Ignoring me without closure. What to do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

So my on/off again bf of two years is ignoring me now. Things have been rocky between us ever since he moved to my city 9 months ago. In retrospect, I don't even think he moved her for me as much as he did to try to get with some other girls in my city. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I think it's true. There have always been other girls, btw. I used to call him out on them, but I eventually stopped. Anyway, I was still trying to make it work, but he kept pushing me away, but then would act jealous if he thought I was talking to others. He also had moments where he wanted to be close to me but those were getting fewer and far between.

Anyway, he pushed me away HARD in January after I sent him a long email with some demands, and I think he wanted me to fix it quickly (which he usually assumes I will do). I took a long time, though, and we did eventually end up meeting two months later. A cordial meeting, but nothing too intense. I think he thought it would be a reconciliation, but it wasn't. A week after that was his bday and I offered to take him out. He agreed. But on the day of his birthday, he freaked out and flaked out on me. I felt very disrespected.

I didn't say anything to him for a week. He popped onto Skype looking for me. I came on, but he didn't make any moves (I guess he expected me to).  He did this 3 times and each time when I came on, he didn't make any moves. So I left it. I sent him an email a week later telling him I felt disrespected by how he flaked out on me on his bday with no explanation and no communication afterwards either. I didn't demand a reply, and he didn't reply. I sent him another email a week later asking if he wanted to grab coffee to catch up. He replied simply that he was overseas (on business), so I said "Ok maybe when you get back". No word. Then a week after that I sent him a flier for an event that had to do with his field. Just an FYI if he wanted to go (I said I would not be attending). No reply. No thank you or anything.

So that was two weeks ago. The bday blowoff happened six weeks ago and the only communication he's done since was the signing onto Skype a week later (which doesn't really count) and then replying that he is overseas. I have heard nothing from him since. He isn't on FB anymore and even before he deactivated his acct, we weren't FB friends. We are LinkedIn friends, though, and I see his activity on there. He is adding lots of girls. I'm not surprised by that (he was always a player), but it's annoying to see.

I'm wondering what I should do. Do I just leave him alone and not make any moves until he contacts me? Do I give myself a timeline, after which I delete him from my LinkedIn? (If we are done, I don't want any connection with him). Do I reach out to him again? If so, when? And if he does eventually come back around, how do I react after he has ignored me so callously for all this time?

[AllyCat7]

Hi All,

So my on/off again bf of two years is ignoring me now. Things have been rocky between us ever since he moved to my city 9 months ago. In retrospect, I don't even think he moved her for me as much as he did to try to get with some other girls in my city. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I think it's true. There have always been other girls, btw. I used to call him out on them, but I eventually stopped. Anyway, I was still trying to make it work, but he kept pushing me away, but then would act jealous if he thought I was talking to others. He also had moments where he wanted to be close to me but those were getting fewer and far between.

Anyway, he pushed me away HARD in January after I sent him a long email with some demands, and I think he wanted me to fix it quickly (which he usually assumes I will do). I took a long time, though, and we did eventually end up meeting two months later. A cordial meeting, but nothing too intense. I think he thought it would be a reconciliation, but it wasn't. A week after that was his bday and I offered to take him out. He agreed. But on the day of his birthday, he freaked out and flaked out on me. I felt very disrespected.

I didn't say anything to him for a week. He popped onto Skype looking for me. I came on, but he didn't make any moves (I guess he expected me to).  He did this 3 times and each time when I came on, he didn't make any moves. So I left it. I sent him an email a week later telling him I felt disrespected by how he flaked out on me on his bday with no explanation and no communication afterwards either. I didn't demand a reply, and he didn't reply. I sent him another email a week later asking if he wanted to grab coffee to catch up. He replied simply that he was overseas (on business), so I said "Ok maybe when you get back". No word. Then a week after that I sent him a flier for an event that had to do with his field. Just an FYI if he wanted to go (I said I would not be attending). No reply. No thank you or anything.

So that was two weeks ago. The bday blowoff happened six weeks ago and the only communication he's done since was the signing onto Skype a week later (which doesn't really count) and then replying that he is overseas. I have heard nothing from him since. He isn't on FB anymore and even before he deactivated his acct, we weren't FB friends. We are LinkedIn friends, though, and I see his activity on there. He is adding lots of girls. I'm not surprised by that (he was always a player), but it's annoying to see.

I'm wondering what I should do. Do I just leave him alone and not make any moves until he contacts me? Do I give myself a timeline, after which I delete him from my LinkedIn? (If we are done, I don't want any connection with him). Do I reach out to him again? If so, when? And if he does eventually come back around, how do I react after he has ignored me so callously for all this time?

[Louise7777]

Hey Allycat!

I didnt get it: is he BPD? I didnt find any mention on it (maybe I skipped it).

Take care!

[AllyCat7]

Hey Allycat!

I didnt get it: is he BPD? I didnt find any mention on it (maybe I skipped it).

Take care!

Oh yes. He is BPD internalizer/waif type. He's not diagnosed, but he has all the symptoms. And it's crazy-making. It was heaven on earth for the first 9 months, though... .  until he felt he had me. I guess that's typical.

Btw, I saw in one of your threads that you are struggling with silent treatment, too. I'm so sorry. It sucks.

[Louise7777]

Hey AllyCat!

Yeah, silent treatment sucks! But its our fault to keep enduring it. Once its installed you have to create boundaries and last case scenario, cut relationship for good. But its annoying!

You asked what you should do. Well, we can say many things, but you are the only one who can choose and face the consequences. Id say you have to make him know of your feelings first (I think u already did that). Then set boundaries for ur own protection. And last, but not least, decide what you want. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you think he will improve once you set boundaries? Because the boundaries are supposed to protect you, not to make a r/s work... .  

Take care!

[hithere]

I'm wondering what I should do. Do I just leave him alone and not make any moves until he contacts me?

Since he seems to not want a relationship with you (at least an exclusive one) then why do you want him to come back?  Don't you think life would be better if you moved on to a more mutually loving relationship?

[AllyCat7]

I'm wondering what I should do. Do I just leave him alone and not make any moves until he contacts me?

Since he seems to not want a relationship with you (at least an exclusive one) then why do you want him to come back?  Don't you think life would be better if you moved on to a more mutually loving relationship?

Yes, you're right. But it's a bit more complicated in my case because I'm from a conservative culture where people date on the down low, and if two people aren't sleeping together (which happens often, and was the case in my relationship), it's hard to make a relationship exclusive. There is a bit of a "free for all" feel to getting to know people. And people just get to know several people at the same time until they decide they want to marry one of them. It's frustrating because it seems to work more in favor for the guys. I feel like guys can compartmentalize their emotions better than women. Women tend to fall for one guy at a time, like me. So I was all his, but I knew he had other girls in the background. I used to call him out on it, but he would just freeze and try to flee. So I stopped doing that. I started to just focus on us and our interactions, how much he was giving me, etc. And just wanted to keep getting to know him until we decided to make a decision one way or another. But since he moved to my city, he has been so erratic and always running away from me... .  unless he needed me for something.

Anyway, it's complicated. And I'm not sure I can handle what we had before. But if he were to come back in the future and we could get close again and I could talk to him about this stuff, maybe it could help. I'm not banking on that, though. In the meantime, I'm working on detaching from him emotionally. It's just been a bit tricky because of the LinkedIn connection. I blocked his updates on there today, though, so I hope that helps. This sitting duck game sucks, though. I want to walk away, but it's hard without closure or being formally dumped. Guess I'll just have to decide when I'm ready to pull the plug on my end and cut all ties at that time.

I just wanted to see if anyone else went through this or had any thoughts.

Thanks for your feedback, though!

[AllyCat7]

Hey AllyCat!

Yeah, silent treatment sucks! But its our fault to keep enduring it. Once its installed you have to create boundaries and last case scenario, cut relationship for good. But its annoying!

You asked what you should do. Well, we can say many things, but you are the only one who can choose and face the consequences. Id say you have to make him know of your feelings first (I think u already did that). Then set boundaries for ur own protection. And last, but not least, decide what you want. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you think he will improve once you set boundaries? Because the boundaries are supposed to protect you, not to make a r/s work... .  

Take care!

Thanks for your reply! I did set some boundaries and that's when he started flaking out majorly... .  when he realized he can't just use me for what/when he needs. So now he's probably having all sorts of fun with girls who will let them use them (either emotionally or physically) and doesn't know what to do with me. I guess I have to swallow that pill that he is not ready for something serious at the moment and may never be. Oh well. I am ok with that. It's the way he is ending it that sucks. I don't like it open-ended and want to cut him off, but then if I do that I will be blamed for ending it for good. It's a no-win situation.

[turtle]

It's the way he is ending it that sucks. I don't like it open-ended and want to cut him off, but then if I do that I will be blamed for ending it for good. It's a no-win situation.

This is JMO, so take it with a grain of salt.  His silence speaks volumes. Silence may not be the "closure" you want, but it is certainly closure. Why would you care if you're blamed for ending it for good?  

If it were me (and I realize it's not,) I would be thrilled to take the blame for ending it for good. Ending it because he's not speaking to you is the appropriate thing to do!  When he comes back around, it would be perfectly appropriate to say something like "when you stopped speaking to me, I assumed we were through, so I've moved on with my life."

Have you explored why you willing to wait around for someone who treats you this way?

turtle

[Louise7777]

I agree with Turtle. Whats wrong abt being blamed? Let others think you are the "bad guy". Who cares? Im used to that coming from BPD relatives, its pretty common. They made up stories out of the blue just to make you look bad and they are the eternal victims.

Let them be the victims. You said he comes to you when he needs something. WELL... .  Thats selfish, self-centered behaviour! You can cut the relationship because you want to, I dont see a "no win situation" at all! You can win by detaching yourself from somebody and keeping your estability and mental health.

Also, being in a relationship without being physical is a choice, he was not obligated, its no excuse for him to go looking around.

Take care of urself. 

[AllyCat7]

It's the way he is ending it that sucks. I don't like it open-ended and want to cut him off, but then if I do that I will be blamed for ending it for good. It's a no-win situation.

This is JMO, so take it with a grain of salt.  His silence speaks volumes. Silence may not be the "closure" you want, but it is certainly closure. Why would you care if you're blamed for ending it for good? 

If it were me (and I realize it's not,) I would be thrilled to take the blame for ending it for good. Ending it because he's not speaking to you is the appropriate thing to do!  When he comes back around, it would be perfectly appropriate to say something like "when you stopped speaking to me, I assumed we were through, so I've moved on with my life."

Have you explored why you willing to wait around for someone who treats you this way?

turtle

I agree. And I do plan on moving on with my life. I guess it's the LinkedIn thing that has a symbolic meaning of us still being connected that I need to figure out. I have to see how I feel over the next few weeks. If I am ok with having the LinkedIn connection and can still detach nontheless (esp now that I blocked his updates) then I will leave it. But if it still bugs me to have that connection, I will delete him. In the past, when I deleted him from my FB, he took it pretty harshly and it affected his trust in me. So that's why I want to make sure I'm 100% done when I take that step.

Btw, I have been detaching from him since he pushed me away in January. I tried to patch things up, but he threw that for a loop when he flaked out on his bday. I am in a much better place emotionally than I was in the fall, though... .  MUCH better. I feel a lot more stable, in control, and have my self-respect in tact. Still have some more work to do in detaching, though. Thanks for your feedback

[AllyCat7]

I agree with Turtle. Whats wrong abt being blamed? Let others think you are the "bad guy". Who cares? Im used to that coming from BPD relatives, its pretty common. They made up stories out of the blue just to make you look bad and they are the eternal victims.

Let them be the victims. You said he comes to you when he needs something. WELL... .  Thats selfish, self-centered behaviour! You can cut the relationship because you want to, I dont see a "no win situation" at all! You can win by detaching yourself from somebody and keeping your estability and mental health.

Also, being in a relationship without being physical is a choice, he was not obligated, its no excuse for him to go looking around.

Take care of urself. 

True. I'm ok with that. And if the lack of closure is eating me up too much after a while, I can always send a goodbye email with any last thoughts and clarifications. And then let the cards fall where they may. I just have to be 100% ready when I take that step. Guess time will tell. Thanks!

[turtle]

True. I'm ok with that. And if the lack of closure is eating me up too much after a while, I can always send a goodbye email with any last thoughts and clarifications. And then let the cards fall where they may. I just have to be 100% ready when I take that step. Guess time will tell. Thanks!

AllyCat7   

"Closure" is overrated. Sometimes things just don't get tied up in a nice little package. And really... .  you already HAVE closure.  It sucks, but your closure is that he doesn't even want to say a proper goodbye.  And that says WAY more about HIM than you!

You'll send that goodbye email if you choose, but I really hope you don't do that.  He doesn't want to hear what you have to say ... .  he's made that abundantly clear.  The disrespect in that speaks VOLUMES.

He doesn't deserve to hear your last thoughts and clarifications.  If you have to write that goodbye email, please post it here and don't send it to him.

What would you like to hear as "closure" from him?  What more could he possibly say than what he's said by his cruel silence?

turtle

[turtle]

This just got posted on the leaving board.

AlleyCat -- THIS is for you! 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200228.0

[AllyCat7]

True. I'm ok with that. And if the lack of closure is eating me up too much after a while, I can always send a goodbye email with any last thoughts and clarifications. And then let the cards fall where they may. I just have to be 100% ready when I take that step. Guess time will tell. Thanks!

AllyCat7   

"Closure" is overrated. Sometimes things just don't get tied up in a nice little package. And really... .  you already HAVE closure.  It sucks, but your closure is that he doesn't even want to say a proper goodbye.  And that says WAY more about HIM than you!

You'll send that goodbye email if you choose, but I really hope you don't do that.  He doesn't want to hear what you have to say ... .  he's made that abundantly clear.  The disrespect in that speaks VOLUMES.

He doesn't deserve to hear your last thoughts and clarifications.  If you have to write that goodbye email, please post it here and don't send it to him.

What would you like to hear as "closure" from him?  What more could he possibly say than what he's said by his cruel silence?

turtle

I see what you're saying. I don't want him to say anything, really. Just that "I'm done with you." I'm remarkably good at getting broken up with . I'll be gone literally the next day. And I think that's why he isn't saying that to me... .  because when he has in the past, I was gone. And he had to try to get me back. Now he isn't saying it, so he thinks it will keep me on the his backburner. So I don't thin he's done with me in his mind, even though he is ignoring me now (typical BPD). But I will soon be done with him. This silence is more than he's done in the past and even if he has some warped reason for it (assuming I am talking to some other guys, which I never was, but he never believed me) then that's his problem. Not mine. I guess that's all I want to hear from him. "I'm done. Get lost." But I can do without it, I guess, if enough time has gone by with silence.

As for me, the only thing I want to tell him honestly is that, contrary to what he may have thought, I was always faithful to him (even though he never was to me). In the last year, I was not the best at reassuring him of this (for various reasons, which I'm sure many of you understand) and I regret it to some extent. It's something I was working on, but I still think I fell short at times. Just for my own personal integrity's sake, I wanted to let him know the final record... .  before I delete him and move on and get to know other people. I don't want to blab on and on about the relationship. Just want him to know that one fact. And I'd be doing it more for me than for him.

[AllyCat7]

This just got posted on the leaving board.

AlleyCat -- THIS is for you! 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200228.0

Thanks for sharing Exactly what I'm going through, except he didn't "poof" after it was going well. It was a slow degradation over the last several months. And he whimpered away more than "poofed" because I think he's pissed at me for something he's made up in his own head, or he feels ashamed for what he did on his birthday (as he should) even though I did forgive him and try to make amends. Maybe he feels he doesn't deserve my patience. And at this point, I agree with him.

[turtle]

or he feels ashamed for what he did on his birthday (as he should) even though I did forgive him and try to make amends. Maybe he feels he doesn't deserve my patience. And at this point, I agree with him.

Doesn't matter if it was a "poof," a slow degradation, or anything else.  At the root of it is EXTREME disrepect. Who cares what HE feels?  He's treating you like crap!

I'm sorry to be so adamant, AllyCat7.  He doesn't deserve your patience, your consideration, a "goodbye" email, or anything else.  You have been faithful, but he hasn't. That's CRAPPY! He doesn't even respect the fact that you've been faithful and you've somehow accepted that he hasn't been faithful and tried to pretend it's okay with you.   It SHOULDN'T be okay with you.

Even so... .  whatever you do is up to you.  You are the only one that can decide what's best for you.  Please... .  just don't sell yourself short.  We teach people how to treat us.  If you rally around him, send him a goodbye email, or somehow make this horrific behavior of his okay and sign up for more of his BS, he will know that it's okay to do it again.  And he WILL do it again.

You/me/we have to arrive at the place where people like your bf don't get to keep us in their life.  We are valuable and they don't get to treat us as if we aren't.

turtle

[AllyCat7]

or he feels ashamed for what he did on his birthday (as he should) even though I did forgive him and try to make amends. Maybe he feels he doesn't deserve my patience. And at this point, I agree with him.

Doesn't matter if it was a "poof," a slow degradation, or anything else.  At the root of it is EXTREME disrepect. Who cares what HE feels?  He's treating you like crap!

I'm sorry to be so adamant, AllyCat7.  He doesn't deserve your patience, your consideration, a "goodbye" email, or anything else.  You have been faithful, but he hasn't. That's CRAPPY! He doesn't even respect the fact that you've been faithful and you've somehow accepted that he hasn't been faithful and tried to pretend it's okay with you.   It SHOULDN'T be okay with you.

Even so... .  whatever you do is up to you.  You are the only one that can decide what's best for you.  Please... .  just don't sell yourself short.  We teach people how to treat us.  If you rally around him, send him a goodbye email, or somehow make this horrific behavior of his okay and sign up for more of his BS, he will know that it's okay to do it again.  And he WILL do it again.

You/me/we have to arrive at the place where people like your bf don't get to keep us in their life.  We are valuable and they don't get to treat us as if we aren't.

turtle

Aww thanks. You are right and I appreciate your words. I have to be willing to lose him to stand up for myself. I have been doing so over the past few months. But guess there's one last thing left to do--cut him off.

[Louise7777]

Thank you, Turtle. You words are very helpful to many of us here, its like you are taling to me somehow too. Im going through the "silent treatment" for a while and we need to set boundaries and demand respect. Yes, demand. Not making excuses for others bad behaviours, not giving in, not letting go. People have to be responsible for the consequences of their actions.

AllyCat, I hope you can put Turtle´s words to practice. i hope I can too.

[turtle]

Thank you, Turtle. You words are very helpful to many of us here, its like you are taling to me somehow too. Im going through the "silent treatment" for a while and we need to set boundaries and demand respect. Yes, demand. Not making excuses for others bad behaviours, not giving in, not letting go. People have to be responsible for the consequences of their actions.

AllyCat, I hope you can put Turtle´s words to practice. i hope I can too.

cristina2323 --

I hope for you too, that this idea of the silent treatment becomes intolerable to you.  Not that it becomes a fighting ground for you, or a  means to retaliate or anything else like that.  When a person goes silent, that is a HUGE statement.  HUGE!  And to do it without explanation or reason says a lot.  I know it's painful, but take it for what it is.  At a minimum, it's DISRESPECTFUL.  Why try to coddle the feelings of someone who disrepects you?

The idea of No Contact is a common topic here.  And I am a huge supporter of No Contact. I mean, I think it's the ONLY way (at least for me) to move on with your life and truly... .  for ME... .  it saved my life.  

So... .  one could think that it's the silent treatment in reverse.  However... .  I NEVER initiated No Contact without explaining exactly why.  When someone just disappears off your radar without a word, without a note, without even a pause... .  that is grossly disrespectful and it says EVERYTHING without saying a word.

crinstina 2323, I haven't read your story, but I'll do that now.  I can promise you this... . No One deserves the silent treatment.  It's abusive.  As you read along here, just be sure you understand the difference between the silent treatment and No Contact!  It can be confusing.

turtle

[Louise7777]

Thank you again, Turtle.

Yes, NC and silent treatment are very different indeed. I understand NC as a boundary to protect yourself and ST is a punishment on somebody, willing to harm, control or manipulate.

My story is simple, I have uBPD relatives. With histrionic and sadistic traits. Its hard to realize how much trouble they create inside a family and how people let them get away with all that terrible behaviour. I have learn instinctively to go NC to save whats left of my sanity... .  . Then I found this website and I learnt more and felt validated. I dont think I can ever aply the tools I read abt here, Im in a point of no return and Im NC.

The ST i receive from a friend (bf?) that I assume is PA. I posted abt silent treatment on some other threads cause its something common among BPDs too, so Id take advantage on people´s experiences.

I have to be careful not to develop the same behaviour, I feel that sometimes Im happy with the ST and its a power struggle, I bet I can go silent for longer than him. And thats not healthy, its revenge.

But that said, you are completely right, no excuses! I actually dont care if they are BPD, NPD, PA or whatever name, their behaviour is unacceptable! Saying they cant help it doesnt work for me, I dont buy that one bit.

Please keep on posting, you are of great help. 

AllyCat, the post about "closure is overestimated" is really good. We have to create closure in our mind. I read posts where a married person gets closure in her/ his mind before separating, its an internal decision you take in order to empower yourself and move on. Wish u the best. 

[AllyCat7]

Thank you, Turtle. You words are very helpful to many of us here, its like you are taling to me somehow too. Im going through the "silent treatment" for a while and we need to set boundaries and demand respect. Yes, demand. Not making excuses for others bad behaviours, not giving in, not letting go. People have to be responsible for the consequences of their actions.

AllyCat, I hope you can put Turtle´s words to practice. i hope I can too.

cristina2323 --

I hope for you too, that this idea of the silent treatment becomes intolerable to you.  Not that it becomes a fighting ground for you, or a  means to retaliate or anything else like that.  When a person goes silent, that is a HUGE statement.  HUGE!  And to do it without explanation or reason says a lot.  I know it's painful, but take it for what it is.  At a minimum, it's DISRESPECTFUL.  Why try to coddle the feelings of someone who disrepects you?

The idea of No Contact is a common topic here.  And I am a huge supporter of No Contact. I mean, I think it's the ONLY way (at least for me) to move on with your life and truly... .  for ME... .  it saved my life.  

So... .  one could think that it's the silent treatment in reverse.  However... .  I NEVER initiated No Contact without explaining exactly why.  When someone just disappears off your radar without a word, without a note, without even a pause... .  that is grossly disrespectful and it says EVERYTHING without saying a word.

crinstina 2323, I haven't read your story, but I'll do that now.  I can promise you this... . No One deserves the silent treatment.  It's abusive.  As you read along here, just be sure you understand the difference between the silent treatment and No Contact!  It can be confusing.

turtle

Thanks, Turtle. You rock

But I have a question. I actually am fine with doing no contact. The last time I emailed him was 2.5 weeks ago and I wasn't planning on reaching out to him again per se. I guess my question was more or less that during the no contact, do I also delete him off LinkedIn? Or just leave things the way they are and move on emotionally regardless of the LinkedIn connection? And if I do decide to delete him from LinkedIn, do I communicate something to him about it, similar to what you wrote in your post about "explaining why"? I guess in a way, that would be closure for me. Deleting him off LinkedIn (and also deleting a mutual friend of ours off my FB, which he has used to "spy" on me). And then sending a quick note to explain why and then move on with my life. I think it would be easier for me to move on if I did that. Like I said, the final note would be for me, not him.

[AllyCat7]

Thank you again, Turtle.

Yes, NC and silent treatment are very different indeed. I understand NC as a boundary to protect yourself and ST is a punishment on somebody, willing to harm, control or manipulate.

My story is simple, I have uBPD relatives. With histrionic and sadistic traits. Its hard to realize how much trouble they create inside a family and how people let them get away with all that terrible behaviour. I have learn instinctively to go NC to save whats left of my sanity... .  . Then I found this website and I learnt more and felt validated. I dont think I can ever aply the tools I read abt here, Im in a point of no return and Im NC.

The ST i receive from a friend (bf?) that I assume is PA. I posted abt silent treatment on some other threads cause its something common among BPDs too, so Id take advantage on people´s experiences.

I have to be careful not to develop the same behaviour, I feel that sometimes Im happy with the ST and its a power struggle, I bet I can go silent for longer than him. And thats not healthy, its revenge.

But that said, you are completely right, no excuses! I actually dont care if they are BPD, NPD, PA or whatever name, their behaviour is unacceptable! Saying they cant help it doesnt work for me, I dont buy that one bit.

Please keep on posting, you are of great help. 

AllyCat, the post about "closure is overestimated" is really good. We have to create closure in our mind. I read posts where a married person gets closure in her/ his mind before separating, its an internal decision you take in order to empower yourself and move on. Wish u the best. 

Aww thanks, hun. You, too! 

[turtle]

Thanks, Turtle. You rock

But I have a question. I actually am fine with doing no contact. The last time I emailed him was 2.5 weeks ago and I wasn't planning on reaching out to him again per se. I guess my question was more or less that during the no contact, do I also delete him off LinkedIn? Or just leave things the way they are and move on emotionally regardless of the LinkedIn connection? And if I do decide to delete him from LinkedIn, do I communicate something to him about it, similar to what you wrote in your post about "explaining why"? I guess in a way, that would be closure for me. Deleting him off LinkedIn (and also deleting a mutual friend of ours off my FB, which he has used to "spy" on me). And then sending a quick note to explain why and then move on with my life. I think it would be easier for me to move on if I did that. Like I said, the final note would be for me, not him.

This whole social media thing is a stupid sticky wicket.  I can't tell you exactly what to do, but if it were me, I would just delete him - but that's because I am soo done with all of this kind of BS. It has no place in my life anymore and I won't tolerate it via phone, email, text, LinkedIn, FB, Twitter, Pitter, Patter, or anything else.

He has clearly gone silent... .  It's what HE wants, so what's the point of retaining any social media contacts?  And... .  he hasn't spoken to you in weeks, so what's the point in explaining a bunch of stuff now?  HIS choice seems very clear to me.

On the other hand... .  dammit... .  I HATE the other hand... .  I see your dilemma.  If you tell him WHY you're deleting him off of LinkedIn, that might be the "right thing" for you, but it opens the door to more of his shenanigans.  The thing you have to ask yourself is... .  am I willing to deal with whatever repercussions there are from contacting him?  If you delete him... .  he'll likely just go away.  Are you really ready for that?  However, he might go full court press to keep you on the line.  Are you ready for THAT?

The thing about "final notes" is that they really HAVE to be final.  If you're not going to back it up and stick to it, it's meaningless.  From your posts, I can't tell if you are ready to MEAN it and ENFORCE it.

Bottom line is... .  if you are really ready to move on... .  it won't make one bit of difference what HE does.  Where are you in this AllyCaty7?  Are you really ready not to give a rat's a$$ what HE does?

turtle

[Louise7777]

I agree with Turtle (again, what a surprise!) 

AllyCat, be very careful about last notes and ultimatums. I made an ultimatum 1 year ago: if you do the silent treatment on me again, dont need to call me EVER again, understood? Well, took him 1 year, but back we are at the same! Now I have to decide whether not to answer the phone when he finally decides to call or answer and loose all the moral authority I had.

So, as Turtle said, be prepared to deal with ur choice. Good luck!

[AllyCat7]

Thanks, Turtle. You rock

But I have a question. I actually am fine with doing no contact. The last time I emailed him was 2.5 weeks ago and I wasn't planning on reaching out to him again per se. I guess my question was more or less that during the no contact, do I also delete him off LinkedIn? Or just leave things the way they are and move on emotionally regardless of the LinkedIn connection? And if I do decide to delete him from LinkedIn, do I communicate something to him about it, similar to what you wrote in your post about "explaining why"? I guess in a way, that would be closure for me. Deleting him off LinkedIn (and also deleting a mutual friend of ours off my FB, which he has used to "spy" on me). And then sending a quick note to explain why and then move on with my life. I think it would be easier for me to move on if I did that. Like I said, the final note would be for me, not him.

This whole social media thing is a stupid sticky wicket.  I can't tell you exactly what to do, but if it were me, I would just delete him - but that's because I am soo done with all of this kind of BS. It has no place in my life anymore and I won't tolerate it via phone, email, text, LinkedIn, FB, Twitter, Pitter, Patter, or anything else.

He has clearly gone silent... .  It's what HE wants, so what's the point of retaining any social media contacts?  And... .  he hasn't spoken to you in weeks, so what's the point in explaining a bunch of stuff now?  HIS choice seems very clear to me.

On the other hand... .  dammit... .  I HATE the other hand... .  I see your dilemma.  If you tell him WHY you're deleting him off of LinkedIn, that might be the "right thing" for you, but it opens the door to more of his shenanigans.  The thing you have to ask yourself is... .  am I willing to deal with whatever repercussions there are from contacting him?  If you delete him... .  he'll likely just go away.  Are you really ready for that?  However, he might go full court press to keep you on the line.  Are you ready for THAT?

The thing about "final notes" is that they really HAVE to be final.  If you're not going to back it up and stick to it, it's meaningless.  From your posts, I can't tell if you are ready to MEAN it and ENFORCE it.

Bottom line is... .  if you are really ready to move on... .  it won't make one bit of difference what HE does.  Where are you in this AllyCaty7?  Are you really ready not to give a rat's a$$ what HE does?

turtle

Hmm, well, I was willing to keep fighting for it even up until last month, which is why I wanted to take him out for his birthday. If we were able to sort this current dilemma out, I may be inclined to try again. We've never had no contact for longer than 2 weeks. This is the first time it's been this long. Part of me feels that maybe we need this space... .  maybe HE needs this space to realize that I can live without him. I mean I can live without him. And I am doing that. But this LinkedIn crap just makes things tricky. I wish I never added him in January... .  I just did it to be nice to make up for deleting him off my FB.

Anyway, part of me is willing to just stick it out a little bit more, keep him on my LI, and see if he reaches out. Maybe I will give it a timeline... .  say a month. If he doesn't reach out in a month, then I have three options. 1. I delete him from LI, delete his friend from my FB and send a note. 2. Do those things and don't send a note. or 3. Reach out to him one more time to make amends (which I've had to do in the past when he thinks I'm mad at him). If he accepts, then cool. If  not, then I'll either do #1 or #2.

Hmm, I think I will stick it out for a month. I think after that month, I will be in a much clearer position with where I want to go with this. As of now, I'm not comfortable cutting it off yet b/c we haven't been NC for that long. But if another month goes by with no word, I will def be ready to delete him from the social media stuff and from my life in general. We've had a two year run. I figure one more month will be doable.

Sighhh... .  so confusing. Thanks for your help!

[turtle]

moral authority.

And that's exactly it.  MORAL AUTHORITY.  If you don't back up your moral authority, it means NOTHING.  So... .  if you aren't ready to be done... .  that's okay.  Better to say "I'm not ready" and act accordingly than to draw lines in the sand that can be easily washed away.   

turtle

[AllyCat7]

I agree with Turtle (again, what a surprise!) 

AllyCat, be very careful about last notes and ultimatums. I made an ultimatum 1 year ago: if you do the silent treatment on me again, dont need to call me EVER again, understood? Well, took him 1 year, but back we are at the same! Now I have to decide whether not to answer the phone when he finally decides to call or answer and loose all the moral authority I had.

So, as Turtle said, be prepared to deal with ur choice. Good luck!

Aww thanks. Well the final note was not going to be a goodbye note per se. My goodbye would be more in my action to delete him off LI and to leave him alone. What my note was going to be is more a clarification of a few things on my end. Just some "for the record" stuff. And that I'm going to move forward with my life with or without him. And then if I don't hear from him, that will be the end of that. It will be much easier to let go at that point without the social media connection.

[AllyCat7]

moral authority.

And that's exactly it.  MORAL AUTHORITY.  If you don't back up your moral authority, it means NOTHING.  So... .  if you aren't ready to be done... .  that's okay.  Better to say "I'm not ready" and act accordingly than to draw lines in the sand that can be easily washed away.   

turtle

Yeah, I'm not ready yet, which is probably why I'm not gonna delete him yet. I'll just keep him blocked for now. And do my thing. If a month goes by with no word, then I'll have to take action one way or another. Kinda looking forward to this month going by

[turtle]

Yeah, I'm not ready yet, which is probably why I'm not gonna delete him yet. I'll just keep him blocked for now. And do my thing. If a month goes by with no word, then I'll have to take action one way or another. Kinda looking forward to this month going by

And not to be an irritating gnat, but who is going to keep track to make sure one month doesn't turn into two, two to four, four to eight, etc.?

And what will YOU be doing about contacting HIM during this month?

turtle

[AllyCat7]

Yeah, I'm not ready yet, which is probably why I'm not gonna delete him yet. I'll just keep him blocked for now. And do my thing. If a month goes by with no word, then I'll have to take action one way or another. Kinda looking forward to this month going by

And not to be an irritating gnat, but who is going to keep track to make sure one month doesn't turn into two, two to four, four to eight, etc.?

And what will YOU be doing about contacting HIM during this month?

turtle

haha it's ok. You're not irritating! I appreciate your help and consideration, in fact

I think I can ensure that it's just a month. I am not too emotionally invested at this point. I've been emotionally detaching for a few months now, so I'm in a much better place than I was in the fall. I was chasing him a lot in the fall. But not so much anymore... .  and I think that's partially why he's being a big baby. Oh well. I don't have time to play someone's mommy for life. If he can't step up and try to fix this or if he doesn't want to because he has other girls, then buh bye. I'm setting the month clock now and will stick to it, guaranteed!