Daughter in law causing major chaos

[Oilwater15]

I so appreciate finding this group. It makes me feel not so crazy myself....
My son has been married for 15 years. We have had issues with his wife in the past, but have always been able to get through it, and always have been able to spend time with them and our grandchildren. Until a month ago. We took our grandkids on a trip, they are now 9 and 10, and it's been horrible ever since. Best I can figure is my Dil determined we have become a threat. Worst part, even worse than the false accusations and horrible things she has said to us, is that she has somehow convinced not just her husband ( our son) but also my daughter ( who has a 1 year old) that my husband and I are narcissists and they all need to stay away from us for the health of their children. What I struggle with most is that my own children are buying into this. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through to my children without causing her to lash out even more? I understand from others in this group that telling my children that she exhibits classic BPD symptoms will only be used against me. Distancing ourselves from everyone appears to be the only way right now, but wow does that idea hurt!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joyful Noise]

Oof.. That's the first shot across the bow of a very painful journey. You have my condolences.

I also have a BPD DIL and have lost both my son and my young grandchildren as a result.
A very good psychotherapist I have had occasional support from over this past half decade (yeah, I know..) describes my son's situation as his being locked into a "cult" (and he means that quite literally); the BPD spate of behaviors can be that controlling.  He is not allowed to have a relationship with me AT ALL and its almost as bad regarding his sisters. The woman he is now married to could not handle his sisters even having conversations with him while she was present; she is very threatened by other women interacting with him -even his sisters and mom..

As far as advice: get a really good therapist ASAP that is well-versed in BPD specifically.  I had absolutely NO idea what we, as a family were dealing with in this young woman. I knew things were not healthy but did not know what BPD was or how bad it can get. I had never heard of or seen anything like this.

BPD is a complicated and explosive firestorm to have land on your doorstep.   -Read everything you can on the subject.  -The faster you learn that you can't control it -or save your son, the more sane you own life will be.  -Unfortunately that does not mean your are going to "solve" it.  You may be able to minimize the chaos and drama impacting YOUR life though. -But it will still gut you to lose your adult child.

As a mother who has lost a half decade already with her dear son (we had a good, fun relationship his entire life) and now two lovely grandchildren, that can never be gotten back, I know that what I have to offer you here in the way of advice is slim to none.
There do not seem to be any real fixes for this heartbreaking situation. 

Those further along this path than I talk about how reacting against the pBPD's behaviors never really helps (and can extend or worsen it's impact upon your life infinitely). I listen very closely to their words regarding how they would do it differently: not fight the pBPD, not live their own lives in anger, not make such an effort to "forget" the reality they were faced with either, based on their 20+ year histories of having lost an adult child to a BPD spouse.  -Something about acceptance and then choosing a heart-centered road -for THEMSELVES.

I am now experimenting with thoughts they expressed that, if nothing else, would have made their OWN lives less painful -and perhaps more hopeful; extending invitations, sending cards and small gifts, etc. with NO expectation of response. I want my son to know, even/especially in his being locked away from his family of origin that we are still here. We are RIGHT here.

Perhaps, at some point, there will be a shift; a opening for light to come in. And creating a more peaceful life for oneself in the meantime is certainly a deserved gift.

I gained nothing from living in anger myself, in reaction to another's behaviors. 
And after being completely silent for four of the past five years, I determined that was also not a constructive route to take. It's just too brutal on your own heart, as a parent. 

The open door, open heart, non-demanding but "present" at a distance position; the one that has you dropping packages off at the post office occasionally, seems to be the most comfortable, most positive one for me.  Its an opportunity for me to say that I am still here, whenever things get healthier over there.   -And, that's about it..

I wish you the best.

[Joyful Noise]

Addendum:
At the end of the first year of loss of my son to his PBD spouse's demanding he sever all interactions with me, I sat down with paper and colored pencils and made a "map" of the damage. In just twelve months there were thirteen family relationships that had gone no-contact. -I defined that as no contact, in any form for a full year, between one-on-one prior close relationships. 

And yet each of those family members were still in contact with the BPD person. She was the center of the hub. In an extended family that had zero estrangement prior to her entry, thirteen one-on-one relationships had taken significant enough damage via her manipulations between our family members, to create this much estrangement and loss..

[Sancho]

Hi Oilwater15
I think you have identified the reason for this - clearly the children had a great time and that becomes a huge threat to DIL as the centre of their lives.

It's heart breaking that this is spreading to your daughter and the more you try to justify yourself the worse it will get.

BPD puts us all in the corner somehow, no matter what the issue. If we try to engage and explain the antagonism escalates.

I am wondering - and it is just a thought bubble - whether it is possible to sort of ignore it. For example, if you are talking to your dd and she brings this up, diminish it in some way without being dismissive. I'm not sure what your routines you have for contact with either your son or daughter, but wondering if you just turn up - just unannounced for a very brief chat then off.

I don't know how any of this could work but I do know the more you engage the bigger it becomes. So the obvious thing is to disengage, but that is just awful!

So I am trying to think of a third option.

Whatever you can do, make sure DIL is centre of attention - that does throw everyone into 'cognitive dissonance' a bit especially Dil

You have been working on this for many years so you know what the possibilities are - so sorry if all this is old hat to you.

Another thought I had is that I would focus on hopefully keeping the relationship with dd because her child is so young. Your son's children clearly have a great relationship with you and are old enough to be soon making their own decisions. If your daughter gets swept up into this it would just be so, so sad!

In regard to your dd, instead of answering her statements about you, can you respond with a question that prompts her to think about things for herself, eg dd accuses you of being a narcissist, ask her what her definition of a 'narcissist' is. If it is different to yours you could explore that a bit.

If she gives examples of times she thinks you were a narcissist, ask her if there could be a different explanation of those events ie from someone else's perspective.

Remember not to JADE - Judge, argue, defend yourself or explain. Try to think of it as exploring things with dd to get to the facts of things.

Sorry I am not much help here!