The break-up discussion 2nd thread

[Isa_lala]

I will translate the email I sent him (we are both French speaking) and will post it here so you can give me your comments

Thank you


Topic split from  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=290418.60

[Isa_lala]

Here is what I wrote. I realize by reading it the day after that it was not the right way to say it….

I am writing you because I do not have the courage to face your anger on the phone. I made the decision to end our relationship. I love you, but I cannot live like this. It is a very difficult decision, but one of us must take it. I think I've tried everything (I may be mistaken) for you to have confidence in me and love me for who I am for real. I failed. There are lots of thing that I've missed in this relationship by the way... .I did nothing of what should have been done. I do not leave you for someone else but for me because this relationship doesn’t suit me anymore. I am unable to talk to you tonight, I'm devastated and I know you're going to hate me and be mad at me. Sorry, I do not have the courage to spend the same evening as last night. We will let the tension down and talk calmly material issues

I love and have always loved you because you are a good person, but we are not happy together

I think I will rethink my next communication to him ... .

[thisworld]

Thank you for sharing this Isa-lala.

So, you have said a lot of good things to him, expressed your emotions openly and honestly and did it the best way you could.

When you read it today, you seem to be more critical about it. What do you see in it today? What are its good points (this isn't a bad, wrong, negative letter anyway ). And what do you think you would like to do differently?

We can use our own communication for learning purposes and we get better, stronger very quickly by the way. This is positive and good for everyone involved including your ex-boyfriend. The more stable we are in our decisions the better for them as well. And it can give us clues about our next communication.

[Isa_lala]

This world

I think my message is too sweet, not direct enough

And as my bf doesn't want to accept the break up, he probably selected only the parts that are positive

I need to write to him to be clearer : I will not go back and change my decision

Then, the anger will come

[Isa_lala]

Here is the email I sent him (translation)

I know that you refuse that we break up because it's too hard to accept. I know that you are trying to make me reconsider my decision because you still believe in us. I would probably do the same thing if I were in your shoes.

But I do not believe in us anymore. I have believed for the last 3 years but I am a bit like you: it lasts, it lasts, it lasts, but one day, it's over. And I got there. Despite our boys, despite what we built together, I cannot, I don’t want. I don’t feel any anger or bitterness, just sadness and resignation and great determination. I want to stop this relationship. I will not change my decision.

When you will accept this, anger against me will come. You'll hate me. You want to know where I live: I temporarily rented a small apartment because I know that when the anger will overwhelm you, I don’t want to be there physically.

I would like taking 2-3 days without contact, for us to digest everything and we could talk again this Friday during the day. 

Know that nobody has all the wrongs. In a couple, we are two and there is not ONE good person and ONE bad person. We are both good persons

[Isa_lala]

From now on I would go no contact

[thisworld]

Have you sent this, yet?

[northernlight]

Hi there.  I've been following this thread because it resonates hugely with me.  I too am trying to find a way to word a breakup after five years but I've not found the courage yet.  Every word of your emails is how I too would like to approach things with my BPD/NPD partner.   I know it's a completely unsustainable r/s and profoundly damaging to me and my children.  I know I've tried in the past everything possible from reason, to tears, to begging, to desperation, to pleading, to reasoning again - endless emails and letters and late night phone calls, days of discussion and nothing stopped the emotional, verbal, physical abuse.  I've learnt an enormous amount in the last few months from people's stories on this site.  Isa-lala I am so inspired by your courage and how you have managed to accept your decision to leave someone you have loved so much and invested so much in, and I can imagine, because you are here with all of us, that you suffered a lot and felt that things were not equal.  I find that has been the hardest thing to accept - the endless punishments meted out to me for nothing - the wrong kind of expression on my face, a gentle joke, a slight difference of opinion on current affairs, when I consistently forgave behaviour that should have ended us on the spot.  Please keep posting.  It's giving me strength.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Isa, I have no problem with anything you wrote and, in fact, think you expressed yourself quite well, without defending or attacking.  You were clear and to the point.  The price is high to stay in a r/s with a pwBPD, needless to say.  I admire you for determining that you had done enough suffering.

Like what you're saying, northern light. 

I consistently forgave behaviour that should have ended us on the spot.

  I did that, too, so don't beat yourself up!   

LuckyJim

[Isa_lala]

Thisworld, yes I did. He sent me a few answers with one question/statement at a time: do I have someone else? - I repeated that no, I was not leaving for someone else but for ME. When do I want him to leave the house? I said that he could start looking (because he asked me that twice as my first answer (we could speak about it later) didn't seem to work for him.

And he said that no, he doesn't hate me. I would add "yet"

I haven't have any news after that and when I have no contact , I feel less anxious.

Northernlight, cheer up. It took me 3 years to realize that the issues will never disappear and that the r/s was not what I wanted for me neither for my son. Before, that, I would have never been able to end the r/s even if I experienced all what you do. Same things, really. That why I don't want to go back because I never want to experience that again.

How old are your children? Is your partner their father? You seem to not live together, do you?

[thisworld]

It all sounds like good news Isa_lala and it's good that you are less anxious. I know what you mean by "yet", it's difficult to trust a volatile person. But he seems to be acting wisely for now - like asking when to move out and it's understandable that he wants to know - I would want to know, too. It's important to look after yourself well and be strong so you can be prepared for changes - let's hope that they will not happen.

Stay strong!

[northernlight]

Children are 8 up to 21 ! No we don't live tog but tried many times in the first three years.  I've known for two years now that it would be impossible to be happy and secure living wth him. Tension was terrible and I was always scared of him losing his temper or his sudden mood swings in front of the children. He never married or had children and in fact never really lived with a woman apart from two years in his twenties . He's fifty now. I'm at very low point as I fully come to terms with the complete u viability of being with him. Have been so focussed , even obsessed I suppose, with him and our troubled r/s for so long now. Feel I gave all I had to give and am exhausted and depressed. I left very stable 18 year marriage for him because I fell head over heels in love with him!

[Isa_lala]

Northernlight, the decision process to leave my BF took a few months. After moving in together, it was that much more difficult than before that i kinda lost hope. I read a few books on codependency and other relevant topics and realized that I had been putting all my energy trying to change my BF, that he will probably never change and that I'd rather put my energy on myself, loving me, setting boundaries, recognizing and respecting my needs. It is really when I realized that he would never change that the decision to leave this toxic relationship made its way... .

I think we do it when we are ready. That's it

Stay strong

[Isa_lala]

My BF sent me an email a few minutes ago. A tender, sweet, loving message. He said that he doesn't hate me, that he knows that I am a good person and the it will be very difficult for him to not be with me anymore.

I cried and I am still crying. I must stop crying before waking up by son for school.

I will miss This part of my Bf so much. Of course, I have to remind me all the negative aspects of our rs but it is so painful to read this kind of email. Different from the messages he sent me before The last 2 days. He doesn't try to get me back, he simply express his deep sadness

It hurts so much

[northernlight]

I've had similar responses from my unBPD/NPD in the past when I tried categorically to end it - I'd say maybe three times he responded sweetly, reasonably, never really going into detail about all the hurt I expressed but mainly saying that he was sorry in general and would like to try again, after usually at first saying that he was just sad but respected my decision.  Each time I got sucked back in and things would deteriorate very quickly, increasingly quickly each time.  At this point, he blames me for everything, says I never supported him, respected him, did anything for him etc etc.  He is extremely verbally emotionally and physically abusive and when friends found out about the physical abuse, he became increasingly controlling and hateful with me - that's been for a year now.  I imagine that if we had moved into together properly this five year r/s wouldn't have lasted six months.  How old is your son Isa-lala?

[Isa_lala]

My son is 8 as your youngest one

I know that if I would go back with him, I would experience the same thing that you have

He continued to try to manipulate me by telling me his sadness, how he is losing his lover as well as his family (our 2 guys and I are his family) and that all

What he had

I don't answer for the moment. I will try the BIFF communication as suggested in the previous thread by a participant (don't remember the pseudo)

I am definitely not done with him as his anger will come out when he will see that manipulation doesn't work

I always knew that the break up would be exhausting