How do deal with Mr. Hyde now we are separated? Need Advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For the last year since the final breakdown that resulted in us separating physically, I have walked a tightrope over an alligator pit juggling blazing chainsaws. Primary objective was to delicately extricate financial matters while my likely-BPD spouse (of 20 years) still believed that I was  'working on myself' in hope of a someday reconciliation (all while keeping the kids stable, grieving, and holding down a 50-60 hour a week job).

In July I was able to get a Marital Settlement Agreement signed which divided our assets (as a 'safeguard' while he still believed we might have a future). One month ago I caringly but clearly told him that there could be no reconciliation. While I was broken-hearted that the marriage was over, I would seek comfort in the belief that we would remain caring partners as we continued to raise our children and care for each other through what lay ahead.

For almost a month, the peace held. He said he understood my decision. He expressed that he wanted to take good care of each other during this painful chapter. He was reasonable in our interactions.

Of course, to get lulled into thinking that post-relationship my husband would become a sane and grounded human was folly. The trigger came a little over a week ago when I expressed that I was 'upset and disappointed' when he betrayed an agreement we had re: a tax issue. The trigger is and has always been if I 'call him' (no matter how egregious his misdeed, valid my issue  or measured my response) on his behavior.

He canceled our weekly virtual coffee in which we discuss kids, finances, home. When I swung by the studio we share (we are nesting) to pick something up, he refused to let me in. When I asked him what was wrong, why was he so angry and could he just talk to me- he lashed out that he would 'no longer be sucked into my toxic bull****'. He repeats his most well-worn incantation: It's just like our therapist said, you have a blind spot you will never see, never own. You will never control your emotional dysregulation (he says as he's shoving the door in my face with spit flying).

So...my question to this group...how do I deal with his emotional reactivity now that he knows that I am not and will never again be his wife? I have crossed the threshold into Ex.

We are still legally married. We co-own a business and are still (for another 6 months) horribly enmeshed financially. We still share the family home (and share a studio for nights when we are the 'off parent'). We still share two teens. There is so much damage and pain he can inflict if he stays off the rails.

And yes, there is still some final threads of emotional enmeshment (how can he SAY these things about me, how can his narrative just wipe clean his extreme destructive behaviors that blew up our 20 year marriage). When he is kind and caring, it was easier emotionally. When he has stopped talking to me and is hostile and aggressive- my heartrate can still elevate, he's invading my thoughts when I go to sleep and wake.

In (finally) closing- I know there was a 'right way' to respond to my BPD partner that I never mastered. But, after no longer in a romantic relationship, how did that change how you responded? When you know you can not quiet the beast in the same way? Are there modified strategies that might still be effective in getting a rationale brain 'on line' while staying boundaried with my now 'Ex'?

I am very anxious that if he stays in the place, he will turn to fight me legally and that would be devastating.

Last- if anyone knows of a therapist well versed in helping partners of BPD who can practice virtually across state lines, I would be eternally grateful for any recommendations.

Thank you all for once again being the only place I can turn.

[Tessarae]

For the last year since the final breakdown that resulted in us separating physically, I have walked a tightrope over an alligator pit juggling blazing chainsaws. Primary objective was to delicately extricate financial matters while my likely-BPD spouse (of 20 years) still believed that I was  'working on myself' in hope of a someday reconciliation (all while keeping the kids stable, grieving, and holding down a 50-60 hour a week job).

In July I was able to get a Marital Settlement Agreement signed which divided our assets (as a 'safeguard' while he still believed we might have a future). One month ago I caringly but clearly told him that there could be no reconciliation. While I was broken-hearted that the marriage was over, I would seek comfort in the belief that we would remain caring partners as we continued to raise our children and care for each other through what lay ahead.

For almost a month, the peace held. He said he understood my decision. He expressed that he wanted to take good care of each other during this painful chapter. He was reasonable in our interactions.

Of course, to get lulled into thinking that post-relationship my husband would become a sane and grounded human was folly. The trigger came a little over a week ago when I expressed that I was 'upset and disappointed' when he betrayed an agreement we had re: a tax issue. The trigger is and has always been if I 'call him' (no matter how egregious his misdeed, valid my issue  or measured my response) on his behavior.

He canceled our weekly virtual coffee in which we discuss kids, finances, home. When I swung by the studio we share (we are nesting) to pick something up, he refused to let me in. When I asked him what was wrong, why was he so angry and could he just talk to me- he lashed out that he would 'no longer be sucked into my toxic bull****'. He repeats his most well-worn incantation: It's just like our therapist said, you have a blind spot you will never see, never own. You will never control your emotional dysregulation (he says as he's shoving the door in my face with spit flying).

So...my question to this group...how do I deal with his emotional reactivity now that he knows that I am not and will never again be his wife? I have crossed the threshold into Ex.

We are still legally married. We co-own a business and are still (for another 6 months) horribly enmeshed financially. We still share the family home (and share a studio for nights when we are the 'off parent'). We still share two teens. There is so much damage and pain he can inflict if he stays off the rails.

And yes, there is still some final threads of emotional enmeshment (how can he SAY these things about me, how can his narrative just wipe clean his extreme destructive behaviors that blew up our 20 year marriage). When he is kind and caring, it was easier emotionally. When he has stopped talking to me and is hostile and aggressive- my heartrate can still elevate, he's invading my thoughts when I go to sleep and wake.

In (finally) closing- I know there was a 'right way' to respond to my BPD partner that I never mastered. But, after no longer in a romantic relationship, how did that change how you responded? When you know you can not quiet the beast in the same way? Are there modified strategies that might still be effective in getting a rationale brain 'on line' while staying boundaried with my now 'Ex'?

I am very anxious that if he stays in the place, he will turn to fight me legally and that would be devastating.

Last- if anyone knows of a therapist well versed in helping partners of BPD who can practice virtually across state lines, I would be eternally grateful for any recommendations.

Thank you all for once again being the only place I can turn.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tessarae, You answered your own question, I think, by mentioning "staying boundaried."  Yes, boundaries are as essential now, if not more so, than when you were together as a couple.  To the extent possible, I suggest you attempt to stay above the fray by declining to engage in hostile conversations.  Don't let him drag you into arguments.  Those w/BPD will often attempt to manipulate you through threats.  Your task is to remain neutral and not give in to such threats, which are usually just bluffs designed to twist your arm. 

LuckyJim

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Tessarae.  Thanks for giving us an update and for your question.  I agree with Lucky Jim (who essentially agrees with you), keep firm boundaries.  Keep the monster contained.  It sounds like, from reading your other threads, you have a 20 year relationship with your soon to be ex.  I would guess you now are as good of a "master" at taming that specific monster in your ex as anyone.  Everyone is different, but it is uncanny how similar the effects are on us, their victims.  There are the dialogue tools such as SET and DEARMAN to name a few if you haven't looked a them.  I'd go for containment, and trying not to 'poke the bear' if you don't have to.  Also, maybe ignore what you can.  If he acts like a 5 year old, treat him appropriately--firm, but fair.

I totally get the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy as I've posted a bit on this too.   I recently watched the 1931 classic and was horrified about how spot-on it was.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Ad Meliora!  I recently re-read Robert Louis Stevenson's book, which was eerily on target.

LJ

[Ad Meliora]

The trigger came a little over a week ago when I expressed that I was 'upset and disappointed' when he betrayed an agreement we had re: a tax issue. The trigger is and has always been if I 'call him' (no matter how egregious his misdeed, valid my issue  or measured my response) on his behavior.

He canceled our weekly virtual coffee in which we discuss kids, finances, home. When I swung by the studio we share (we are nesting) to pick something up, he refused to let me in. When I asked him what was wrong, why was he so angry and could he just talk to me- he lashed out that he would 'no longer be sucked into my toxic bull****'. He repeats his most well-worn incantation: It's just like our therapist said, you have a blind spot you will never see, never own. You will never control your emotional dysregulation (he says as he's shoving the door in my face with spit flying).

Yeah, I know you're not getting a nice satisfactory answer.  I'll just say my BPDex was triggered in the same way and did this exact thing which is project her condition onto me. My ex would say things like "Don't you have any empathy" or "Are you saying I'm emotionally unavailable--you're emotionally unavailable" when no one was saying anything like that. I can picture her saying the exact things you related above.

It's really hard to see that they are suddenly a 5 yr old with no emotional capacity to handle anything.  Especially not your feelings, when they don't understand their own.  I'm sure after 20 years it just is even more confusing, but I know how you feel as I experienced the same thing with my ex over the course of 1 year.

If I would've known she had BPD I would've engaged what little I remember about Nonviolent Communication.   Basically you have to back off, you can't "argue" with them like they are an adult.  The SET model is very similar and I have a link to the tools section where it is.  If you accidentally trigger Mr Hyde (the 5 yr old, the monster...) it may help diffuse the situation if you try and use these tools. If you can calm them, Dr. Jekyll should return and you can resume your adult dialogue at that point.

You may want to check the other board on Divorcing for specific examples on the use of communication tools that work, as I'm not sure you're going to get much of that here.  Many of us haven't had a word with our ex in months (years...).  We're doing what we should be, staying No Contact.  You'll be in the Vortex of your BPD spouse for the foreseeable future.  Good luck.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0