Trying to decide - should I stay or should I go?

[NewMamaIrl]

Hi!

I have posted a first topic here under co-parenting and I suppose I wasn't really sure what to say or not say.

My real issue at the moment is whether or not I should stay and try to make a go of it with my BPD husband or if I should cut my losses now and leave while I can. I am currently living in my parents home with my baby, and my husband is abroad. We both moved for his job and I came home to have my baby. In the end things got so bad after the baby arrived that I didn't go back to him after he left my parents house to go back to work. I am now in the awful position whereby I am desperately hoping that things might get better and might not go back to the way they were and that he might have changed, but in my heart I know better.

How do I know that I am doing the right thing? How do I accept that this is my life now, that all of my hopes and dreams are gone. That I need to find new hopes & dreams

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ShadowA]

That's a toughy.

Let me ask you something.

What is your current mental state?

Do you question your own sanity when you're with him?

How is the relationship dynamic.

[NewMamaIrl]

I feel like total cr@p (pardon my language)

He is in my thoughts all of the time. I'm afraid of what he will say when he finds out that I have met my friends for coffee (inevitable question of who knows what and who did I talk to and what did they say) Everything I say I run through the filter of what will he say? Will this annoy him? Will this anger him? I can't ever complain about feeling tired even though he hasn't been here in over a month and I am currently looking after the baby on my own because if I do he says that it's my decision to be here and not with him etc... Even on this forum, I am deliberately not including information about where I am and where he is in case he reads it and figures out it's me (I'm aware that makes me sound like a crazy person!)

The relationship dynamic is that "we" have problems even though the reason we are living apart is because of the awful things he did. all of the horrible things he did were because of my family or his BPD or his mother who he says was really horrible when he was a child, but any issues now can be solved. I try to bring it back to specifics, like the way he behaved when our baby way born and how awful he was to us, but then he tries to turn it around to there being lots of relationship issues and how I am half of the relationship therefore half of the issue and how if we both try harder it'll all be fine.

I so badly want to believe that it'll all be fine, but I know that it probably won't. How do I go about trying to reconfigure all of my plans to this new reality?

[Pinkcowgirl]

I have no words of encouragement. All I can say is that I am in the same boat! I have two small children with a husband, who I think has BPD. I am living with my parents and trying to decide what I should do as well. Its just nice to know I'm not alone, I hope its encouraging for you as well.

[Inneedofhelp]

I am finally discovering that we are all not alone in our pain and confusion of having a partner wBPD. I have been married for 17 years, 6 of which we have been living separate but he is my life and my house constantly because of our children (8 and 12), and my denial that it was so bad. From what I have learned recently about BPD (and he is undiagnosed but fits almost all of the symptoms exactly-more on end of narcissism too) it will not get better, and for me it has gotten worse. The untrue accusations, the raging, the walking on eggshells all have caused me to feel uneasy and stressed most of the time. It is good if you have support-i have kept all of this to myself and away from my family out of trying not to stress them. I have begun to take steps to heal but his threats and anger are worse I think because I am detaching and his illness makes him react strongly to that feeling of abandonment. What really hit me a few days ago was that a therapist I finally confided in told me he was emotionally blackmailing me and it is unacceptable to live like a hostage to his BPD. Please know that we are all here to try and support each other through these decisions.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hello and welcome. It sounds like a really tough time for you.

How supportive are your parents of you and your baby? *IF* you decide not to go back, will you be comfortable staying with them for a while (months or a couple years even) as you sort this out?

He is in my thoughts all of the time. I'm afraid of what he will say when he finds out that I have met my friends for coffee (inevitable question of who knows what and who did I talk to and what did they say) Everything I say I run through the filter of what will he say? Will this annoy him? Will this anger him?

Acknowledging that you are afraid like this is a good starting point.

May I ask specifically what you are afraid he might do or say?

I so badly want to believe that it'll all be fine, but I know that it probably won't. How do I go about trying to reconfigure all of my plans to this new reality?

Chances are he won't be getting better--he won't magically stop doing what you are afraid of. (See above question... .)

Some things, you have the power to protect yourself from while staying in your marriage. This isn't easy, but it is possible, and we've got the tools to help you here on this site. (Again, specific problems are better for us to support you.)

My suggestion--while you are living long-distance, work on what you can do to improve your r/s with him at this distance, and evaluate how that is going before you return--I expect that going back with a new baby will add stresses and make things worse, at least in the short term, so don't do it until you feel more comfortable with your new skills and tools.