Need Help Leaving

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 Hi, I'm very new to the site.  I am hoping that some of you can give me some solid advice on what to do now that I have decided to leave the person who I have recently discovered (through attending my own therapy) has BPD. I started going to therapy thinking that if I could work through my own issues, the relationship would improve.  I also hoped that I would model good psychiatric health by attending therapy and hoping he would do the same.  We are long distance for a year now (something I have recently learned BPDs are attracted to because it prevents them from having to get too close) and although he has expressed a desire to be with me more, it is very evident that he will likely never move closer to me as he finds reasons and excuses and blames our "unsteady" relationship for his hesitation. It is unsteady because he frequently sabotages it when things are going well.  He will pick fights and become very cruel and then project and blame me for everything.  I have read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and "Quit Walking On Eggshells" and it's striking how true it all rings.  He has the childhood trauma and meets almost all DSM criteria.  I have been in this relationship for a year now always feeling that something was off and losing myself in the process to discover that this disease has been whittling me down the whole time.  I am a successful 30 something year old woman who has a great career and own my own home and car.  I have suffered two miscarriages recently by my BPD (ex) boyfriend and both times it's felt as if he was incapable of supporting me and even was verbally and psychologically abusive to me during those pregnancies.  I would love to have a child but I'm now terrified to have one with him.  Recently the psychological and verbal abuse has escalated and I fear it will become physical because three times now he has sped off in a vehicle while I was getting out, almost running me over. He has isolated me from my friends and family, once he discovered that I was reaching out to them for help and support during our difficult times.  I feel like a shell of my former self but I have managed to gather the strength to break it off, ignore his desperate attempts to get me to stay (although they were tinged with blame and self-defense), and block him from all contact with me.  But now I need to know how to have the strength to continue with this resolution.  Any help or advice is much appreciated.  Thanks

[FindingMeAgain81]

 Hi, I'm very new to the site.  I am hoping that some of you can give me some solid advice on what to do now that I have decided to leave the person who I have recently discovered (through attending my own therapy) has BPD. I started going to therapy thinking that if I could work through my own issues, the relationship would improve.  I also hoped that I would model good psychiatric health by attending therapy and hoping he would do the same.  We are long distance for a year now (something I have recently learned BPDs are attracted to because it prevents them from having to get too close) and although he has expressed a desire to be with me more, it is very evident that he will likely never move closer to me as he finds reasons and excuses and blames our "unsteady" relationship for his hesitation. It is unsteady because he frequently sabotages it when things are going well.  He will pick fights and become very cruel and then project and blame me for everything.  I have read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and "Quit Walking On Eggshells" and it's striking how true it all rings.  He has the childhood trauma and meets almost all DSM criteria.  I have been in this relationship for a year now always feeling that something was off and losing myself in the process to discover that this disease has been whittling me down the whole time.  I am a successful 30 something year old woman who has a great career and own my own home and car.  I have suffered two miscarriages recently by my BPD (ex) boyfriend and both times it's felt as if he was incapable of supporting me and even was verbally and psychologically abusive to me during those pregnancies.  I would love to have a child but I'm now terrified to have one with him.  Recently the psychological and verbal abuse has escalated and I fear it will become physical because three times now he has sped off in a vehicle while I was getting out, almost running me over. He has isolated me from my friends and family, once he discovered that I was reaching out to them for help and support during our difficult times.  I feel like a shell of my former self but I have managed to gather the strength to break it off, ignore his desperate attempts to get me to stay (although they were tinged with blame and self-defense), and block him from all contact with me.  But now I need to know how to have the strength to continue with this resolution.  Any help or advice is much appreciated.  Thanks

[pearlsw]

Hi FindingMeAgain81,

Welcome. 

Are you afraid he pull you back into being involved with him?

I briefly dated someone I wanted to “break the habit” of seeing…I just had to give myself other things to do and other people to be around, because if I had down time and thought of him it was too easy to call him.

So you have you cut yourself off from all of the easy ways to reach out to him and vice versa? 

Maybe, to stay strong, you could write out a list of the reasons not to contact him again. A long, detailed list perhaps? Want to write it out here?

with compassion, pearl.

[juju2]

Hi,

When I first found this community, it was a huge blessing.

Being in a r/s w someone BPD takes strength, good attitude, support system.  I had none of those.

When I can get healthy, strong, see what my situation is, I am co dependent, I have hope.  I can work on myself, my world changes.  Changed attitudes aid recovery.

Keep posting, reading, reaching out.

Hope, help, and healing are here.  At your own pace,  j

[FindingMeAgain81]

 

I'm not sure if I'm replying correctly as I'm still trying to figure out this site.  But I want to first thank you both pearlsw and juju2 for being so sweet.  It is quite a relief and fills my heart to have complete strangers show me so much love.  I haven't felt that type of acceptance or support in quite some time.

To answer your question, parlsw, I have blocked him from all communication through text and social media.  But he has found ways to still contact me through e-mail even though I have it filtered to go directly to my trash.  It was my own weakness that led me to still read the email in my trash folder to see what he had to say.  If I don't concede to his demands, then he attempts to play on my fears and implies he's going to try to meet new women and start a new relationship since I won't be with him.  I have read that this is also typical of BPD... .running right into another relationship while the old flame has barely begun to die.

You're absolutely right that I need to be strong and not respond or react to his attempts to get to me.  They are clearly desperate attempts and I know there will be more.  It makes it so difficult because at the end of the day I love him and know he is a good person at heart, but I am a huge trigger for him and he continues to try to rope me in and control me.  The cycle is so painful.  It is really not me contacting him that is the problem.  It is him contacting me.  And I am struggling with not responding to his instigations.

I love your idea of making a list and I will do that tonight.

juju2 - Thank you for the words of support and understanding.  It is so so SO nice to be able to share my feelings with people who understanding exactly how this feels.  Like you, I feel that I don't have strength, a good attitude or support system.  I live across the country from my family and friends as I'm in the military and don't really have people I trust close by that I can turn to.  I am in therapy with a great counsellor and I will continue to go and work on myself as you have said.  I will definitely keep reaching out and taking my time to improve myself and hopefully every day will get a little easier and I'll get a little stronger.

Thank you both so much   

[GTX]

Be safe and stay strong.

[Cmjo]

For me you said it all in your comment that you would like to have children but are scared to with him. Let that be the key for you to move on. if you have the slightest fear he may not be ideal as a father you are probably right that he wont be. I had two children with someone with BPD who I also believe is a good person at heart, but he is not an emotionally mature stable person, and has psychologically damaged our children through his behaviour.

Where would you like yourself to be in 10 years time? You need to continue the strength you are showing to say no, even if that makes you feel like a bad person you are not, you are just upholding your own values and doing what is right for you to be happy. I wish you all the best!