It's a ticking time bomb Cut the red wire? The green wire? Or let it explode?

[flourdust]

The next big conflict with my BPDw is on the horizon.

(Not counting all of the upcoming conflicts that I don't know about.)

Every year, we host a holiday party in our home. It's one of the highlights of the season for my family. Here's my problem: I don't want to hold the party this year. And I haven't told her that.

It's also a fair amount of work. I do most of the cooking -- which I don't mind -- but the house also has to be cleaned.

I'm not super-fastidious about cleaning, but I'm certainly more so than my BPDw. In the past, the household cleaning was usually about a 60/40 split -- with me doing the 60%. In the last few years, as she's become more depressed and BPD-symptomatic, the ratio kept dropping, to 70/30, then 90/10, then 100/0.

I've pretty much thrown in the towel now. I keep the kitchen pretty clean, and I do the bathrooms and change the bedding from time to time. Occasionally, I can cajole BPDw to help out with some of that, though it can also trigger a huge explosion.

But, if it was just a matter of me dusting, vacuuming, mopping, and tidying, I would just suck it up and get it done. The trouble is that she's become a complete slob. Counters, tables, and dressers are covered with all kinds of papers, cosmetics, receipts, and random trash. The floor on her side of the bedroom is a dumping ground for clothes (I can't tell which ones are clean or dirty), trash, papers, shoes, and more random stuff. Every surface in the bathroom is covered with assorted bottles, dead plants, more clothes, and stuff that I'm not sure has been used in years. The dining room table is piled with her papers, magazines, shopping bags, prescription meds, receipts, dirty napkins, and empty soda bottles.

I could go on. The point is that even if I was in the mood to clean up the whole house by myself, I can't even start unless I can actually GET to the house to clean it. Unless she agrees to put her stuff away. But it's grown into such a monster problem that she'll view it as impossible, so cue the dysregulation.

Normally, we'd host the holiday party in mid-December. We haven't talked about it at all -- I've been avoiding bringing up the topic. At some point, though, it will come up, and I'll have to find some non-blaming validating way to say "Unless you spend a lot of time picking up this sty, I'm not holding a party."

All suggestions are welcome!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

How about hosting the party at a restaurant and everyone pay a share? I know that sounds kind of mercenary. Or a big potluck held at some community facility that you can rent?

I really feel for you. The BPD slobbery can be really oppressive for a non who appreciates a clean and orderly house.   

[Cat Familiar]

Another thought--hire a cleaning company for a day. I know all my solutions seem to involve spending money, but it sounds as if you're totally worn out. Also knowing that someone else will see her mess might motivate her enough to at least clear out the clutter.

[waverider]

I get that slobbery issue as well, it does overwhelm them even if they want to tidy, the problem has got so huge they dont know where to stop and so cant start. It breeds a depression which makes it worse.

What i do now if i want a particular area cleaned I give her notice, then a day or two later i put everything in the area in a big box and put it outside/garage, without throwing anything out so I can't be blamed for anything misplaced. if she needs anything enough she can go get it. I dont sort it. It has eliminated conflict and to a degree she is grateful for the problem not being in her face.

Eventually when its forgotten about it all all gets dumped.

The point is to avoid arguing about what should be kept, what shouldn't, where to put it and whos fault it is for throwing something out, whether real or imaginary.

As an example of the mess. The bedroom is as you described, she tripped one night last year going to toilet in the night, and broke bones in her foot. In a wheel chair and cast for months,. Lack of doing what she is told care wise means its still not right almost 12 months later... and she is still climbing over the mountain of clothes. No change in behavior and no lesson learned.


No amount of boundaries is going to change this behavior... .You have to learn to minimize the effect on you.

[waverider]

Also knowing that someone else will see her mess might motivate her enough to at least clear out the clutter.

No, it will increase the stress level and guarantee a blow out. She is mentally incapable of surmounting extreme mess, it has gone past her ability to organize

[flourdust]

I have been thinking about getting some big storage tubs from Target and doing what waverider suggested -- dumping the stuff into the boxes and moving it out to the garage.

Others have suggested cleaning services, too. I've used them before, and the problem is that while they will definitely clean a place, they won't take responsibility for picking up piles of junk and figuring out where to put them. Since they can't get to the areas that need to be cleaned, that won't work.

I had an interesting conversation about this with my T yesterday. She suggested that my wife might qualify (through insurance) for a PCA (personal care assistant) who could come in weekly to help her learn to take care of her chores and clutter. That might not be a bad idea, and my wife might even be OK with it. I can make some calls to see if she qualifies.

[Cat Familiar]

I think the waverider's storage idea is a great one. I agree, now that I think about it, that the shame of having other's see their mess can be way too overwhelming.

Fortunately when we built our house, I was adamant that my husband build himself a separate detached studio (his man-cave). It's worked out really well since our standards of tidiness are quite different. We share the living room, kitchen and dining areas and have our own separate office spaces and bedrooms, to which we can invite the other. I don't have to listen to the constant blaring of the TV or his music and he doesn't have live up to my cleanliness standards.

What I do notice in his studio is the near constant state of being overwhelmed. He's not a complete slob, but there's a lot of chaos constantly surrounding him and he is always stressed about it. When people visit, he will get it together to clean it up somewhat so that it's more presentable. He has talked about having a cleaning service come and tidy, but, like you said, he'd have to put away the clutter first in order for them to clean.

I've quit sleeping in his studio because it's so dusty, I get allergies. Also our bedtimes are quite different. I go to bed early, while he stays up very late.

[Chilibean13]

Do you think you could approach her, without any accusations about not wanting to host the party because you are embarassed at the condition of the house. If she gets offended and says you are blaming her, then take an "It's both of us contributing to the mess" approach. Then ask her to help you get it ready to go.

Then again, if you don't want to host the party, maybe you can talk to a close relative and see if they will host it. Maybe you could even offer to do a lot of the cooking.

For everyone, I use a website called flylady. She has daily cleaning chores that are very short and will help keep a house at least ready for a quick clean up in the even of guests. I'm not consistent but when our house gets to the "I can't live in this mess anymore" stage I implement a 15 min. declutter or a 5 min hot spot clean.

The 15min  declutter is finding a home or trashing everything that doesn't have a home. It's surprising what can be done in 15 min. My H is open to it because 1. it becomes a small competition to see who can get the most clean 2. I'm doing the same thing as him so it feels like we are working together and spending time together. By the time we are done, we have 30 min total of housecleaning. If we can do this everyday for a week that's almost 3 1/2 hours of housework! If we run out of clutter we start doing things like cleaning out a cabinet or washing wiping down a wall.

The 5 min hot spot is when each of us works on the hot spot areas in the house where things accumulate on an almost daily basis. Again, my H is open to it because it's only 5 minutes!

www.flylady.net

[flourdust]

Do you think you could approach her, without any accusations about not wanting to host the party because you are embarassed at the condition of the house. If she gets offended and says you are blaming her, then take an "It's both of us contributing to the mess" approach. Then ask her to help you get it ready to go.

Can I approach her? Maybe. Currently, she's on a three-day anger binge at me, so it's not possible to have any conversation without it turning to why she's furious with me. Even if I wait until a peaceful moment and pounce, she generally either blows up when confronted with something that feels blaming or goes into a mode of shooting down all suggestions as impossible. So, I'm not optimistic about the resolution.

Then again, if you don't want to host the party, maybe you can talk to a close relative and see if they will host it. Maybe you could even offer to do a lot of the cooking.

Alas, we don't have any relatives in our state. It's just us.

For everyone, I use a website called flylady. She has daily cleaning chores that are very short and will help keep a house at least ready for a quick clean up in the even of guests. I'm not consistent but when our house gets to the "I can't live in this mess anymore" stage I implement a 15 min. declutter or a 5 min hot spot clean.

The 15min  declutter is finding a home or trashing everything that doesn't have a home. It's surprising what can be done in 15 min. My H is open to it because 1. it becomes a small competition to see who can get the most clean 2. I'm doing the same thing as him so it feels like we are working together and spending time together. By the time we are done, we have 30 min total of housecleaning. If we can do this everyday for a week that's almost 3 1/2 hours of housework! If we run out of clutter we start doing things like cleaning out a cabinet or washing wiping down a wall.

The 5 min hot spot is when each of us works on the hot spot areas in the house where things accumulate on an almost daily basis. Again, my H is open to it because it's only 5 minutes!

www.flylady.net

Thank you for this! I'll check it out. It might not be useful for my wife, but maybe I'll find some tools to help motivate me or keep my daughter engaged when I need her to clean up.