Is is possible to heal after serial infidelity?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband finally gave me the credit card login info. I spent time last night correlating the credit card charges at the massage parlors, where he admitted he was going for more than massages, with our WhatsApp messages. He went to the massage parlors a times when I thought we were connected and had put significant effort into our relationship. It seemed that a number of his visits lined up with times I was pulling towards him. This realization has made his infidelity much, much more painful because it was not just about him, but his connection to me that he was purposely running from. A few days ago he said as much in a text message. This was before I got the credit card info and the message made no sense.
It was a sort of admission, in which he acknowledged hurting me, but did not apologize. Now as I reread it I understand that he is not apologizing because he "must humble myself, accept responsibility, express tire remorse, undo the destruction". He is saying he isn't there yet, so he hasn't apologized. He wrote " I thought I would escape my misery by creating a miserable environment for you". This made no sense to me until I lined up the time. He purposefully destroyed the attachment I was trying to maintain with him and the live and caring I was trying to share. I feel so conflicted. On the one hand I am a survivor of two previous abusive marriages and want to run away from more sorrow, but on the other hand I feel like I can't abandon him because his actions of self were self sabotage most of all. The Freudian aspect of our relationship, I am older than my husband who lost his mother as a child, leaves me wondering how much of his acting out is a result of the trauma he faced as a child. He worked so hard to gain my love, the love of his mother, but once he accepted that I was not his mother, he purposefully distroyed his connection to me.
My instinct is telling me to detach and wait for him to decide to face his demons. I am not a demon and I can't allow myself to be further scared.

[Miriam88]

My husband finally gave me the credit card login info. I spent time last night correlating the credit card charges at the massage parlors, where he admitted he was going for more than massages, with our WhatsApp messages. He went to the massage parlors a times when I thought we were connected and had put significant effort into our relationship. It seemed that a number of his visits lined up with times I was pulling towards him. This realization has made his infidelity much, much more painful because it was not just about him, but his connection to me that he was purposely running from. A few days ago he said as much in a text message. This was before I got the credit card info and the message made no sense.
It was a sort of admission, in which he acknowledged hurting me, but did not apologize. Now as I reread it I understand that he is not apologizing because he "must humble myself, accept responsibility, express tire remorse, undo the destruction". He is saying he isn't there yet, so he hasn't apologized. He wrote " I thought I would escape my misery by creating a miserable environment for you". This made no sense to me until I lined up the time. He purposefully destroyed the attachment I was trying to maintain with him and the live and caring I was trying to share. I feel so conflicted. On the one hand I am a survivor of two previous abusive marriages and want to run away from more sorrow, but on the other hand I feel like I can't abandon him because his actions of self were self sabotage most of all. The Freudian aspect of our relationship, I am older than my husband who lost his mother as a child, leaves me wondering how much of his acting out is a result of the trauma he faced as a child. He worked so hard to gain my love, the love of his mother, but once he accepted that I was not his mother, he purposefully distroyed his connection to me.
My instinct is telling me to detach and wait for him to decide to face his demons. I am not a demon and I can't allow myself to be further scared.

[Cat Familiar]

So he’s not apologizing, being remorseful, accepting responsibility, “humbling” himself, or attempting to “undo the destruction”?

Yet he has admitted that he was hoping to escape his “misery by creating a miserable environment for you.”

How do you feel about being treated that way?

[Miriam88]

So he’s not apologizing, being remorseful, accepting responsibility, “humbling” himself, or attempting to “undo the destruction”?

Yet he has admitted that he was hoping to escape his “misery by creating a miserable environment for you.”

How do you feel about being treated that way?

Like he said, he is a very sick man. I can't help him, he will have to help himself. I was feeling very broken and miserable. Thank God, a good friend gave me a pep talk and explained that by acting this way I was giving him what he wanted. It won't be easy or simple, but  I have to plan to end our marriage.

[formflier]

Who is guiding you guys as you work through these revelations? 


 

I'm so sorry for you to be dealing with this.

Best,

FF

[Waddams]

I once heard a simple statement about relationships - "be attractive."

The key is to understand what that means - if you wanted to save the marriage, and have him be attracted to the marriage enough that he would value and respect it enough to not do this crap anymore, what would make you and the marriage attractive enough to him to do it? Hard question to answer, and not something that can be easily worked out, especially when applied to a disordered individual.

The next progression of that line of thinking then becomes, once you think you have a read on the answer to basically how to be attractive as described above, then is living in the manner that would be required acceptable to you? What are your values? Boundaries? Deal breakers? 

I've talked about this with other people that went on to figure out the answer to the first, and then were okay with the changes as the changes didn't violate their core values, or otherwise contain any deal breakers.  I've talked with other people that when they went through the thought exercise, they came up with "I can't live like that."  Which I usually then point out to change to an active choice statement and revise it to "I won't live like that." (Same for if they choose the changes are okay, it's a choice and you're saying "I will live like that", it's not "I can live like that.").

Usually, when dealing with disordered people, the changes never end up acceptable, and the changes required are a constant moving target.

This is your 3rd time through with a spouse that inflicts true marital misconduct towards you? I gotta ask - have you looked in the mirror and asked why you keep picking them and why they keep picking you?

[Miriam88]

This is your 3rd time through with a spouse that inflicts true marital misconduct towards you? I gotta ask - have you looked in the mirror and asked why you keep picking them and why they keep picking you?

To answer your question. Yes, I spent quite alot of time thinking about this while my husband was away on his road trip. I now follow Ross Rosenberg and a number of other psychologist that speak about BPD on YouTube.
At the time I met my husband he was so kind, caring, loving and a great listener. My mother passed away and my ex began a messy case in family court in which he has a high priced attorney and I had one from the DV shelter. My husband was my rock through both. I felt like I was living in a fairytale. He showered me with presents and regularly sent me flowers, when I was critical of him he apologized and pledged to be a better partner. He organized my files for court and helped me write emails for my court case. He set up our home with a full heart and generosity. Things went beautifully through our courtship and the first two years of our marriage that followed a year late, although He seemed to get sucked into internal conflict and sometimes had difficulty regulating his emotions, but I did not feel threatened because his anger was never directed at me. Then we moved and I started school. I became focused on my grades, maintaining my GPA that kept the scholarship money flowering and he hated his new assignment at work. He has many reasons to hate it and was constantly angry.
Things spiraled downward for two years until I guess they came undone for him about 9 months ago.
I would not be lacking for potential mates or companionship if I left this relationship. Although, after this experience, I would not trust again very easily.
I am not sure that my trust could be rebuilt in this relationship even if he tried.
I don't know, he gave me his login info for his social media, and for credit cards, this was his only step so far.
I don't want to divorce him, but I am so hurt and don't want to spend my life in chaos because of him.
I guess time for tell.

[Cat Familiar]

I see some conflicting emotions in your posts, which is totally understandable.

The title of your thread asking if it’s possible to heal after serial infidelity—are you asking whether you can heal or if your marriage can?

As I have a fair amount of experience of this situation with my first husband, I’ll answer the questions I posed above from my own experience, which may be quite different from yours.

Many years later, I feel that I have healed from what my ex put me through, but it took therapy, writing about it here in some embarrassing detail, sharing those ugly details with friends, and finally time.

Could the relationship have been healed? Maybe. If my husband would have been truly remorseful, behaved more responsibility, and rebuilt the trust he destroyed. That would have taken a lot of commitment on his part, and as a person with BPD and NPD, it just didn’t happen. Would I have wanted it to happen? At the time, I did. In retrospect, I’m eternally grateful to have gotten free of that relationship.

You had a blissful beginning to your relationship, which is very common when involved with a person with BPD (pwBPD). Then, at some point, the beautiful wrapper comes off the fairytale prince, and another dimension of his personality appears.

Of course we want the original person that we fell in love with, to return. But that, unfortunately, is not to be. We may see bits and pieces of him at times, but we have to come to terms with accepting the other side of him, and then choosing whether or not this is a person with whom we want to share our life.

Having married two BPD spouses myself, I have to wonder if you might have had a parent with a personality disorder? That’s a common theme here for people who have found themselves in dysfunctional relationships.

[Miriam88]

Who is guiding you guys as you work through these revelations? 


 

I'm so sorry for you to be dealing with this.

Best,

FF

Thank you FF

[Miriam88]

I see some conflicting emotions in your posts, which is totally understandable.

The title of your thread asking if it’s possible to heal after serial infidelity—are you asking whether you can heal or if your marriage can?

As I have a fair amount of experience of this situation with my first husband, I’ll answer the questions I posed above from my own experience, which may be quite different from yours.

Could the relationship have been healed? Maybe. If my husband would have been truly remorseful, behaved more responsibility, and rebuilt the trust he destroyed. That would have taken a lot of commitment on his part, and as a person with BPD and NPD, it just didn’t happen. Would I have wanted it to happen? At the time, I did. In retrospect, I’m eternally grateful to have gotten free of that relationship.


Having married two BPD spouses myself, I have to wonder if you might have had a parent with a personality disorder? That’s a common theme here for people who have found themselves in dysfunctional relationships.

Yes, yes! Prince charming turned into something else .

I believe that my father is narcissistic and perhaps on the autistic spectrum. My first husband did not have a personality disorder, but we were young and he became violent. My second husband was never violent to me but he was a narcissist and was financially, sexually, and emotionally abusive.
I have accepted that I am a recovering codependent. Looking back over the past two years I believe that as a result of the success I had while going back to college I became more independent and my new found independence was a threat to my husband. He tried to break me down and reign me in, but he couldn't.

Right now, I let him know that I have boundaries.
It will be his birthday soon and I am planning to do something special for him. It will not be him and I, but also his brothers who he is close with but has grown distant from. I know Covid-19, I hope nobody gets sick from eating in a restaurant. I am a caring a ND loving person. He was shock to find out that I I'm following through on these plans even though I found out all about his misdeeds against me. I let him know that I don't do malicious or hurtful things to people I care about. I have also maintained a clear emotional boundary with him, meaning polite but not warm.
He's falling apart as a result. His temper is crazy, He's cursing and getting frustrated with everyone and everything, like a child! It is so unattractive.

I agree with you that the only hope for our relationship is for him to express his remorse and choose to make changes to repair the damage and hurt he has caused me. I don't know if you will. That will be his choice to make.