an intricate part of her life. Minus some drunk nights where she made hurtful decisions, things were very serious and we spent all our time together. 

On my end it felt real. I genuinely love her. I genuinely felt so much connection to this person. I genuinely wanted to start a family and life time commitment with her. Her family was special and I loved them dearly, but they despise me from the smear. To be just a pawn, I feel so so foolish. It makes me question everything I know.

My replacement too is a major step down. 23 her 30. I’ve never mentioned this and it’s so chaotic and deep rooted. But my replacement’s ex, is the rebound of her ex before me. So it seems like some subconscious revenge. It’s a reality show. Chaos. But very much more inline with her old lifestyle(drinking every night, coke,  impulsiveness)

I don’t know. Every day is different. Some days i see so clearly. Others I ruminate. I guess it just takes time and one day the rejection becomes numbness. And we learn to live without them

[lietome]

Hi, I’m deeply concerned about how you feel. I’m in the same situation : one part of me realizes that everything was a lie, other part of me wants to keep living in illusions and beautiful fantasies. A couple of days ago I canceled my antipsychotic pills and started to hallucinate. Now when I’m working from home, sometime I can turn my head left and see her and keep talking with her for an hour or so. It started to happen and I don’t want my reality back. I want my fantasy.

[lietome]

I’m also devastated and no where to turn. Before she replaced me we adopted a cat and now I live alone with my cat.  I know this cat will never deceive me. She likes tasty food and to play. I know how to make her happy 
My friends and family do not enjoy talking anymore with me. They just don't answer my calls.  My sister is a professional psychiatrist and she told me to go kill myself because she is unable to cure me.
I remember how much harm she did to me but I still want her back and I’m unable to to get past it.

[lietome]

Yesterday I tried to kill my self by mixing clonazepam, mexazolam, ketilept and a bottle of Jack. But it didn't work and I'm still alive. I'm not promoting in any way any suicidal toughs, just trying to describe what happened to me.

[Ellala]

Yesterday I tried to kill my self by mixing clonazepam, mexazolam, ketilept and a bottle of Jack. But it didn't work and I'm still alive. I'm not promoting in any way any suicidal toughs, just trying to describe what happened to me.

I hope you are ok. I am so sorry you are suffering. As painful as all this is, it is temporary. Your life will get better. I believe in you.
Do you have a therapist or is there anyone you can reach out to? 
You deserve support and care.

[15years]

I'm just randomly going to throw this idea at you two - try to obsess over some new topics. A few days ago I started to read a lot about human evolution on wikipedia and the concept of mitochondrial eve and most recent common ancestor for all people on earth. I tried to think about this as my wife was ranting at me and it felt kind of empowering and kept me more in my reality. As a bonus it really put my life in perspective to the earths history. We humans as homo sapiens sapiens has existed for 300000 years, its unfathomable.

[Ellala]

I know she’s not good for me. I know we can never be. I know what she did to me. I know the mistakes I made. I know how toxic it got. I know I can never contact her again. But I just can’t get past it.

I have never loved someone so deeply. With such passion.. with absolute certainty this was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Through all the bad, the good outweighed it because she really is that amazing. Just the most mesmerizing human you could ever meet. She just has a disorder that is a constant battle.

No one else would do the work I have. No one will study BPD the way I have. i could put up a better effort than anyone she will ever meet. I just want to understand her. Be there for her. Show her abandonment isn’t an option with me. Be her rock. We were so close to a break through.

I hear you. And that is a gift, to love so deeply. To be there for someone so fully.
And what heart ache, to realize that the best option is to never be with that person, yet want nothing more to be with that person. I feel your pain. I thought my ex and I were also so close to a break through, the day before he broke up. It seems that the deeper the intimacy, the greater the distance.  

I am starting to see this an opportunity to learn how to be there as deeply for me as I was for him. To understand me. To be my own rock.

Trying to sort through was it real, did he love me, was it a lie, etc put my mind into a spin. I've been plagued by thoughts about him, us, our time together, the broken promises, the sweetness, the closeness etc. Trying to get the lens back on myself has been a real challenge. To stop ruminating.  To make matters worse, I was shaming myself for even thinking about him…. like why can't I just move on? Why am I giving him so much of my internal time and energy?

This might sound weird… but perhaps it will bring some self compassion to your heartache.

Yesterday I had the awareness, I lost a person and relationship from my life that was deeply meaningful to me… of course I am going to feel sad, angry, lost, afraid, etc.
This may sound morbid… but I thought about other types of loss… like what if I lost my health, any of my senses, body parts, ability to _____, it would probably take a long time to accept the new reality. When I thought about that, I mean, really thought what that would be like, it gave me some perspective on my suffering. It didn't take away any of the feelings, but I started to realize that I can and will heal from this.
 
I believe you can and will get past this. And you will be stronger and clearer.
You are strong. And it is ok to feel lost and devastated. And it is brave to recognize and honor that. None of these feelings are permanent.

I've been working through the abandonment recovery workbook, and found it to be a good companion in this healing journey.

[Ellala]

I'm just randomly going to throw this idea at you two - try to obsess over some new topics. A few days ago I started to read a lot about human evolution on wikipedia and the concept of mitochondrial eve and most recent common ancestor for all people on earth. I tried to think about this as my wife was ranting at me and it felt kind of empowering and kept me more in my reality. As a bonus it really put my life in perspective to the earths history. We humans as homo sapiens sapiens has existed for 300000 years, its unfathomable.

This is a great reminder.

[So many questions]

Thank you all for your support. It means the world to me.

Ellala, it is a gift. It is a blessing to know I am capable of fully loving someone and committing my life to them. With me ex, it was the easiest decision I ever made. And I’ve never felt it with anyone. So it’s just really hard to let go, and also know she’s out there doing the same with someone else. Making someone else fall head over heels for her - when she’s in no place to genuinely feel that way. She’s just filling a void.

I feel so foolish. Duped. It all felt so real and passionate and yeah. I saw her break down and those times felt the most real. When she was admitting something was wrong. We almost broke through. It’s devastating.

Lietome, I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I can’t speak for it getting better, but we need you here friend.  It definitely seems like the easiest alternative. But I can’t do that to my family. It’s toughest for me at night but I’m learning to just go to sleep. Lay there as long as it takes. And tomorrow always comes, dreadfully.

I don’t know how long this will last. It’s having a terrible effect on my career and day to day life. While she’s just out there thriving.

It makes me not want to give my heart away ever again. I sometimes wish I was cluster B and could just move on without remorse or thought.

Unfortunately, I am a codependent.