Met With My Therapist This Week, I don't Think My Ex was BPD

[Jack2727]

Hey!

So I met with my therapist this week. I told him my story. I have attached a link for those who don't know what happened to me.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240503.0

From discussing with my therapist, it seems that my ex was more NPD than BPD. She didn't have the addiction issues as well as the high sexual drive.  

So, I guess after meeting with my therapist I am still kind of trying to figure out what exactly was she. I know she had a PD and was an emotional abuser. Black and white thinking as well. Also had major depression issues. But I am clueless of what she actually was. Maybe you guys can shed some light?

I know this is a site for BPD and she did have some BPD symptoms. I know sudden abandonment and fear of engulfment are traits as well.

I'm moving through my grief but I am still struggling mightly with being abandoned. I know I triggered it by calling her mother in October and telling her I couldn't take it anymore. I think that was what triggered her abandonment fears.

For those of you who didn't date BPD's what do you think?

[Turkish]

Jack2727,

While a lot of us here do arm chair diagnoses, it's the behaviors which our Ex's exhibited which lead us here. I can actually relate to your Ex's criticisms of the way you ate. I got that too, very early (I think this is projection, in combination with social anxiety). While my Ex exhibits more BPD traits, she has a lot of narcissistic traits, as do many member's Ex's here. My BPD mom (given a suggestive Dx 20 years ago of BPD), doesn't have a narcissistic bone in her body. This doesn't make my childhood any less traumatic in retrospect.

Whether BPD, NPD, or any comorbidities like depression (which both my Ex and my mother have been diagnosed with), it's more important to how we deal with ourselves in the here and now. How do we process our relationships, and how do we detach, which is why we all are here.

We do have an article on BPD and NPD, if it helps: What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

[Jack2727]

Thanks Turkish!

Yeah, I guess I won't ever get a clinical diagnosis unless I can somehow get her on the couch. I think we all have suffered some sort of core trauma that leads us to these people. My dad was a classic narcissist and mom a co-dependant.

It's just crazy how many similarities there are. Did you ex ever obsess over former boyfriends? She always seemed to wrapped up on them. She also didn't really have any close friends. She had friends but they never were really close.

[antonio1213]

Though I cant diagnose your ex I can say that she sounds a lot more NPD than BPD. They can overlap each other and she could possibly be BPD but the main thing with BPD that I have seen consistently throughout talking to people is that pwBPD are emotionally unstable and unable to control their emotions. And from your story it doesn't sound like she is like that, she just sounds NPD and like she has her own problems (which we all have).

From your story it sounds like you were hitting a rough patch and were vulnerable to her NPD from the start. pwNPD are consumed with themselves and only think of themselves. It has some of the same traits as BPD but you would defiantly know if you were in a r/s with a person with BPD.

R/s with pwNPD are all about the person with the disorder. They are very manipulative and try to fill their needs to fit the way they view themselves. People with low self esteem, and those who are codependent are very vulnerable to them.

[Turkish]

Thanks Turkish!

Yeah, I guess I won't ever get a clinical diagnosis unless I can somehow get her on the couch. I think we all have suffered some sort of core trauma that leads us to these people. My dad was a classic narcissist and mom a co-dependant.

It's just crazy how many similarities there are. Did you ex ever obsess over former boyfriends? She always seemed to wrapped up on them. She also didn't really have any close friends. She had friends but they never were really close.

The Dx may answer questions, but there are plenty of members here whose Ex's have the Dx and it doesn't change much. Then again, there are success stories, too. It depends upon the person.

Yes, my Ex was still in love with a past bf. She contacted him when we first started having trouble (when I wasnt measuring up, I guess, and she all but told me). That was her first act of kind of cheating, inappropriate contact for sure. I felt that she was still in love with [her fantasy] of him until S5 was born. I had a chance to walk away since she broke up with me, but I stayed (fear of loss)? I flirted with the idea of her being BPD then, but dismissed it.