He wants a divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. It has been quite a while since I have been on the board.

I have been fighting my own health issues for about a month now, and that adds to the stress in my relationship.

A few days ago, my husband says he can't stand to be around me, I anger him whenever I talk, and we need some time apart.

He said he would only talk to me when he needed me to do something for him, and for me to otherwise stay out of his way.

So I did.

Now today, he goes ballistic, saying he wants a divorce because I won't fight for our marriage. I told him that's fine, I understand and he left for work.

Then, he called, again telling me that its my fault because I show him no affection. Or attention... .  but he says he wants me to leave him alone!

If he wants a divorce, why still tell me what I should be doing?

I feel like its another test, but he makes sure this time, he keeps saying "you think I'm joking?"

Don't know what to do... .  make him promises of everything he wants me to say and feed his ego or continue to leave him alone?

[vanillaswirl]

Hello. It has been quite a while since I have been on the board.

I have been fighting my own health issues for about a month now, and that adds to the stress in my relationship.

A few days ago, my husband says he can't stand to be around me, I anger him whenever I talk, and we need some time apart.

He said he would only talk to me when he needed me to do something for him, and for me to otherwise stay out of his way.

So I did.

Now today, he goes ballistic, saying he wants a divorce because I won't fight for our marriage. I told him that's fine, I understand and he left for work.

Then, he called, again telling me that its my fault because I show him no affection. Or attention... .  but he says he wants me to leave him alone!

If he wants a divorce, why still tell me what I should be doing?

I feel like its another test, but he makes sure this time, he keeps saying "you think I'm joking?"

Don't know what to do... .  make him promises of everything he wants me to say and feed his ego or continue to leave him alone?

[No Black Tie Man]

It is escalation. You are not doing what he wants you to do, so he is making threats. These threats escalate until he gets what he wants.

I vote for leave him alone.

[arabella]

What do you want, vanillaswirl? Do you want a divorce? Do you want therapy? Do you want to work on the r/s? A separation perhaps?

What you decide to do depends very much on what you want.

[vanillaswirl]

I want a happy marriage (if that's possible)

He blames everything on me and he doesn't care that I'm exhausted between my illness and dealing with him, because he thinks he's perfect.

He says I don't talk to him ( he's right) but its because of the way he talks at me.

He shows me no love or affection whatsoever, but expects me to show him love. He says I'm selfish and just make up excuses and I really don't want to be with him, but he's the one always saying how miserable I make him and how we need to separate

[No Black Tie Man]

I want a happy marriage (if that's possible)

He blames everything on me and he doesn't care that I'm exhausted between my illness and dealing with him, because he thinks he's perfect.

He says I don't talk to him ( he's right) but its because of the way he talks at me.

He shows me no love or affection whatsoever, but expects me to show him love. He says I'm selfish and just make up excuses and I really don't want to be with him, but he's the one always saying how miserable I make him and how we need to separate

I wonder sometimes (still) if it is really BPD that my wife has. Then I read a post like this, which could have been written by me speaking about my wife, and realize all over again that I am married to a disorder, not a person.

I too wanted a happy marriage. I am going through the process now of realizing that my sanity and happiness are more important than my hope for normalcy.

[arabella]

I want a happy marriage (if that's possible)

He blames everything on me and he doesn't care that I'm exhausted between my illness and dealing with him, because he thinks he's perfect.

He says I don't talk to him ( he's right) but its because of the way he talks at me.

He shows me no love or affection whatsoever, but expects me to show him love. He says I'm selfish and just make up excuses and I really don't want to be with him, but he's the one always saying how miserable I make him and how we need to separate

I hear you! And I get all of this. A lot of what you've written is focused on him and what he does. You can't unilaterally do anything about that. You can only change you.

You want a happy marriage (of course!) - what is it going to take to get there? What can you do to steer yourself in the right direction?