I really need help... I don't have anybody else to talk to right now

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been about 6 weeks since she discarded me.

I barely left the house since then and this week it got a lot worse. So much so the whole week is just a blur. I don't sleep, but while I'm awake I don't have the strength to do anything and I only left the house this week to buy water and supplies. I lost 6lbs since she left and I was already too skinny.

The state of my life right now is unfathomably poor, which probably is one of the reasons she left. I don't have anybody else to talk to, no family or friends. I feel bad even for posting here, I feel like I'm whining, but I'm just lost, I don't know what to do. I'm having major surgery in less than a month, which is a bit scary because since my mind is in shambles and I have nobody else to talk to, I second guess everything I think about doing.

I'v had another relationship in the past with someone with BPD and it was a hard breakup, but I don't remember it being impossible or simply even being hopeless about loving someone else. I also hate myself for loving someone who despite saying she loved me, she was so narcissistic she didn't care about me, unless she had something to gain from it.

Recently I found out why the urgency on breaking up with me, which appear to be that someone "bought" her for a couple weeks in a cabin in the woods. I'm not 100% sure of it, since she didn't post directly the picture of the person, but it adds up since she didn't have the money to pay for it and it makes no sense in going somewhere like that unaccompanied.

After so many years together, she is acting like it was nothing and she seems happier than before breaking up with me. Since she's bipolar also, I don't know if its mania or if she really actually didn't love me, which for the past months she didn't act like she did. But if she didn't it also doesn't make much sense why she didn't break up with me before.

I know I shouldn't look, but I can't help it. I don't look all the time, once a week or so, I can't help it.

There was a guy she called a friend, that I always hated since I met, grown ass dude almost 40 having girly friendships with younger women and I told her I knew the type, she ignored me. Guy started to date her BFF and cheated on her, I said the I told you so, she was mad for a week or less, then her friend forgave him and stayed "friends with benefits", my now ex, encouraged their relationship and were friends again like nothing happened. Last week she posted a picture of her BFF, her and this dude lying in bed together with my GF laying her head on his chest. I always knew the only think worse than a gf would be her being an ex gf.

Worst thing is that I can't even hate her, I just hate myself for feeling what I feel for her. When she acted out towards me in the past, I could never be mad, I would always act in and be depressed. I don't usually feel pathetic or a loser, but now I'm starting to...

[Hlinthewiking]

It's been about 6 weeks since she discarded me.

I barely left the house since then and this week it got a lot worse. So much so the whole week is just a blur. I don't sleep, but while I'm awake I don't have the strength to do anything and I only left the house this week to buy water and supplies. I lost 6lbs since she left and I was already too skinny.

The state of my life right now is unfathomably poor, which probably is one of the reasons she left. I don't have anybody else to talk to, no family or friends. I feel bad even for posting here, I feel like I'm whining, but I'm just lost, I don't know what to do. I'm having major surgery in less than a month, which is a bit scary because since my mind is in shambles and I have nobody else to talk to, I second guess everything I think about doing.

I'v had another relationship in the past with someone with BPD and it was a hard breakup, but I don't remember it being impossible or simply even being hopeless about loving someone else. I also hate myself for loving someone who despite saying she loved me, she was so narcissistic she didn't care about me, unless she had something to gain from it.

Recently I found out why the urgency on breaking up with me, which appear to be that someone "bought" her for a couple weeks in a cabin in the woods. I'm not 100% sure of it, since she didn't post directly the picture of the person, but it adds up since she didn't have the money to pay for it and it makes no sense in going somewhere like that unaccompanied.

After so many years together, she is acting like it was nothing and she seems happier than before breaking up with me. Since she's bipolar also, I don't know if its mania or if she really actually didn't love me, which for the past months she didn't act like she did. But if she didn't it also doesn't make much sense why she didn't break up with me before.

I know I shouldn't look, but I can't help it. I don't look all the time, once a week or so, I can't help it.

There was a guy she called a friend, that I always hated since I met, grown ass dude almost 40 having girly friendships with younger women and I told her I knew the type, she ignored me. Guy started to date her BFF and cheated on her, I said the I told you so, she was mad for a week or less, then her friend forgave him and stayed "friends with benefits", my now ex, encouraged their relationship and were friends again like nothing happened. Last week she posted a picture of her BFF, her and this dude lying in bed together with my GF laying her head on his chest. I always knew the only think worse than a gf would be her being an ex gf.

Worst thing is that I can't even hate her, I just hate myself for feeling what I feel for her. When she acted out towards me in the past, I could never be mad, I would always act in and be depressed. I don't usually feel pathetic or a loser, but now I'm starting to...

[Rev]

Hi H...

Thanks for reaching out...  Man, I remember the first month after we broke up.  I'll spare you the details right now because I don't want to make this about me. It's about you and the courage you plucked up to write here - just like I did four years ago. Like you, I could barely eat or sleep.

It was so hard ... and I never thought I could figure things out. This place really helped me, which is I why I stick around. 

It really seems like this break up has taken something out of you that you are trying to get back. Many of us (probably all even) have trouble finding the closure that brings us peace.

What do you say that we work on building your self-esteem up instead of worrying about why someone with a personality disorder left you. I am not judging her. And I would encourage you to not judge yourself either. You don't deserve to be judged. No one who finds their way here does.

These break-ups are hard. But there is a way to heal. It starts with working on your healing.

You say that you have no one to talk to?  Well start here and then we'll see about how you might make a connection in your area later on.   What do you think?

Tell me - if there is one or two things about you and your personality that you think are important, would you feel comfortable sharing that here?  That might give us some insight on where to start.  What do you say?

Hang in there. I know this really hurts and you are in a fog right now. But hang in there and keep reaching out. The fog will lift and gradually the pain will numb.

We're here for you and no one will judge you. 

Sorry for what brought you here. Happy you found us.

Rev

[SurvivalGuy]

I promise you that you will get better. I was you and suicidal, now 3 months on I don’t even think about ending my life. I’ve improved so much and you will to. But you have to go no contact and delete anything that links you to her.

[SinisterComplex]

It's been about 6 weeks since she discarded me.

I barely left the house since then and this week it got a lot worse. So much so the whole week is just a blur. I don't sleep, but while I'm awake I don't have the strength to do anything and I only left the house this week to buy water and supplies. I lost 6lbs since she left and I was already too skinny.

The state of my life right now is unfathomably poor, which probably is one of the reasons she left. I don't have anybody else to talk to, no family or friends. I feel bad even for posting here, I feel like I'm whining, but I'm just lost, I don't know what to do. I'm having major surgery in less than a month, which is a bit scary because since my mind is in shambles and I have nobody else to talk to, I second guess everything I think about doing.

I'v had another relationship in the past with someone with BPD and it was a hard breakup, but I don't remember it being impossible or simply even being hopeless about loving someone else. I also hate myself for loving someone who despite saying she loved me, she was so narcissistic she didn't care about me, unless she had something to gain from it.

Recently I found out why the urgency on breaking up with me, which appear to be that someone "bought" her for a couple weeks in a cabin in the woods. I'm not 100% sure of it, since she didn't post directly the picture of the person, but it adds up since she didn't have the money to pay for it and it makes no sense in going somewhere like that unaccompanied.

After so many years together, she is acting like it was nothing and she seems happier than before breaking up with me. Since she's bipolar also, I don't know if its mania or if she really actually didn't love me, which for the past months she didn't act like she did. But if she didn't it also doesn't make much sense why she didn't break up with me before.

I know I shouldn't look, but I can't help it. I don't look all the time, once a week or so, I can't help it.

There was a guy she called a friend, that I always hated since I met, grown ass dude almost 40 having girly friendships with younger women and I told her I knew the type, she ignored me. Guy started to date her BFF and cheated on her, I said the I told you so, she was mad for a week or less, then her friend forgave him and stayed "friends with benefits", my now ex, encouraged their relationship and were friends again like nothing happened. Last week she posted a picture of her BFF, her and this dude lying in bed together with my GF laying her head on his chest. I always knew the only think worse than a gf would be her being an ex gf.

Worst thing is that I can't even hate her, I just hate myself for feeling what I feel for her. When she acted out towards me in the past, I could never be mad, I would always act in and be depressed. I don't usually feel pathetic or a loser, but now I'm starting to...

Hey H welcome  . Truly happy you found us, but sincerely sorry for the circumstances that have led to you having to seek us out. We the fam have your back and offer you a big hug.  

Now with that out of the way...please continue to post here and engage the community. I believe you will find comfort and solace relating with the members here.

The one thing I am going to touch on real quick...do not feel sorry or apologize for posting here. We are here for you. You are not whining. You are hurt and you need support. You are already further ahead than a lot of other people because you reached out for help. That takes strength and vulnerability my friend. You are not weak, you are not whining. I will hear no more of that nonsense...understood? You have to grieve and we will help you and have your back here.

In the meantime please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Hlinthewiking]

Tell me - if there is one or two things about you and your personality that you think are important, would you feel comfortable sharing that here?  That might give us some insight on where to start.  What do you say?

I not sure exactly how to describe myself, but I'm an introvert, I don't usually engage in a lot of social activities, when I do I have confidence, I just don't like attention. I like my comfort place, that's something that hasn't helped me much. But if you are asking this because of my lack of people to talk right now it's a bit more complicated.

Usually people like me, I'm alone now due to a lot of complicated things that are hard to say in a few words, but my family has always been problematic, my father is the narcissist type, my mother is bpd, my father usually said nasty things to me since I was 3, when my parents split. My mother would paint me too white when I was a kid and even I could see it was too much, so I didn't listen as much to her. My father never had anything good to say about me, but it wasn't so out of reality as what my mom used to say, so I kinda held on to feel a bit afraid to be a negative impact into other people's lives, I feel a bit ashamed for existing, its the best way to describe.

I had a few close friends, but they all moved out of the country, other friends I lost for political reasons, not my initiative. I'm completely broke, so I don't go out, I owe money to 2 hospitals and a bank, I don't have $50 on my bank acc atm, that makes socializing hard. Another problem for me is that I want to leave my country as soon as my medical problems improve, so I was afraid to look for new friendships here.

I promise you that you will get better. I was you and suicidal, now 3 months on I don’t even think about ending my life. I’ve improved so much and you will to. But you have to go no contact and delete anything that links you to her.

I'm glad things got better for you. I never wanted to die, I really want to live more than anything, but past couple years I understood why some people did. Sometimes things are so bad you don't know how much longer you can endure. Nothing is good, all you have is misery. I never had any psychological problems that were a big problem, I always had mild depression and saw a psychiatrist. The problem is just that my life went into a hole so deep, I don't know how to get out.

The one thing I am going to touch on real quick...do not feel sorry or apologize for posting here. We are here for you. You are not whining. You are hurt and you need support. You are already further ahead than a lot of other people because you reached out for help. That takes strength and vulnerability my friend. You are not weak, you are not whining. I will hear no more of that nonsense...understood? You have to grieve and we will help you and have your back here.

I really appreciate the support. It's just something I started to worry about the last few years. I had a couple people bring it to my attention and it was a problem in my relationship. I grew up learning that if things were good for me, my family would be jealous or idk, they do something to make things harder for me and when I was down they felt better and sometimes gave me a hand. I'm just not sure about anything anymore, it's really scary how long it has been since I don't have anybody to talk to, believe me, I tried.

[Rev]

Hello again H

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  How did it feel to write it I wonder?

You name some important things - the first being an introvert. And no I was not going to suggest that you should talk to other people. You "could" do that - but I'm not super big on "should's". Every situation is unique.

Actually I find sometimes talking to others can make things worse if they don't fully understand what it's like to be raised by someone who is NPD or be in a relationship with someone who has a mood disorder.


However - you have a plan it seems - to move and start over. Can you say more about what you may have done or not done to tease it out?  Things like lists you may have made and podcasts you may have listened to.

As much as it is clear that the break up is painful - I wonder if it isn't creating a diversion from the deeper goal you have of getting some distance from your family.

The introversion you have can work in your favor if you use it to channel your thoughts towards putting a plan into motion - however small or distant it may seem right now.

Before I say more - what do you think?

Feel free to change any of it that you may feel is off base.  Tell me my intuition is off if you think it is. That's part of the process.

After reading how honest you are, I'm super glad you found us.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

I had probably the worst day today since she broke up with me.

Woke up to a message from her, polite but detached, basically saying good morning, asking how I was and asking for how she would retrieve her things. It's the first time she reached me since she ended it and 2 weeks since our last talk.

I didn't say good morning back, didn't seem fitting for her or me to do so as the way things are. I don't like being fake or using masks, so I wasn't as polite as she was... Which is something I don't feel good about, but I don't think faking what I felt was better than this. But I answered back that I wasn't as well as she was, that it was up to her how she would get her things, I just didn't want to see her if we weren't going to be together anymore and that I needed to pack them, because despite cleaning up since she left, I put everything together as it was, where it was (I didn't have the stomach to, I didn't tell her this, felt unnecessary), said I still loved her and wished someone loved me someday the way I loved her.

I know I shouldn't have said it now... I just felt hurt and I had just woken up. I just wish she could have empathy to understand what it is to love someone, because if she really believes she loves/loved me, that ain't it. I'm torn between her not loving me or simply being such an awful person as to actually love someone and be this cold...

She didn't respond me. I thought it was odd, as I simply expected she at least let me know how to give her things back, if someone was going to pick it up or what. I'm curious about the stupidest things and I decided to check her facebook stories to see if she just didn't go on social media the rest of the day or if she simply ignored me. Turns out 15min after I answered her, she posts a video of herself smiling all dressed up, doing duck face and all, proceeded by 2 quotes that looked like were meant for me.

I'm feeling awful about so many things, about being "rude" to her, without intentions of doing so, for the way she's cold and detached towards me, the fact she's probably gone for good, the fact even if she wanted to get back, nothing would be fixed and she's probably been with other men and would break even more boundaries if we got back and also for seeing her in a video which was hard to watch, she's so beautiful... I didn't want anybody else right now but her, no matter how beautiful. Why did I have to fall in love with someone so beautiful?

I'm an idiot ;(, 26yro me knew it was a bad idea, but she was so pretty and she told me she knew she had a problem and was getting therapy and taking meds. Now 32yro me is paying the price and I don't have the time I had at 26.

Also... I found out today in the midst of all this, my former best friend that was close with me since elementary school, got married and didn't invite me or even told me. I understand not getting invited, but it hurts real bad he didn't even tell me.

I need to find help somehow. I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone, I need someone find someone who cares. I don't know how much longer I can take of this. I'm too lonely to function. I think I need to go to the temple this week. It's been almost 20 years. I just wish I knew the rabbi. The one I knew is no longer there.

Last time I saw a friend in person and talked was in 2020.

How did it feel to write it I wonder?
...

However - you have a plan it seems - to move and start over. Can you say more about what you may have done or not done to tease it out?  Things like lists you may have made and podcasts you may have listened to.

Sorry it took long to respond. I had a rough couple of days.

Felt a bit better right after. Didn't last though.

I really didn't plan much yet. I need to see what's going to happen with my surgeries first. Honestly, I haven't done much, since I don't have money yet, I don't have too many options and from where I am, I guess anything is an improvement. I'v been researching, but that is all.

My father texted me Sunday telling to call my uncle, because this surgeon apparently screwed up a friend or something. That kinda made my fears 100 time worst, I still need the surgeries and if this surgeon messes me up, I could die. I didn't call my uncle yet, but I scheduled an appointment with another surgeon just to talk and get another perspective.

[Azrael]

It's been about 6 weeks since she discarded me.

I barely left the house since then and this week it got a lot worse. So much so the whole week is just a blur. I don't sleep, but while I'm awake I don't have the strength to do anything and I only left the house this week to buy water and supplies. I lost 6lbs since she left and I was already too skinny.

The state of my life right now is unfathomably poor, which probably is one of the reasons she left. I don't have anybody else to talk to, no family or friends. I feel bad even for posting here, I feel like I'm whining, but I'm just lost, I don't know what to do. I'm having major surgery in less than a month, which is a bit scary because since my mind is in shambles and I have nobody else to talk to, I second guess everything I think about doing.

 
I'v had another relationship in the past with someone with BPD and it was a hard breakup, but I don't remember it being impossible or simply even being hopeless about loving someone else. I also hate myself for loving someone who despite saying she loved me, she was so narcissistic she didn't care about me, unless she had something to gain from it.

Recently I found out why the urgency on breaking up with me, which appear to be that someone "bought" her for a couple weeks in a cabin in the woods. I'm not 100% sure of it, since she didn't post directly the picture of the person, but it adds up since she didn't have the money to pay for it and it makes no sense in going somewhere like that unaccompanied.

After so many years together, she is acting like it was nothing and she seems happier than before breaking up with me. Since she's bipolar also, I don't know if its mania or if she really actually didn't love me, which for the past months she didn't act like she did. But if she didn't it also doesn't make much sense why she didn't break up with me before.

I know I shouldn't look, but I can't help it. I don't look all the time, once a week or so, I can't help it.

There was a guy she called a friend, that I always hated since I met, grown ass dude almost 40 having girly friendships with younger women and I told her I knew the type, she ignored me. Guy started to date her BFF and cheated on her, I said the I told you so, she was mad for a week or less, then her friend forgave him and stayed "friends with benefits", my now ex, encouraged their relationship and were friends again like nothing happened. Last week she posted a picture of her BFF, her and this dude lying in bed together with my GF laying her head on his chest. I always knew the only think worse than a gf would be her being an ex gf.

Worst thing is that I can't even hate her, I just hate myself for feeling what I feel for her. When she acted out towards me in the past, I could never be mad, I would always act in and be depressed. I don't usually feel pathetic or a loser, but now I'm starting to...

Sorry you are going throught this. First of all, remove all hate and guilt towards yourself, bc what you are dealing here is something so big, in terms of what a BPD really is, that you have no way of not feeling what you feel right now. Check my other posts , and there is a link to an essay you should read. It will clear up what you been living and the why. And once you understand this, you will feel better about yourself and how to deal with the situation. Look for a therapist, bc you are possibly suffering from PTSD from all that happened. You are young at 32, and even at 40 you can still get a 25 year old girl. Something that a 40 year old woman or even a 30 something can not do. First thing is to get the black cloud out of your head, and start thinking in faith that you will become and overcome.

[Rev]

I need to find help somehow. I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone, I need someone find someone who cares. I don't know how much longer I can take of this. I'm too lonely to function. I think I need to go to the temple this week. It's been almost 20 years. I just wish I knew the rabbi. The one I knew is no longer there.

Last time I saw a friend in person and talked was in 2020.



Sorry it took long to respond. I had a rough couple of days.

Felt a bit better right after. Didn't last though.

I really didn't plan much yet. I need to see what's going to happen with my surgeries first. Honestly, I haven't done much, since I don't have money yet, I don't have too many options and from where I am, I guess anything is an improvement. I'v been researching, but that is all.

My father texted me Sunday telling to call my uncle, because this surgeon apparently screwed up a friend or something. That kinda made my fears 100 time worst, I still need the surgeries and if this surgeon messes me up, I could die. I didn't call my uncle yet, but I scheduled an appointment with another surgeon just to talk and get another perspective.

Hey H,

No worries about how long it took ... It takes what it takes. Really sounds like you are processing a lot of things, and that takes energy.  So just reach out when you feel the time is right.

The first bolded statement:  Funny you should mention that. I was going to dip my toe in ask you about how open you were to going to talk to a clergy person.  If your intuition is telling you that you should, maybe you should listen to it?  What do you think.

The second bolded statement:  It's normal that a the beginning getting things off our chest doesn't last long.  Thing to pay attention to is: Does it lead you in a helpful direction?  In time, the helpful effects will last longer. Right now, it sounds like it's about treading water, and that's okay.

I don't want to make my story into your story. That being said, here's what happened to me and maybe you can take what ever insights work for you.

In the beginning and for several weeks, she was all I could think about.  That was unless:

a) I was listening to a podcast
b) I was doing something to distract myself
c) I slept - which in the beginning was in small bursts.

Eventually I could sort of "numb" my brain by thinking nothing as much a possible.

Can't remember how long that lasted exactly but a couple of months sounds about right.

From there, the ruminations gradually got to be less and less.  

So all that to say, you are in the toughest time.

One thing is for sure - if getting things off your chest moved you in a helpful direction, then starting to slowly make plans for your future won't hurt.

Thoughts?  

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

Check my other posts , and there is a link to an essay you should read. It will clear up what you been living and the why. And once you understand this, you will feel better about yourself and how to deal with the situation. Look for a therapist, bc you are possibly suffering from PTSD from all that happened.

I appreciate the support.

I'll check your other posts.

I stopped going to therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm going whenever I have enough for an appointment.

I understand I'm scarred by my past, but I'm not sure I'd classify it as PTSD. I met someone with PTSD a few years ago with full blown hallucinations and vivid episodes that was truly horrifying, I even took this person to the hospital thinking it was a seizure.

I do have intrusive thoughts and feel bad about myself thinking back, it affects me, but I'm not sure it would classify it was PTSD. I'd dissociate a lot when it happened, probably why it didnt f me up as bad as it should. I remember very few things, I remember vividly my father yelling at me at the car for up to an hour, but complaining about things completely unrelated to me and I'd ask myself as a 5-6yro "what did I do? why is he telling me this?" I'd remember one of two sentences out of it all. The only time it stuck to me that I remember anything is my father telling me "your mom sleeps with n******" and so many questions popped out of my head as a 6yro cuz I didn't even understand sex very much at that age, much less cared about race or even why he was telling me this and why he was mad at me. I guess talking about this now, kinda makes me think I didn't change that much even 26years later, I'm still confused when bad stuff happens to me, I just want to understand them and when it comes up to my exBPDgf, I can never fully understand whats going on in her head.

Thoughts?  

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Thanks again for the support.

I'm very good about distracting myself, the problem is that I need to work and I haven't been able to do that lately. I can't do both, I need to find a way to focus on work, so far it has been hard. Sleeping is horrible since she broke up with me. I can't sleep, usually only sleep at 6am or so and wake up either a couple hours after or in the middle of the afternoon. I'm trying this week to fix this, I have klonopin and other meds, which I don't like taking, but I'm the sort of person who really doesn't get addicted easily, my therapist is very comfortable with me on this, though I'm not very comfortable in taking klonopin for an extended amount of time. First couple weeks I took it almost everyday. I hadn't taken for 2-3 weeks and yesterday I had to take it. I might just take it to help me sleep this week and get a better schedule.

My problem with distractions and the meds though, is also that it doesn't seem to deal with the issue. It feels like not dealing with it and hoping time will kill some memories from my head. I'm terrified of making bad decisions and the worst thing for me would be ignoring the situation and in the future realizing I should have done something different and now it's too late cuz I postponed and ignored what I felt. Part of me still doesn't want to give up on her and I feel like I have to come to a conclusion mentally on what I should do, which feel a bit crazy... Part of me knows she won't change and she's completely detached from other people's emotions and it's hard to accept it.

Today she answered me telling me to send her stuff through Uber. She asked if I could send it today before 5:30 and I replied it was impossible as it was far and I still had to pack. I asked why the rush since it had been so many weeks and even though I had mentioned in the past she never seemed to care about getting her stuff back. She was offended by my question saying she didn't owe me an explanation and it was something she disliked even in our relationship. We ended up having an argument, but I told her it was a fair and honest question, even an unrelated homeless person could have asked it, she wasn't obligated to answer. Specially if there was a reason she NEEDED it today and I had to stop everything I was doing to rush grabbing 6 years worth of things and pack and ship to her within 30min, I might do it, but if there's no reason, I'm not going to. She asked I didn't tare anything down. I was confused by this and told her I wouldn't and that after all these years she didn't know me if she was asking that.

She got really mad at me and bolstered how she made the right decision in breaking up and that I truly didn't know her if I asked her mom if she was ok when she out of nowhere took a 15 day vacation from work to go to a cabin in the woods. I answered that when I first met her, she told me how she just had left a mental institution after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend, which later on confessed to running from the institution with a previous boyfriend to go to the beach and smoke weed and after that going back to the mental institution and falling in love with a crazy guy that was there almost catatonic and when she was with me she was having hallucinations frequently at first. So since she had a 6 year relationship with me, someone who never abused her like she claims her other ex did, I had no idea what her reaction was going to be and was concerned for her well being yes. I felt bad for saying it after I did... She told me to eff myself and that was the end of the conversation. I said I was sorry for everything anyway, I felt really bad. At the same time I feel like a loser, cuz it seems she only respects people that don't respect her. That angers me to the core. Even while she was my gf she would flirt with narcissist/psychos and treat me like I was a loser.

Man this has got to read like a noodle soup, but I had too much to say.

[SinisterComplex]

I appreciate the support.

I'll check your other posts.

I stopped going to therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm going whenever I have enough for an appointment.

I understand I'm scarred by my past, but I'm not sure I'd classify it as PTSD. I met someone with PTSD a few years ago with full blown hallucinations and vivid episodes that was truly horrifying, I even took this person to the hospital thinking it was a seizure.

I do have intrusive thoughts and feel bad about myself thinking back, it affects me, but I'm not sure it would classify it was PTSD. I'd dissociate a lot when it happened, probably why it didnt f me up as bad as it should. I remember very few things, I remember vividly my father yelling at me at the car for up to an hour, but complaining about things completely unrelated to me and I'd ask myself as a 5-6yro "what did I do? why is he telling me this?" I'd remember one of two sentences out of it all. The only time it stuck to me that I remember anything is my father telling me "your mom sleeps with n******" and so many questions popped out of my head as a 6yro cuz I didn't even understand sex very much at that age, much less cared about race or even why he was telling me this and why he was mad at me. I guess talking about this now, kinda makes me think I didn't change that much even 26years later, I'm still confused when bad stuff happens to me, I just want to understand them and when it comes up to my exBPDgf, I can never fully understand whats going on in her head.
Thanks again for the support.

I'm very good about distracting myself, the problem is that I need to work and I haven't been able to do that lately. I can't do both, I need to find a way to focus on work, so far it has been hard. Sleeping is horrible since she broke up with me. I can't sleep, usually only sleep at 6am or so and wake up either a couple hours after or in the middle of the afternoon. I'm trying this week to fix this, I have klonopin and other meds, which I don't like taking, but I'm the sort of person who really doesn't get addicted easily, my therapist is very comfortable with me on this, though I'm not very comfortable in taking klonopin for an extended amount of time. First couple weeks I took it almost everyday. I hadn't taken for 2-3 weeks and yesterday I had to take it. I might just take it to help me sleep this week and get a better schedule.

My problem with distractions and the meds though, is also that it doesn't seem to deal with the issue. It feels like not dealing with it and hoping time will kill some memories from my head. I'm terrified of making bad decisions and the worst thing for me would be ignoring the situation and in the future realizing I should have done something different and now it's too late cuz I postponed and ignored what I felt. Part of me still doesn't want to give up on her and I feel like I have to come to a conclusion mentally on what I should do, which feel a bit crazy... Part of me knows she won't change and she's completely detached from other people's emotions and it's hard to accept it.

Today she answered me telling me to send her stuff through Uber. She asked if I could send it today before 5:30 and I replied it was impossible as it was far and I still had to pack. I asked why the rush since it had been so many weeks and even though I had mentioned in the past she never seemed to care about getting her stuff back. She was offended by my question saying she didn't owe me an explanation and it was something she disliked even in our relationship. We ended up having an argument, but I told her it was a fair and honest question, even an unrelated homeless person could have asked it, she wasn't obligated to answer. Specially if there was a reason she NEEDED it today and I had to stop everything I was doing to rush grabbing 6 years worth of things and pack and ship to her within 30min, I might do it, but if there's no reason, I'm not going to. She asked I didn't tare anything down. I was confused by this and told her I wouldn't and that after all these years she didn't know me if she was asking that.

She got really mad at me and bolstered how she made the right decision in breaking up and that I truly didn't know her if I asked her mom if she was ok when she out of nowhere took a 15 day vacation from work to go to a cabin in the woods. I answered that when I first met her, she told me how she just had left a mental institution after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend, which later on confessed to running from the institution with a previous boyfriend to go to the beach and smoke weed and after that going back to the mental institution and falling in love with a crazy guy that was there almost catatonic and when she was with me she was having hallucinations frequently at first. So since she had a 6 year relationship with me, someone who never abused her like she claims her other ex did, I had no idea what her reaction was going to be and was concerned for her well being yes. I felt bad for saying it after I did... She told me to eff myself and that was the end of the conversation. I said I was sorry for everything anyway, I felt really bad. At the same time I feel like a loser, cuz it seems she only respects people that don't respect her. That angers me to the core. Even while she was my gf she would flirt with narcissist/psychos and treat me like I was a loser.

Man this has got to read like a noodle soup, but I had too much to say.

H, get it out. No judgment here. You are not a loser. Honestly my friend, you are not dealing with a normal person so do not put that weight on yourself. The only thing is that perhaps this can serve as a great lesson in life. Identify the problems you had. Are you good with boundaries? What weaknesses do you think you have?

This experience all the while hurts and it sucks right now is a stepping stone and you are getting a chance to step back and analyze how you want your life to be and who you want to become before you kept going down the wrong path.

You may experience some symptoms of PTSD, but understand you are grieving and this is going to take a while.

Again, my friend please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Azrael]

I appreciate the support.

I'll check your other posts.

I stopped going to therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm going whenever I have enough for an appointment.

I understand I'm scarred by my past, but I'm not sure I'd classify it as PTSD. I met someone with PTSD a few years ago with full blown hallucinations and vivid episodes that was truly horrifying, I even took this person to the hospital thinking it was a seizure.

I do have intrusive thoughts and feel bad about myself thinking back, it affects me, but I'm not sure it would classify it was PTSD. I'd dissociate a lot when it happened, probably why it didnt f me up as bad as it should. I remember very few things, I remember vividly my father yelling at me at the car for up to an hour, but complaining about things completely unrelated to me and I'd ask myself as a 5-6yro "what did I do? why is he telling me this?" I'd remember one of two sentences out of it all. The only time it stuck to me that I remember anything is my father telling me "your mom sleeps with n******" and so many questions popped out of my head as a 6yro cuz I didn't even understand sex very much at that age, much less cared about race or even why he was telling me this and why he was mad at me. I guess talking about this now, kinda makes me think I didn't change that much even 26years later, I'm still confused when bad stuff happens to me, I just want to understand them and when it comes up to my exBPDgf, I can never fully understand whats going on in her head.
Thanks again for the support.

I'm very good about distracting myself, the problem is that I need to work and I haven't been able to do that lately. I can't do both, I need to find a way to focus on work, so far it has been hard. Sleeping is horrible since she broke up with me. I can't sleep, usually only sleep at 6am or so and wake up either a couple hours after or in the middle of the afternoon. I'm trying this week to fix this, I have klonopin and other meds, which I don't like taking, but I'm the sort of person who really doesn't get addicted easily, my therapist is very comfortable with me on this, though I'm not very comfortable in taking klonopin for an extended amount of time. First couple weeks I took it almost everyday. I hadn't taken for 2-3 weeks and yesterday I had to take it. I might just take it to help me sleep this week and get a better schedule.

My problem with distractions and the meds though, is also that it doesn't seem to deal with the issue. It feels like not dealing with it and hoping time will kill some memories from my head. I'm terrified of making bad decisions and the worst thing for me would be ignoring the situation and in the future realizing I should have done something different and now it's too late cuz I postponed and ignored what I felt. Part of me still doesn't want to give up on her and I feel like I have to come to a conclusion mentally on what I should do, which feel a bit crazy... Part of me knows she won't change and she's completely detached from other people's emotions and it's hard to accept it.

Today she answered me telling me to send her stuff through Uber. She asked if I could send it today before 5:30 and I replied it was impossible as it was far and I still had to pack. I asked why the rush since it had been so many weeks and even though I had mentioned in the past she never seemed to care about getting her stuff back. She was offended by my question saying she didn't owe me an explanation and it was something she disliked even in our relationship. We ended up having an argument, but I told her it was a fair and honest question, even an unrelated homeless person could have asked it, she wasn't obligated to answer. Specially if there was a reason she NEEDED it today and I had to stop everything I was doing to rush grabbing 6 years worth of things and pack and ship to her within 30min, I might do it, but if there's no reason, I'm not going to. She asked I didn't tare anything down. I was confused by this and told her I wouldn't and that after all these years she didn't know me if she was asking that.

She got really mad at me and bolstered how she made the right decision in breaking up and that I truly didn't know her if I asked her mom if she was ok when she out of nowhere took a 15 day vacation from work to go to a cabin in the woods. I answered that when I first met her, she told me how she just had left a mental institution after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend, which later on confessed to running from the institution with a previous boyfriend to go to the beach and smoke weed and after that going back to the mental institution and falling in love with a crazy guy that was there almost catatonic and when she was with me she was having hallucinations frequently at first. So since she had a 6 year relationship with me, someone who never abused her like she claims her other ex did, I had no idea what her reaction was going to be and was concerned for her well being yes. I felt bad for saying it after I did... She told me to eff myself and that was the end of the conversation. I said I was sorry for everything anyway, I felt really bad. At the same time I feel like a loser, cuz it seems she only respects people that don't respect her. That angers me to the core. Even while she was my gf she would flirt with narcissist/psychos and treat me like I was a loser.

Man this has got to read like a noodle soup, but I had too much to say.

 Just to make sure, and clear it. Is not about PTSD about a condition you had before or that you will have delusions, etc. It is about a type of PTSD that can be developed by being on a relationship with a BPD. Is the trauma that she created to you with her BPD that could create the PTSD, that is particular to BPD, not to anything else.

[Rev]

Hi H,

Going to echo the two comments you received about PTSD like symptoms following break-ups like this.  Mentioning that because it is a normal - and not helpful - reaction to feel like we have failed in some what when we suffer.  It's tied to our defense mechanism. 

No - most medication will not "fix" this on its own. Med's keep us more stable though - so that more energy can be devoted to our life goals.   One day at a time - set your boundaries - it's a process - all can sound like simple little memes from social media. Except that when you get down to it, it really is about that when you find yourself in the position you are right now.  We get it - we've been there. We didn't like it either.

Tell yourself this:  If you do a little bit at a time, and keep doing a little bit at time, in six months you will not be in the same shape you are now. In six months time, you can re-evaluate. 

What do you think?

Rev

PS - You said that you didn't have anyone to talk to and yet here you are posting and getting responses. On-line is different but it is conversation.  How is it working for you?

[Azrael]

I appreciate the support.

I'll check your other posts.

I stopped going to therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm going whenever I have enough for an appointment.

I understand I'm scarred by my past, but I'm not sure I'd classify it as PTSD. I met someone with PTSD a few years ago with full blown hallucinations and vivid episodes that was truly horrifying, I even took this person to the hospital thinking it was a seizure.

I do have intrusive thoughts and feel bad about myself thinking back, it affects me, but I'm not sure it would classify it was PTSD. I'd dissociate a lot when it happened, probably why it didnt f me up as bad as it should. I remember very few things, I remember vividly my father yelling at me at the car for up to an hour, but complaining about things completely unrelated to me and I'd ask myself as a 5-6yro "what did I do? why is he telling me this?" I'd remember one of two sentences out of it all. The only time it stuck to me that I remember anything is my father telling me "your mom sleeps with n******" and so many questions popped out of my head as a 6yro cuz I didn't even understand sex very much at that age, much less cared about race or even why he was telling me this and why he was mad at me. I guess talking about this now, kinda makes me think I didn't change that much even 26years later, I'm still confused when bad stuff happens to me, I just want to understand them and when it comes up to my exBPDgf, I can never fully understand whats going on in her head.
Thanks again for the support.

I'm very good about distracting myself, the problem is that I need to work and I haven't been able to do that lately. I can't do both, I need to find a way to focus on work, so far it has been hard. Sleeping is horrible since she broke up with me. I can't sleep, usually only sleep at 6am or so and wake up either a couple hours after or in the middle of the afternoon. I'm trying this week to fix this, I have klonopin and other meds, which I don't like taking, but I'm the sort of person who really doesn't get addicted easily, my therapist is very comfortable with me on this, though I'm not very comfortable in taking klonopin for an extended amount of time. First couple weeks I took it almost everyday. I hadn't taken for 2-3 weeks and yesterday I had to take it. I might just take it to help me sleep this week and get a better schedule.

My problem with distractions and the meds though, is also that it doesn't seem to deal with the issue. It feels like not dealing with it and hoping time will kill some memories from my head. I'm terrified of making bad decisions and the worst thing for me would be ignoring the situation and in the future realizing I should have done something different and now it's too late cuz I postponed and ignored what I felt. Part of me still doesn't want to give up on her and I feel like I have to come to a conclusion mentally on what I should do, which feel a bit crazy... Part of me knows she won't change and she's completely detached from other people's emotions and it's hard to accept it.

Today she answered me telling me to send her stuff through Uber. She asked if I could send it today before 5:30 and I replied it was impossible as it was far and I still had to pack. I asked why the rush since it had been so many weeks and even though I had mentioned in the past she never seemed to care about getting her stuff back. She was offended by my question saying she didn't owe me an explanation and it was something she disliked even in our relationship. We ended up having an argument, but I told her it was a fair and honest question, even an unrelated homeless person could have asked it, she wasn't obligated to answer. Specially if there was a reason she NEEDED it today and I had to stop everything I was doing to rush grabbing 6 years worth of things and pack and ship to her within 30min, I might do it, but if there's no reason, I'm not going to. She asked I didn't tare anything down. I was confused by this and told her I wouldn't and that after all these years she didn't know me if she was asking that.

She got really mad at me and bolstered how she made the right decision in breaking up and that I truly didn't know her if I asked her mom if she was ok when she out of nowhere took a 15 day vacation from work to go to a cabin in the woods. I answered that when I first met her, she told me how she just had left a mental institution after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend, which later on confessed to running from the institution with a previous boyfriend to go to the beach and smoke weed and after that going back to the mental institution and falling in love with a crazy guy that was there almost catatonic and when she was with me she was having hallucinations frequently at first. So since she had a 6 year relationship with me, someone who never abused her like she claims her other ex did, I had no idea what her reaction was going to be and was concerned for her well being yes. I felt bad for saying it after I did... She told me to eff myself and that was the end of the conversation. I said I was sorry for everything anyway, I felt really bad. At the same time I feel like a loser, cuz it seems she only respects people that don't respect her. That angers me to the core. Even while she was my gf she would flirt with narcissist/psychos and treat me like I was a loser.

Man this has got to read like a noodle soup, but I had too much to say.

 I dont know if you read the essay I recommended others, that is on one of my posts.

 You are describing the BPD relationship cycle. And the thing is that you are reinforcing her manipulation and control. The more she can get you to enter an argument and make you react, gives her new ammo to keep blasting you. That is what she is doing. And nothing from a pwBPD thinking will make sense. They do not reason at all or in logic. Their requests are impulsive and emotional, and knowing full well you would not be able to do them, or to make you go over a lot. That gives them power. That makes them feel they can manipulate you, and that you still care for them. In her mind, if she can make you stop your day to go attend her requests, she won. She disturbed your peace at any moment she wanted to make you work for her.

  You should reread all you wrote. See yourself. You are chained to her mentally. You need to break completely the umbilical cord. Look at what you described taking 2 steps back. Look at the wider picture. All these things you said she did while on a mental institution. Can you see that she did them CONSCIOUSLY? BPDs do their talionic impulse in full consciousness. Dont blame the condition as "poor her". Even more if she have been in treatment, she probably have been diagnosed, but BPDs mostly chose to NOT continue therapy. It triggers them too much.

  Now, the thing here is not her. Is you. In order to take control back of your life,. you need to cut her out completely. In a case like this, be assertive. Cold. Do not react to her requests and her words. Answer yes , no, or better yet, just send her a generic response in txt or mail and dont get into a conversation. Show her you have put your boundaries and she wont cross them over.

 Dont try to reason out the good things you did, how others wont be like you etc. Because BPDs dont act by reasoning. The best would be to understand that you were with a person with one of the most difficult personality disorders that exist, and focus on rebuilding your life back. Once you understand that what BPDs consider love is not real love, and that what they think is not normal, then you would realize that you need to find a normal person, not a patient. You wont save her either. And that is not your job in a relationship. There are therapists to deal with those things.

  Solve your pending issues with her instead of constant contact. Tell her when you will send her things, at your convenience not hers, and then do it and cut with that part. Dont give reasons to be in contact. She will lose all her control over you, and that would be a good thing.

[Hlinthewiking]

I'm cutting down on quotes to things I'm directly answering to so it's easier to read and answer everyone.

I really appreciate the support here. I just want to make clear I am thankful to everybody here and every contributions to the post and it has helped me feel a bit less alone. My life is a bit chaotic right now and I feel like it takes too much of my focus into myself.

Today has been another worst day... I went to bed last night and noticed I had received a voice message from her for the first time since we split. I got anxious instantly but I decided to take a klonopin and sleep first and not listen to it because I was afraid to miss my sleep again and I had an early doctors appointment today.

I listed to the audio in the morning. It's her telling me how she's sure she made the right decision in breaking up because I brought out all her past traumas and I don't know her because she's clearly not the same person and that she was happy but I had made her cry and it had been a long time since she had cried. Kinda confirms she hasn't shed a single tear about ending out relationship.

I ship her stuff out and it feels like I'm ripping my internal organs, packing and putting them on a strangers car. Felt like I wanted to vomit. I fell apart and sent her some messages about how I felt and that I never asked to get back, but that I was heartbroken we couldn't have talked to solve our issues. She asked if I took something from her for myself to remember her and asked if I put anything of mine along with her stuff to remember me. I thought it was the weirdest thing, since she asked for HER things and I wouldn't steal from her and never would imagine she'd want something from me, specially since she she broke up with me she used clothes I gave her that were mine in the past, which to me felt heartless. Even so, sometimes I just miss her so much, it feels even I lose respect for myself... Anyway, she calmer now, used some upset emojis in sympathy, basically felt sorry for me. I hadn't felt this kind of anxiety in a while and it was like despair, I was all over the place. Felt awful, no tears or much conventional sadness, just panic.

I had mentioned before my father had asked to call my uncle to talk about my surgeon. Today I called my uncle. He said two people had surgeries with this guy and got paralyzed. It's not quite the language he used, but it implied as much. I asked for more information, what kind of surgery or what happened and he refused to give any, just said he was thinking about what was best for me.I had a feeling that he was lying to me, because he used the exact same language as my father and it's at least odd that something so severe would happen twice and he would have no information on what kind of surgery and what went wrong, my uncle is also a doctor, so he should know. I'm an RD myself, I have a lot of doctor friends, I called a cousin whos a known doctor at this hospital and asked about my surgeon specifically, he vouched for him. I searched up online about malpractice lawsuits and couldn't find anything on him, also found out he's head of his department and this is the best hospital in the state, so I'm going to have to believe I was lied to by my family.

Are you good with boundaries? What weaknesses do you think you have?

I don't think I'm specifically bad, I just have a lot of endurance for suffering. She just does what ever she wants and usually it came to, accept her actions or it's over. I tried, believe me. There are a few boundaries I just can't stomach, but lately did anyway because of how badly my life turned out. When I was in a better place in life, not too long ago, before I got ill, I was a lot better at this. Kinda hard to enforce boundaries when you don't have any power. I start relationships way too fast sometimes since I feel so bad alone. Goes pretty well with BPDs, it's why this isn't my first BPD relationship. Hope that answers what you were looking for, there's a lot more I could say about my personal faults.

Going to echo the two comments you received about PTSD like symptoms following break-ups like this.  Mentioning that because it is a normal - and not helpful - reaction to feel like we have failed in some what when we suffer.  It's tied to our defense mechanism.  
...
What do you think?

Rev

PS - You said that you didn't have anyone to talk to and yet here you are posting and getting responses. On-line is different but it is conversation.  How is it working for you?

I understand, it makes sense. I just can't help it. She was the most important thing in my life. Despite her problems, I'v had my share as well. Weird thing though is that I was trying to get myself free from her since the first year of our relationship because she was really destroying me. For every good thing in our relationship there was 10 or 15 bad things, but when my life is as bad as it is right now, it's better to have one good thing and 50 bad things than 40 bad things and no good thing. Talking about boundaries, I'v had so many broken... She was doing so much stuff that was just not ok and there was nothing I could do if I wanted to be with her. I think I shouldn't have let it go this far, I'm afraid I'm damaged now. I really mean it. There were things she did that would have killed me in the past and I brushed it off and now I feel a bit numb.

Things like:

-She refused to celebrate my birthday and refused to be with me. I got so upset I didn't even celebrate it, I kept thinking about seeing friends and having to explain why my girlfriend, the person who wanted to marry me, wasn't on my own birthday. To the go and talk about her birthday and what she wanted to get several months before her birthday;

-She'd post provocative pictures and interact with strangers that hit on her and disrespected me;

-She'd post pictures laying in bed with a male friend that I had problems with and she was well aware, same guy in fact that cheated on her best friend;

-She'd often get drunk and want to have sex, but didn't want to have sex sober, making me feel horrible. In the final months of our relationship I had no sex for a couple weeks at least, she got drunk and kept telling me dirty stuff she wanted to do to me in bed and then just now following through and leaving me another week or more without sex, while still teasing me. I'v never been so sexually frustrated before, I lost my cool one day and couldn't keep my emotions in check, punched my bathroom door off the hinge and had to force myself to cry so I wouldn't be violent anymore. I'm usually a very calm person, I never lose my cool, there was too much in me that had to be let out somehow;

-She went to bars to drink without me and even went to a rave or hardcore party the weekend before she broke up with me and when she came to see me afterward, when she did, she was wasted;

I must be really fkd up to say all this and still be in love with this person.

I honestly don't know, my life has been so horrible lately I haven't been thinking about things like 6 months from now. But if both surgeries go well, in 6 months I will be able to get my life back on track. If the surgery a couple weeks from now goes poorly like my father and uncle implied, then I'd probably give up, idk man, that'd be too much.

It's definitely good to talk to people here, a lil less weight weighing me down.

I dont know if you read the essay I recommended others, that is on one of my posts.

Now, the thing here is not her. Is you. In order to take control back of your life,. you need to cut her out completely. In a case like this, be assertive. Cold. Do not react to her requests and her words. Answer yes , no, or better yet, just send her a generic response in txt or mail and dont get into a conversation. Show her you have put your boundaries and she wont cross them over.

Thanks man. I'll try, it's just that when I come here, I feel horrible have a ton of things to say and don't want to think about them. I'll spend some time later re-reading and doing that. I read some of my own 2016 posts here a few days ago on my exexbpdgf and I was shocked at how much healthier I was at the time and how much I forgot. Made me feel so immature right now. Feels like I regressed while getting older. This relationship really wrecked me and I'm not gonna blame it on her, this is on me, I let this happen to me and I don't know how I got stuck in this and STILL wish I was with her.

It's hard man, I'm trying work out my own head, cuz I'm the one who's "chasing her" or poking her from time to time. This thing bout sending her things out was the first time she initiated. I know I should let her go and move on, but I still don't want to, or am ready to and I don't know how to get there.

[SinisterComplex]

I'm cutting down on quotes to things I'm directly answering to so it's easier to read and answer everyone.

I really appreciate the support here. I just want to make clear I am thankful to everybody here and every contributions to the post and it has helped me feel a bit less alone. My life is a bit chaotic right now and I feel like it takes too much of my focus into myself.

Today has been another worst day... I went to bed last night and noticed I had received a voice message from her for the first time since we split. I got anxious instantly but I decided to take a klonopin and sleep first and not listen to it because I was afraid to miss my sleep again and I had an early doctors appointment today.

I listed to the audio in the morning. It's her telling me how she's sure she made the right decision in breaking up because I brought out all her past traumas and I don't know her because she's clearly not the same person and that she was happy but I had made her cry and it had been a long time since she had cried. Kinda confirms she hasn't shed a single tear about ending out relationship.

I ship her stuff out and it feels like I'm ripping my internal organs, packing and putting them on a strangers car. Felt like I wanted to vomit. I fell apart and sent her some messages about how I felt and that I never asked to get back, but that I was heartbroken we couldn't have talked to solve our issues. She asked if I took something from her for myself to remember her and asked if I put anything of mine along with her stuff to remember me. I thought it was the weirdest thing, since she asked for HER things and I wouldn't steal from her and never would imagine she'd want something from me, specially since she she broke up with me she used clothes I gave her that were mine in the past, which to me felt heartless. Even so, sometimes I just miss her so much, it feels even I lose respect for myself... Anyway, she calmer now, used some upset emojis in sympathy, basically felt sorry for me. I hadn't felt this kind of anxiety in a while and it was like despair, I was all over the place. Felt awful, no tears or much conventional sadness, just panic.

I had mentioned before my father had asked to call my uncle to talk about my surgeon. Today I called my uncle. He said two people had surgeries with this guy and got paralyzed. It's not quite the language he used, but it implied as much. I asked for more information, what kind of surgery or what happened and he refused to give any, just said he was thinking about what was best for me.I had a feeling that he was lying to me, because he used the exact same language as my father and it's at least odd that something so severe would happen twice and he would have no information on what kind of surgery and what went wrong, my uncle is also a doctor, so he should know. I'm an RD myself, I have a lot of doctor friends, I called a cousin whos a known doctor at this hospital and asked about my surgeon specifically, he vouched for him. I searched up online about malpractice lawsuits and couldn't find anything on him, also found out he's head of his department and this is the best hospital in the state, so I'm going to have to believe I was lied to by my family.


I don't think I'm specifically bad, I just have a lot of endurance for suffering. She just does what ever she wants and usually it came to, accept her actions or it's over. I tried, believe me. There are a few boundaries I just can't stomach, but lately did anyway because of how badly my life turned out. When I was in a better place in life, not too long ago, before I got ill, I was a lot better at this. Kinda hard to enforce boundaries when you don't have any power. I start relationships way too fast sometimes since I feel so bad alone. Goes pretty well with BPDs, it's why this isn't my first BPD relationship. Hope that answers what you were looking for, there's a lot more I could say about my personal faults.

I understand, it makes sense. I just can't help it. She was the most important thing in my life. Despite her problems, I'v had my share as well. Weird thing though is that I was trying to get myself free from her since the first year of our relationship because she was really destroying me. For every good thing in our relationship there was 10 or 15 bad things, but when my life is as bad as it is right now, it's better to have one good thing and 50 bad things than 40 bad things and no good thing. Talking about boundaries, I'v had so many broken... She was doing so much stuff that was just not ok and there was nothing I could do if I wanted to be with her. I think I shouldn't have let it go this far, I'm afraid I'm damaged now. I really mean it. There were things she did that would have killed me in the past and I brushed it off and now I feel a bit numb.

Things like:

-She refused to celebrate my birthday and refused to be with me. I got so upset I didn't even celebrate it, I kept thinking about seeing friends and having to explain why my girlfriend, the person who wanted to marry me, wasn't on my own birthday. To the go and talk about her birthday and what she wanted to get several months before her birthday;

-She'd post provocative pictures and interact with strangers that hit on her and disrespected me;

-She'd post pictures laying in bed with a male friend that I had problems with and she was well aware, same guy in fact that cheated on her best friend;

-She'd often get drunk and want to have sex, but didn't want to have sex sober, making me feel horrible. In the final months of our relationship I had no sex for a couple weeks at least, she got drunk and kept telling me dirty stuff she wanted to do to me in bed and then just now following through and leaving me another week or more without sex, while still teasing me. I'v never been so sexually frustrated before, I lost my cool one day and couldn't keep my emotions in check, punched my bathroom door off the hinge and had to force myself to cry so I wouldn't be violent anymore. I'm usually a very calm person, I never lose my cool, there was too much in me that had to be let out somehow;

-She went to bars to drink without me and even went to a rave or hardcore party the weekend before she broke up with me and when she came to see me afterward, when she did, she was wasted;

I must be really fkd up to say all this and still be in love with this person.

I honestly don't know, my life has been so horrible lately I haven't been thinking about things like 6 months from now. But if both surgeries go well, in 6 months I will be able to get my life back on track. If the surgery a couple weeks from now goes poorly like my father and uncle implied, then I'd probably give up, idk man, that'd be too much.

It's definitely good to talk to people here, a lil less weight weighing me down.


Thanks man. I'll try, it's just that when I come here, I feel horrible have a ton of things to say and don't want to think about them. I'll spend some time later re-reading and doing that. I read some of my own 2016 posts here a few days ago on my exexbpdgf and I was shocked at how much healthier I was at the time and how much I forgot. Made me feel so immature right now. Feels like I regressed while getting older. This relationship really wrecked me and I'm not gonna blame it on her, this is on me, I let this happen to me and I don't know how I got stuck in this and STILL wish I was with her.

It's hard man, I'm trying work out my own head, cuz I'm the one who's "chasing her" or poking her from time to time. This thing bout sending her things out was the first time she initiated. I know I should let her go and move on, but I still don't want to, or am ready to and I don't know how to get there.

First, you get a HUGE Thank you from me for your self-awareness and trying to keep your responses concise and laying out what you are responding to. Hey it lightens my load as far keeping an eye on things.... In addition to that though I do want to take some weight off of you. If you do not respond to everyone do not worry about it and do not feel obligated or that you have to respond to everything. For the most part, this community here is all about support and it is a come and go at your own pace kind of thing. The reason I am saying this is that I do not want you putting pressure on yourself OCD style and weighing yourself down with feelings that people here will be upset if you do not respond to them. If there are particular parts you want to respond to...do that like you did with mine and then just respond in general terms so it encompasses everyone. Cut yourself some slack okay my friend?

So my friend what you should do is take the time assess why you get into relationships too fast as you put it. You suffer from co-dependent issues. Now before there is any offense taken just follow me here...

You ideally want a healthy relationship, but it seems that there is an issue within you that prevents that. You have to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else. So if you look back at your relationships, what are the patterns, tendencies, behaviors that are common among the relationships?

Why do you think you struggle being alone? Also, you say you have a lot of endurance for suffering? Ok elaborate on that for me please...

Do you feel you deserve suffering?

Now, beyond that you can identify things you want to work on and your areas of opportunity, but what I do not want you doing is beating yourself down. Nah, we're not doing that crap. This here is about helping bring you up and helping you get rid of the S negative energy you have bottled up.

Take your time...respond back to me whenever you want. There is no timeline or deadline.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself!

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

I understand, it makes sense. I just can't help it. She was the most important thing in my life. Despite her problems, I'v had my share as well. Weird thing though is that I was trying to get myself free from her since the first year of our relationship because she was really destroying me. For every good thing in our relationship there was 10 or 15 bad things, but when my life is as bad as it is right now, it's better to have one good thing and 50 bad things than 40 bad things and no good thing. Talking about boundaries, I'v had so many broken... She was doing so much stuff that was just not ok and there was nothing I could do if I wanted to be with her. I think I shouldn't have let it go this far, I'm afraid I'm damaged now. I really mean it. There were things she did that would have killed me in the past and I brushed it off and now I feel a bit numb.

Hey H,

This ... THIS RIGHT HERE.  You've nailed it.  Nobody can "help it" at first - because the way we've needed to be in the relationship is not give and take in the everyday sense of the word.  It becomes first a habit, then a coping mechanism to keep the relationship going, then a dependency. I won't get into all the psychobabble in this post (although if you want to go there, there is lot's of pretty good stuff about it).  Suffice it to say that the dynamic of "one great thing" you name as "being better than nothing" is the very source of the addictive effect of these relationships. Like any substance, some people get hooked right away (that was me) while others sort of ease into it over a certain period of time - usually a few weeks to two or three months.

So - take some heed from Sinister Complex as he really is guiding you to break this pattern.  Keep reaching out and keep talking. It is a fact that people need to harmonize with other people - regardless of how they do that - to make sense of the their world.  Everybody benefits from the conversation - including those who are reading and contemplating their own lives.

You ... are ... doing awesome.  

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

PS - The numbness is a natural defense mechanism to building distance from an emotional pattern that was causing you damage. In many cases - being numb right now is a hopeful sign. It creates the space to "not feel numb" about things that are good for your nervous system. A little bit like changing your diet for health reasons. Make sense?

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you all.

She texted me yesterday night she wished things were different but that we were just "incompatible in the last couple years" and that I didn't want to participate "in her life". I think that's BPD for I grew tired of you, but the way she put it really made me really mad. I replied that it was the issue, she never wanted to build a life WITH me, it was HER life for me to follow and she never made herself a part of my life, never thought she owed me as much as I owed her and that she had made her decision so it was done and I didn't want to argue anymore.

Despite all this, since I lack her black and white thinking that I sometimes envy... I still feel like crap and miss her and it was a struggle the whole day just trying to not go check her social media.

I started to talk to other girls and not sure how I feel about that... I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to see other people, but at the same time, it's been so long I feel if I talk to a normal person that isn't so selfish, I might feel less anchored to her.

So my friend what you should do is take the time assess why you get into relationships too fast as you put it. You suffer from co-dependent issues. Now before there is any offense taken just follow me here...

You ideally want a healthy relationship, but it seems that there is an issue within you that prevents that. You have to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else. So if you look back at your relationships, what are the patterns, tendencies, behaviors that are common among the relationships?

Why do you think you struggle being alone? Also, you say you have a lot of endurance for suffering? Ok elaborate on that for me please...

Do you feel you deserve suffering?

Thank you.

Believe me, offending me is not easy, specially when someone doesn't mean to. I remember reading a lot about co-dependency back in 2015-2016. I acknowledge I have this issue, though it's not as bad as it was in the past.

That's easy to do tbh. I have a cycle.. I date some problematic model type, get abused, end it, try to find someone nice and try to not let myself be so vain, then I realize my feelings for this person don't evolve, I don't find them attractive enough, I end it, feel really bad for giving someone so nice hope and crushing it, that makes me want to find someone really attractive again, rinse and repeat. The difference this time is that it's probably the first time I'm not the one who ends the long term relationship and even though in the past I suffered from the loss of the person and acknowledged that though it hurt, it was the best and this time I'm not quite sure, I'm more accepting of people's faults, I'm not looking for a perfect woman anymore, I'm already past the deadline where I wanted to have my first kid... My whole history has been: my first girlfriend was ASPD/NPD, most horrible person I'v ever engaged with btw, the only ex I do not respect and would not even shake hands with, next gf was a suuuper nice girl, she was even attractive, I just didn't have the chemistry with her, her smell felt odd, it just never connected for me, I wish it did, I broke up with her because I with my first girlfriend I never even looked at other girls, I saw a girl at the gym and just the thought of being attracted to her and wanting to approach, made me want to end it. Next girl was my exexBPDgf, not evil, just a BPD girl that never got treated, I thought her happiness and all her negative feelings were my responsibility and walking on eggshells was an understatement, I had to literally profess my love every night in a different way and if it wasn't good enough, she'd experience negative emotions and that was hell, it was a relief when I had the permission to fall a sleep. I know how crazy it reads, it was that crazy, I'd never accept something like this now. I suffered a long time with anorgasmia because of psych meds and had no idea at the time it was the meds, so this GF was the only one who could please me and I started a dating spree to find someone who made me feel like her, I saw upwards of 5 girls a week, for months and months, then I changed meds, got mad with my shrink, started another relationship with a bipolar girl, my family started out a story telling me that she was a sex worker and had slept with family members, I never 100% knew it was true, she never admitted it, even if she did it and lied to me, I never got mad at her, she always treated me super well, but she broke it off because of the drama and I wasn't that in love with her despite it being the healthiest relationship I'v ever had. After this I met my now exBPDgf (+bipolar 1 rapid cycling).

With my exBPDgf, believe it or not I didn't walk on eggshells as much, she was almost like a lost balloon that I had to chase down to make sure she didn't do anything stupid, she didn't demand of me much when she wasn't with me, I was able to have a life when we weren't together and enjoy our time when we were together. A few episodes happened when she cut herself really bad cuz I went to see my former best friend who was leaving the country and she thought there'd be girls there and was jealous. Had tantrums where I had to physically restrain so she wouldn't hurt herself, she even almost bit a piece of my arm off once, it was close, I still have pictures of how my arm looked. I took her to see different shrinks, she changed meds a couple of times, she got a lot better after 8 months or so.

I just function a lot better when I'm in a relationship. Besides, because I pretty much never had a family and didn't have too many friends and now basically have none, it puts all my focus to my partner. I understand what you mean by codependency and though I don't think I can deny I still have problems with that, I don't think there's much I can do. I'v wanted to get married since before I was 10, this is my main life goal, married, with kids. I think this plays a big part of what may look like codependency but is analogous. I do not want to be happy alone because I do not want to be alone and I will never want to be alone. I'm open to criticism and input, but this is my reasoning.

I say I have a lot of endurance for suffering because I'v suffered a lot in my life and started almost at birth. I saw my father strangling my mom when I was 4-5 years old; My father would use me as an emotional outlet and a personal shrink since I was 3; I was bullied in school from 6 to 12; I got beat up badly several times and they took me to the principal's office all the time and even though I never fought back, they'd try to make me apologize, because in their mind if there was a fight, both parties are at fault, because I didn't do anything wrong, I refused, so I'd watch my bully apologize laughing at my face and leave while I'd be locked in the principal's office for a long time; I broke my sternum when I was 6-7 years old and took weeks to take an x ray because the doctors didn't believe me since I wasn't crying, I'd go to school with a broken sternum wearing a backpack opening up my ribcage in a lot of pain, the doctors apologized to me after they took the x-ray it was broken; I had asthma since I was little, because my sternum was broken, I tried to hold coughs, that made me develop an inguinal hernia and had to have surgery; Because I was bullied so much and the school never did anything my mom decided to switch me out of school in the mid term, that made me have to go to one school for half the year and change schools again, that didn't help me with making/keeping friends; My grandfather crashed his car on his way to make a bbq for my 13th birthday, found out he had inoperable brain cancer, my party was cancelled and he died 8 months later, I was really close with him, it was a horrible death, I watched him die a little every day; I always hated having asthma and being different than everyone else, one day a PE teacher told everyone to run and jump obstacles on a hardwood floor, I knew it was a horrible idea, but didn't want to be different, so I followed her orders, I broke my hip in several places and dislocated my femur, the pain was so bad if I tried to move, my eyes would stop working, I begged the teacher to call an ambulance and was denied, they called my mom because I was refusing to leave the field and was being an obstacle while people played soccer around me, after 40min they finally called an ambulance, I still have 2 titanium plates and 8 screws on my hip, that was the most horrible pain I'v ever experienced till this day; My father married a narcissist and she'd make his life hell and be jealous of me, one day she lied to him that I was banging on the back of her car seat on a car trip, she insisted 3-4 times, my father stopped the car at a gas station, lifted me off the ground holding my neck and strangled me until he was satisfied, I literally did nothing, she lied; My mom started dating a guy who abused me emotionally when she wasn't around and would brag to me about having sex with her; I'v never had any positive reinforcement in my life, my father would give me gifts and say "I'm not giving you this because you deserve it, I'm giving it to you because I want to give it to you", I'd either get things for no reason or it didn't matter if I failed a grade or did something...

There's more but I don't feel safe sharing the rest, I know this is anonymous but with the internet you never know what happens in the future. So when bad stuff happens to me, I don't think they are good, I don't enjoy them, but I can handle a lot more than the average person.

I'm not sure I feel I deserve suffering, I just feel ashamed to be alive sometimes, I feel like a burden. I remember being surprised and confused when my father had more children, by the way he treated me, I always thought he didn't want kids and resented me. That stuck with me a bit. I sometimes blame myself for bad things that happen around me and withdrawn a lot from other people because not wanting to have a negative impact on other people sticks a lot more than wanting to make a positive. If I impact someone's life positively in 10 ways and impact it negatively in 1, that's all I can think about and even though I know it, I don't know how to manage this well. Sometimes suffering in a way will ease the emotional pain of making a mistake or doing something wrong.

PS - The numbness is a natural defense mechanism to building distance from an emotional pattern that was causing you damage. In many cases - being numb right now is a hopeful sign. It creates the space to "not feel numb" about things that are good for your nervous system. A little bit like changing your diet for health reasons. Make sense?

I'm just afraid some boundaries I had and things I know are a big deal and I shouldn't be ok with may now be more ok. That terrifies me a bit about having another relationship.

[Rev]

I'm just afraid some boundaries I had and things I know are a big deal and I shouldn't be ok with may now be more ok. That terrifies me a bit about having another relationship.

Hey H,

Here too. Look at this This is pretty revelatory.   So the big question is - what is it going to take for you to not rush into another relationship?   I would highly encourage you to take what SC is saying to heart and sit with it to sink in. 

You say that it's hard to offend you - so I'm to be more direct.  Your response to SC appears to be coming from a head space but not a heart space.

You mentioned going to temple. It has been my experience that when men get themselves stuck like this - it's tied to shame. You mention that here in fact. When it's not named - out in the open - it will fester and bleed its way into every corner of our mindset.  There are studies that indicate that men tend not to function well out of relationships because we don't tend to go deep into emotional anchors that guide our relationship choices. You kinda mention that here too.

SC is essentially asking you stop and work on that.   I agree with him. 

What can I offer you to help you structure a plan forward?  Would that be helpful?  One thing is for sure - I sense a very kind and compassionate heart in you that is bruised.  Hang in there.  Healing is there for us. We walk that path together - every day.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

I couldn't stop myself on looking at her social media today. I keep thinking about when I met her and the hard times we spent together, the good and the bad times, I miss both. Because of the hard times it feels like it was something "we overcame" and somethings that should remind me how it wasn't good is not actually making me not recycle. Though her utter apathy and disconnect from me would probably prevent that even if I tried my hardest in getting her back. I have a feeling that the only thing that would make her want me back is if I stop loving her and show the same apathy towards her and move on with my life. I really believe that after knowing her for so many years... Yeah, the shame is really intense, I know I shouldn't feel what I feel for her but I still do...

Hey H,

Here too. Look at this This is pretty revelatory.   So the big question is - what is it going to take for you to not rush into another relationship?   I would highly encourage you to take what SC is saying to heart and sit with it to sink in. 

You say that it's hard to offend you - so I'm to be more direct.  Your response to SC appears to be coming from a head space but not a heart space.

You mentioned going to temple. It has been my experience that when men get themselves stuck like this - it's tied to shame. You mention that here in fact. When it's not named - out in the open - it will fester and bleed its way into every corner of our mindset.  There are studies that indicate that men tend not to function well out of relationships because we don't tend to go deep into emotional anchors that guide our relationship choices. You kinda mention that here too.

SC is essentially asking you stop and work on that.   I agree with him. 

What can I offer you to help you structure a plan forward?  Would that be helpful?  One thing is for sure - I sense a very kind and compassionate heart in you that is bruised.  Hang in there.  Healing is there for us. We walk that path together - every day.

Rev

I'm open to anything, I will definitely look into co-dependency material again. I honestly don't know what to ask, is there something in particular you'd recommend? I don't know what would be helpful :/. I keep comparing everybody to her and I don't know if I'll ever have a long term relationship with someone as pretty as she is, much less finding someone as beautiful and mentally healthier too. I'm afraid of my perfectionism is screwing me up for good after this.

Again, I really appreciate the support and the time you spared for me.

[tina7868]

Hello  ! I've been following this thread, and thought I could offer support as someone who is also trying to make sense of things.

I couldn't stop myself on looking at her social media today. I keep thinking about when I met her and the hard times we spent together, the good and the bad times, I miss both. Because of the hard times it feels like it was something "we overcame" and somethings that should remind me how it wasn't good is not actually making me not recycle. Though her utter apathy and disconnect from me would probably prevent that even if I tried my hardest in getting her back. I have a feeling that the only thing that would make her want me back is if I stop loving her and show the same apathy towards her and move on with my life. I really believe that after knowing her for so many years... Yeah, the shame is really intense, I know I shouldn't feel what I feel for her but I still do...

I can relate to feeling shame about how you feel. I recently read about the differences between shame and guilt: guilt comes from perceiving that you did something wrong, while shame comes from feeling like your whole self is wrong. Guilt can help you learn and grow, while shame keeps you stuck. Being honest about how you feel, even if it isn't how you think you are ´supposed´ to feel, is brave. It's a starting point and a place to build from. Be compassionate with yourself. There is no one way, or right way, to feel.

I can also relate to thinking about how you would have to be in order for her to want you back. The truth is, that exercise is doomed to go nowhere from the start, because we cannot have control over other people. You can work on yourself and learn and grow, but at the end of the day the best version of you is when you are authentically yourself. No one is worth changing that for.

I keep comparing everybody to her and I don't know if I'll ever have a long term relationship with someone as pretty as she is, much less finding someone as beautiful and mentally healthier too. I'm afraid of my perfectionism is screwing me up for good after this.

I relate to this as well. I could tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea, that someone better is out there for you...all of which is true, but I know I've been told this before. I do find myself believing it sometimes, but when I am very triggered, when I can't imagine myself getting over the situation, I turn towards acceptance. Okay, this is how I feel now. Okay, I will live my life without meeting someone else. I'm still safe, I still have other things to look forward to. I don't force myself to feel any differently.

My input is less on the exploratory side and more about how I've made sense of how I feel. This really is an opportunity to get to know yourself. You don't have to be a certain way to be worthy of being happy. You are already there.

Wishing you the best and here to listen!

[Rev]

I couldn't stop myself on looking at her social media today. I keep thinking about when I met her and the hard times we spent together, the good and the bad times, I miss both. Because of the hard times it feels like it was something "we overcame" and somethings that should remind me how it wasn't good is not actually making me not recycle. Though her utter apathy and disconnect from me would probably prevent that even if I tried my hardest in getting her back. I have a feeling that the only thing that would make her want me back is if I stop loving her and show the same apathy towards her and move on with my life. I really believe that after knowing her for so many years... Yeah, the shame is really intense, I know I shouldn't feel what I feel for her but I still do...

I'm open to anything, I will definitely look into co-dependency material again. I honestly don't know what to ask, is there something in particular you'd recommend? I don't know what would be helpful :/. I keep comparing everybody to her and I don't know if I'll ever have a long term relationship with someone as pretty as she is, much less finding someone as beautiful and mentally healthier too. I'm afraid of my perfectionism is screwing me up for good after this.

Again, I really appreciate the support and the time you spared for me.

So what I would respond is that, in reading this, you are really starting to tune into what to ask for in terms of support.   The deeper stuff is always linked, I think, into why we are co-dependent. Everyone is co-dependent to a point. So it's not so much if you or I are co-dependent, but to what degree. You talk about how she is beautiful and intelligent, and  yet that is in the eye of the beholder, isn't it? 

Beauty comes in many forms, just as intelligence comes in many forms.

Maybe one thing you might do - which is something I did - was to list all the things that my own co-dependency masked about the relationship. While every journey is different, it took me a full two years to get the doubt under control in all facets of my life.  My connection to the image I had of her, however false, was that pervasive.

You seem to be a very self reflective, highly intuitive person about yourself. Maybe one thing you could benefit from is some support in affirming what really was harmful about the relationship for you - it's the first step to moving from over identifying with your trauma - kinda like cancer patients who undergo intensive treatment are coached to really get into the mindset of "I am not my cancer". 

What do you think as a start?

And maybe in reflecting on this - this thread can become a collaborative effort.   Tina just did that.

Hang in there.  One day you will pay this forward, if you aren't already.

Rev

[Azrael]

Thanks man. I'll try, it's just that when I come here, I feel horrible have a ton of things to say and don't want to think about them. I'll spend some time later re-reading and doing that. I read some of my own 2016 posts here a few days ago on my exexbpdgf and I was shocked at how much healthier I was at the time and how much I forgot. Made me feel so immature right now. Feels like I regressed while getting older. This relationship really wrecked me and I'm not gonna blame it on her, this is on me, I let this happen to me and I don't know how I got stuck in this and STILL wish I was with her.

It's hard man, I'm trying work out my own head, cuz I'm the one who's "chasing her" or poking her from time to time. This thing bout sending her things out was the first time she initiated. I know I should let her go and move on, but I still don't want to, or am ready to and I don't know how to get there.

  You get there by doing a mental surgery about her. This type of attachments are like cancer. They will slowly devour us, to the point of failure. Only by removing the cancer and healing the rest we can start to heal. There is no other approach. If you leave a little piece of cancer to reproduce, it will infect you again. Focus all the time on cutting her out, specially those times you feel petty about yourself.Create a new you and new plans for you in your life , that are for you and with you. One step at a time, but focus on this.

[Hlinthewiking]

I ended up seeing someone else this weekend. Nothing too serious, just had "coffee" (I only had water). It actually helped quite a bit as to show the contrast of how twisted our relationship had been for so long. It was a pleasant time between two people who each talked and listened to each other.

I knew I wasn't ready for another person, but I think I was right in that it would be helpful in the way that it did. "Funny" thing though, this person I met sounded a bit infatuated for me, which was not so odd, but had my attention at first. Today I was talking to this person and her reaction raised all sorts of red flags, she was disappointed I declined her invitation to go to a coffee shop in her city, which is a bit far from me and reacted kinda passive aggressive about it. I asked if she was upset and what happened and she kinda blew on me, I wouldn't be surprised if this girl is BPD too, I cut her off right there, I mean, if this is happening before our second date, I can't imagine how it would be if we had a long term relationship. I'm not gonna ghost her or anything, but I don't think I'm going to see her again. Man, I don't understand how I'm such a magnet to these bpd women, I swear I start talking to girls for their looks most of the time.

This experience kinda changed how I see my ex. I still love her and have feelings towards her, miss her etc... But I don't feel as chained to her anymore and I don't feel as bad as I thought I would for seeing someone else, though we didn't have sex. Hopefully things keep improving.

I'm going to try to focus on my surgery and work for now. I still don't think I can stop 100% to talking to other people and leaving the door open for someone else, but I hope that doesn't occupy much of my head atm.

[kells76]

Hey Hlinthewiking;

This sounds pretty balanced on your end:

I ended up seeing someone else this weekend. Nothing too serious, just had "coffee" (I only had water). It actually helped quite a bit as to show the contrast of how twisted our relationship had been for so long. It was a pleasant time between two people who each talked and listened to each other.

I knew I wasn't ready for another person, but I think I was right in that it would be helpful in the way that it did. "Funny" thing though, this person I met sounded a bit infatuated for me, which was not so odd, but had my attention at first. Today I was talking to this person and her reaction raised all sorts of red flags, she was disappointed I declined her invitation to go to a coffee shop in her city, which is a bit far from me and reacted kinda passive aggressive about it. I asked if she was upset and what happened and she kinda blew on me, I wouldn't be surprised if this girl is BPD too, I cut her off right there, I mean, if this is happening before our second date, I can't imagine how it would be if we had a long term relationship. I'm not gonna ghost her or anything, but I don't think I'm going to see her again. Man, I don't understand how I'm such a magnet to these bpd women, I swear I start talking to girls for their looks most of the time.

This experience kinda changed how I see my ex. I still love her and have feelings towards her, miss her etc... But I don't feel as chained to her anymore and I don't feel as bad as I thought I would for seeing someone else, though we didn't have sex. Hopefully things keep improving.

I'm going to try to focus on my surgery and work for now. I still don't think I can stop 100% to talking to other people and leaving the door open for someone else, but I hope that doesn't occupy much of my head atm.

You spent some time meeting a new person and it was fine. Then, you paid attention to your gut -- you noticed some things that were red flags for you -- so you made a choice to let that first meeting be it and then be done. It doesn't sound like you are feeling pressure or guilt to continue to spend time with this person.

Did you feel like you were "in the driver's seat" during that experience -- that is, did you feel like you had control over the choices you made, how close you got/how quickly, what you talked about, etc? If so, what was that like?

Makes a lot of sense that you are assessing your priorities, what you have energy for, and deciding to focus on health and employment for the moment. Overall, it sounds balanced. Does it feel that way?

[Rev]

Hey Hlinthewiking;

This sounds pretty balanced on your end:

You spent some time meeting a new person and it was fine. Then, you paid attention to your gut -- you noticed some things that were red flags for you -- so you made a choice to let that first meeting be it and then be done. It doesn't sound like you are feeling pressure or guilt to continue to spend time with this person.

Did you feel like you were "in the driver's seat" during that experience -- that is, did you feel like you had control over the choices you made, how close you got/how quickly, what you talked about, etc? If so, what was that like?

Makes a lot of sense that you are assessing your priorities, what you have energy for, and deciding to focus on health and employment for the moment. Overall, it sounds balanced. Does it feel that way?

Ditto

[Hlinthewiking]

I tried accessing the website yesterday and wasn't able to, was the website down or maybe was my ISP?

Hey Hlinthewiking;

This sounds pretty balanced on your end:

You spent some time meeting a new person and it was fine. Then, you paid attention to your gut -- you noticed some things that were red flags for you -- so you made a choice to let that first meeting be it and then be done. It doesn't sound like you are feeling pressure or guilt to continue to spend time with this person.

Did you feel like you were "in the driver's seat" during that experience -- that is, did you feel like you had control over the choices you made, how close you got/how quickly, what you talked about, etc? If so, what was that like?

Makes a lot of sense that you are assessing your priorities, what you have energy for, and deciding to focus on health and employment for the moment. Overall, it sounds balanced. Does it feel that way?

I'm not sure how things turned upside down so quickly. Doesn't feel like I was able to earn your kind words for too long xD. After this incident I with this girl I a had a with, she apologized profusely, I didn't expect that, she sent a row of texts, I reviewed the whole conversation the next day and I think I might have overreacted a little. I don't think I was wrong about the red flags, but it's not what I'm used to. I felt a bit bad next day after re-reading because even though I still believe I was right about it not being a good sign, I wasn't as nice as I normally am on my reply. She felt even more sorry than I thought she needed to be, I don't think she "committed any crimes", I just thought it was not the right foot to start something.

I ended up going on another date with her after that and today had a third date... It actually feels a bit like a mirror image... It's an odd thing to explain...  This girl definitely has some sort of issue, but she reminds me of myself, but in a much more exaggerated way. She doesn't seem to respect herself much and I kinda have to police myself to make sure she's not doing things just cuz she thinks I want them or because she wants them. I get the feeling she's walking on eggshells by herself? It's an odd thing to explain, but there has been several times where I said something and she thinks she said something wrong and upset me or that I took too long to answer and she must have done something wrong, but I she never did anything wrong, I was just replying normally and she got the wrong idea or I took a bit longer to reply because I was busy. She's reminding a lot of myself when I was on my first BPD relationship.

Today we had our third date, I didn't quite feel as into her and she's into me, but I'm seeing where it goes since she's being so nice and seems like an actually too nice of a person. We ended up having sex today for the first time, which I thought would get me closer to her, but ended up being the other way. It was so odd... She's so shy, nervous or anxious that I felt like I had to keep checking on her cuz I felt like if she weren't liking something she wouldn't tell me and again she's so withdrawn that it felt like it was her first time, but she's 29 and she's had long term relationships in the past, at least one by her account.

Now it just made everything worst. I couldn't even finish, felt like it was a chore. It was the first time I took someone else to my bed since I met my ex in over 6 years, doesn't feel as much like I cheated on her, it feels like I "tainted our bed", not sure which is worse. Took a shower and got my bed sheets in the washer cuz I couldn't sleep without doing so first. Also I have no idea what to do about this girl I'v been seeing. I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't think she'll grow on me. I'v met at least one girl I thought I didn't like at first and ended up loving her later, but I don't feel like this will be the case.

This kinda thing happens to me all the time when I get single. If I have one date with someone, I feel like I owe them just as if we were in a long term relationship. I can't talk to anybody else until we call it off and I don't know how to refuse the next date... I used to think this was a good thing, then I didn't, now I'm not sure. It should be normal that people date and if things don't work out they don't go on, no? Why is it so bizarre to me? It sux how hard relationships are and it takes two people to like each other and someone usually gets hurt, that kinda thing just scares me into never being into a relationship with someone I loved as much as my ex.

A bit terrified about having my surgery in 9 days. Even if things go well, I could be out of commission for months and I still gotta do surgery in the other side and the bills are pilling up.

[SinisterComplex]

I tried accessing the website yesterday and wasn't able to, was the website down or maybe was my ISP?

I'm not sure how things turned upside down so quickly. Doesn't feel like I was able to earn your kind words for too long xD. After this incident I with this girl I a had a with, she apologized profusely, I didn't expect that, she sent a row of texts, I reviewed the whole conversation the next day and I think I might have overreacted a little. I don't think I was wrong about the red flags, but it's not what I'm used to. I felt a bit bad next day after re-reading because even though I still believe I was right about it not being a good sign, I wasn't as nice as I normally am on my reply. She felt even more sorry than I thought she needed to be, I don't think she "committed any crimes", I just thought it was not the right foot to start something.

I ended up going on another date with her after that and today had a third date... It actually feels a bit like a mirror image... It's an odd thing to explain...  This girl definitely has some sort of issue, but she reminds me of myself, but in a much more exaggerated way. She doesn't seem to respect herself much and I kinda have to police myself to make sure she's not doing things just cuz she thinks I want them or because she wants them. I get the feeling she's walking on eggshells by herself? It's an odd thing to explain, but there has been several times where I said something and she thinks she said something wrong and upset me or that I took too long to answer and she must have done something wrong, but I she never did anything wrong, I was just replying normally and she got the wrong idea or I took a bit longer to reply because I was busy. She's reminding a lot of myself when I was on my first BPD relationship.

Today we had our third date, I didn't quite feel as into her and she's into me, but I'm seeing where it goes since she's being so nice and seems like an actually too nice of a person. We ended up having sex today for the first time, which I thought would get me closer to her, but ended up being the other way. It was so odd... She's so shy, nervous or anxious that I felt like I had to keep checking on her cuz I felt like if she weren't liking something she wouldn't tell me and again she's so withdrawn that it felt like it was her first time, but she's 29 and she's had long term relationships in the past, at least one by her account.

Now it just made everything worst. I couldn't even finish, felt like it was a chore. It was the first time I took someone else to my bed since I met my ex in over 6 years, doesn't feel as much like I cheated on her, it feels like I "tainted our bed", not sure which is worse. Took a shower and got my bed sheets in the washer cuz I couldn't sleep without doing so first. Also I have no idea what to do about this girl I'v been seeing. I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't think she'll grow on me. I'v met at least one girl I thought I didn't like at first and ended up loving her later, but I don't feel like this will be the case.

This kinda thing happens to me all the time when I get single. If I have one date with someone, I feel like I owe them just as if we were in a long term relationship. I can't talk to anybody else until we call it off and I don't know how to refuse the next date... I used to think this was a good thing, then I didn't, now I'm not sure. It should be normal that people date and if things don't work out they don't go on, no? Why is it so bizarre to me? It sux how hard relationships are and it takes two people to like each other and someone usually gets hurt, that kinda thing just scares me into never being into a relationship with someone I loved as much as my ex.

A bit terrified about having my surgery in 9 days. Even if things go well, I could be out of commission for months and I still gotta do surgery in the other side and the bills are pilling up.

The website had some technical difficulties. Nothing to do with your ISP.

I will check back in later. Keep your head up my friend.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[GlennT]

It appears as though you have been in non-stop relationships. You got them somewhat figured out, and some personal insight into why you chose another BPD. This is a very stressful time for you. Since you are still processing the other break-up, wouldn't it be a good time to discontinue dating for awhile?

[Hlinthewiking]

having a panic attack right now.

Can't stop thinking about my ex since the last date I had with that girl. Day before yesterday was the worst sleep in a long time, had a nightmare about her, woke up a couple times scared/panicking. Yesterday I was using whatsapp and noticed my ex changed profile pictures. I was just scrolling, it was accidental. She had taken that new picture in a bedroom that wasn't hers.

Today I woke up and still was thinking about her, noticed she blocked me on instagram. I think she already replaced me. I don't know what to do. I thought I was getting a bit better, but I was just distracting myself.

What can I do? I need to do something, I'm a bit desperate. $50 left on my bank acc and 8 days from now I'm having surgery so I won't be able to work. I put some stuff to sell but they wont sell. I feel backed into a corner, I don't think I'v ever been in a worse situation than now. I can't see myself living without her atm

[kells76]

Hey hlinthewiking;

Glad that you decided to post here even in this really difficult moment of having a panic attack. You have both parts of your brain online right now if you are able to do that, good job.

I definitely understand the feeling of needing/wanting to do something. Let's take a first step in that direction, which is checking in with your breathing. Can you describe your breathing to us, and then decide if you want to try different types of breathing or if it working okay for you right now?

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey hlinthewiking;

Glad that you decided to post here even in this really difficult moment of having a panic attack. You have both parts of your brain online right now if you are able to do that, good job.

I definitely understand the feeling of needing/wanting to do something. Let's take a first step in that direction, which is checking in with your breathing. Can you describe your breathing to us, and then decide if you want to try different types of breathing or if it working okay for you right now?

I appreciate the support, didn't expect anybody to post so fast. I don't tend to hyperventilate, I just shutdown a lot, stop breathing then remember I gotta breathe. I stared at a wall/ceiling for a while and cried, feel less worse atm. My whole day was: Woke up, ate, had a panic attack, I tuned out, hours went by, day was over.

I just don't know how to function. Takes so much effort just to exist that I literally can't do anything. I'm afraid that sometimes you are just too far out and there's not much you can do. Anytime I try to do anything I just start to try and find a solution and I can't find any, so I just shutdown and redo all over again. I'm feeling like a parasite, I'm not helping anybody. If I were pulling some weight somehow, I'd feel less worse. Any suggestions?

[kells76]

Hey again,

I appreciate the support, didn't expect anybody to post so fast. I don't tend to hyperventilate, I just shutdown a lot, stop breathing then remember I gotta breathe. I stared at a wall/ceiling for a while and cried, feel less worse atm. My whole day was: Woke up, ate, had a panic attack, I tuned out, hours went by, day was over.

This board has been a lifesaver for me, too. I know it can mean a lot to hear back from someone in those dark moments.

The not breathing / needing to consciously decide to breathe makes sense. Do you notice any emotions happening when you remind yourself to breathe, and consciously breathe?

I just don't know how to function. Takes so much effort just to exist that I literally can't do anything. I'm afraid that sometimes you are just too far out and there's not much you can do. Anytime I try to do anything I just start to try and find a solution and I can't find any, so I just shutdown and redo all over again. I'm feeling like a parasite, I'm not helping anybody. If I were pulling some weight somehow, I'd feel less worse. Any suggestions?

I wonder if a way to look at this could be -- your body is telling you some stuff. You are receiving messages from your body about how things are going. Maybe the messages were less intense in the past, but you are getting some strong messages now. A lot of what is going on is sending you in a direction of what sounds like -- slow down and lay down!

If that's the framing, do you think your body is doing whatever it takes to make you rest? If not, what message might your body be trying to send instead of that?

Listening to the messages from your body sounds like doing something and helping yourself, vs doing nothing and not helping anybody.

Just wondering if the thoughts and feelings of "not sure how to function... can't do much of anything... shutting down" are messages for you to listen to about what you need.

IDK -- some brainstorming there.

It's actually good to hear that you looked at the wall and ceiling for a while. Have you heard about counting the right angles you see as a grounding technique?

[Rev]

It's actually good to hear that you looked at the wall and ceiling for a while. Have you heard about counting the right angles you see as a grounding technique?

I have another one to add.

Get yourself in a place where you can sit or have your back against something  - if possible.

Then look around you. Note three things that you see.

*ie - plant, table, lamp.

Say those three things in your mind.

Then say them out loud.

Then go to them and touch them saying them out loud.

Go back to the beginning.

Say the three things in your mind.
Out loud...
Touch and out loud.

Repeat as needed ...

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

If that's the framing, do you think your body is doing whatever it takes to make you rest? If not, what message might your body be trying to send instead of that?

Listening to the messages from your body sounds like doing something and helping yourself, vs doing nothing and not helping anybody.

Just wondering if the thoughts and feelings of "not sure how to function... can't do much of anything... shutting down" are messages for you to listen to about what you need.

IDK -- some brainstorming there.

It's actually good to hear that you looked at the wall and ceiling for a while. Have you heard about counting the right angles you see as a grounding technique?

I haven't really done much lately, so it can't be that I need more rest. It's depression weighing me down and making me useless and that just feeds the loop. Can't do anything cuz I'm depressed and can't not be depressed because I'm useless and I'm taking more than I'm giving to others.

It's a good suggestion about counting corners, haven't heard that before. I knew in the past about trying to focus outside of my head, just hard to remember when I'm panicking. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try to remember if it happens again.

I have another one to add.

Get yourself in a place where you can sit or have your back against something  - if possible.

Then look around you. Note three things that you see.

*ie - plant, table, lamp.

Say those three things in your mind.

Then say them out loud.

Then go to them and touch them saying them out loud.

Go back to the beginning.

Say the three things in your mind.
Out loud...
Touch and out loud.

Repeat as needed ...

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

Thank you. I had forgotten about focusing outside of my head. I appreciate the help, I'll try to remember. I have anxiety but I don't have panic attacks often.

-

I'v spent most of the time since, in researching about my physical problem and the surgery. I'm really concerned because this surgeon seems very dismissive about the seriousness of this and I can't tell if it's confidence or lack of empathy. I'v been trying to figure out if I don't have a choice or it's something I can fix without surgery or if this surgeon is going to do a good job. Other doctors I met dismissed surgery and said PT would be best, but PT didn't work and they weren't dismissed my diagnosis and test results. Not sure if I mentioned before, but this surgery is to remove my first ribs and middle and anterior scalenes for thoracic outset decompression. It's not unusual to not want to sleep someone you met on the same day, I gotta trust this guy to rip 2 ribs and 4 muscles from my neck forever and I have talked to him less than 1h ever. To me that's very hard to do. Sometimes I just try to think like ripping a bandaid and ignore my gut and most of the times, I regret that I do, because I was right even though everyone said otherwise, if this happens this time... it's a hole so deep I don't even know where it leads and I'm already in a hole so deep I can barely see others. If this surgeon nicks an artery I could die on the table, if he cuts one of the nerves, I lose function of something, forever, there's also at least one phrenic nerve on each side, and that controls your diaphragm. I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss. I saw a lot of pro baseball players have had this problem and some had the surgery and were able to come back to pro play, but I'm sure they had better surgeons. 7 days left till surgery now.

Still thinking a lot about my ex. Looks like she deleted her Instagram for some reason, I thought she had blocked it, but I tried checking without being logged in and nothing shows up. Her whatsapp has a fixed message now saying "If you think you own me, then you know nothing about me" from 3 days ago. I'm sure it's not about me, we haven't interacted in weeks or more. I think she's just collecting drooling "fools" now (not sure if in**ll is kosher here), she always loved to have people she never would date drool on her and flirt with her, even while we were together. Either that or she was dating another guy and she discarded him. I'v always thought I was chasing her like a helium balloon while we were together. Looks like the balloon is loose and heading to the stratosphere, eventually it's gonna pop and come down empty. I'm not sure if I have any hate for her, but I do hate myself for loving her. I didn't spend more than 5min checking those things, I don't wanna stalk her, just couldn't help it.

[Rev]

Hi H,

Thanks for sharing ...

At this stage, I am really wondering if ruminating about your ex isn't a normal distraction for someone who is really facing what seems to be critical surgery? 

While not fun to be ruminating about her by any stretch, I think it is perfectly understandable that you are.  You are sitting there waiting, literally putting you wellbeing into the hands of another person. 

Personally, I would be happy to listen to how you are coping waiting for this surgery too, if it would help.  Not saying you should talk about that. Just saying that maybe that could be the root of your angst and it's being absorbed "sideways" by fretting about your ex.

H - at the risk of sounding paternalistic - I want to congratulate you and tell you that I am proud to be part of this thread.  When you first came here, you said that you weren't sure if you had it in you to talk to others. And yet, here you are, really having a look at yourself. I am sure that is not easy - so thank you for trusting us. 

Hang in there. Keep us posted.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi H,

Thanks for sharing ...

At this stage, I am really wondering if ruminating about your ex isn't a normal distraction for someone who is really facing what seems to be critical surgery? 

While not fun to be ruminating about her by any stretch, I think it is perfectly understandable that you are.  You are sitting there waiting, literally putting you wellbeing into the hands of another person. 

Personally, I would be happy to listen to how you are coping waiting for this surgery too, if it would help.  Not saying you should talk about that. Just saying that maybe that could be the root of your angst and it's being absorbed "sideways" by fretting about your ex.

H - at the risk of sounding paternalistic - I want to congratulate you and tell you that I am proud to be part of this thread.  When you first came here, you said that you weren't sure if you had it in you to talk to others. And yet, here you are, really having a look at yourself. I am sure that is not easy - so thank you for trusting us. 

Hang in there. Keep us posted.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Thank you. Without re-reading I really can't recall though, I'm very day to day lately. I'm usually an open person, just not trusting, there a difference, being open to being hurt and knowing you wont be hurt. I do trust you though. I just honestly wish I was contributing more. This seems very unidimensional, you all help me, I don't help anyone back. I need to find a way to get out of the hole so this dynamic doesn't happen more.

I understand how you can think that it may be for distraction away from my surgery, but I don't think it's the case. It's always at least on the back of my mind that the longer it passes, the more likely it is she's going to replace me and there will be nothing I can do to be back with her. You're welcome to question my priorities and I would agree with you if you did, but my romantic partner is that important to me. It's always been that way with me, if I loved that person truly. I haven't been able to bring together the opposite ends of "what I feel for her, what we had together, what was my emotions towards her and how she treated me".

The guilt of seeing someone else while still feeling tied to her, along with the sexual frustration of having a had bad experience when I was "desperate for sex" (my libido has always been super high and I came to find I'm not as easy to please as most men), just amplified what I was trying to suppress within. The sexual part is also something that's very torturing for me, because I feel horrible for thinking it might weigh on me more than it should, but at the same time I don't know what makes my ex so sexually appealing to me, if it's more skill and morphology or if it's what I feel for her. Just brings more shame and guilt unto me.

I'v always been very good at diagnosing, bad at finding solutions and even worse at implementing them.

OneDrive is also destroying me, I get daily e-mails showing me "memories" and I always click and pray that there will be no pictures of her, because when there are no pictures of her I feel relieved and when I try not to click, I can't stop thinking that I didn't click and wonder what was there. But to go there and siphon out her pictures I'd have to a very long time sorting her pictures out from the rest and I don't know how to endure that yet.

Today it's been hard just to not to reach to her and try to reconcile. I'm sure we'd end up recycling if she wanted to, I wouldn't have the strength to say no, at least today. Though I don't think she'd recycle even if I begged her to. I think she grew tired of me and she hasn't loved me in a long time.

As far as the surgery goes, I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel like there are other roads that may have been better, but they seem closed off to me. I'm time constrained for lack on funds. It'd be really easy for my father to assist me with good PT before getting to this point, but he refused despite being wealthy. I had to ask him for help to buy meds this month, it was the first time I asked him for any money in a very long time. My family keeps surprising me in a negative way, even though I knew how they were, they don't seem to care. I don't know how I'm going to go through surgery and pay my bills with the way things are going. Asked for help yesterday to get some money I have credit for in my bank but can't use it for groceries, only to pay bills and send to other people, so I asked my mother if I sent her that money if she could send it back to me so it would go to my account and I could use it for groceries, even that was refused. She angerly answer that I should work, but I haven't as much because I wasn't healthy to and am having surgery for this reason in 6 days now, it seems almost malicious to answer this since she knows even if I were working I wouldn't be able to receive any money in time. This is something odd, I'm not sure it's even possible in the US or EU, but there are different types of credit on my country, at least on my bank.

I feel like I should make arrangements in case things really go wrong. I'v been thinking about it for months or even years, maybe since when I first got sick in 2021. Though because of the surgery now I have somewhat a sense of urgency to do it before then. The most important to me is to leave my full story, even the things I left out from here, it's really important to me. There are some things I wish to say that I haven't seen anybody say, but I haven't said yet because despite not being anything illegal or imoral, there could be repercussions to me that I'm not willing to risk, but I'm also not willing to risk leaving this world without having them said out in the open.

[Rev]

Hey H,

Want you to know that I got this but I am out for a bit.  I will write back once I've sat with this.

I really appreciate the back and forth of the this conversation.

Rev

[Rev]

Hello H,

Thanks again for sharing this. 

There are many threads to this last piece you have written - namely:

1) Your health and the high risk surgery you are getting ready for.
2) Your estranged relationship with your family.
3) Your values regarding having a romantic partner - important for you to have that in your life. It appears to be something that grounds you. I am the same way.
4) Your physical needs where sex is concerned - and I take that at face value. Everyone is different where that is concerned - just like dietary needs.
5) Your life plan in general.
6) Maintaining a social circle of friends in a way that is reciprocal.
7) Have I missed anything ?

You mention that you need to find a way to break the cycle of being totally dependent without being able to give back in some way.  "I just honestly wish I was contributing more. This seems very unidimensional, you all help me, I don't help anyone back. I need to find a way to get out of the hole so this dynamic doesn't happen more" is the way you put it.

It has been my experience that when people are dealing with a matrix of threads in their story, breaking a cycle means focusing on one or two parts of the story before worrying about the rest - it's a matter of trusting that one thing leads to the next.

I'm not sure that I am suggesting anything specific here. Rather, it's my intuitive reflection.  I wonder what this is evoking in you?

What do you think?

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

It has been my experience that when people are dealing with a matrix of threads in their story, breaking a cycle means focusing on one or two parts of the story before worrying about the rest - it's a matter of trusting that one thing leads to the next.

I'm not sure that I am suggesting anything specific here. Rather, it's my intuitive reflection.  I wonder what this is evoking in you?

What do you think?

Rev

I think it's a good point. It's a bit too much to work with at the same time. Specially since a lot of topics there branch too much.

The most worrisome for my is my surgery and my ex atm and that connects to my life plans. I really miss having friends but that's not something feasible right now. It's like trying to seed unfertile ground when you're about to move fields. So that's not really weighing as much in my mind in the matter of being able to make friends, but weighing that it's not pleasant to not have friends right now. I don't think I'm a unlikable person or unable to make friends, but I have nothing to offer atm and if I plan on moving there's no harvest to reap.

I just think sometimes you let things pile on and it gets to a point where the past is too heavy to drag while you work on present and future, so you either work on the past, then the present that you can't work on, because the past has gripped you, becomes the future past that you continuously work on and are never able to catch up to working towards the future. Not sure if it's too confusing. I feel like that's somewhat where I am and it's terrifying enough to freeze me, like a prey gazing a predator.

It's not that I don't have sympathy for myself, there's a reason for it. This health issue changed my life and I did my best to try to fix it, but after 2 years and over 40 doctors, the longer time passed, the more I dissociated and anchored myself in depression. So looking back. Knowing what I know now. I could have solved my problem if I hadn't given up internally. I never felt like I was giving up, because it was little by little. But now I know I did. If I had researched like I'm right now, at the time. I might have been able to avoid this surgery and I still worry that maybe I just want to get it over with, after 2 years and losing everything I had o value because of it, when maybe I can still avoid this surgery if I did proper PT.

So if I'm going to simplify the biggest problems I need to solve now.

Surgery:
1- Is it avoidable?
2- Should I postpone and make sure I have the right surgeon/surgery?
3- Are the limiting factors for the 2 first decisions solely, or mainly, based on urgency and financial concerns?

Ex:
1- Do I just accept it's over, because it's the best thing to do?
2- Is it something that could have worked if I had done better and not let things drag the way I did?

To be honest, even writing about my ex and asking those questions, it seems I just don't want to accept it's over. I don't know. I'm sure she was more unwilling to sacrifice than I was, but I also know I could have done better than I did. I knew the end was coming. I let her turn her back on me for months until she finally discarded me. I definitely should have been firmer in having a serious talk way before it got to where it did. It's not that I didn't try. But I did let it get to where it should never have gotten.

I think I got a clearer picture today and maybe I can map a way forward. I thank you for that. I just wish I had more time. Only 5 days left now. I could postpone the surgery. I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. After 2 years looking for a solution, I'm very hesitant to allow more time to pass and risk nothing changing.

What's your opinion on this? As someone looking from outside, do you think it would be more prudent to postpone? It's still my decision and I take full responsibility on whatever happens. I just want someone else's opinion.

[SinisterComplex]

I think it's a good point. It's a bit too much to work with at the same time. Specially since a lot of topics there branch too much.

The most worrisome for my is my surgery and my ex atm and that connects to my life plans. I really miss having friends but that's not something feasible right now. It's like trying to seed unfertile ground when you're about to move fields. So that's not really weighing as much in my mind in the matter of being able to make friends, but weighing that it's not pleasant to not have friends right now. I don't think I'm a unlikable person or unable to make friends, but I have nothing to offer atm and if I plan on moving there's no harvest to reap.

I just think sometimes you let things pile on and it gets to a point where the past is too heavy to drag while you work on present and future, so you either work on the past, then the present that you can't work on, because the past has gripped you, becomes the future past that you continuously work on and are never able to catch up to working towards the future. Not sure if it's too confusing. I feel like that's somewhat where I am and it's terrifying enough to freeze me, like a prey gazing a predator.

It's not that I don't have sympathy for myself, there's a reason for it. This health issue changed my life and I did my best to try to fix it, but after 2 years and over 40 doctors, the longer time passed, the more I dissociated and anchored myself in depression. So looking back. Knowing what I know now. I could have solved my problem if I hadn't given up internally. I never felt like I was giving up, because it was little by little. But now I know I did. If I had researched like I'm right now, at the time. I might have been able to avoid this surgery and I still worry that maybe I just want to get it over with, after 2 years and losing everything I had o value because of it, when maybe I can still avoid this surgery if I did proper PT.

So if I'm going to simplify the biggest problems I need to solve now.

Surgery:
1- Is it avoidable?
2- Should I postpone and make sure I have the right surgeon/surgery?
3- Are the limiting factors for the 2 first decisions solely, or mainly, based on urgency and financial concerns?

Ex:
1- Do I just accept it's over, because it's the best thing to do?
2- Is it something that could have worked if I had done better and not let things drag the way I did?

To be honest, even writing about my ex and asking those questions, it seems I just don't want to accept it's over. I don't know. I'm sure she was more unwilling to sacrifice than I was, but I also know I could have done better than I did. I knew the end was coming. I let her turn her back on me for months until she finally discarded me. I definitely should have been firmer in having a serious talk way before it got to where it did. It's not that I didn't try. But I did let it get to where it should never have gotten.

I think I got a clearer picture today and maybe I can map a way forward. I thank you for that. I just wish I had more time. Only 5 days left now. I could postpone the surgery. I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. After 2 years looking for a solution, I'm very hesitant to allow more time to pass and risk nothing changing.

What's your opinion on this? As someone looking from outside, do you think it would be more prudent to postpone? It's still my decision and I take full responsibility on whatever happens. I just want someone else's opinion.

So H why do you sell yourself so short? What do you mean you have nothing to offer to friends?

Just trying to understand your psychology and pathology here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

I think I got a clearer picture today and maybe I can map a way forward. I thank you for that. I just wish I had more time. Only 5 days left now. I could postpone the surgery. I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't. After 2 years looking for a solution, I'm very hesitant to allow more time to pass and risk nothing changing.

What's your opinion on this? As someone looking from outside, do you think it would be more prudent to postpone? It's still my decision and I take full responsibility on whatever happens. I just want someone else's opinion.

Hi H,

I'm going to sit with the rest of your post for a bit.  It appears to be less pressing.

Concerning the above - as someone from the outside, the only thing I can responsibly say is that when someone finds themselves with looking for the "best choice among all the worst options" - the only thing one can do is weigh the pros and cons of each option and then trust your gut.  I know that falls short of what you are hoping for, and it is the best I can do. 

One thing I will affirm is that you appear to be able to analyze things very clearly, and then lean towards the negative (perhaps with reason mind you).  So just be aware that in evaluating your own analysis, you might need to adjust your appreciation of your own wisdom towards the positive.

Hope that helps, even if only a little bit.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

So H why do you sell yourself so short? What do you mean you have nothing to offer to friends?

Just trying to understand your psychology and pathology here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Well, right now I don't have many positive things going on and I can't financially afford to go out, even for coffee. Like I said before, I don't want to make friends right now due to location. It's a fact that I don't have much to offer at this moment. If you already have friends, it's fine, you can be in a bad position and still be a good friend, be funny and pleasant. Making new friends is different.

I think I got plenty to offer, but I'm almost a homeless right now. I bet you've walked on a street and saw a homeless person, everybody has. Most people avoid their looks, either for caring too much or for being disgusted. If you care too much, it's so distant from your way or life and so hopeless that you avoid looking and pretend they aren't there. If you are disgusted, you probably believe they are drug addicts or just hate working and would rather be homeless. I'v met plenty of homeless people in multiple countries, avoided some, talked to others and also talked to "friends" at my current condition and I had the same impression as I just mentioned but I was the bum. They empathize at first, then just try to switch topics and want to get back to their lives and not thing about it anymore.

I'v even talked to some school "friends" that used be jealous of me when I was a kid, because my father was rich. I thought, now they are making 6 figures, they have everything and I have nothing, they will be less jealous and might be more open. I was wrong, now I don't even think why I thought what I did. When someone is jealous of you, they kinda admire you, it's like Cain and Abel. They hate you because you are their ideal. If you lose everything you are nothing, no jealousy but also no interest.

It's kinda like, "Hey Joe, how it goin?" "All good, went bowling this weekend with the fam. My boss is an a-h***, promised that promotion for several months now, still nothing. How about you?". What do you say? I'v been through this before and I can't forget about it, because it was either lie and say good and not know what else to say or tell the truth, that you are at the hospital all the time and that you take sleeping pills because you are hungry and it's cheaper than food. So these things really don't make me wanna get new friends right now.

..
One thing I will affirm is that you appear to be able to analyze things very clearly, and then lean towards the negative (perhaps with reason mind you).  So just be aware that in evaluating your own analysis, you might need to adjust your appreciation of your own wisdom towards the positive.

Hope that helps, even if only a little bit.

Rev

That's true, sometimes I don't realize it. I'm going to try to do that more.

[Rev]

I think I got plenty to offer, but I'm almost a homeless right now. I bet you've walked on a street and saw a homeless person, everybody has. Most people avoid their looks, either for caring too much or for being disgusted. If you care too much, it's so distant from your way or life and so hopeless that you avoid looking and pretend they aren't there. If you are disgusted, you probably believe they are drug addicts or just hate working and would rather be homeless. I'v met plenty of homeless people in multiple countries, avoided some, talked to others and also talked to "friends" at my current condition and I had the same impression as I just mentioned but I was the bum. They empathize at first, then just try to switch topics and want to get back to their lives and not thing about it anymore.

I'v even talked to some school "friends" that used be jealous of me when I was a kid, because my father was rich. I thought, now they are making 6 figures, they have everything and I have nothing, they will be less jealous and might be more open. I was wrong, now I don't even think why I thought what I did. When someone is jealous of you, they kinda admire you, it's like Cain and Abel. They hate you because you are their ideal. If you lose everything you are nothing, no jealousy but also no interest.

It's kinda like, "Hey Joe, how it goin?" "All good, went bowling this weekend with the fam. My boss is an a-h***, promised that promotion for several months now, still nothing. How about you?". What do you say? I'v been through this before and I can't forget about it, because it was either lie and say good and not know what else to say or tell the truth, that you are at the hospital all the time and that you take sleeping pills because you are hungry and it's cheaper than food. So these things really don't make me wanna get new friends right now.

Hi H -

This is a real thing - a real barrier to social integration - one that I think you are right to not neglect. I am really glad that you can share that struggle here.  I know that you are not looking for "friends" - so that's not where I am going with this response.

Are you wanting human interaction right now?  Or is it easier for you to live in solitude?  I'm really asking on a pragmatic level.  People around us can create a lot of noise. Even the most extroverted people need time away from other people.

At the risk of solving a problem that isn't there by answering a question you haven't asked yet, I have a thought I'd like to share with you.

I have known two people who are in your situation - like really on that edge of food and shelter security.  They were not terribly "social" people in the sense that they had lots of friends.  They were both greeters at their church and handed out the bulletins at the door, said hello to first time attenders. Their role ticked alot of boxes for them.

Didn't you say you were wondering about going to talk to your Rabbi?  Just a thought.

Rev

[Hlinthewiking]

Leaving home in a few min for surgery. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been hard. I hope I can come back and talk to you guys again. I appreciate all the help I'v gotten here over the last couple of months.

I wanted to send my ex a message. Still thinking about her a lot, but I don't think it will do any good or that she would even care.

[kells76]

Leaving home in a few min for surgery. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been hard. I hope I can come back and talk to you guys again. I appreciate all the help I'v gotten here over the last couple of months.

Best wishes for a boring surgery 

Would love to hear how it goes, whenever you're up for it.

[Rev]

Best wishes for a boring surgery 

Would love to hear how it goes, whenever you're up for it.

Ditto for me

[SinisterComplex]

Leaving home in a few min for surgery. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it's been hard. I hope I can come back and talk to you guys again. I appreciate all the help I'v gotten here over the last couple of months.

I wanted to send my ex a message. Still thinking about her a lot, but I don't think it will do any good or that she would even care.

Focus on YOU and getting well my friend. Check back in with us when you are up to it. We are pulling for you to come out better on the other side.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks everybody for the support. Can't really use the pc yet, so just came to say I'm alive and my arm is working, so biggest fears are over for now. Will be back in a few days with a proper update.

[Rev]

Thanks everybody for the support. Can't really use the pc yet, so just came to say I'm alive and my arm is working, so biggest fears are over for now. Will be back in a few days with a proper update.

  

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey guys. I think the surgery went well, I'm still a bit worried about my index finger, still a bit numb, but otherwise everything works. Stayed 2 days at the hospital and came back home. It's still a bit painful to sleep at night but the pain meds do their job with that.

I got back home and the first thing that happens is that I get a message from my ex asking how I'm. I asked if she had been told by anybody about my surgery, she said no. I don't like attention and I haven't posted about my surgery anywhere and only close family and a few friends knew, nobody with contact with her. Just found it that the timing was so odd, but it probably was a weird coincidence. Last time she had talked to me was for me to Uber her things to her. We talked for a short while, she asked how I was and how long was going to be my recovery. It seemed to me she wanted to get back, but because of my current state she probably lost interest.

Next day I initiated conversation, she didn't extend, just answered my replies, we exchanged 3 phrases each maybe and she never contacted me again. This is the first time I'm a bit furious at her, because I really believe she doesn't care at all about me. She must have stopped seeing someone or something happened and she wanted me, but when she found out I had done surgery and couldn't pamper her, she lost interest and didn't even bother to ask me how I was after the first day, which I wasn't well in.

I know I shouldn't get back with her, but I really feel lonely and miss her, so when she contacted me I thought it was probably going to recycle. I knew she was selfish, but this is crushing. Even though I'm mad at her and at myself, I still haven't turned off my wish to reconnect. I want to contact her to ask why she contacted me that day and what she was hoping for, but I know that's probably not going to be very fruitful.

First day out of the hospital was awful. I couldn't wait to get home because it wasn't great at the hospital and it was hard to get comfortable or sleep. I'd just pass out from the narcotics. Getting home though, I still couldn't find a comfortable position, it was hard to sleep and I was very worried about thrombosis (DVT) or some other issue. I couldn't feel half of my upper chest, my neck, shoulder and part of my hand, mostly my index finger. There's no way of knowing at first if it's permanent damage or just from messing with the nerves. Now I'm recovering the sensation on everything that was numb, just the index finger that is lagging a bit. Got a lot of pain now that I can feel my shoulder, there's a bit of edema that's preventing my scapula from moving very well when I move my arm and it hurts, but it's nothing that's unmanageable.

First few days after getting back where very frustrating, not getting as much help as I was hoping and it's frustrating because I was literally incapable of doing much. I couldn't even put a shirt on. Now I can do most things, just not the dishes yet, that's a pile already. I have no idea how the rest of the month is going to be like. I have probably around $10 in my account. I still need to operate the other side too. I hope I can find a solution soon, it feels so frustrating to be in this situation. I have been doing physical therapy by myself, I might be able to manage it.

[SinisterComplex]

My friend I am happy you are alive and I am happy the surgery overall went well. Now for a bit of tough love. She does not matter right now. YOU matter right now. Period, end of discussion. Focus on you and healing and getting right. Do not put anymore stress on yourself by having contact with her. You need to be solely focused on recovery and getting healthy. Any extra luxuries including thinking about her or contacting her need to be dropkicked to the wayside until you are healthy.

Get well my friend and keep us updated.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

Thanks for the update!  In the midst of the ups and downs and the challenges you have shared, there are flashes of things emerging.   SC is giving you some good advice here.  Think of it as protecting the first embers of a fire the a beginning to rekindle. Think of here as wind that will blow those embers out.

It is a psychological truth that one will have more trouble letting go of the past if one has trouble imagining a better future. And physical recovery is part of finding the physical energy to imagining that future. That too is there in what you write.

How wonderful that you continue to connect with us here.  People here are rooting for you.  Why? Because people here rooted for us when we first arrived. One day, you'll be rooting for the next "newbie" saying that they need to connect.

Hang in there my friend.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[drained1996]

Been a bit since you’ve updated.  Care to share how things have been the last few days?  You got folks here for you!

[Hlinthewiking]

Been a bit since you’ve updated.  Care to share how things have been the last few days?  You got folks here for you!

Thanks everybody.

The night after I posted I think I accidentally used my right arm's elbow to get my body higher in the bed. Since I use multiple pillows I tend to slide down sometimes. I did so sleeping, didn't realize it. Woke up feeling like I was dying. Felt my nerves contracting inside my ribcage and lost all feeling and movement of half my hand. Got up to go to the restroom, almost passed out, came back to bed before I could finish so I would pass out and fall down. Hell of a night. Not sure if it's just from dragging my body up or if it was something else. That was quite a scare. Didn't happen again. I'm feeling pretty good right now other than my index finger still being a bit numb.

I haven't come back here because I have no idea what to do and how to get out of this situation. I just shut down my brain for a while. Had a nightmare about my ex a couple days ago, that was a quite miserable day. Yesterday she posted a few pictures in clubs partying. Seems like she's going on a crazy spree. Seeing that ruined the whole day, but I still couldn't muster myself to stop following her or blocking her.

I was actively looking for other people and just talking until a week ago. Started to talk to another girl and she seemed like a good person and held the same goals and ideals, but she turns out to be pregnant by another guy who got her pregnant and ran. This is a big deal to anybody. Seems like a horrible place to start a relationship and I'm frankly tired of starting relationships in awful positions, but she seems like someone might really be a partner in life and I don't know whether I think it's good or bad, because it forces me into a very difficult situation. I already trust her more than I did my ex, which is quite a bit sad. We went out for coffee one day, I don't remember talking to someone for so many hours in I don't know how long. I'm taking it really easy and just talking for now, but I hate this situation and I'm going to have to make a decision eventually. I haven't been able to talk to other girls as I always feel committed in these situations.

I got some badish news this weekend, it might take up to December for me to start working on the hospital that is "hiring" me. Which means I desperately need to find some income very fast. I'v never been so broke, ever. I eat once or twice a day and it's been a miracle I'v been able to buy my meds before I ran out of money until now. I honestly kind of wish I had died when I was in the US when these health issues first started. I love that country more than life itself. It's torture to be there and then to come here like this. I dream I'm there almost everyday and it's making me not want to be awake most of the time. Sorry if it feels a bit negative, but it kinda feels like my life is over. I have a drop of hope still, but thats all is left since I finally got this surgery.

[drained1996]

Hoping a few days have found you with a little more upbeat feelings. People are here for you.

[Amethyste]

Thanks everybody.

The night after I posted I think I accidentally used my right arm's elbow to get my body higher in the bed. Since I use multiple pillows I tend to slide down sometimes. I did so sleeping, didn't realize it. Woke up feeling like I was dying. Felt my nerves contracting inside my ribcage and lost all feeling and movement of half my hand. Got up to go to the restroom, almost passed out, came back to bed before I could finish so I would pass out and fall down. Hell of a night. Not sure if it's just from dragging my body up or if it was something else. That was quite a scare. Didn't happen again. I'm feeling pretty good right now other than my index finger still being a bit numb.

I haven't come back here because I have no idea what to do and how to get out of this situation. I just shut down my brain for a while. Had a nightmare about my ex a couple days ago, that was a quite miserable day. Yesterday she posted a few pictures in clubs partying. Seems like she's going on a crazy spree. Seeing that ruined the whole day, but I still couldn't muster myself to stop following her or blocking her.

I was actively looking for other people and just talking until a week ago. Started to talk to another girl and she seemed like a good person and held the same goals and ideals, but she turns out to be pregnant by another guy who got her pregnant and ran. This is a big deal to anybody. Seems like a horrible place to start a relationship and I'm frankly tired of starting relationships in awful positions, but she seems like someone might really be a partner in life and I don't know whether I think it's good or bad, because it forces me into a very difficult situation. I already trust her more than I did my ex, which is quite a bit sad. We went out for coffee one day, I don't remember talking to someone for so many hours in I don't know how long. I'm taking it really easy and just talking for now, but I hate this situation and I'm going to have to make a decision eventually. I haven't been able to talk to other girls as I always feel committed in these situations.

I got some badish news this weekend, it might take up to December for me to start working on the hospital that is "hiring" me. Which means I desperately need to find some income very fast. I'v never been so broke, ever. I eat once or twice a day and it's been a miracle I'v been able to buy my meds before I ran out of money until now. I honestly kind of wish I had died when I was in the US when these health issues first started. I love that country more than life itself. It's torture to be there and then to come here like this. I dream I'm there almost everyday and it's making me not want to be awake most of the time. Sorry if it feels a bit negative, but it kinda feels like my life is over. I have a drop of hope still, but thats all is left since I finally got this surgery.

Update?