Question about No Contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

No contact has been empowering to me and has allowed me to begin to heal from a 5 year relationship with a BPD. Although my exBPD gf attempted to manipulate a response or reaction from me after I ended the relationship, I gave her nothing and have maintained NC for six weeks.

I realize that BPDs and NPDs share similar traits (ie control) and I understand how no contact  could impact Narcissist but does it have the same impact on a Borderline?

[uncrx]

No contact has been empowering to me and has allowed me to begin to heal from a 5 year relationship with a BPD. Although my exBPD gf attempted to manipulate a response or reaction from me after I ended the relationship, I gave her nothing and have maintained NC for six weeks.

I realize that BPDs and NPDs share similar traits (ie control) and I understand how no contact  could impact Narcissist but does it have the same impact on a Borderline?

[Recooperating]

Hi uncrx,

Good job on NC 6 weeks!

For me NC is not so much about the impact on my dexBPDbf, but more about me getting sanity back. Remove myself from drama, rage, bs and manipulation.

But when I think about the impact for him... .Our silence and going NC drives them crazy at first. They want the control, they manipulate... .When we dont react we can not be manipulated and they really cant handle that.

Therefore the outcome usually is an extinsion burst (they will get worse and they will try everything to make you brake NC so they can "affect" you again). When they dont succeed and get no reaction in the long run, both PD's will need validation, control, supply so they move on to the next. If that rs fails they will see if ex's can be recycled, because they need supply. If they hit a closed door again... .Its on to the next.

NC is about taking control back and taking it from them. I think thats why its effective for both PD's.

[uncrx]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts are cooperating. You're correct that NC is more for the victim than the abuser. Once you get over the initial pain and fog subsides, you begin to realize how that you have taken away their power and control over you.

You're right, her impulsive and irrational actions immediately following my ending the relationship and beginning NC were all manipulative tactics intended to re engage me in the relationship and gain control.

She already had so much dysfunction and uncertainty in her life and now that she has lost control of the relationship and power over me has her feeling powerless and miserable.

[Deeno02]

What if you have already been replaced? Do they still bother with you?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

What if you have already been replaced? Do they still bother with you?

Mine has - and I think this is quite common.  Once the idealisation phase with your replacement is over then they enter the triangulation fantasy.  They try and get you back into the game.  The motives for doing this are beyond me.  It is very disordered behaviour.  No Contact keeps you free.

[uncrx]

Probably if they think they can but only if you allow them to. NC gives you the control.

[fromheeltoheal]

Remember that the core of BPD is fear of abandonment, so you "going NC" is the worst thing that could happen for a borderline.  Also remember that the need to control you is so you won't leave, primarily.  Taking back that control and leaving hurts a borderline to their core, and we're all aware of the tools that will then get used to attempt to soothe the emotions that accompany that abandonment.

[bunnysc]

Remember that the core of BPD is fear of abandonment, so you "going NC" is the worst thing that could happen for a borderline.  Also remember that the need to control you is so you won't leave, primarily.  Taking back that control and leaving hurts a borderline to their core, and we're all aware of the tools that will then get used to attempt to soothe the emotions that accompany that abandonment.

^This!... .Just give them a little power over yourself and they will make your life ''HELL'' cause in their mind they have the ''Power '' over you... .Such a miserable life

[Deeno02]

Triangulation fantasy? not familar with that.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Triangulation fantasy? not familar with that.

It is a term I made up.  My exuBPDgf keeps trying to lure me in while she is with my replacement.  She is living in fantasy land if she believes that will ever happen.  Also I was reading about the Karpman Triangle.  She is the persecuted.  When we were together I was the persecutor. So she cheated and dated my replacement because he was the rescuer.  Now the idealisation phase is over she tries to lure me back - that is when my replacement is now the persecutor and I guess she sees me as the rescuer.  If there is any truth to this it is all screwball stuff and the real fantasy in its pristine form.  They are nuts - stay No Contact.  Do yourself a favour.  A big favour.

[Bak86]

What if the BPD initiates NC though? Is this a form of control?

My ex blocked me on whatsapp. She said it's been peaceful without me talking to her.

[trampledfoot]

I spent 18 months after the break up of a 3 year RS with my BPEXGF in the friend zone. I was in and out of NC for anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months. All the while being strung a long while she searched for a replacement and when she found a quick one she would cut me off and then I was there waiting for her like an idiot when she was over it. As this new replacement came on board 2 months ago, I decided I am finally going NC for good this time. I wont lie it kills me, it is miserable but I told her loud and clear you will never get to see or hear from me every again. I hear about my replacement and what is going on through others.  My replacement  pales in comparison to me (from what i hear he is basically a loser) but I was made aware she is already love-bombing him, she has begun mirroring him doing things she never would before, and he is a push over and they are already fighting constantly... .classic BPD. When I step back and look at what she is doing to this person and what she has done to all of her friends over the years I am vindicated that this was not ALL MY FAULT. That no matter how many extra joules of energy or tears i gave her wouldn't change her fro the world. My point... .STAY NC the last 18 months of my life were hell as I just waited for her to come around, they will never change they are destructive people go NC from the start and begin rebuilding the pieces of your emotions and psyche.

[fred6]

it is all screwball stuff

Yes it is!

[hurting300]

Borderlines can do no contact better than we can. They are the mayor's of silent treatment.

[Spartacus]

I have managed no contact since leaving my uBPDw 10 weeks ago. It feels so cruel and unkind yet I know that to engage with her will only fuel her rage, discontent and twisting of blame. I don't trust myself to be around her either as despite knowing things were wrong in the final few weeks I still was so easily manipulated and controlled. Being NC has allowed me to regain some perspective and calm and process what has happened over the past three years. I think I had about 8 months of mirroring and idealization and then once I was hooked she started to change with push and pull behavior which steadily escalated with predictable regularity. Yet I put up with it, tried to do better and made excuses for her. It was so unhealthy. The texting and contact was incessant from day one and I barely had time to think. Now I can look back and see what madness was going on. Unfortunately the extreme flare up which woke me up from my spell came 3 weeks after our wedding and even then she spent the whole wedding night rocking on the floor of the bathroom in tears about how terrified she was that I would change into a monster.

My uBPDw was silent for a month after receiving my letter explaining that I was separating from her. I told her that I did not want her to visit me and requested that if she wanted to make contact that it be written not a phone call. She has written to my friends and family but not to me and has started to leave long phone messages of varying degrees of upset. The latest one simply says she has something important to tell me. She has come to my workplace and waited for me there and in the local pub. By some miracle I did not bump into her. One phone message claimed how my silence shows that I do not know what I am doing and that I am depressed and ill and cruel. I am remaining steadfast on NC but will write another letter explaining the finality of my decision. I am anxious that she will turn up here again and rage tearful and somehow con me into feeling responsible and guilty again. Any helpful advice on this would be much appreciated.

[trampledfoot]

Spartacus

Sounds like a very painful ordeal one in which we all share similar experiences.

Have you made the decision that you are ending the r/s for good? I think that if you have as any member will tell you remain NC as much as you can. In your case their May be court proceedings of which you should allow your lawyer to handle the communications in order to protect yourself.

If you haven't given up on the r/s I would suggest that you decider to offer up communication if and only if your ex agrees to some therapy. First know that therapy to BPDs is holy water and they may run other direction and in that case you need to remain firm and hold NC unless this key demand is met.

[Spartacus]

Thanks Trampledfoot.

It has been a strange and difficult time but I am blessed with wonderful family and friends who have supported me completely once I started to tell them about what had been happening. I have decided that the relationship must end. I can only see an unhappy and destructive future were I to stay with her. I have sent my uBPDw a letter repeating my wish that she should not phone or visit and that if she has something to tell me that she does so in writing. I do not expect her to follow this request as she has started to leave a number of phone messages wanting to meet up/ telling me how I have ripped her apart, whilst writing lengthy letters to my friends and family. I have taken legal advise and he has said that I have the right to not be hounded and if my requests are ignored I can request further action through the law. Other than that I have to wait until May before applying for the divorce proceedings can start. It is so far from the future I had envisaged. I feel in some way that I was brainwashed or groomed or just enchanted but that would be to diminish my part in not presenting any boundaries and codependency issues which I had never realized existed.

With regard to my uBPDw and therapy, she was in therapy for a few years before we met  but had been through at least 6 therapists before finding one she felt happy with or validated by. She encouraged me to go to couples therapy with her to help resolve our miscommunications (me touching on all sorts of triggers) and my 'assertiveness issues'  early on but would dictate exactly what we could discuss before each meeting. In the major gas lighting event in June where I was shaken back to my senses I told her that I thought our relationship had traits of BPD within it. She contacted her therapist who categorically refuted that she had any traits of BPD at all and she paraded this message at me a few times and then accused me of being BPD or  having Avoidant Personality Disorder because I had started to protect myself by calmly disengaging from her taunts and rages.

NC has helped me to reconnect with myself and my family and friends where I had been steadily distanced. Feeling stronger and more myself all the time.

I hope your situation is improving too.

[hurting300]

What if the BPD initiates NC though? Is this a form of control?

My ex blocked me on whatsapp. She said it's been peaceful without me talking to her.

BPD's as I said can abruptly cut off long term attachments and go silent. Sometimes they feel hurt over something and sometimes it's control.

[uncrx]

I heard this week that my exBPD gf was telling everyone that she happier than ever and that my obsession with her would never end because I was psycho ... .despite NC and no response/reaction for more than 7 weeks.

She saw a friend/coworker of mine tonight. After some brief small talk she resorted to her tricks from several weeks ago by saying that her and her new boyfriend had not able to spend much "alone time" together.

After catching her lying/cheating and exposing her for who she was, I left telling her I never wanted to see or talk to her again and began NC. I left with the control and have not played any of her games as before. NC has provided me the clarity and sanity to see all of her impulsive actions as she desperately continues to try to provoke a response/reaction, positive or negative to let her know I am still on the end of her chain.

This is the gift of NC.

[freedom33]

I broke up and have been NC with for 2 months. Out of the FOG and feeling good. Got my balls back. On the other hand she has tried to get in touch with me and friends and even ex girlfriends of mine via every possible communication medium fb, skype, viber, whatsapp, instagram... .I blocked her after each contact from each app. Latest in all this is that she has been using unknown numbers that I don't pick up and started creating fake profiles. Heavy dysregulation.

[blissful_camper]

Triangulation fantasy? not familar with that.

It is a term I made up.  My exuBPDgf keeps trying to lure me in while she is with my replacement.  She is living in fantasy land if she believes that will ever happen.  Also I was reading about the Karpman Triangle.  She is the persecuted.  When we were together I was the persecutor. So she cheated and dated my replacement because he was the rescuer.  Now the idealisation phase is over she tries to lure me back - that is when my replacement is now the persecutor and I guess she sees me as the rescuer.  If there is any truth to this it is all screwball stuff and the real fantasy in its pristine form.  They are nuts - stay No Contact.  Do yourself a favour.  A big favour.

I experienced/observed "triangulation fantasy" in, and after the r/s.  So I think there is truth to this concept.  It occurred in the limbo-devaluation stage, that holding pattern before one is painted black.  There were temporary rescuers (testing the waters) before he found the right one, who became my replacement (rescuer).  I believe this is the reason I was contacted recently a year out of the r/s.  Replacement is in the persecutor position, and ex needed a rescuer.  

I support blocking on social media.  NC all the way.