Parents and sister a risk to my life

[Snakes]

I only recently realised just how much damage all three cause me on a regular basis. I'm not sure which categories each of them fits into but they are without a doubt BPD. Unable to let me live by myself but at the same time getting angry at me for them doing everything for me.

I thought for the longest time that things had improved since they all stopped hitting me, but recently I've been seeing more physical abuse precursors in my dad and sister
 My mum is physically disabled and manipulates my dad a lot into acting on her behalf. She also uses it as a way of instilling guilt. Whenever I am sick or in pain with my disability and health issues, she uses her condition as a way of saying that I'm just being selfish. I'm always selfish when I do anything for myself or other people.

I'm not supposed to be living with my parents in their adapted home, but they moved out and left me as the tenant of the home I share with my sister. Who is not merely BPD but exhibits signs of sociopathy. She only has to tell a lie about me being in her way or doing something wrong and my parents drag me back to their house without warning. I can't say no or they get more insistent.

Between all three of them I feel trapped and constantly afraid for my health. My parents are deliberately keeping me sick and have denied me trips to the hospital several times for issues that were or could have been serious.

I honestly don't know what to do since they demand involvement in anything I do related to housing or healthcare. My sister doesn't do that so much but she gets extremely aggressive when I ask for any help.

It just feels like they're all pulling me down and I can't escape. But I hope that by discussing my problems I can try to resolve them or at least help others realise that it isn't normal for your family to treat strangers' children better than you.

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi,

If this was happening to someone I know, I would call adult or child protective services immediately. NO ONE should have to suffer abuse to this degree. Hitting? Prohibiting medical treatment? Not allowing you to reside where you would like to live?
There is a lot going on there and it sounds like you all need intervention. Can you call yourself? It will be anonymous. Can you call a trusted friend?

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome to the board.

Can I ask how you are trapped in this situation.  Is it related to the disability you mentioned or financially or both?  Something else?  Just trying to get a better feel for the parameters of you situation so i don't make impossible suggestions.

I do agree with Harvest_Moon that the situation sounds dire and the actions reportable.  Have you sought help?

[Snakes]

I'm financially trapped, mostly. The rest is mostly guilt because of my dad's suicidal thoughts and my mum's disability. But then, they all call me selfish no matter what I do.
I'm also trapped because I live in a small city and I can't move too far away because I'm currently in higher education and don't have a car. I need to be within bus or train distance. Which is nothing to my dad to drive. My parents will show up on my doorstep no matter where I go.
I also have a lot of things important to my education and future career that are either expensive or impossible to replace. They're all packed away in random boxes only my dad can access in the attic (I have stunted growth from childhood malnutrition, mostly caused by my parents, so can't reach a lot of places they all can) and have been for a few years since they have the philosophy of "it doesn't matter if you need it or not, it's making a mess".

[Panda39]

I had a thought, since you are already at school maybe they have some resources that could be helpful to you.

It's been a long time since I was in College but does your college or University have a health center of their own?  If so that might be a place to go for assistance (Medical & Therapy) or do you have a school counselor/adviser that you can talk to?

Take Care,
Panda39

[Snakes]

Unfortunately my college hasn't got a facility like that. I was trying to contact a counselor but they kept giving me appointments during class time. I am trying to talk to my family doctor about it since they're aware of my family's mental and physical health issues. However, they're also the same GP practice that let my mum's condition degrade to the point that she is the way she is, so I do have problems putting my trust in them.

An additional reason that I just haven't dropped everything and gone is that my parents have my pet bearded dragon. The same one they regularly threaten to sell if I don't do what they want me to and don't know how to look after when I go back to my house. When they drag me back after I've been home for a few weeks she's often not been fed or given any water and her heat lights are off. I can't leave her with them and no doubt they'll hold her ransom if I try to break away.

[Snakes]

It's just so hard with my parents because unlike my sister they have had bad problems in the past with family. I can see where their BPD came from. But they will refuse treatment. My dad has been on antidepressants for decades now. I do wonder if it's the result of a terrible misdiagnosis but when I discussed it with my mum when she wasn't so bad but he was getting close to kicking down doors again (not implying that anybody else in the family could have it), she said "if I suggested that he would divorce me". I'm not sure if maybe I should just bring it up on one of his better days and risk being in the firing line since there's not much better I can do to make them aware of their own mental health. I love my parents. They're good people when they're happy, but they're completely unaware of the damage they cause and have caused to me. Yesterday my dad condemned alcoholics that beat their children but completely forgot the times he was smashed and hit or kicked me so hard for minor annoyances that I fainted. I'm sympathetic to everything they went through, but they never learn or apologise for doing things they condemn other parents for. It's different for them in their mind because they were doing it "out of love" for me. They ironically don't want me to get hurt or make mistakes. Anything they do to me is my own fault because I don't know better and they need to protect me.

That's why no matter where I go, they will find me. They hurt me but at the same time they worry about me.
They see me being out of their sight or without their financial control as me breaking through a security fence and roaming free. And that I have to be scared away from doing anything they don't want me to do.

[Harri]

Snakes, do I understand you have your own home but your parents bring you back to theirs?  If so, do you want to be able to say no I don't want to go or are you willing to go and it just turns bad once you get there?

[Snakes]

My parents come over if I'm at my house for too long and straight up tell me to pack my bags. If I say no they kick off at me and insist. If I keep saying no they will go away but come back the next day and be even more forceful.
Sometimes they even trick me into staying which is why I'm there now. I only came over because it was my dad's birthday. They let my sister and her partner go home but as I was getting ready to go they just left in the taxi without me and I've not been back for longer than a few hours since. This was in January.
I can't be away for too long anyway because of my lizard but it's almost always my family being forceful or deceitful that gets me here. I'm scared to visit because of that.
I could be doing important college work at home but then I could meet my dad in the same supermarket and then after I've brought the food back home, they'll both show up again. Completely negating the whole thing because the food I just bought will stay uneaten and rot on top of the work not being completed to hand in on time. But if I mention it my parents say I can go home but I'm "too lazy" to get up and do it, even though literally the next day if I did that, they would be back. All that stuff I had to shift and all its gonna do is go all the way back. My dad will also kick off because he "has" to drive me back and forth.
My sister also gets worse with me by the hour if I don't go back with them but at least I can avoid her in the house, stay upstairs and only come down when she's asleep or at work. My parents can't work so they have almost no restrictions for when they can show up at the house and do what they want. As long as they have a key, they can.

[Fie]

Hello Snakes,

What a terrible situation to find yourself in.   
You must feel very anxious at times.

Do you feel as if anxiety is sometimes paralyzing you ? Like, you wish you could change the locks of your house, but you just don't know how to do that, how to take action ?

Or, you wish  to go home, but you just don't know how to proceed, because if feels endless, knowing they will be on your doorstep a few days later ?

xxx

[Snakes]

I'm basically incapable of changing the locks because I will still live with my sister and she will always give them a key. For all that she can treat our parents with disrespect if I try to break away more and be more independent, she starts calling me selfish and spoiled and other words I don't think I can type.

I feel like I'm unable to invest any time into anything worthwhile because I have three people constantly on my back watching and judging. Even when they're not around I'm afraid anything I do will get back to them eventually.

My parents are going to let me go home this weekend, but I'm not sure for how long, or what my sister will think of it since she she basically demands that weekends are when I can't be seen or heard, and if I don't keep out of her sight then she only has to make a phone call to get me taken away again.

[Snakes]

Things are definitely worse now. My parents are gaslighting me about the physical abuse from when I was a child and my dad has come off of his depression medication, making him more violent and threaten me more.
I can feel myself barely functioning with all the yelling, throwing things and blame.
I spoke to my doctor yesterday about it and I've been given a number for a careline. I might call later today if I have somewhere away from them I can go to speak.
My dog also hurt himself the other day and my parents keep yelling at me for worrying about him and wanting to take him to a vet.
It reminds me of when I broke my wrist when I was a kid and I was screaming in pain while my mum kept rubbing it, saying I was making a fuss over nothing. Only stopping once it started to turn blue, while my sister laughed at me and my dad kept believing there was nothing wrong or that it wasn't that serious  He got really angry at me about it, even when I walked out of A&E with a cast on my arm, about "wasting" time in the hospital.
He was the same with our old cat when he hurt her back, and she was never the same since. I don't want my poor dog to be another victim of my parents' stubbornness.

[Panda39]

My dog also hurt himself the other day and my parents keep yelling at me for worrying about him and wanting to take him to a vet.
It reminds me of when I broke my wrist when I was a kid and I was screaming in pain while my mum kept rubbing it, saying I was making a fuss over nothing. Only stopping once it started to turn blue, while my sister laughed at me and my dad kept believing there was nothing wrong or that it wasn't that serious  He got really angry at me about it, even when I walked out of A&E with a cast on my arm, about "wasting" time in the hospital.
He was the same with our old cat when he hurt her back, and she was never the same since. I don't want my poor dog to be another victim of my parents' stubbornness.

Snakes... .about the dog and about your wrist as a kid... .none of this is "stubbornness" it is neglect.  I'm sorry about your wrist and your dog   Neither a child's injury or a pets injury should be brushed off or ignored.

Have you tried calling the number your doctor gave you?  They might be able to provide some resources that are helpful to you.

Panda39

[Snakes]

I did call the number but I waited, but there was no answer. So I called a national helpline instead. The only time I was able to was during college hours, but they gave me hope. Unfortunately there is still the daunting act of having to figure out how I can take the things I can't replace with me if I have to go into a refuge, like they suggested. Also how I would be able to keep going to college while all of this is happening. I might have to work it out and see what happens in the summer, but my parents are still getting worse. My dad kicked off yesterday and my mum let me make my own way back from college. There's this place I go to when I really can't stand to be at their house, and I go there after class. They're usually ok with me being there but my phone died and I wasn't able to call them to let them know I was there. When I got home my mum was really angry at me and both of them still are today. Mum threatened that if I tried to be independent like that again that they would ALWAYS pick me up from college. Like I was still in school. The thing is, when I was in school they let me walk home by myself and with my sister when I was younger. What did they think I did at my house? Call up my sister at her work every time I was going home? It just seems that the more I try to break away, the tighter their grip gets.
The hotline mentioned an advocate trying to meet up with me and help me through trying to find a way of untangling all the legal and financial  controls that have been put over me in the last 10 years. I asked that I only be contacted through my Google email so I can see them on my phone in secret. Just hope that my security app works so I know if she tries to get on it I will know.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad to hear you called the national helpline and are open to getting help for your situation. 

Did you tell them or ask them about taking certain belongings that you wish to keep and that you want to continue to stay in classes?  If you had to take a semester off, would you be okay with that giving your situation?

[Snakes]

I really don't want to take another year out of college. I had to take two out due to health reasons and this time is basically last chance saloon.
Regarding my belongings, its an extremely difficult problem. There are a lot of expensive or irreplaceable things I can't abandon that I don't know where they are and can't immediately access. The more I go through things I can leave behind in my head the more I'm reminded of those other things that I have to find. There's also the problem of my pet reptile that I can't leave behind, either since my family doesn't know how to look after it and it will get sick if I'm not there.

[Harri]

I see.  Okay, I hope you can meet with the advocate the hotline mentioned to help you sort out the particulars of your situation, establish a safety plan and set priorities.

keep us posted on how the meeting goes.