Worried for my son

[Cair_Paravel]

Hello all, this is my first post-I have really had hope reading all of  your posts in this thread finally finding somewhere where I can feel that people understand what I am going through, I'm sure you have all experienced how isolating it can be.  I will try to keep this brief.

In a nutshell, my 19 YO daughter has BPD, never got to the point of official diagnosis, because she drops out of services before that point, but I am a therapist and qualified to know it when I see it-she also identifies as having BPD (except when she is shrugging off any help offered)

Things have been very up and down over the last 5 years. She lived with her father for a time aged 15-17 as the violence towards me became unacceptable. She has been living with me for the last two years, to enable to go to college which is impossible where father lives.

Things have got dramatically more horrific over the last year. I am now at the stage where she is dictating when I can leave the house, when I do leave the house, she is threatening suicide/begging for help. As you can imagine my world has become very small. All week she has been threatening to 'ruin my weekend', recording me to gather 'proof' that I am the problem, and just generally acting aggressively several times a day. I am worn down by it all.

Yesterday she said something so horrible (I won't repeat) that my son (16)overheard and he now refuses to speak to her-I don't blame him. What worries me is that while I was out of the house last night, she informed me that the only thing preventing her completing suicide is the thought of her brother-and now he is not speaking to her, all bets are off.

My son has so far been able to stay out of the constant drama, threats and violence, and he plans to move out next year for university. He is a lovely chilled out boy who has done so well not to let this complete hell affect his life and opportunities.

My worry now is that my daughter is going to start dragging him into the manipulations and threats. I am at breaking point myself to be honest, the one thing that has kept me going is making sure he is okay, trying to protect him from this, but I worry I can't do this forever

Any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dredgie]

I just sent a reply to you - thank you again for reaching out. I read this because I was wondering what your story is - it looks and sounds very similar to mine. Except my daughter is 30 years old and lives in her own apt. My ex-husband and I pay for it as well as all other expenses because she can't hold down a job.

Your situation sounds very difficult and I really feel for you. The constant onslaught of  verbal abuse and threats is absolutely exhausting. Talk about  being worn down - you must be at the end of your rope and questioning your own sanity as I did until we finally persuaded my daughter to live on her own. 

Is there any chance you can pay for your daughter to live in her own place? Would she even go? That is the one thing that has kept me sane  - there is some type of boundary in place.

[Cair_Paravel]

Thanks for your kind words dredgie

Unfortunately my daughter will not even entertain the idea of leaving. If I even mention her being more independent some time in the future she immediately starts talking about how she will commit suicide if she has to live on her own and that will be all my fault. She is currently in college for another year, and if I had hope of this being resolved somehow in a years time I could probably cope, but knowing she has no intentions of ever being independent means its really hard for me to see a way out of this

[Leaf56]

Cair_Paravel, I hope you don't mind my jumping in here to say what you probably already know I'm going to say if you've read my posts elsewhere. I suggest that you make your daughter move out and pay for her own life, and agree to interact with her only if she says absolutely nothing disrespectful, abusive, or guilt-tripping toward you ever. You deserve no less than that, I'm sure. Save yourself and your chilled-out son while you can.

[Leaf56]

Cair_Paravel,
I just saw in your reply to me on the other thread that you are a therapist. I somehow jumped over that fact in your post here and replied stupidly rashly and I apologize. It's kind of been eating at me since I posted it and I promise I'll never be so rash again. It's not just that you're a therapist that makes me want to say this, but I understand that it would also be very tricky professionally if you cut off your daughter the way I'm trying to do with my son. Sorry, this post is rushed and doesn't really even make sense but I wanted you to see it while you still might be online and hopefully you'll understand the gist of what I'm trying to say.

[Cair_Paravel]

Thanks for your replies Leaf

In a way it does make it tricky being a therapist, but I suppose the flip side of that is that why would I not do the logical thing that I would support any one of my clients to do if they came to me with this issue-I hear it a lot within my profession about therapists needing to take their own advice more often  :D

To be fair to my daughter, she does actually contribute financially to the household, she pays me more than I had asked for towards rent and does seem to take some pride in this contribution-this is a small glimmer of hope towards independence but it is a very small step.

I'm currently reading the 'Stop Caretaking' book which is really helping me to see that one thing that needs to change is how much I accept of this behaviour, it's one of the best books I have read so far

[Leaf56]

Yes, that is the flip side. I suppose one with which you will struggle mightily.

While she may be contributing money to the household, I can't forget that she's also doing this:

"Things have got dramatically more horrific over the last year. I am now at the stage where she is dictating when I can leave the house, when I do leave the house, she is threatening suicide/begging for help. As you can imagine my world has become very small. All week she has been threatening to 'ruin my weekend', recording me to gather 'proof' that I am the problem, and just generally acting aggressively several times a day. I am worn down by it all."

And as you're well aware, these things are completely unacceptable. I stopped worrying about my son completing the constantly threatened suicides around March or so. I told him that it's his life and he can do what he wants with it. He tested that a few times and had it confirmed by me to him a few times, and he hasn't threatened it since. Just something to ponder.

[Sancho]

Your situation is really awful. I imagine just getting through each day is an enormous challenge at the moment - and there is the constant thoughts of how to bring about any change in the situation.

I know some people do find that paying for accommodation etc is the best answer for them. At least it means they have their own space. But I think it doesn't work in all situations. I did set my DD up in a place - and it only ended up in my having to cope with dealing with that when it didn't work out.

I wonder if the first step at the  moment is to try to get a counsellor to help you steer your way through this? There is no easy solution; it will be a step by step thing in my opinion to:

a) start putting in some even small boundaries
b) finding a way to distance yourself from the abuse - I know this is so hard, but it does help when you can let it 'go through to the keeper' as the cricket saying goes
c) explore ways of getting some medical help for your daughter
d) make plans for possible occurrence ie have emergency phone numbers handy etc

My BPD dd came home over a year ago now. I'd been caring for her daughter for the past 10 years. She was coming out of a violent ice-dependent relationship.

I have to say my life at the moment is pretty awful - but when I think back to 12 months ago, it is much better than then!

She is about 3 months off ice now, still roaring at the slightest thing, but not so absolutely vile. I found the best thing for me was not to initiate conversation at all; when I respond it is in the briefest possible way; I told her initially that I was not going to respond to abuse as it only made her more angry.

When you are in the middle of it all there seems that there will be no change possible in 12 months time. But things can be different - if not totally 'fixed' - if you can identify small steps, aim for one at a time and most importantly, look to your own needs and support system.

Keep in touch; it does help to know there are others in the same situation and hurting in the same way.