What the f... should I do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. My second post (since not a native speaker bad grammar will commence).

I write because I feel like I´m drowning and I don´t know if it´s the right solutions I´m trying.

My ex is moving (diagnosed with BPD) 150 miles away in one week with our 2 daughters (4 and 8 years old).

We have joint custody. I was never married to her.

Everything has been taken care off except from my signature on a paper allowing her to do that. It will be necessary for them to start in school and kindergarten. The oldest has been diagnosed with infantile autism (high functioning) and needs structure. I haven´t done anything to stop this except for telling her that I don´t think it is the best solution for the kids. I think it is likely that after a battle that will hurt my kids, she will get it her way anyway.  I just don´t want to sign that document.  Maybe it can come back to bite me later if I move closer and want more contact with my kids.  Right now the deal is that I will have them every second weekend and in longer in the holidays (since it was recommended to me I was quite specific when I wrote the document).

I also got her to sign a document saying that if I a will be able to move closer then the deal should change to 9-5.  Was that a mistake? Should I sign the document?

I work a lot as an engineer and earning a decent wage (approx. 85000 dollars annually).  I´m a codependent guy and have difficulties setting boundaries for my kids and my ex. I´m trying set boundaries with the kids but I fail most of the times. The only boundary I have set with my ex is that she must give me the keys to our joint house when she moves out. When I have the kids there must be peace. We have a large debt on our house which I will have to pay since she really doesn´t earn a lot from her disability pension.

She is a in some ways a well-functioning BPD mother. She does give the kids structure and they depend more on her than on me. Our kids are very sweet and well behaved to a large degree because of her parenting. She has been in therapy several times over the years but never for her BPD problems. She is most of the time nice to them.

The older they get the more she yells of them in a manner which sometimes is frightening even to me.  They aren’t allowed to really make noise as kids do. She is not supportive in them developing new friendships. She don´t like if they have opinions different from hers. Most of the times she puts them up on a pedestal but then I can hear her devaluating them. She is really recycling emotional wise right now.

She drinks more than good is but she is not an alcoholic. She is in a new relationship with a guy diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder. He will not be moving in with her and the kids (mostly because he doesn´t want to).

How do I help my kids becoming well-adjusted adult in time?  How do I help them to not have disorganized attachment problems later? What do I do?

What I´m doing right now is trying to keep the friendships they have here, working with my own issues and thinking about getting rid of the debt as fast as possible before moving closer to them.

[Codepguy79]

Hi. My second post (since not a native speaker bad grammar will commence).

I write because I feel like I´m drowning and I don´t know if it´s the right solutions I´m trying.

My ex is moving (diagnosed with BPD) 150 miles away in one week with our 2 daughters (4 and 8 years old).

We have joint custody. I was never married to her.

Everything has been taken care off except from my signature on a paper allowing her to do that. It will be necessary for them to start in school and kindergarten. The oldest has been diagnosed with infantile autism (high functioning) and needs structure. I haven´t done anything to stop this except for telling her that I don´t think it is the best solution for the kids. I think it is likely that after a battle that will hurt my kids, she will get it her way anyway.  I just don´t want to sign that document.  Maybe it can come back to bite me later if I move closer and want more contact with my kids.  Right now the deal is that I will have them every second weekend and in longer in the holidays (since it was recommended to me I was quite specific when I wrote the document).

I also got her to sign a document saying that if I a will be able to move closer then the deal should change to 9-5.  Was that a mistake? Should I sign the document?

I work a lot as an engineer and earning a decent wage (approx. 85000 dollars annually).  I´m a codependent guy and have difficulties setting boundaries for my kids and my ex. I´m trying set boundaries with the kids but I fail most of the times. The only boundary I have set with my ex is that she must give me the keys to our joint house when she moves out. When I have the kids there must be peace. We have a large debt on our house which I will have to pay since she really doesn´t earn a lot from her disability pension.

She is a in some ways a well-functioning BPD mother. She does give the kids structure and they depend more on her than on me. Our kids are very sweet and well behaved to a large degree because of her parenting. She has been in therapy several times over the years but never for her BPD problems. She is most of the time nice to them.

The older they get the more she yells of them in a manner which sometimes is frightening even to me.  They aren’t allowed to really make noise as kids do. She is not supportive in them developing new friendships. She don´t like if they have opinions different from hers. Most of the times she puts them up on a pedestal but then I can hear her devaluating them. She is really recycling emotional wise right now.

She drinks more than good is but she is not an alcoholic. She is in a new relationship with a guy diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder. He will not be moving in with her and the kids (mostly because he doesn´t want to).

How do I help my kids becoming well-adjusted adult in time?  How do I help them to not have disorganized attachment problems later? What do I do?

What I´m doing right now is trying to keep the friendships they have here, working with my own issues and thinking about getting rid of the debt as fast as possible before moving closer to them.

[marbleloser]

Let's start at the beginning,because you need to take specific steps regarding the kids.

1.Are you listed as their father on their birth certificates?

2.How often have you had the kids with you?(This is called "status quo" and is important in the courts eyes)

3.How long have the children lived in this area?

4.Has there ever been any document filed that states the children aren't to be moved a certain distance from this area?

5.Do you have an atty?

6.What do you want in regards to the kids?

The kids are getting older and have their own opinions and sense of "self".This seems to be a loss to those wBPD,because they find that they no longer control the children with absolute authority.That's why they rage at them,keep them close(my X even still slept with them at 8 and 9 yrs old),demean them,etc.,,

[Codepguy79]

Thank you for your answer.

1) Yes and I´m definitely their father.

2) We have been living together a year now in the same house not being together (as I said I have difficulties setting boundaries). So I have seen the children all the time.

3) 6 year for the oldest and all her life for the youngest.

4) Nope. Sadly no, but since we have joint custody the social department of the county will be one making a decision if I don´t sign this.

5) I had to look that up. No I don´t have an attorney. Pretty much can´t afford one and neither can she.

6) The best for them. Not necessarily the best for me. I want to be there for them and teach them what I have learned about life. I want them happy and well-adjusted. I want them to know their own self and not having it distorted.

Sorry about your ex. It´s a bad thing for anyone to strangle their children’s development. When I thing about it, it´s a bit like they take the children hostage.

Thinking about getting some more counseling on the matter... .  

[marbleloser]

You make 85,000 per year.You CAN afford an atty. Does she work?

You know that if she moves 150 miles away that it will be up to you to make that 300 mile round trip to see the kids right? If you want to have a life with your kids,you're going to have to fight for it.

That means legal representation.That means going to court to assert your rights as their parent.

On the plus side,the kids have established roots in the area.You need to assert that it will be in their best interest to stay and that she's disrupting their lives by moving them from you,their friends,and their school.

Now,can you cook,do the laundry,help them with homework,etc.,,?

The first thing I noticed is that you said you work all the time.That will be used against you to say you're not involved in their lives and have only been a financial support to them.Can you cut your hours at work to spend time with the kids?Can you take them and pick them up from school?

Find an attorney that is reasonable.You should be able to find one that accepts a $2500 retainer and $150 per hour.That's the norm.I make a little less than 85K and mine is a 5000 retainer and $335 per hour.It can be done.

Don't let her and social services bully you.Except that everyone will be against you having the children or at least sharing equal time with them.

Is there any reason you shouldn't be allowed equal time with them? Any reason she shouldn't be allowed equal time?

[marbleloser]

I forgot the part in your post where you said she's diagnosed "BPD".Can you get that information?Are you on the HIPAA forms that allow you to do that?

"We have a large debt on our house which I will have to pay "

Um,no.Did she live in this home also?Would she be entitled (and probably asking for) half of the equity if it weren't upside down? Do you meet the criteria for common law marriage?

The reason I ask is,in marriage,debt and assets are equally divided upon dissolution of the marriage.Is her name on the mortgage as well?If so,she's equally indebted as you are.

[Codepguy79]

Lets see.

No she does not work.

I know about the 300 mile round trip. If necessary I will do that. Going to court? How will it help me? She is moving. No way will our time be split equal. Not as long we live so far from each other. And I think I f... .  myself pretty royally.  See a quote from my first post.

"Right now the deal is that I will have them every second weekend and in longer in the holidays (since it was recommended to me I was quite specific when I wrote the document).

I also got her to sign a document saying that if I will be able to move closer than the deal should change to 9-5.  Was that a mistake?"

Is there any reason you shouldn't be allowed equal time with them? None.

Any reason she shouldn't be allowed equal time? None evidence vise. She can seem very skilled when she wants to.

I have seen but I can´t get the information about her diagnose.

About the debt you are absolutely right. Her name is on the mortgage also and even though I probably will end up paying more than her, she is equally indebted as I and she should feel that.

[Matt]

Good discussion and good ideas from Marble.

Here are my thoughts, for whatever they're worth... .  

* Your English is great!  Way better than my whatever-your-first-language-is.

* I think Marble made a very important point - you make enough money to have an attorney, at least to ask some questions about how the process works where you live.  If you live somewhere with an English legal tradition, like the US, Canada, Australia, etc., then most of what we say here is probably about right, since most of us are in the US, Canada and UK.  But if you live in a country with different legal traditions, it will be very important to find out how things work there - don't make any assumptions!  (US TV shows aren't even accurate about how things work here!)

* If your ex has BPD or another psych disorder, then the kids will benefit from being around you as much as possible and around her as little as possible.  Letting her take them far away can't be the right thing to do.  And signing an agreement - not even standing up for what you believe is right - will betray the kids' trust in you.  Even if you fight and lose - and don't assume you will lose! - that's better than not even trying.  Later, the kids will look back, and they will see whether you did what you could or not, and that will be very important to them.

* Talk to as many attorneys as you can.  Some don't charge for the first visit.  Ask a lot of questions.  Find one who accepts your idea about what will be best for the kids and commits to help you achieve it if possible.

* Do not defeat yourself!  You may be told, "Moms always win." - many of us have been told that.  Sometimes it might even be true.  But other times, when the dad does what's right, things work out better.

[marbleloser]

You go to court if you want to see the kids more than EOW and be a twice a month dad.Until those papers are filed in court,they're meaningless.

You CAN stop her from moving your kids.Their both of yours.You just need to be assertive and acknowledge that.What you're getting,as far as visitation,is as much as someone who just stepped out of prison would get.You said there's no reason you shouldn't have them equal time,what about full time,as primary parent.The one with a stable job,income,home that the kids grew up in,in the school zone they've lived in for years?

You need to stop with the "She's their mom" mentality and think with "I'm their dad" mentality.

Hold her accountable for her part of the debt as well.She lived there also.

[marbleloser]

Matts right.I assume you're in the US,but if not ,the laws in your country may be different,so check with an attorney in your area.

[ForeverDad]

If she is already raging at the children, that's not good.  It will only get worse.  Also, her limiting their association with others is typical.  Isolation often happens since other families are never good enough, safe enough or nice enough.

Beware of thinking she is a good mother or even an okay mother.  If she is raging at the kids, that's not good.  It will definitely have an effect on them.  (Perhaps it has affected them already.  Could her behaviors be part of the reason your older child has autism issues?)  In my own case, my ex had majority time during our divorce and equal time since then.  Every single teacher, from kindergarten to 5th grade, has told me that our son is smart but has difficulty concentrating in class and is always the last to finish.  No one can convince me that my ex's overwhelming behaviors haven't been reflected in his life.

If she does move away and take the children, then even if you manage to keep Shared Parenting, you will become the non-primary parent and she will be the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  More and more it will be hard to be a part of the decision-making process of joint custody.

If she does move and lives 150 miles away and you do all the driving, then (unless you have a place to live near her new area) that means you will have to drive 3 hours to get the kids, 3 hours to go back home, then at the end of the weekend you drive them 3 hours back and 3 hours to return home.  It would be very, very hard for you to do all that.  A few times, sure.  But twice a month for the next 14 years?  That is so hard to do for years and years.

What that means is that she would have to share some of the obligations for driving.  Some people meet halfway between homes.  Others have each parent pick up the child when their parenting time begins.  Distance is a big enemy.  If you can't stop her from moving away, then try for as much time as you can... .  alternate weekends, the long school breaks (winter break, spring break) and as much of the summer as you can get.  And be prepared for her to refuse to cooperate giving you extra time such as in the summers.

Do not sign any more papers until you get some consultations with family law attorneys.  Be aware that many will tell you to just 'settle' for getting alternate weekends.  Some of that is speaking from "accept whatever little you can get".  But you are their father and if you are even halfway reasonably normal and not messed up like their mother, then your children need you to fight for them.  We can't tell you what to do, that's your decision, but your kids desperately need you to be involved as much as possible in their lives in the years to come.  Never, never doubt that!

[Matt]

Some resources which may help:

* Most of us have read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" - a practical description of BPD and ideas for dealing with someone who has it.  (One of the authors, Randi Kreger, founded this community.)

* "Splitting" by William A. Eddy is about the divorce process, and how it's different when the other party has BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

* Eddy also has a web site, www.highconflictinstitute.com, with good articles about the legal stuff.

* "Understanding The Borderline Mother" talks in great depth about the stuff FD was referring to - raging, etc. - the behaviors common to moms with BPD, and how they affect the kids.  It's very disturbing but probably stuff you should know.  Also great footnotes to get more detailed information from scholarly sources.

[Codepguy79]

Thanks for all your answers.

This will be a f... .  mess because I´m very, very, very late to the game (extremely late). The school and the kindergarten has both been given notice and I did only protest quietly to my ex. Later this week my kids is supposed to have their final day. I´m then supposed to on Saturday to travel with my kids to their new "home". They can´t start in school and kindergarten if I don´t sign that document. My oldest need structure.

I live in Denmark by the way.

The idea she should share some of the obligations for driving is a good one. I will hold her responsible for her part of the debt. The debt on the house is cosigned, so if she doesn´t pay they will try to get all the money from me. I´m starting to see that I have a lot of fighting to do.

[momtara]

Seems like you already are resigned to her moving, which is ok... .  let's get past that.  If it's all planned, that's fine.  But you are hesitating on the document.  It is not too late to set some boundaries of your own now.

Talk to a lawyer, or a few of them, who give free consultations.  Go into their office and talk.  Maybe your wife should get less money so that you can travel 2 hours to see the kids.  Maybe you should move closer to them.  Maybe you can get longer or more visits because you can bring them to your house and it's a far trip back to her house - maybe you can get them on most holidays and they can come stay with you.

Get some leverage.

[Matt]

Seems like you already are resigned to her moving, which is ok... .  let's get past that.  If it's all planned, that's fine. 

I don't agree.

The question is, what will be best for the kids.

If the move away from their father is best for them, OK.

If moving away from their father, to live only with their mother, who may have BPD or another psychological disorder, is not the best thing for them, then it doesn't matter who is "resigned" or what is "all planned".  If it's not best for them, the thing to do is to stand up and say, "I don't think this is best for the kids, so I won't sign it.  Let's figure out what will work best for them."

[Codepguy79]

Thanks for you all good push in the back (that how we say it in Danish).

I decided to go for a compromise but a considerable better deal than I had already.

After a long nasty fight, I will spare you the details, I got her to sit down and sign a better deal.

I have them most of the days in every holiday. If I or the children gets sick, I will get a extra weekend. If I move closer at one time I will automatically get them half of the time (she signed that). If she decides to move again I will get the kids 12 days and her 2 days.

I can live with this and so can my children. I think it´s okay.

[ForeverDad]

In my country, it's not worth the paper it's written on if it's not included in the court documents or orders.  Even then she can always contest an agreement (and so could you) claiming it was forged or no longer fit the circumstances, etc and then who knows which way a judge would rule.

It's not perfect, we never get that level of outcome, but it's certainly better.

So probably you should make sure it gets included in the court papers somehow.  It's not a guarantee for the future, but it's doing your reasonable best to anticipate ways she might try to undo it some year in the future.

[momtara]

That sounds pretty good.  Good job!