Lost mother of adult daughter with BPD

[Mm2mb]

My 25 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. She lives at home with my husband and I, along with her twin sister, her husband and their two young sons and my mother. We were one big happy family until things really started to go sideways over the last 6 months. My daughter has always struggled with her emotional needs, SI, cutting and anger but the last 6 months it’s gotten worse. The last two months have been extreme and the last two weeks have been brutal. She has been hospitalized two times in last month and we are all at a total loss. Most recently we had to call an ambulance and police and have her removed from the home. She was released within hours and her girlfriend brought her back here. She is currently very angry with my husband and I mad does not believe we love her. She makes very hurtful comments to us and blames us for everything that s going wrong in her life. She can “fake it” with me enough to get basic needs for herself met but can’t even look my husband in the eye and the tension between them is horrible. He recently told me he was going to move out until my daughter was able to move out in January. There are lots of uncontrollable factors at play that keep her from being able to move out (as she sees things) so he has offered to leave to keep the peace in the home. Her twin sister does not want my husband to leave nor does any one else...they all seem to be on board with her leaving instead. I can’t ask her to leave... it would mean leaving her dogs behind and of course be a huge blow emotionally. It would validate her belief that she is not loved. On the other hand... our home is toxic right now. We walk on egg shells all the time. I am braking out in hives and not sleeping from all the stress... to complicate things even more she is having surgery in two weeks that will render her u able to have children. She doesn’t want them but at the same time it seems that this all went to the next level when she learned the surgery was happening. She has been gone for the last 48 hours because I begged her girlfriend to get her out of house for that time so we could all have a break...she comes back tomorrow and I am terrified. I don’t want to hurt my daughter and I don’t want to keep putting her abusive behaviors ahead of everyone else in the home.
She is set to start a DBT program in 3 weeks and agrees she needs help and skills. That is good but...she also seems to using her new diagnosis as a free pass to abuse us and make us the enemy... I just want this pain to end for her and the abuse to stop.  The world is already crazy enough and family has been what has gotten us through the last year and a half but I don’t know how we are going to get through the next 3 weeks. Any help would be good.
Thank you
Mm2mb

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey Mm2mb, welcome to the group -- glad you found us. More support is always better when there's a pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life.

Am I tracking correctly that it's your BPD_D25, and NOT her twin, who is married and has husband/kids also living with you guys? Want to make sure I'm getting things straight.

Sounds like while there's agreement among family members that "things need to change" and "we can't all go on living together like this", there's disagreement and conflict about WHO needs to be the one to move out. Many think that BPD_D25 needs to; you are struggling with what that would entail.

she is having surgery in two weeks that will render her unable to have children. She doesn’t want them but at the same time it seems that this all went to the next level when she learned the surgery was happening.

OK, I must be not tracking... it is her twin sister who is married with the kids, then, and it's BPD_D25 who has no kids? But this surgery, which is coming up quickly, is taking some control away from her. Oof. People with BPD do NOT do well when they don't feel "in control". It's no wonder D25 is acting out and spewing all her feelings on you guys.

I don’t want to hurt my daughter and I don’t want to keep putting her abusive behaviors ahead of everyone else in the home.

That's the crux of it, isn't it? I think sometimes we either "get told" that if we put ourselves first, it "means" we are hurting others, or we have that internal belief: "I can't leave and take care of myself now, it's selfish and will have a negative impact on the kids... I have to suffer through this to take care of them".

One concept that gets a lot of airtime here is the whole airplane oxygen mask thing -- you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you will be able to help others put on theirs. If you don't take care of yourself first, then how can you care for others? I'm guessing that conceptually you agree with this... but maybe the hard part is in the "how do I do that"...?

She is set to start a DBT program in 3 weeks and agrees she needs help and skills. That is good but...she also seems to using her new diagnosis as a free pass to abuse us and make us the enemy... I just want this pain to end for her and the abuse to stop.  The world is already crazy enough and family has been what has gotten us through the last year and a half but I don’t know how we are going to get through the next 3 weeks.

I'm with you -- good she accepts that she needs assistance. Is it a residential program?

And also with you -- not great that she's using this time before the program to "let it all out".

I hear you're concerned that if you "kick her out", she won't be able to bring her dogs, and will also feel unloved. We can talk about that more, for sure. Lots to unpack there.

Until then, can you and your H and the rest of the family go somewhere else for a long weekend? Local hotel? Cabin? That would let D25 have her dogs and be at the house, and the rest of you don't have to participate in receiving the abuse. That's sort of where I'd lean if I knew I just had to make it through a couple of weeks. Do whatever YOU need to do to survive until she launches in the program. Buy some time and space to decompress and put on your oxygen mask.

Let us know how things have been going;

kells76

[Sancho]

t's interesting that you were all 'one big happy family' until about 6 months ago even though your daughter had some instances of cutting etc.

How long has she been waiting for the surgery? Can you think of anything that set this off around six months ago? If the surgery was mentioned then, I think it would be a contributing factor.

It sounds as though there is a plan that she move out in January, in the meantime there is the surgery plus the DBT therapy.

I think moving your daughter out at this point in time might not be a good idea - in fact it might make things worse (you might think this is not possible!)

I like Kells idea of weekends away, trying to mix things up while you get through these next few months. Of course this might not be possible, but you might be able to break up routines etc so that there can be some distance between you and your daughter and your husband and daughter.

The most difficult thing is that you are now piggy in the middle - caught between your husband and daughter and the rest of the family. Is it possible for you to get help with a counsellor yourself - or you and your husband talk to someone together.

I have found that 'quick' solutions - ones to ease the tension of the moment - haven't worked in my situation. In the end I had to accept that I had to deal with the awful situation (yes police, court stuff, holes in walls, foul verbal abuse).

I don't know how I would do that though if I was in your situation with all the other people in the household. I find it easier to deal with tension my self than dealing with the tension between others. I really feel for your situation.

Can you let us know how you are going and if you can see any way to help you get through these next few weeks. I will be thinking of you and sending support and understanding.

[Mm2mb]

Thank you both so much and yes there is a lot to unpack. Both of my daughters live at home along with my son in law two young grandsons and mother. Multigenerational living was a good option to support the whole family… or so it seemed at the time. My daughter with BPDis “Madi” and as stated has always had some stuff. The last six months or so seem to be about the time she started to date her current girlfriend. She has of course had some pretty, lets just say eventful and chaotic relationships in the past. She also did experience a pretty traumatic out of the blue break up with her previous live in girlfriend a month before starting this new relationship. I don’t want to blame the current girlfriend for the current state of things but do think that there are some things about her that contribute to things at the same time. She has definitely done her share of stirring the pot but she is also someone my daughter does trust and love so I chose not to stir back… the surgery stuff came about after she had already started having episodes but I do agree has definitely contributed to a lot of her current mental state.
I think at this point we are just holding our breath and hoping to get through the next week (surgery is Tuesday) and then we can exhale.  Who knows what will be waiting on other side of things but that is one marker we can check off. We have been able to set some boundaries with her at this point in time and yes, we do leave often for weekends or over night. Her twin sister and I tend to take turns with our husbands leaving so we don’t leave her here completely alone since I think we are all terrified we will come home to a horrible scene. This weekend is the twins turn to go away which of course gives me anxiety since I know that me and my husband are still the enemy.
I do still have hope that “Madi” will get the help she needs since she is open to it. That is huge for sure and I recognize that. The DBT program is amazing and one that I have referred many clients to in the past (ironically a social worker and addiction therapist myself). It is an outpatient program but a true DBT program that completely follows every aspect of the practice. She will go two days a week and has agreed to fully commit to it. She does also want to get better and I see that. I wish my husband could also see that. I just know he is tired of the abuse from her and honestly has been experiencing it far longer than the rest of us have. He is not her bio dad but has been way more involved in her life than bio dad has. He does love her like his own and has raised her since she was 12. He has been the first man I think she could fully trust and he has always been there for her. There is a lot of abandonment from bio dad of course who I think she may speaks to once or twice a year when she goes to see her nana, who he lives with. Sometimes it feels like she punishes my husband for the things her bio dad never did or did wrong. It hurts him of course and it feels like he may finally be over it. He is angry and frustrated that we have spent our savings to create a life for her and have lost 100s of thousands of dollars trying to do that and she hates him more for it because we can no longer do it. So complicated f course and so many layers to all of the feelings and emotions at play. I am of course still lost and wishing for less complicated times… we used to have a cabin at a lake that I would go to and escape in times like this or would send the twins to. Great place to reboot and trust me I would have moved in two months ago after watching “Madi” stab herself in the leg 20+ times during an episode…but it burned to ground a year ago to date during wild fires that have impacted our state. Some of that trauma from last year has myself and husband a bit tense too as it does “Madi” since we were evacuated from our permanent home too.  Madi was on animal duty and was living out of the bed of a truck for two weeks before we could bring animals home…we lost our cabin then gf broke up with er, then an ice storm where we had no power for two weeks and ongoing COVID mess, my husband and I running out f money to continue to care for the farm animals and needing to downsize and her to go back to work and start helping pay her own living expenses and then of course 6 weeks ago being told she has to have part of her cervix removed due to possible cervical cancer fro HPV…. Yeah, I don’t blame her for the stress she feels..
 We are all feeling it. I just want her to not stab her leg when she doesn’t know what else to do….
So the solution now is we wait and we leave when we can. We read books and try not to walk on egg shells… and I cry and hope that my daughter and my husband can trust each other again some day…I guess I would settle for that at this point. Of course I want my happy family back…. But if she can be happy and they can trust each other again that would maybe put the stars back into alignment. So now we wait… breath deeply… and I will silently cry/sob when no one is looking…
Thank you both for your feedback and thoughts. Perspective is helpful and so validating… honestly seeing that two people took the time to even read what I wrote gave me the validation I needed. You never know with these forums and I am grateful to you both. Thank you for hearing me and for seeing me. I will do better about connecting more not only for myself but for others.