Daughter's cell phone

[dtkm]

I work on Tuesdays and Thursdays from early in the morning to later afternoon.  On these days, I take our D3 to the daycare lady's house and my uBPDh gets the older 3 ready and off to school.  Since he is so unpredictable, and I never know if he will get my oldest son up for basketball practice that is before school, I set my son's alarm and call him to make sure he is up.  My son gets ready on his own and heads out the door before the other kids are woken up.  So he literally doesn't have to do anything for him.  Once again because he is so unpredictable and I don't know how much he will do, I get the kids backpacks ready before I leave, put out my youngest son's clothes and anything else that may be needed for the day.  Literally, all my H needs to do is wake the kids up, get breakfast ready and assist our youngest in getting dressed...then walk them to school.  I text him and all of the kids to make sure they are up and getting ready and then continue to text them as they need. My H was up at 4:15 am this morning, so he should have plenty of time to get the kids ready!  According to my kids, dad ignores all but S6 and they pretty much do everything on their own anyway.  This morning, my H was in a bad mood as usual since I am going to work.  I call my oldest son and he is good.  I then send my text and I get no response.  Which is unusual as my D9 usually responds and asks me questions, etc.  I then get a text from her ipad, telling me that she can't find her phone.  I saw it before I left, so of course the first thing that comes to my mind is that my H hid it (he has done this in the past with my S12).  I tell her that I know I saw it on the counter this morning and suggest other places to look.  She looks everywhere and still nothing.  I then tell her not to worry about it, that I will find it when I get home...he usually puts the phone back once he is "finished" with it or whatever his reasoning was behind taking it is accomplished...probably so that my daughter couldn't contact me.  It was obvious that she couldn't find her phone as she always responds to our group text and there was nothing from her this morning.  My daughter then texts me that she found her phone...it was under a pile of clothes that my H had put on the counter this morning...obviously the clothes were put there on purpose as they were not there when I left this morning and in fact, there was lots of open space on the counter when I left, no need to bury the phone under them.  My question is what do I do about this?  I can move forward and "not talk about" the false accusations, the yelling at me and anything that he does to me, it is what it is and while it hurts and causes me anxiety, I have learned how to deal with it and where it comes from in him.  BUT...I am not ok doing the same when it comes to my kids.  While this behavior is NOT ok, it is def not ok directed at kids!  I can't imagine doing the same thing to my stepdaughter.  Any suggestions as to how to handle this? 

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[kells76]

Hi dtkm;

You really have a full house! Even with my H's two kids, some weekends feel pretty crazy, with trying to figure out who needs to be where and when. It's smart that you are finding ways to step the kids up into taking responsibility for themselves. Sounds like a great setup for your oldest son -- if he really cares about basketball, then he'll participate in taking responsibility for getting himself up on time and getting there on time. What a gift for him 

Generally speaking, one mindset approach you could try about your H's parenting, that might help, is to be in the mindset of: "He could do better, and he is doing his best." That isn't to say that you can mind-read about his motivations or effort. It's more a mindset for you, to help you get to an effective place of not being wound up about what he is or isn't doing, but to move forward to problem solving.

Yes, it would be great if he did better and were more involved. That would be a good thing. It's important to be honest about that, versus (and I don't think either of us are thinking this) "oh, he just can't do any better, I shouldn't be so hard on him".

And -- what you see is what you get. He may be operating at the limit of his parenting ability. That parenting ability may be much lower than other dads, and/or lower than it should be... and it is what it is. It may "help" to assume that this is the level at which he'll continue to operate for the foreseeable future. That can free you up to stop beating your head against the brick wall of "how can I make him step it up" and walk around the brick wall to "how can I empower the kids to problemsolve for themselves".

...

Drilling down into the cell phone issue...

again, he shouldn't be inconsiderate -- but we don't know what was going on in his head. He may have been deliberately provoking -- or, if BPD is involved, he may have been so wound up in his own inner chaos that it literally didn't go through his mind "I should watch out for where I put the clothes". The "nice" thing is that we don't have to know what he was thinking, or why, in order to help your D9 find some workable solutions.

I wonder if you and D9 could do a craft together of making a cute little box or basket to put in the kitchen for her phone (or, if it's big enough, for everyone's phones). Maybe set it near an outlet, have a charger attached? You can agree that if she sets her phone down in the kitchen, that is the only place it will go. She'd have to learn a new habit, but (like basketball for your older son), if her phone is really important to her, and it sucks not to know where it is, then this is a solution -- she would know that she has to be the one in charge of where her phone gets set down.

My thought is that it sucks when a parent has BPD. It is so frustrating not to be able to cooperate effectively to parent. Sometimes it is more constructive to bypass trying to get the pwBPD to see something, or to do something, or to change, and to work directly with the kids. This also bypasses blaming "whose fault it was" and moves to solutions without saying "you should have... he shouldn't have".

Tough stuff -- hope there's some good food for thought in there.

[dtkm]

Another Monday is upon us and of course, my uBPDh is back in his mode. As usual I have no idea why except that I work tomorrow. Tonight he got mad at me for taking our kids up to bed at 8:30 pm (kids are 3, 6 and 9). They want to go up to bed, we watch tv for 30 minutes and then bed, but like usual the kids were asleep by 8:45. I gave them the choice, but he wouldn’t know as he was watching tv in his office, not spending time with the kids anyway. Ugh!  He then came upstairs yelling at me that since I brought the kids up so early that t I needed to tell my 12s that he needed to turn his phone off by 10. He then went and did so and then when I went to tell my son not to worry about it he started yelling at me that I am a cheater and a hoar and I sleep with all of my kids coaches and he wants a divorce and I need to work more and I just mooch off of every one and I and I and I…I set up a play date with my daughter with a soccer friend for Wed morning at the park 5 minutes from our house. He is refusing to let me take our daughter as he says that I am going to meet someone and have sex. He is so crazy. I sent him all of the screen shots of the messages and he said they were fake. I said to look at our joint email to see that they are not…and he started in on he is not happy and I am a child and I am a hoar and he has logged every time that I have taken the kids to do activities without him cause he is busy with work and he wants a divorce and give him a divorce and blah blah blah. I recorded his crap. So at least I have that. I want to scream that everything he is saying is him but I know it will only make things worse. I don’t get his issue with me doing something with the kids. My daughter deserves to have a play date, she is so excited to go. He is forbidding me to do so. I told him that it would be great if he set something up with a dad and a child. Of course no response. What am I supposed to do?  Round and round we go. I know it’s the weekly rounds, I’m just over it.

[dtkm]

So the night continued on...usually when this happens my h stays up all night watching tv, not coming up to go to bed, I take care of the kids all night, etc.  Last night, after his outburst, he went downstairs to watch the NBA game and sent me numerous texts stating the same information that he loudly said to me earlier.  I responded saying "good night".  He continued and I did not respond.  He then came up to bed and rudely said "where's the remote".  Not wanting to interact with him, I pointed to my side table, to which he grabs the remote.  Some back story on the TV in our bedroom...with my h moving back into the house we had extra tvs.  We do not have TVs in any of the bedrooms, as we don't want the kids in their rooms all of the time by themselves and we don't want the same for us.  I don't really watch TV, so this isn't an issue for me.  When we put a TV in our room, it was agreed that this would be used for a movie in bed on the weekends, 30 minutes before bedtime during other nights and on the rare occasion other times, but it was not a tv to be used all of the time.  Until last night, thats how it had been used.  He grabs the remote and climbs in bed, moving our son to be cuddled up with him (yes our 2 youngest sleep in bed with us, my 9 year old sleeps on a mattress on our floor and his 12 year old sleeps on the couch in our room!).  He then gets up and stands right next to my daughter to put an action, gun shooting movie on.  He gets back in bed, he moves all around, he gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom, he gets back in bed, he moves all around.  He then moves in between our 2 kids which wakes my daughter up who starts crying for me.  She climbs to fall asleep laying on top of me.  I finally fall asleep, so I don't know the antics that went on after that!  He has always been very admit that he doesn't want to wake us up when he goes into this mood.  But last night it just seemed like he needed attention and since I wasn't giving it to him he just was causing all sorts of disruptions.  This morning I am in a mood where I don't really want to interact with him.
 I don't want drama, I just want to be there for my kids and do my work.  He is interacting way more than usual, its kind of throwing me off!  I am and will be courteous, but I can't just drop my feelings towards him!  Back to him refusing to let me take my daughter to a playdate on Wednesday.  I am lost as to what to do.  Every ounce of me says that taking her is the correct thing to do!  It's a playdate with a mom and a 3 year old girl!  Why I am even questioning it, makes me feel crazy!  He says that I plan all sorts of activities with the kids when he is busy with work...he goes to the gym for 2+ hours every morning or afternoon leaving me to take care of the kids and he has never asked me for "approval" to go.  He shouldn't have to, it would be nice to know when he is going, but in reality it doesnt matter as I take care of the kids all of the time anyways.  I looked at our security camera and saw that last wednesday he was gone from 6:49 am to 9:43 am and it didn't mess with his work time, he says he is so busy on Wednesdays that I can't schedule anything on them as he can't attend.  Well, this isn't for you, but if you want to go, you can go with us until 9:43 like last Wednesday!  Any suggestions as to how to deal with this tomorrow?  Do I reschedule?  Do I go and risk a blow up?  UGH!   

[Elvis42]

dtkm,
  wish I had an answer for you. I know from personal experience how tough it can being living with someone you love "acting", I'm not sure that is the appropriate word, in the manner your uBPDh is acting. And how frustrating, exhausting, and any other adjective you can imagine.
 My solution when I was facing such a situation was to just do it and face the wrath that came afterwards. I unfortunately learned much too late that it not only affected me but our son and grandson. Because everyone in the house, and facebook, tik tok, you name it I was the topic of many a discussions about her worthless so and so, who was having sex with everyone in the apartment complex and so on.
 This is probably not a solution, but do you know the other mom very well? do you trust her with your daughter? maybe have the other mom pickup your daughter and take her to the play date?  I can imagine that's not at all what you would vision, unfortunately sometimes I had to resort to friends and family that I trusted to help me through a situation. I still would be reprimanded about my decision, you know horrible husband, how could you do that and of course the whole time I was being questioned as to when the child is going to return. It just came down to that was the best solution I could manage at that moment in time. Of course I was saddened that I wasn't with him, at least he got to do something he really enjoyed and got away from that chaos in the home even if was just for a little bit. I think that was one of the biggest reason he couldn't wait to start school. To get away from the chaos, for even part of the day.
 It's tough no matter what when kids are involved, because the person with BPD doesn't even realize or consider that their actions affect not just them, but everyone around them.
 Hope you have a better day tomorrow than you had today :-)

[dtkm]

Ugh, it has been a week!  Luckily I didn’t have to deal with the play date as our friend was sick and had to cancel. It was very interesting though, he went to the gym and arrived home at 9:01 to jump on a meeting, it was as if he had planned the meeting to make a point. He was then in and out of the office the rest of the day and he left to do errands twice both, though my daughter did not want to go with him when he asked. He could have put that time aside to play with her at a play date!  Night rolls around and it hits 8:45 and I say I am going up to bed, knowing that if my 3 year old isn’t in bed by 9 all hell breaks loose with her. When I say that, my 6 and 9 year olds say me too!  My 3 year old says me too, dad are you coming up. He say he is finishing work and then he will. I go up and urge my 3 year old to get in bed, knowing I will get yelled at if I tell her it’s bed time, I let her go up and down stairs between me and my h. He then comes up stairs and my daughter can’t calm down. It now 9:30 and she is crying like crazy. There was nothing that could be done, she was past her time and she was in meltdown mode. My h climbs in bed and does absolutely nothing. I eventually bring her to bed with me and she calms and falls asleep. The next night he was in a middle mood. He comes up to bed at 1 am wanting to have sex. His mood semi shifts. He actually communicates with me when I speak to him!  And sends a heart back to me through text. My oldest had a basketball game that night. I get home and my h barely acknowledges me, so I knew we were back in a mode, he then gives me the look of death when I change out of my work clothes before we leave. We go to the game. He doesn’t speak the entire ride. We get to the game and he watches his phone the whole time, entering random people’s birthdays onto his calendar. I interact with all of the other parents. The game ends and he gets up and runs out of the gym. I stay and wait for my son and talk to the coach as he was telling me what a special son I have. We start to walk out to the car and the coach says bye to my husband, he completely ignores him. We get in the car and my h extremely rudely says to me I thought there were two games. I said no, it’s the play offs it’s lose and go home. Well you had 2 hours blocked off for basketball so what’s up with that. I said that my calendar is on repeat. If you look six months from now you will see the same. He goes back at me. I tell him I am done talking. He then starts in on me, see every time you are lying you don’t want to talk, blah blah blah yell yell yell accusation accusation accusation swears swears swears. I ask him to stop as there are kids in the car and he tells me he doesn’t car that kids are around!  He says that he isn’t happy, he wants out, etc. I remain quiet. We get home. My daughter wants me to carry her in and not him. So he walks in the house and holds the door for everyone and then closes the door as I am about to walk to it holding my daughter and backpack. He has made a big deal in the past that you hold the door for everyone. I walk inside and say that closing the door is not setting a good example for the kids. He then starts yelling at me, say one more thing and I am filing for divorce, go for it say it…all I am saying is to please follow what example you want to set for the kids and to not do this in front of the kids. He is screaming and sweaty and threatening me. I say all I am going to say is please do not do this in front of the kids. All of the kids are panicking. He then say f it I’m doing it anyway and goes into the office. My 3D follows him and says dad you need to be nice to mommy. He not nicely says go tell your mother that, go see your mother, she says mom is being nice and repeats you need to be nice dad over and over. He keeps telling her to leave. After a bit, she comes out to me and says mom please be nice. I said I apologize if I am not being nice. She drops it. I sit down for dinner, 2 of my kids sit down with me. My stepdaughter comes over to sit with us too. My h sees and asks her to go upstairs with him. She comes downstairs about to cry and can’t bare to look at me. Obviously she was told she can’t talk to me or be near me. The night continues on with all of the kids wanting to be with me and not their dad. This morning I sent a text to my stepdaughter to tell her that I worry about her, know that she was told not to speak time and that I will play along for her sake. And that I am here for her if she needs anything. My 6s refused to go to school which is the pattern as he has told me in the last that he is afraid to come home and me not be here and that he needs to stay home to protect me.  Who knows if he filed last night or not, time will tell I guess!  At this point I am tired and these kids deserve so much more!  I don’t get how my step daughters mom just allows this.

[dtkm]

Sorry for the journal, but it’s the only place I know I can document and it will be stored. Last night my h switched back and came up wanting to have sex. As I write this, that seems like a pattern. We have good conversation in the morning. We head to my son’s basketball. Of course, since clearly I sleep with every person who has ever coached any of my kids, he gets in a mood the second we walk in the building. I sit and talk to the other mom’s, mostly to the coaches wife. Part way through the game, my son’s gets shoved down and can”t get up. He is dizzy, can’t see, etc. My h couldn’t care, he tells me it’s because he didn’t get a call that he wanted. I get him back to the athletic trainers office. My h could care less still. We watch the rest of the game. My h is focused on leaving to get his daughter food, even though I had snacks and there was a snack bar at the place.  I went in to get my son and then told coach that I was going to take my son home. We get home and my h couldn’t care less about my son even though he still can’t walk. I bring him up to bed. After an hour, I check on him and he is still the same. I call the on call nurse who says to bring my son to the ER. My h says I’m crazy and that he is fine and that I need to bring my 3 year old as she will keep asking about me. So I take my son and 3 kids with me to the ER. After 4 hours we leave with a diagnosis and antibiotics. My h ignores that anything is wrong or that we were at the ER and he doesn’t even mention anything, he just starts telling “our” two kids how amazing they are and being overly crazy with them. The night continues on and ends with him yelling at me all of the same crap as usual, adding comments that he would only know if he had my phone tapped. He has taken pictures down and is walking around saying I am a 2 year old. This is scary…

[dtkm]

Journaling some more…my uBPDh won’t pay a bill, is late paying the mortgage every month, rarely buys groceries (especially for anyone other than himself), can’t buy clothes for the kids or shoes for the kids, can’t pay for the kids activities or school things, but told our 6S this morning that he was taking him to buy him a desktop computer, for video games. He was upset that the kids were wanting to be with me after his outbursts last night and this had to buy his love. Anything that is mentioned now, he says he will buy it for our kids. Our S6 mentioned to him that my sister is taking him somewhere fun, and he said well I can that if you want. This morning he promised the kids he would take a bath with them, and then backed out last minute leaving our D3 crying. He has promised our S6 that he is going to take him to play basketball lots…I know that’s another false promise. He has promised the older kids the world and done nothing. While I am happy that our son is happy (and that I don’t have to pay for the computer), it obvious that this is manipulation and he is buying their love, which is NOT healthy for my kids!  And what am I supposed to say when he doesn’t pay the mortgage…my only thought is that we have a joint investment and to send him a text saying that his half will be used to pay the mortgage since it is his responsibility. This is scary!