Need someone to talk to about my ended relationship

[Rs250]

I'm new on here today, l apologise if I'm not posting in the right area.

I was in my old job for 5 years as a bus driver, Oct 22nd last year a new female driver started, I instantly thort wow she's seem nice, been single 2 years had a 8 year relationship with a non bpd had 2 children but we grew apart we are good friends now. A couple of weeks went by we got talking and one day she was late for work so my boss said can you take her out as she was late, we instantly clicked. Dec last year l asked her for a coffee she said yes! Was so happy, went for a coffee, went back to mine just to kill time for an hour and we slept together... her idea not mine, it was amazing, 8th December we had out Xmas party at work, she stayed at mine, a night of passion again 10th Dec we officially got together all seemed so right at the time.

Things were great, we were spending so much time together, Nye l stayed at hers, we saw in the new year in great food company then she just came out with everything! How her ex husband physically beat her, raped her, ripped her off financially, how her granmother took her kids off her as she had a controlling grandmother, she also told me everything every micro detail about her past sexual encounters in grave detail, how she has men always wanting to sleep with her, not leaving her alone, having 3 sexual harassment cases in her last 3 jobs she won every case and all these men lost their jobs, she told me to and bragged how she slept with a 15 year old boy when she was 29, l couldn't believe why she told me this... why? It was like she was trying to tell me how lucky l am to have her, maybe I'm wrong. She then started to reveal her true in the next couple of weeks.

Her drug use cannabis and cocaine use really came into play, l had no idea she was into this stuff. She smoked all weekends Friday night, all day Sat and Sunday then drive her bus 6am Monday morning. I feel for her big time but l was absolutely distrort she started doing this usage in front of me, sometimes she was so high she wouldn't speak to me for hours l felt so alone, she started to now lie about her life and where she was going n who she was with, l felt out of my depth wrestling in my mind working with her as bus drivers how she could drive a bus while being completely over the drug driving limit, l confronted her about this as l couldn't cope, she went mad at me, she looked at me said "once a stoner always a stoner, nobody is ever guna change that so do even f☆☆☆☆☆ try, do you hear me"

She distanced herself from me over the next week or so, she didn't text and got to work earlier to avoid me, work colleagues asked me why I'm so insecure l said what you going on about? Their response was oh G☆☆☆ been saying 'your insecure, controlling ect this hurt.' The drug use still continued and so did the lies, l caught her lying openly when l saw her having her hair done when she was meant to be at her solicitors, she said " nope wasn't me darlin" it was her, her car was parked outside and it was 100% her, l couldn't believe she was so calm about lying and then called me a liar and that l was stalking her, l was only popping to get a drink from a shop l had no idea she was having her hair done, she was meant to be in a completely different part of town.

On March 8th 2019, l snapped l ended the relationship! I wasn't getting nothing, her moods at work towards me was unbearable but the everyone else at work she was completely fine with, we spoke at work it was awkward to say the least l asked her why she was so hateful towards me, she said " you have devasted me, I'm great a putting on a mask, I'm strong when l need to be" it was a though she was a completely different person around me compared to my work colleagues.

On the days following me leaving her l started to miss her, the anxiety the sick feeling started, my self blame started l wanted her to change. A week later l was called into the managers office, we weren't speaking she was ignoring me basically, my manager said to me a harassment allegation has been made against you from your ex, l couldn't believe it. My boss was my best friend for 37 years he said to stay away from her. He said l know her history of employment. So l did, she was acting so normal to everyone like nothing has happened, this got to me how she could hate me so much. A few days passed she approached me at work, l panicked as l didn't want to be accussed of harassment again. But she said "lm sorry lm just angry and devastated you left me and that l wasn't good enough for you" l said to her l was getting nothing from her she said, "your to insecure, l need someone strong not weak"

We agreed to meet for a coffee to talk she said I'd like to try n salvage a friendship with you (me). That evening l got a text saying "l cant do this again again, there's no more us, never will be, move on, draw a line in the sand and keep well away from me"

This sent me into a state I've never experienced before, it was like she was dumping me to get her own back for me leaving her. After that weekend l took some holiday, when l returned to work all my colleagues completely ignored me except one! He pulled me to one side and told me how she's poisoned everyone against me, saying all sorts. I approached my boss he said to me " whats the big deal, l do drugs and the weekend, you need to grow up a bit and stop making things up" at this lt dawned on my that my ex has influenced him too, he (My boss) admitted he's frightened of her after a heated dispute between us, l couldn't cope no more so l went to doctors she signed me off for chronic anxiety and stress. I went into turmoil still am really but l could not return to my old job and work with this ex of mine just to to painful.

It's been 3 months now, she's cut me off as I'm dead to her, l miss her terribly, I beat myself up physically and mentally blame myself for everything  that failed in this short but so intense rollacoster, lie filled, drug filled relationship that lasted just 12 weeks. I miss her, daily, l constantly wonder why she tormented me with her past sexual behaviour. She's in my head constantly it's driving me mad. I think she has traits of bpd l didn't know anything about bpd until l reasearched it and it seems her past relationships, numerous jobs, numerous one nighters, drug abuse alcohol consumption, lies the always the victim and never saying sorry ever to anything and the drama too.

Reading what I've put here please someone give me some advice to help me stop torturing myself sorry for such a long post. I'm new new job l discovered so many lies about her and the support from my new collegues has been great, many have worked with her at some point due to her numerous jobs and one sexual harassment case she had was a complete lie as I've spoken to the poor bloke as l now work with him now he told me some home truths that just bring home the whole relationship was just a lie. I now n again pass her on the road and l try so hard to block her out of view but when l see her l panic have panic attacks, even though shes cut me off and l have too it's like she still controlling me and her silence is deafening she's in my mind constantly but l just can't atm stop wondering what's she's up to, why she lied she even said many times I'm a lovely man but why o why did she do this to me just want answers but not getting them. No contact I've stuck to but have relapsed by looking on her FB but she's blocked me too she really hates me! WHY?

[HarborBP]

Dear Rs250,

Wow, such an awful story! Yet unfortunately an experience that is anything but unique to you. Hundreds, thousands, have shared similar tragic tales on this site. Crawling out of your current funk will take willpower and effort but you can do it. Start by making an objective assessment of the relationship. By objective I mean reflecting on both her positive and negative qualities.

It is easy for many of us nons to focus on the positive qualities that drew us in so deeply while discounting the awful, hurtful behaviors inherent in bpd. There can be therapy in focusing on the terrible treatment you received The goal is not to hate back but to remind yourself that you are a decent human being that deserves to be treated in the same manner you treat others. And make no mistake, in this particular relationship you were treated badly.

Until you do this you will keep her atop a pedestal. The problem with this is if she is on a pedestal, while treating you so poorly, the only conclusion you can draw is the nasty things she said about you must be true. NOT! This individual has temporarily succeeded in trashing your self esteem. Perhaps she is not the first person to have done that in your life. Many here, myself included, operate with diminished self esteem and are working to overcome such negative self assessment.

There are many resources available to you on this site. Take time to check them out. Learn all you can about bpd and your particular reasons for having been sucked into a relationship so damaging to your self esteem. It's a tough way to grow but through hard work you'll come out the other side a better person.

HarborBP

 

[gotbushels]

Rs250   

I join HarborBP, welcome.

Her drug use cannabis and cocaine use really came into play, l had no idea she was into this stuff.

A lot of us don't know about the amount of substances a person uses until we get closer to them. Me too, I'd feel surprised and confused if I found out.

On the days following me leaving her l started to miss her, the anxiety the sick feeling started, my self blame started l wanted her to change.

When we date someone, when we sleep with someone, and the relationship ends, yes—we may miss these things. We miss them more when we have more emotional interest in them. If we hope for a companionship with someone, of course we may want them to change. This is more true if what they do does harm to themselves.

"your to insecure, l need someone strong not weak"

My ex said these things to me too. My ex also had a lot of problems like this woman in your life too. For these people, you can know that they say these things because of their qualities, personality, and traits. What they say is less true and straight-talking, more to justify to themselves why they do things to others and themselves.

Coming from a similar situation to you, I share this with you. It's our job to choose our own values and beliefs. It's not our job to change others. We can influence people if we want—but how they choose to behave is always their choice.

I hope you have peace in your life and look forward to you sharing more.

[Turkish]

 What do you feel keeps you hooked?

[Rs250]

Thanks very much indeed for your replies. It's difficult to comprehend for me that someone can treat someone like this, lve not been involved with someone with bpd before or anyone who has a drug abuse problem openly lied took my self respect away, As regards the question... what keeps me hooked on her?

I honestly can't narrow it down to one thing. The sex was so intense and she was extremely pleasing and always made 100% effort in this department the only thing that did seem important to her it's as though maybe she was trying to keep me sort of thing. Lies she's told me about stuff, I'm over thinking if everything was a lie especially when she said in the beginning she was in love with me and l swept her off her feet when it was all.good. l told her my inner most secrets stupidly l did this as she was to honest about opening up to me about her past unnatural sexual behaviour and all her sexual harassment cases and her husband abusing her physically and in other ways the way he cheated on her (l doubt this was the case l think she cheated on him) l miss the woman in the beginning and I'm quite sensitive l have a permanent colostomy bag myself and she made comments about this to in a sexual way that hurt... pointing out numerous times the things she couldn't physically do to me cause l have the colostomy, my friend said it was to demorilise me.

So l just need to get unhooked now 3.5 months on lve got a new job and got away from her but l miss her all the time... I'm physically and mentally sick of her in my mind constantly l actually want to move on but feel stuck in my own mind.

[gotbushels]

lve not been involved with someone with bpd before or anyone who has a drug abuse problem openly lied took my self respect away[...]

Many of us here were surprised when we came across similar things in our relationships.

Lies she's told me about stuff, I'm over thinking if everything was a lie especially when she said in the beginning she was in love with me [...]

Many of them loved us and us too, I think many of us face the integrity question much more with relationships like these than other relationships.

l told her my inner most secrets stupidly l did this as she was to honest about opening up to me about her past unnatural sexual behaviour [...]

A lot of us trusted our partners and exes. When we trust people enough, we don't expect a betrayal of that trust, and for many of us it feels natural to divulge secrets. We share secrets with people we trust. You thought you could trust her at the time, or at least part of you felt you could—and that's OK.