Introducing myself

[Toast12]

Hi to everyone out there

I'd like some help in making a decision. I live in the UK. I've been married for 23 years to a man I now know has BPD traits. His parents both have BPD personalities and my husband and his siblings were emotionally abused- some were physically abused as well. My husband is the youngest of 4.

Putting it very simply, my youngest child is off to university in September and it will be just him and me.  I've got six months to make a decision about my future - stay or go.

I'd be grateful for any help and advice . Just so that you know, I work full time and my SO works part time.

Toast

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DreamGirl]

Hi Toast12,

23 years is a long time!  

You mentioned that you have a six month deadline once your youngest goes to school, I can only assume that you're feeling like you've stayed in the marriage because of your children? How many kiddos do you have?

Is there a lot of conflict going on? What are some of the issues that you are facing?

Have you read any of the LESSONS yet(see them... .here)?  

It's a lot of information, I know. I also think it helps when making any difficult relationship decision (stay or go), it's important to involve your emotions but to also try and step outside the emotions too, so you are able to have a balanced view. You're definitely in the right place to gain a better understanding of certain behaviors when it comes to your husband and you'll find the more you learn, the better equipped you'll be in making this kind of decision for your family. Have you considered marital therapy at all?  

I'm so glad you found us. Welcome to our family.  

~DreamGirl

[Aurylian]

Hi Toast, and welcome to the board. 

Dreamgirl is right on with the lessons.  You can really make the best evaluation of your relationship after you have had time to see what you can accomplish on your end.  I have found the tools that I learned in the Lessons sections make a profound impact, not just on my BPDw, but actually on my work relationships as well.  It's amazing how much a little validation can get you.

I have been married 20 years, with the craziness starting about 11 years ago.  I learned about BPD about five years ago, which made a profound difference in my understanding of the relationship.  After I learned how to stop making things worse by my own issues and poor communication, I have been better able to see what can be done in working with my wife.

Do you and your husband have things you like to do together?

[Toast12]

Hi Aurelian and dream girl (and anyone else reading)

In reply to your questions, I have 2 children, DS22 and DD18. I feel very guilty that I did not leave when they were younger- I stayed to give them a stable life and if I'm honest because I really wondered if I could cope on my own. They will both be in university in September and we will be alone most of the time.

My parents in law are in their 80s and still scream and shout at one another - chairs were thrown a few months ago but when I suggested that she should leave she wouldn't hear of it. I don't want to be in that situation.

I'm sure that you can all guess what type of relationship it is/ has been - many rows, threats and disharmony. I have had 2 courses of counselling but I don't feel that couple counselling is for us- I'm sure that I'd be the one bending over backwards rather than him.

We do enjoy common interests but they are his interests and I join in- never the other way xxxtoast

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Toast!

Welcome to the boards.

The undecided board has a workshop on Decision Making that might be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0

I have been with my husband 17 years. I have made the choice to stay for now. I bounced all over the boards trying to figure out what was best for me and my 4 young kids.

Why do you feel guilty that you didn't leave when they were younger? Did they not have a stable life? I think it is important to think about all of those sorts of things when taking inventory of yourself and the situation.

What does a typical row or threat look or sound like?

One of the realities of all this is that the person with BPD traits isn't going to change. It is going to be up to you to assess the situation and determine whether or not you are willing to do the work involved with staying. If not, then it helps to create an exit plan and look at things like: How will the assets be divided up? Can I support myself? Where will I live? What are the chances that the partner will be open to an amicable split? Some people with BPD or BPD traits come unhinged when somebody tries to divorce them or leave them. It is best to read as much as you can and prepare yourself for whatever may happen.