Parent of child DBpD. This post is about Identity Struggles if anyone can help..

[Mom2Two86]

I have a 17 YO Daughter who is diagnosed BPD. I have recently posted about my situation. This thread I was wondering if anyone had any input or experience with Identity Struggles and BPD. My daughter is very sure it is not related to her sexual orientation or gender identity. I realize this is big within bpd. This however is regarding her body image. We are a very open and accepting family. She knows we would be very supportive whatever may be. We have many open conversations about this. I believe this specific identity struggle is related to body image. She wants a different looking body and if she can’t have it then she will live her life in hiding forever she says. She refuses to get her license due to the photo needing to be taken she says it won’t be “her”face and fyi she covers her face. My daughter has worn a mask since Covid and it never came off. She hides behind the mask. She removes it at home but not around any other people. If we have friends over she sleeps in the mask and will pull it down to eat and cover her face back up quickly. She calls this being “physically disabled “ she says she is both physically and mentally disabled. I explain to her what being physically disabled means. She believes her body is physically disabling her from living her life.
I wondered if anyone can relate to this ?? Any and All replies appreciated!!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mom2Two86]

I would also like to add:
Her Freshman year of HS she was forced to take a yearbook photo by staff. They said they needed it for safety reasons. They assured her it wouldn’t be placed in the yearbook and then it was.. she blames me and the school but mostly me. She says this was one of the most traumatic experiences she has gone through and that it’s my fault for lying to her. This was 3 years ago and she is still crying and hating me for this. She believes the photo is NOT who she is. And she hates that her peers saw that.

[CC43]

Mom,

I don't know if this perspective will help, but here goes.  In my experience with my stepdaughter with BPD, I've observed some patterns of behavior.  Generally speaking, she really struggles to get past the past.  First off, she characterizes many events as traumatic (though you or I probably wouldn't experience the same situation as traumatic).  Second, she obsesses over these long-ago purported traumas.  And third, she blames her parents for causing the trauma.  I think this pattern comes down to the emotional dysregulation of BPD.  We all feel upset, or inferior, or frustrated, or let down, or alienated, or stressed, or embarrassed, etc., from time to time.  And no parent-child relationship is perfect at all times.  But you or I are able to recognize the emotions and self-regulate, and we probably have "compassionate" internal self-talk that's based on reality.  But with BPD, I think the emotions take over, and the logical, compassionate side of the brain fades to the background.

So regarding the high school picture, my own internal self-talk might be:  yeah, that's not a very flattering picture of me.  But most kids don't look so hot in school photos.  There's only one shot, one dorky pose.  And we're all going through that awkward adolescent phase.  Those braces were awful!  And look at those hairstyles!  But it's just a photo.  Even so, it's nice to look back at all my friends from school, what memories of the fun we had!  Wow, we've really grown up so fast. 

But to an emotionally dysregulated person who is embarrassed by the photo, the self-talk might become distorted:  That is the worst picture of me in the entire world.  I'm ugly.  I'm embarrassed to be seen this way.  If I don't get plastic surgery, I'll never look how I want. It's so unfair!  Why did my mom even give birth to me, knowing how ugly I'd be?  I can't believe she made me take the stupid picture!  She's controlling!  I want to do what I want, and I don't want to look like this!  The negative self-talk riles her up, and she gets even more obsessed about it.  She ruminates, covering the same ground over and over again, so much that her brain is caught in a rut.  (I wonder if the brain is like a muscle, and the more one exercises a specific thought pattern, the stronger the thought pattern becomes?)  And then it becomes an excuse:  it's my parents' fault.  For having me.  For making me take the picture.  For causing me trauma.  I'm angry.  I have no choice!  I'm the victim here!

And then the victim mentality sets in.  That is especially pernicious.  I'm abused.  I'm disabled.  I can't go to school.  I can't work.  I'll retreat to my room, avoid life and consume social media all day.

Then their world is not based on reality anymore.  They struggle with their identity.  Because if they aren't in school, socializing, growing up, studying or looking forward to the future, who are they?  They're bored, alienated, confused and angry.  They lash out, blame their parents, start to lose their friends, and they lose their social status too.  They feel terrible and terribly angry about that.  They dredge up past slights and fights to substantiate their skewed view of their shrinking world (there's not a lot of future to think about when self-imprisoned in the childhood bedroom).  They absolutely can't look forward, because they are stuck in the rut of looking at the past traumas.  They hate everyone, including themselves.  They have tantrums and timeouts (cutting people out of their lives).  They sometimes regress to a behavior of young children.  Even five-year-olds must go to school, eat meals with family, take daily baths and pick up their things.  My stepdaughter couldn't handle any of those responsibilities when she was at her worst.

Anyway, that's my take from the experience with my stepdaughter.  She had to lose all her friends and attempt suicide multiple times before she decided to take therapy seriously.  Now she's doing better.  She's not stuck in the bedroom anymore.  But I feel like she was stuck there for too long.  Around four lost, terrible years.

[Mom2Two86]

CC43:
Wow thank you for your response, it’s as if you were a fly on the wall of our home and in her brain!

[Mom2Two86]

Do you have any experience in the mental health field ? You are very informative and knowledgeable. I will save this response and re read it over and over again! Thank you again!

[CC43]

Mom,

I'm glad some perspective might shed some light on the thinking and behavioral patterns your daughter is experiencing.

Alas, I have no expertise in psychology or counseling.  I've just observed how a person diagnosed with BPD went through cycles of worsening, and then improving, behavior.  All of the behaviors are human ones, after all.  So I feel I can understand the pain, the rumination, the resentment and anger.  It's just that the depth and duration of the feelings seem out of proportion in a person with BPD, and the feelings are so intense that they interfere with normal life, from relationships to basic functioning.  When the intense emotions kick in, logical thinking becomes impaired.  I get that, because I've experienced moments of rage sometimes.  I know that when I feel enraged, I have to calm down before I lash out in anger or make an impulsive decision that I will come to regret.  I focus on getting some space, a good night's sleep, a healthy meal and maybe some fresh air.  And I know that the next morning, things won't seem so dire.  That's when I can think logically, re-assess the situation, and 9 times out of 10, I see things aren't that bad after all, and I can find a way to cope or make things better.  But I don't have BPD.  I imagine that someone with BPD just can't manage to calm down, and the rage takes over, making them lash out, usually at loved ones, because loved ones hurt us the most.

Some of my responses on this site are reflections of conversations I've had with my husband regarding the situation of living with a child with BPD.  You see, my husband feels divorced-dad guilt, and he's a fixer, more than an empathetic listener.  So when his daughter was suffering, he'd run to fix the situation, bailing her out of her difficulties and removing stressors.  He fits the description of a "snow-plow parent."  Though my husband had loving intentions, his actions might not have been the best way to handle his daughter, who was falling deeper and deeper into dysfunction.  He allowed her to wallow in her negative thinking and retreat from real life.  Most of all, he shielded her from the natural consequences of her behavior.  At times he felt she was disabled, beyond hope.  And he was walking on eggshells, afraid that if he didn't give her everything she wanted, she'd commit suicide.  So she started to control him, while picking up bad habits, and not learning to cope with real life and face the natural struggles of becoming an adult.  In fact, she gave up on everything, including herself.  Her outlook, mood and demeanor were persistently black.  And she embraced victimhood status--a poor little traumatized girl--blaming all her problems on her family.  This made my husband feel tremendous guilt.  The stress levels in the household were astronomical.  My husband was close to utter despair.

So I tried to re-frame the situation for my husband and explain why he wasn't to blame.  For example, she would lash out at him, calling him controlling. psychotic, abusive and disrespectful.  I explained how all of those accusations were projections of her own behavior, not his.  She was just upset because something else was going awry in her life--we just had to wait and see what that was.  As another example, she'd frequently cut her father off, refusing to answer calls or texts.  My husband felt distressed by that.  I explained to him how that was an avoidance tactic.  Something bad was going on in her life, and she didn't want to have to tell him about it.  Sure enough, the periods of avoidance would coincide with getting evicted, failing classes, dropping out of school or quitting a job, for example.  Once he didn't take her behaviors so personally, he got a better sense of what was really going on, and he started to see the signals (red flags) like I did.  And that led him to feel more urgency about getting her into therapy.  Instead of feeling blame, I think he felt more empowered.  If she was to continue to get financial support from her father, she had to get therapy!  Because her way wasn't working, not for her and not for the household either.

It was not easy discussing the situation with my husband.  He was initially not very receptive to my input.  Surely he thought I was being critical of his daughter and his parenting.  I had to be careful about how I explained things to him, waiting for the right moments.  I had to keep it short, because the topic was so stressful.  But I know he heard me, and eventually he came to see things the way I do, for the most part.  It just took a long time.  Because my husband likes cars, I used an automotive analogy.  His daughter was trying to drive on the highway to adulthood by only looking at the rearview mirror of past traumas.  If she didn't get help, she'd get in an accident.

She's in her mid-20s, and she's still young enough to turn her life around.  Yes, she will probably continue to struggle with learning how to deal with her intense emotions.  But I personally don't see that as a disability.  If she had the right attitude, her emotional sensitivity could be an asset.  She could be a great caretaker, or maybe a teacher or counselor.  She's already an accomplished artist.  We all have strengths and weaknesses, and part of growing up is figuring out how to make the best of what we've got, while learning to accept that we'll never be perfect.  But there's no excuse to quit life, to be uncivil with family, and evade "adulting."  I hope that therapy focuses on that:  learning to process emotions, sit with reality and eventually move forward. 

Today, my stepdaughter is starting to talk about the future.  I'm sure she's really anxious about it (I prefer the word EXCITED)!

[Mom2Two86]

Thank You for sharing your story. It helps to hear other perspectives. It gives me hope. I wish mental health wasn’t such a taboo subject. I almost think it may be more “acceptable “ to say you have a child with autism as opposed to “my child is mentally ill.” One is more “acceptable” than the other it feels. I wish there was respite care offered in my county. I’ve heard this exists, but not for parents of mentally Ill children/adolescents. I would think that more children would be able to stay living in their homes and not have to live in a residential treatment facility if these resources were available. I realize it’s nobody’s responsibility but my own to care for my child, which is why I’ve had to put my career on hold to support her 247. I will no longer be legally obligated to her when she turns 18. Something about that is scary but also comforting. I’m glad your step daughter is looking forward to the future! I don’t know how to make my daughter want to live her life. She has many opportunities and resources to do so. Thank you for responding!

[Sancho]

Hi Mum2two86
When you mentioned the word 'identity' my mind went to gender identity etc but dd is very clear it is not. Reading the information you have given my mind went to Body Dysmorphic Disorder because your dd has such an extreme reaction to being seen, photos taken etc.

This is a government site so it has reliable information.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/body-dysmorphic-disorder#complications

I wonder if the information here rings any bells in relation to your dd. Note also that it can exist with other disorders.

My thinking has been that this is about something different than social anxiety (in addition to BPD ) because there is such a strong reaction to dd's experience of her body and extreme discomfort at even the thought of someone seeing her.

See what you think . . .

[Mom2Two86]

Hi Mum2two86
When you mentioned the word 'identity' my mind went to gender identity etc but dd is very clear it is not. Reading the information you have given my mind went to Body Dysmorphic Disorder because your dd has such an extreme reaction to being seen, photos taken etc.

This is a government site so it has reliable information.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/body-dysmorphic-disorder#complications

I wonder if the information here rings any bells in relation to your dd. Note also that it can exist with other disorders.

My thinking has been that this is about something different than social anxiety (in addition to BPD ) because there is such a strong reaction to dd's experience of her body and extreme discomfort at even the thought of someone seeing her.

See what you think . . .

Yes, she definitely suffers from body dysmorphia