What do you tell others?

[Swimmy55]

Hi There,
 How on earth do you handle neighbors who care/ co workers who care?  The thing is the neighbors have seen the the DS out walking in pajamas , flip flops and muttering to himself in the cold of December, the public meltdowns.  They have seen the flurry of police activity to the point where the police know me and my son.  I know most of you have similar stories.
At work I have been out back in March to deal with son's emergency eval, court appearances, Restraining orders etc...

How much do you tell?  My neighbors are concerned but the wife is a gossip.  Although every neighborhood does need a person like her as she knows who is doing what, who is the strange person hanging around, etc etc...  They probably already can guess a lot of what is happening by what they've seen, but I don't know how to handle.
Similarly at work, I don't want to be the butt of gossip...
Trying to rebuild a life.  Or I am trying to get a life, rather and I really am at a loss.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Swimmy,
We had this exact same issue when DS w/BP1 was experiencing mania with psychotic features. He would wander our neighborhood in pjs and smoke while he walked for miles. We are in a bubble community living next door to former chief of police. All eyes were on us.
My T at the time really explained to me that I needed a radar to figure out who was safe and had earned the right to hear my story. I carefully chose those people to share with. As for others like neighbors, I simply said “DS is struggling with some anxiety right now which he needs to “walk off”. Gosh, these young adults these days really have some MH struggles that we never dreamed of at their age”.  That was it!
This usually brings a compassionate response rather than a judgmental one.

I’m sorry that you are going thru this and I completely understand!
Peacemom

[Blueskyday]

I have no issues at home Swimmy but my daughter and I work at the same organisation.

She blackens my name everywhere and my boss knows her. She works with a girl she drinks with.

I dread to think how much gossip has been spread

[Harri]

I suggest keeping any disclosure as casual and direct as you can.  If you present with embarrassment or shame they will pick up on it and it will color how they hear your words.

I like the suggestions offered by peacemom

 

[FaithHopeLove]

I agree with Harri and Peacemom that there is no need to be embarrassed.  I have found that when I tell people about my son's mental illness and drug addiction they are very loving and supportive. So far no one has gossiped or judged me. Go with your instincts. If someone doesn't feel safe to you give them answers like Peacemom suggested. If they do seem safe to you maybe share more so they can support you.

[Swimmy55]

Thank you for your thoughts... it helps.

[Resiliant]

I'm a little late on this one, but still wanted to share that I've had the same positive experiences with my neighbors and others (such as my employees) that the others here have shared.  
My son doesn't live with me but when he has come over it often obvious there is something wrong.  He's generally disheveled, and although there's been no walking around in pajamas that is because I'm pretty sure he sleeps in his clothes most times. The muttering to himself and wearing his emotions on his sleeve, scowling or stomping when he is upset is hard to miss.  And the public meltdowns, they can be mortifying!  I feel as if when my son is emotionally disregulated he is completely oblivious to anyone around him.  
At the same time my neighbors, and even employees have seen the other side of him, the gentle side.  They have talked to him and they say nice things about him.  They encourage me and even ask how he is doing.   I find that people I do open up to tend to share their own experiences whether in their own families, or friends of theirs with children who are struggling with various types of mental illnesses.   Since my son has refused a diagnosis, I don't think it's fair to my son for me to tell people that he is BPD (I only do that here, and only because he meets ALL the criteria).  
As far as what to actually say - which was your question I guess it comes down to who you are talking to and how much they pull from you.  Start small and for some people you will leave it at that.  Others may ask questions and it depends on how comfortable you are with them as to how much you want to share.  I usually just start with "we're really struggling".
I agree with Peacemom to be selective.   I hope this also helps and I hope that you don't feel that your son's behavior defines you as a mother, because it doesn't.  I'm sure that people can see what you are all about and respect you for who you are.

[Swimmy55]

Thank you Resilient.

[zachira]

I am sorry what you are going through with your son. You are wondering what to tell people. In the years of dealing with all my family members with BPD and NPD and other assorted mental illness including Bipolar I, I have found that the kindest people are supportive and helpful, whereas others may prefer to be left out of the loop, and of course some people are in between. So the question you might ask yourself is: Do you feel that this person would have your best interests and those of your son at heart if you were to share with them what is going on with your son?

[Swimmy55]

Good litmus test, Zachira, on whom to trust.