closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys well a year on and no contact from my udBPD (Bp and scitzophenic) girlfriend. A very messy breakup triggered by me trying to get help for us/her which lead to escalations and ended with her trying to have me charged with dv. Now there is much to process here, the breakdown of what i can now see was a dysfunctional relationship but more damaging to me personally is the unfounded dv claims and the ongoing victum stories she has thrown around for the last year which has caused much uncertainty between friends and i. Ive been avoiding all of these people but i feel terrible that nobody other than her sister has reached out to me.

When youve been through such a traumatic experience can anyone provide expriences of closure to help me cut this tragic moment of my life away.

[Didntdeservethat]

Hi guys well a year on and no contact from my udBPD (Bp and scitzophenic) girlfriend. A very messy breakup triggered by me trying to get help for us/her which lead to escalations and ended with her trying to have me charged with dv. Now there is much to process here, the breakdown of what i can now see was a dysfunctional relationship but more damaging to me personally is the unfounded dv claims and the ongoing victum stories she has thrown around for the last year which has caused much uncertainty between friends and i. Ive been avoiding all of these people but i feel terrible that nobody other than her sister has reached out to me.

When youve been through such a traumatic experience can anyone provide expriences of closure to help me cut this tragic moment of my life away.

[enlighten me]

You may just have to give yourself closure. For me it was accepting she had a disorder and no matter what I did I could never have helped her. I also had to accept that I was who I was and for all my faults I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment I received.

I found my happy place and moved on.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Didntdeservethat,

Like    enlighten me, I think you may have to create your own closure. I'm sorry that your ex hasn't wanted to help you achieve that. I know how much that would help. 

I suggest radically accepting the whole experience as best you can, and then taking steps to move forward in your life. Even baby steps count. Do you have a therapist that can work with you to recover from those hurtful accusations? Is there some FOO stuff that needs to be addressed so that you can find some understanding?

Here is a workshop that might be helpful for you right now:

Radical Acceptance

Hang in there. Things really DO get better. One year feels like a long time, but it can take that long to start to see the light again. Be gentle with yourself.

heartandwhole

[talks to angels]

Didntdeservethat I know exactly what you are feeling. Like others have said we have to find closure in ourselves, which is hard and painful. Mine to trashed me, and he did it while we still together. I never was allowed to meet anyone in his life, but living in a small town stuff would get back to me. If I questioned him on stuff I heard he would always have a lie. You know that person is just trying to create drama, i never said that, you would believe something you heard through gossip, if you only knew what that person is like that said that (thats why I never introduced you) ect. Like you, I had not heard from him in a year. He reached out stating he wanted to apologize. I am thinking whats the harm? I was feeling like I was getting back to myself. I discussed whether I should speak with him to a friend. (learned do not take advice from anyone who does not understand these kind of people) He suggest to speak with him as it would be the kind thing to do. To summarize the conversation with my ex. He is not sorry when you drill it down. and I did ask him why he would say such horrible things to people. He stated he only did after we broke up, I than pointed out that was not true, he said that was all in my mind. (as usual) But why say after the break up lies? No Answer.  I share this with you as I can relate to your pain. But I am convinced that mine will always twist the truth. I think that he was always talking bad about me, so when it ended, he could look like the victim, and while we were together could look like the good understanding guy. Be glad that you are still NC and a year into it. I wish I never spoke with mine. It set me back and I am starting all over again.

[SamwizeGamgee]

It's about control.  You're both holding a rope concerning your past.  Once you've cleared all the legal hurdles for a false DV claim, all that's left is the feelings and emotions.  Only you can let go of your side of the rope.  Then, she can pull all she wants, and get nothing from you. 
I have heard it explained from several different people that once you go through a divorce, especially a dirty one, you have a lot fewer friends left, but, you then know who your real friends are.  And you can start over.