For What It Is Worth Doing Better Today

[nowwhatz]

This week has been almost crippling for me but today is a better day. I realize this is a roller coaster ride that will not end immediately but I am hopeful the rest of the ride won't be as bumpy.

A few things happened that helped.

Today I spoke with a good friend who is a college professor. She is as logical as it gets but at one point in her life she went through recovery for alcohol.  I briefly confided in her the basics of what I was going through and my addiction to exBPDgf and she said unhealthy r/s addiction is almost like food addiction. You can't just stop eating. For heroin addicts there is methadone and prescription addicts are often weaned off the drugs. There are more medical options then just going cold turkey, which basically is what NC is.     It is tough going and yes we should pat ourselves on the back for having the courage to try rather then beating ourselves up.

Since I have been around here a while I went back and reread some old posts which indicated I had had success in the past in detaching... .somebody said it is like climbing Mt. Everest... .rough going but to not give up until you get to the top is admirable. As recently as last December xmas time I read how I had detached slowly over a period of month and was actually elated when we broke it off.  Reading this and knowing it was from me helped me remember the feeling of getting closer to the summit.

I will need to figure out what happened during the whirlwind "friendship" that occurred shortly thereafter which sent me tumbling down the mountain. It seems it was not a "friendship" but actually a replay of the beginnings of our intense r/s with all the BPD bells and whistles... .and expiration date 45 days... .always about 45 days.

Ok... .I hope some of what I have written will help those of you who are going through this.

[Mutt]

Hi nowwhatz,

I'm sorry you had a difficult week.

I'm sorry if I might be getting this wrong.

You had a whirlwind friendship in Dec '14.

She idealized you for 45 days.

You note her idealization phases last 45 days in general followed by devaluation.

[nowwhatz]

Hi nowwhatz,

I'm sorry you had a difficult week.

I'm sorry if I might be getting this wrong.

You had a whirlwind friendship in Dec '14.

She idealized you for 45 days.

You note her idealization phases last 45 days in general followed by devaluation.

Thank you Mutt!

Here is kind of what happened.

We were together for our longest r/s 13 months.

She moved out of my house in Nov 14   I was delighted.

We broke up on Christmas eve Dec 14   I was disappointed it had failed but had detached from her enough by the end of 2014 I felt at peace.  We agreed to stay friends because we had good communication.

I left her alone for about 7 days. She started to contact me requesting things. I said no.

She stopped requesting things but in Jan we started going out together as friends.

Within a week we were having sex together and she started idealizing me.

We called it a "friendship" but really it was dating.

She started to become very close to me and I to her.

I got sick the 2nd week of Feb and could not see her.

When I saw her again a little later she was very cold to me and detached.

She asked me to pay to turn on her phone to talk to her Mom in Mexico who had had a stroke a week before. I caved and paid for the phone.

A few days later she told me she had sex with 2 different guys over the next few days and was ashamed and felt used. When I met with her to discuss it became 3 different guys. I asked if she used protection and she said no then yes but really it is no (her first answer always the truth). She was obnoxious and arrogant and rubbing it in my face but I got the message across that what she did was gross. I told her no more sex with me.

I was upset because we had agree that although we were "friends" we would let the other know if we were to see other people.  She said it just happened. She was ashamed not because of anything she did but because she was used for sex. All the guys said goodbye.

She started to gaslight me saying she didn't agree to anything etc.

I felt like a fool and idiot and realized I was not safe with her.

She called me last Sunday night wanting to go out.  I took her out with the intent of saying goodbye.

At the end of the night I told her I did not feel safe with her and I could not see her for a long time because I needed to heal from the damages, and that I get nothing, nothing out of the friendship and r/s, and that friends are supposed to show compassion  and care for each other, and be able to trust each other.

She was in shock like a zombie. I sent her a text telling to reiterate how I felt and said goodbye.

I have had a rough week being financially strained and dealing with the NC which I messed up on and broke 3 days ago.

My take on this whole thing is that she lost me at the end of the year and realized it. She needed me again so we became "friends" in name only and had a hot r/s for about 45 days beginning in Jan.  When we got close she pushed me away by behaving... .sorry to say... .like a p_ta.  She was ashamed and thought all would be ok.  

Well Mutt maybe I said too much but yes it seems like our periods of idealized crazyness lasts about 45 days.

I hope I will have a good weekend.   Thank you so much for listening and for your interest.  I really appreciate it.

[Mutt]

Breaking up over the holidays - that's tough .

It's a kind gesture paying for her phone to talk to her mom.

My take on this whole thing is that she lost me at the end of the year and realized it.

I think that's a good assessment.

She has an acute fear of being alone, lacks a stable sense of self, lacks personal boundaries and fears rejection real or perceived.

It sounds like she's looking for an attachment with sex with different men?

She's been rejected by 3 men and getting rejected by another may be why she shocked like a zombie. It's an awful lot of physical intimacy and rejection.

You were giving closure explaining why it's not working.

Both are going through their own difficulties.

I hope your weekend looks brighter.

[nowwhatz]

Breaking up over the holidays - that's tough .

It's a kind gesture paying for her phone to talk to her mom.

My take on this whole thing is that she lost me at the end of the year and realized it.

I think that's a good assessment.

She has an acute fear of being alone, lacks a stable sense of self, lacks personal boundaries and fears rejection real or perceived.

It sounds like she's looking for an attachment with sex with different men?

She's been rejected by 3 men and getting rejected by another may be why she shocked like a zombie. It's an awful lot of physical intimacy and rejection.

You were giving closure explaining why it's not working.

Both are going through their own difficulties.

I hope your weekend looks brighter.

Thanks Mutt! I will try hard to have a good weekend. May have to turn into a zombie myself tonight and get a good night's sleep.

Yes I think my assessment is correct... .almost like a textbook case.

In all of our recycles and breakups this was the first time I really dumped her... .like you say rejected her. She was very depressed that night because of "other" things she said she did and I think expected me to be her muse.

You know the period of idealization and closeness is almost magical and then she pulls away, loses the intimacy she wants from one of the few who can provide it, then sends me into a tailspin.  Also textbook.