4 Horsemen DBT Need Advice Here

[Miserable Mom]

Hello BPD Family. Daughter 17 is currently in Residential Intensive DBT and family therapist/session ended with a follow up call from therapist summary that I may be blocking the results I wish to see for my daughter. The call left me bewildered. I have an issue with the general DBT premise that "there is no absolute truth". There is and we need to talk about it. Session focused on 4 horseman, a new subject to me outside of biblical knowledge. I stated my relationship as mother is itself a horseman, as I am the one enforcing boundaries and consequences. Family is still in a state of trauma/crisis that led to placement. Therapist did not agree with the statement. Second horseman, I gave trust, which resulted in more sabotage and chaos. Again, deflected as not a negative trait contributing to relationship difficulties. Third, I am educating myself to improve my skills at being more validating. Accepted. Therapist stated my own emotional reaction is blocking progress in my child and that the bpd behaviors leading to the current trauma/crisis are not relevant. What? No one wants to speak truth, as I understand in DBT there is no truth? My daughter, my son and myself were nearly run over in oncoming traffic at 55mph due to elopement, and again by the police car coming at us at a very fast speed while I had her restrained on the ground. Then the police attempt to charge her with DV for a bite wound to myself while she was restrained. DCFS/DV referral to JUV the following day after I refused to press charges. Trafficking concerns for over a year now, no one wants to discuss. What am I missing here? Radical acceptance? I am to accept that my daughter is going to be dead, in jail or trafficked?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so sorry you are going through this. As I understand it DBT theory says there are different truths for different people. Our children who have BPD experience the world differently than we do. Their experience is still just as real to them as our experience is to us. Rather than debate about what is absolute truth it can be more fruitful to our relationship with them to find ways of dialoguing about each other's truth. That does not mean validating the invalid. It means taking the way they experience things seriously as being true for them. Does that make sense to you? The four horsemen of the apocalypse (yes the term comes from the Bible, the book of Revelation) are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Do you see yourself doing any of that?

[Miserable Mom]

Thank  you for your thoughts. The "absolute truths" I am concerned with are facts. Not to criticize, to establish the reality of behaviors that are happening. Defensive, not to personally defend myself, but again, stating facts. I fully support DBT and choose placement for the intensive program. I struggle with the how to get to a better place without acknowledging the reality of the very real behaviors and the high consequences that got us to this place. Daughter and therapist perceive this as "my emotional issues" and "criticism", again placing the blame/accountability on mom rather than the behaviors. I welcome honest input.

[PeaceMom]

What comes to mind to me here is that accepting DD’s reality about why she was running (for ex. To get away from high, impossible emotions, to flee from feeling of being judged by family, etc) can be done by you. But the absolute truth is that running into traffic is going to get someone seriously injured. That should be acknowledged  by all. And if the T is minimizing that ineffective, deadly coping skill then T is validating the invalid. To me it’s a simple as T coaching DD on learning to run on a track or safe trail.

Good grief, how incredibly frustrating for you. You are saying the high stakes coping skill is too dangerous and must be changed. That takes planning and thought with the help of T. Then you can slowly start working toward restoring the fractured relationship.

Big hug to you today and I’m so sorry for you recent trauma.

[Miserable Mom]

Thank you for the support. I have accepted the reality long ago and have struggled to find care for her. It has been a constant fight to get professionals to accept the reality of the high risk/high consequence behaviors, as much of it is hidden/covert. A great deal of the information I have has come from intercepting social media/electronic communications beginning a year ago. It is a reality few have knowledge of or access to. Hell. So T has not taken history from me and treatment plan received today does not mention the on-line/sexual/trafficking issues at all. When I attempted to discuss facts with T I was told my own emotions are blocking the results I wish to see for my daughter. Latest incident came after what I thought was 3-4 months of relative peace, blind sided me. I intercepted a request for nudes on her cell phone that is on my bedside table every night. I initiated er plan, alarm on, er contacts notified and she escalated upon waking when she could not have her phone. I did not know she had a burner phone until I released my restraint on her to the police and saw it in her hand. Her perception to T is mom is argumentative and that causes her to want to escape. When I stated the facts, I was shut down as not being open to gentle, open communication, which is now noted on the treatment plan. I am aware of my past behavior, JADE, and have done extensive research, education and skills practice to de-escalate, validate and re-direct. I thought she was calm, resting in her bed until she went for the door and activated the alarm. It is the second time in 6 months she has run into oncoming traffic at 55mph and this time it was nearly fatal. Mom in full shock/trauma after transfer to inpatient overnight and I was hit with the police/charges and DCFS hours later. Dad is alcoholic/abandoned family long ago. Daughter told crisis worker in ER Dad told her to stop taking anti-psychotics because they were making her fat and she was hiding them under her bed for 7days. Police pressing DV charges regardless of my refusal to do so for the bite wound. Second DCFS investigation in 6 months. Yikes. T stated she would deal with past issues one on one and my job was to support her going forward, fresh start. There is a serious disconnect between facts vs non-judgemental criticism. Thank you for your feedback. BPD family has helped me so much.

[PeaceMom]

Miserable mom-
This must be a terrifying for you. You are afraid for your DD’s life as she exhibits such dangerous and deadly coping skills.  My DD19 was sneaking out of house before she turned 18 hooking up with young adults (18-20), running with hardcore drug users, driving like a nut, etc.

I was so emotionally spent from trying to control her that I counted down the days till her 18th bday and then I just stopped everything. I dropped her phone from my plan  and we sold her car then she got a job and bought her own go phone and bought her own cheap vehicle, and made her own rules. I chose to simply let her live here.
I finally realized I could not control her craziness.  I was off the hook legally once she turned 18.

Looking back at ages 15-18 I don’t know what I could have done differently. I get what her T is saying to you, but how do you live with/cope with a kid running into traffic when dysregulated?  What kind of consequences does she get for illegal sexting in your home? My DD did this too as a minor and it was so infuriating. I explained to her how she was putting herself in physical and legal danger, but she kept at it.
Can T arrange for a group session to come up with consequences for illegal behavior in your home?
We learned that if DD was hell bent on something, there was nothing we could do to prevent it.
We thought for a few years (before we considered BPD) that she had a “love and sex” addiction and had her in therapy for that. It turns out, it was just another poor coping skill.
Do you have any face to face support for yourself? CODA, NAMI, trusted friends or family? 
I know you’ve read here about self care being mandatory. Easier said than done when days are filled with danger.
I know you are asking for advice here, but all I can share is that I feel your pain and you are not alone.

[FaithHopeLove]

I struggle with the how to get to a better place without acknowledging the reality of the very real behaviors and the high consequences that got us to this place

Yes her behavior is extremely high risk. Running out into traffic could get her killed. Her violence toward you has already caused injury. Those are facts. It is also a fact that people with BPD experience their emotions as facts. The question is is focusing on these facts (her behavior)  the best move strategically or is it better to focus for now on the feelings behind the behavior as the T seems to want to do? What do you think?

[Miserable Mom]

The question is is focusing on these facts (her behavior)  the best move strategically or is it better to focus for now on the feelings behind the behavior as the T seems to want to do?

Thank you both for your support and feedback. This question brings clarity this morning. It is extremely difficult in crisis, with painful realities of the symptoms of the behaviors, to keep the focus on the function of the behaviors. I asked T to provide the talking points for the family phone session this week, to be prepared, rather than put on the spot with daughter present, with a topic I know nothing about. Daughter earned a 6 hour pass for today and I am headed that way, praying for clarity and guidance with every mile.

[PeaceMom]

MisMom- what a great idea to get a heads up on the next family session topics. That was smart!

Faith really helped here with pinning this down to focusing on DD’s outward dangerous behavior vs. putting that fear on the back burner and just trying to connect with validation and emotional support.

Could the T possibly be letting you know that if you will simply commit to relationship rebuilding with empathy and validation on your part, T will work hard on developing options for safer coping skills?

This seems like a very reasonable plan and possibly the only viable one. I hope your 6 hours is filled with calmness, peace and goodwill.