Righting Reflex

[united for now]

Righting reflex – the desire to fix what seems wrong with people and to set them promptly on a better course, relying in particular on directing.

How often have you watched your loved one move in a direction that you felt wasn’t good for them? Or that would possibly harm others? Or would harm “you”? Seeing people head down the wrong path is difficult, and your instinct is to jump in from of them and say “STOP! Don’t do that! There is a better way!” This is done for the best of intentions. Our hearts are in the right place. We only want to help them.

Most people who smoke, drink, have affairs, suffer from eating disorders, or suffer from emotional regulation problems are well aware of the hazards and pain they cause themselves and others. They’ve had conversations with themselves debating if they were doing the right thing as they continue to do the wrong thing. It’s like they have a committee inside their heads that doesn’t agree, constantly debating. Then we step in, trying to help and offer up reasons for the good side, explaining how good it is, why change is important and advising them on how to do it. When we do this, we become one side of the committee, and our loved one then assumes the position of the opposing side of the committee. We are creating a debate atmosphere where one side argues their case while the other side defends and argues theirs. If we argue for the good, they will then argue for the bad. It’s human nature. Rarely does a person say “Oh. I see what you’re saying and I will change”.

This debate process might seem helpful in getting the person to talk it out, except that people tend to trust their own opinions more than those of others. So if you are arguing for the good and they are arguing for the bad, which side do you think is being strengthened? You bet, you are strengthening the side you don’t want. Hearing themselves speak out loud adds power to what they are saying, increasing their belief in their own words as they speak them. The more they say them, the stronger they become convinced that what they are saying is right.

Our instinct to engage in the righting reflex comes from the belief that if we ask the right question, find the proper argument, provide critical information, provoke the decisive emotions, or pursue the correct logic that the person we are debating with will suddenly see our logic and agree with us. No one likes to be told what to do though, or why they should change or how they should go about changing. People tend to feel bad in response to the righting reflex (being debated) and feeling bad doesn’t help anyone to change.

The person also winds up feeling:

~ Angry (annoyed, irritated, not heard, not understood)

~ Defensive (discounted, judged, they begin to justify, become oppositional, unwilling to change)

~ Uncomfortable (ashamed, overwhelmed, eager to leave)

~ Powerless (passive, discouraged, disengaged, one-down)

So what is the solution? Remember, your loved one probably knows this argument well, since they engage in it inside their head all the time. Instead of debating them, try listening instead. Don’t provide answers. Don’t try to persuade or convince.  :)on't Invalidate. Instead, validate the valid emotions the person is feeling – not the facts. Express your understanding and empathy for the struggle your loved one is feeling. If you find an opening, ask questions to get them thinking about the dangers of their thoughts by using “how” questions, or the wonder tool “I wonder how that will fit/work/cost?” to get them moving out of their emotional defensive brain and into a wiser frame of thinking.

Try to remember JADE

Don't justify

Don't argue

Don't defend

Don't explain


What have your experiences been with trying the righting reflex?

Can you see your own part in strengthening "the bad" side of the argument?

Most importantly, are you ready to change tactics yourself?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Brilliant post.  Yes, I did this when my ex with whom I'd been engaged in an emotionally intimate friendship suddenly decided to move to another city.  With the best of intentions (and as discussed several times on this board!) I explained to him that he would lose a lot if he did this, not least, the closeness we'd had.  It had exactly the impact you outline here, UFN.  It strengthened that side of the argument in his own mind, made him incredibly defensive -- I'd guess it made him much less likely to return here than he'd been earlier.  I wish I hadn't done it.  I did use questions, & eventually tried to just talk about the impact of his decision on me, but the overall context of the conversation was very invalidating of his choice, and clearly drove him more emphatically into that position.

[coworkerfriend]

Excellent post!  I have to say this is a tool that I have been actively working on for the past 6 months and it has helped us reduce the number of triggered discussions that we have had.

Since I own a business and have a relationship with my pwBPD, I was complicating and confusing many issues in the past by trying to provide logical and "convincing" arguments why he should feel one way or another about a situation.  Plus since most of the rages and dyregulation was due to work,  I have been figuring out how the keep things more separate. 

When I sat back and really started listening, I realized what a huge part I played in invalidating his feelings and often times making a situation so much worse.  I started to listen to him and most of the time didn't say anything at all. It gave him a place to go with his thoughts without being afraid I was going to try and change them. I realized that he did have the conversations in his head where he was able to work through them without any input.  He has had many years of therapy but he has said I am the first person in his life who has allowed him to use the tools that he had been working on. 

Don't get me wrong, it is not always easy and most days we have small upsets and struggles that he needs to deal with.  He will always struggle with BPD.  I can't say I always understand it but I accept it.  I am working at being different during those times.  I am working at letting his words go and giving myself the space I need to be stronger. I have to give the credit to the improvement to this board and the tools that it has provided me.

[Asa]

Brilliant and eye-opening. I think I may do this because I want to jump in and fix things, make the loved one happy, or maybe just make the rage against me stop.

I would like to explore the suggestions more, and apply them in the relationships I am having trouble with, which may take months to slowly integrate peaceful communication. I am patient, I've had a lifetime of stumbling and learning, so I can take the time. So happy I found this thread!

[united for now]

Most of us do it because of our own caretaking instincts.

We want to make everything all better for others, so we offer them positive advice, hoping to sway them.

This is about "us" and our own need to help others in unhealthy ways.

[patientandclear]

I think maybe it's more complicated sometimes.  (Who's going to argue with that, right?)  But seriously -- I don't know that it is always an unhealthy impulse to share views when people we care about are damaging themselves.  Too invasively, too often, too insistently, sure.  But I know when I've been making poor decisions, I would really have felt it was weird if the people who saw & cared never said anything about it.  Ultimately, yes, I needed to fix it myself, and I needed them to give me the room to do that without feeling I was capitulating to them.  But if they'd never said anything?  That would have felt like they didn't care.  Or were idiots.  I mean, I knew what I was doing, and it would have defied belief that they didn't.  I think I would have felt they were being disingenuous if they never said anything about it at all.

When I wrote above that the righting reflex was definitely at play when I told my ex he was losing something if he moved -- upon further reflection (I wrote earlier that I wish I hadn't done it) I don't think it was unhealthy to do so.  I do clearly see that in the moment, it did the opposite of persuading him of my position.  But taking a longer term view, I don't see that exchange as"unhealthy." It didn't get me an immediate payout or anything, but that wasn't what I was after.  I was after being honest & introducing some integrity into what was happening between us.

Sometimes being loving means being honest and letting the chips fall where they may.  Sure, our pwBPD may not "like" that and may not respond in compliant ways.  I am not sure that is the be all and end all, I guess.

[Blazing Star]

I have been working on this reflex too, it is a tough one!

Especially if I am not in a good space myself, or his actions are effecting me/my life and I feel triggered. Mindfulness has helped here, with staying aware of what I am feeling.

Patientandclear, I hear you about wanting to say something to someone you care about. A great thing that I read that helps me with this urge is validate validate validate, and sleep on it, and if you still want to say something, then the next day you say to them something like "i was thinking about our conversation yesterday, and I am wondering if you have thought about X, when I put myself in your shoes it reminded me of when I did Y, and I felt Z, this may or may not apply to you, please know that I care about you a lot, and that is where this concern is coming from".

So it is like you totally own the advice/concern/caretaking role and it is up to them to do what they will with it. It is kept separate from the time when it is about them and you are validating, this is about you. Does that make sense?

It is a strong urge in me, and I find it so hard to bite my tongue and just validate without offering my opinion! A real work in progress! I have never heard it called a Righting Reflex before, it is so very apt!

Love Blazing Star

[united for now]

Righting reflex – the desire to fix what seems wrong with people and to set them promptly on a better course, relying in particular on directing.

Here's how it plays out:

Him - Should I move or should I stay?

When you begin to offer reasons to stay, you are attempting to persuade him to your worldview. His natural instinct is to then assume the opposing position and explain all the reasons why he should move, to debate you. "Yeah, but... . " is what he is thinking and feeling. The more reason's you give for staying, the more reasons he will think of and give for moving. He may wind up staying in the end - because moving requires a lot of effort and some motivation, so in this case your words weren't enough of an incentive for him to go through the hassle of actually moving. In other situations though, like wanting someone to stop smoking or to apply for jobs or take their medicine, your persuasion can actually back fire, keeping the person stuck in their unhealthy patterns.

Of course this isn't what happens 100% of the time. It does happen often enough though, where we need to be aware of how we offer our opinions and suggestions.

People change for their own reasons, not because someone else wants them to. The trick is to get them to want to change by allowing them to voice their reasons why they should change. To reflect back to them those reasons. To validate them when they give reasons not to change. Persuasion doesn't work with most people anyways, or is only temporary. Real change has to come from a desire inside the person. Dieters have to want to diet. Smokers have to want to quit. The unemployed have to want to apply for jobs. We can't give them that motivation. They have to find it inside themselves... .

Also, mentioning that you would like him to stay is WAY different than trying to persuade him to stay.

It's all about "balance"